[fredalina]

i actually had no idea this was such a common practice. My DH and i are starting the process to adopting an older child. i am infertile, but i really feel no disappointment about the infertility except that i have always wanted to name a child. So i may still get that opportunity. i am not convinced yet, but when the right child comes along, we will discuss with them if they want to keep their name or not, and then we will either help them to choose a name or not based on their wishes.

Right now i'm having fun pointing out to my DH children in the photolisting who have his least favorite names. i'm evil like that.

[okhomeschoolmommy]

Sky--
I must say that would be pretty funny to have two daughters with the same name! You'll have to let us know how that one turns out!

[brighteyes810]

We adopted older children. When the social worker came over to tell our girls that they were not going back to their birthfamily, but were going to live with us forever (they knew what adoption was, but this was how the social worker phrased it), our girls were jumping up squealing with excitement. Then, the social worker started to say that some things may change, such as their name. The social worker meant their last name, but didn't have a chance to finish her sentence before the girls started squealing and talking about the names they wanted. They both wanted to be named Crystal, which we didn't want, but we said we would discuss it as a family.

One of our daughter's really hated her first name, she had wanted to change it long before the adoption was going to take place. And, although she wanted to change it so badly, our husband still thought long and hard about it. We didn't want her to be upset when she grew up. We eventually did decide to change her name, and we all found one we liked and agreed on.

We changed the spelling of her sister's name too, although it was pronounced the same. Her birthmom spelled then end of her name with an " ee' " which would make it pronounced with a long A sound, rather than a long E sound. We changed the spelling to "y", which is the more common spelling. Our daughter had been writing her name that way on her schoolwork about half the time for two years anyway, and all of us liked it better, so we changed it.

I think that changing the child's name should be about the child, and not changed because we, as Mother's, want to name our kids. And trust me, I understand this urge very well. But, I could imagine that it could be detrimental to some kids.

If you don't change their first names, you can change their middle names. We did this too, our kids have two middle names each, named after our family members that they and we love. We would have changed their middle names even if we kept their first names the same.

It took us weeks to decide on what their names would be changed to. They wanted to know what their names would be, and kept asking and asking and asking us. So, I finally started telling them different names that we were going to change to. Here are some of the names I told them (I was only joking and they knew it): Apple and Blossom, April and Mae, Ireland and England, Daisy and Minnie, Lily and Rose. (All very cute names, but not fitting for them, especially not as pair-type names. I put the names together to drive the kids crazy right back! )

[Suebie]

I think the last comment was enjoyable and cute. I just have to disagree with the sentiment that if you give a child a name that you want....then it means you're not doing it for the kids. Implying that it's selfish to name an older child does put a bad spin on it but let me put another spin on it.
First, these children come out of bad situations in which they will forever associate their given name. Our daughter associates her birth name with being bad. She will refer to her old name like an alter ego. She really enjoyed having the fresh start and building new memories on a new name.
Second, if you are going to let the kids name themselves, you have to keep in mind that kids are fickle. Think about what you would have changed your name to when you were 7 or 8. This thought should make you giggle. I think I would have grown up with a stripper's name if I had gotten to choose. Plus, I would have changed my mind weekly.
And last, we name our babies to fit with our family and family culture. When we name, we imagine all the things this child will become with this name. We want to do the same for our adopted children. We want to give them a name that helps them fit in to the new family and will garner the life we imagine for them.
In this way, it IS about the children. We don't name our new children simply because we didn't have enough dogs to use up all our favorite names. We do it for the children.
We let our daughter pick her middle name. We suggested her birth mom or grandma's names. In the end, she stuck with the one she was given. She also had the choice of what to be called. But we decided what would be on the birth certificate. Just like with our birth children.

[buttascotchbaby]

As we get closer to finalizatiion (please God!) we have been talking about this topic a lot. My older FS has wanted to take our last name for a LONG time and has gone through periods where he wanted to change his first name. I always tell him that his first name is a very cool one, suits him and is unique here in Hawai'i (it is a Hispanic name), especially b/c he wanted to change it to something very generic! So we talk about choosing a new middle name. Right here I should mention that he is 12 Our last name starts with a "G" and his first name starts with an "E", so he really wants a middle name that starts with a "G" (geddit? so his initialls can be "EGG" LOL) So far we have had suggestions of "Gangsta", "Guardian", "Galahad"...LOL We have gotten a lot of laughs out of this.

His younger sister (6 y.o.) doesn't care as much but has said she wants to change her (very unique and lovely) first name to MY (very boring) first name LOL I told her that her name is MUCH nicer than mine! I think we will work with her in choosing a new middle name for her too since she has NO attachment to her birth middle name.

I suggested to my son that he might want to keep his old last name as a middle name and he was very adamant that he did NOT want to do that.

I do agree that their input and having a say in this very important thing gives them a sense of stability, fitting in and finality, they will truly be part of our family when they have our last name.

