[lynnrose]

If you were in a room with 10 perpective parents who are looking to adopt an older child. You are the speaker of the evening....
What do you feel are the most important things for them to hear..?
What advise would you give them based on your experiences?
Deb

[Linny]

Here's my list.
1. That adoption of an older child (over 2yrs) is NOT the same as adoption of an infant.

2. If they are adopting through the state---simply because it's free in court costs----they need to re-evaluate their reasons in adoption and realize there are emotional costs---sometimes far exceeding the financial costs. A child from the system MAY try