[brighteyes810]

Suebie: I had mentioned not changing a child's name just because the adoptive parent wants to. One of the comments above mentioned they had always wanted to name a child and was considering changing the kid's name for that reason. I do understand where this sentiment comes from, but was trying to say I think the decision should be about the child, not because of something we, as parents want to do for ourselves. The reasons you listed are about the child, not about you. If there is anyone out there that wants to change their child's name just because they have always wanted to name their child, they may want to think twice about it and consider how it affects their child, will it be a positive or negative change, or both? Although, if the child is too young to know its own name yet, this wouldn't apply.

You are right on about a child choosing their own name. Our own kids wanted to change their name badly, and we gave it a lot of consideration, for weeks, before we decided. Because the kids might regret the name change when they were older, we didn't know if we wanted to change their names or not. We did decide to change their names, part of the reason was because this was the beginning of a new chapter in their lives, and at least one of the names was associated with their old life in a negative way. In fact, a year later, she still can't stand the old name.

Changing a child's name is a big deal and should be the decision of the adoptive family without anyone judging them about it. I've seen people's opinions who say it's wrong to change a child's names at all. I think this is a blanket statement and doesn't apply to every situation. Only the adoptive parents can and should decide what is best for their family and their children.

[MomwithFive]

<<but has said she wants to change her (very unique and lovely) first name to MY (very boring) first name LOL I told her that her name is MUCH nicer than mine!>>

My daughter wanted to change her middle name to match my middle name (boring too). This meant alot to her as her new brother has his father's middle name and so she wanted mommy's middle name. I think I find it boring but to her it is a very important change that identified her as my daughter in her eyes. kwim? We changed the spelling of her first name to a more common spelling of it but it is still pronounced the same. Her nickname from it is changed though (by her). So, she actually made all the changes which I feel is best in the long run.
We each have to do what we feel is right for our families I think. But if we do what we feel is in the children's best interest we can't ask for more than that.

[Navy_RP_Wife]

We changed our kids first names when we adopted them in November, and they were almost 6 and 8. Even have chosen to go by the names they chose.

For my kids, their names being changed is the least of their problems, and probably helped solve a few problems along the way...

[millie58]

lakewoman, why was your name changed 3 times?

[millie58]

Lakewoman, why was your name changed 3 times?

[millie58]

I adopted 2 boys and I'm in the process of adopting 2 more. My oldest wanted to keep his name as it was; bmom talked him into it. so my last name is his 2nd middle name. My 10 yo made his last name his middle name and my last name is now his. My last 2 wanted to change their names completely. they have unique names and my 8 yo has a unique middle name. I thought they would be fickle but my 8 yo got a name and stuck with it. He also picked out his middle name and is taking my last name. He wanted no part of his b name. My youngest was fickle but he settled on a first name and kept his middle name. I also wanted to name sons; the names I love are Spencer, Avery, Noah and Logan but of course, none of my kids wanted these names.

[Kat-L]

"Brandon"s birthname is a girl's nick name which doesn't suit him at all. So, his name will definately be changing. He'll be getting a new first name that I love, a middle name that reflects his bio-dad's heritage, a second middle name that reflects his bio-mom's heritage.

[joskids]

Kat, our 11 year old, now named Brandon, was unnamed by his biological mother so he was "baby boy _____". His foster mother called him Jamie (Jamieson). We thought that Jamie was so feminine sounding and now he is Brandon Alexander. We had other names chosen but when we met him at the age of 4 mos., he looked so much like a Brandon. Best wishes on the adoption of your baby boy!!!!!!!!

[marythemom]

Our children were 11 and 13 when they were placed with us. Our daughter told us from the beginning that she wanted to change her name to Ashley (as in Mary Kate and...). She got our biodd to call her Ashley, but we resisted. After 6 months of consistently wanting to be Ashley, and consulting with her therapist to be sure she wasn't trying to forget her past, we decided to let her change her name. Just before we told her - she changed her mind! She wanted a new name!

The new name she had chosen was one that we had almost chosen for biodd, but we realized her initials would be HEB (the name of a popular grocery store chain here in Texas) so we went with something else. We told biodd the story though, so she often named her dolls that. Our new daughter LOVED the idea of having the initials HEB. Long story short (I know - too late!). We decided to let our daughter change her first name to H___, but insisted that her very beautiful birth first name be her middle name. If she wanted to tell people her initials were HEB that was fine. I legally took my maiden name as my middle name, but kept my middle initial when I sign things.

Poor add's adoption took over 1 1/2 years to finalize and symbolically we'd wanted to call her by her new name after the adoption - so everyone is having a very tough time changing what we call her.

Our son told us early on that until we had the same last name he wouldn't really be part of the family, so even though he often stated that he wanted to keep his birth last name (he was the last male son), we had to insist that he make his last name his middle name and take our last name. (Sometimes he admitted that he really wanted our last name - but he has a severe attachment disorder so he tries hard to keep it from us). He's had no complaints since his adoption, and I think he's fine with it now. He briefly toyed with changing his first name, but never found anything he wanted to make permanent.

[melissa_bear003]

My husband was adopted when he was 2, and his name was completely changed.

Its one of the things that he has a hard time with with his amom. He was taken from the foster home he'd been in since he was 6 mths old, stuck with a stranger, and to top it off, had the last shred of 'him' ripped away because she wanted to name a child after her dead husband.

Just something to think about.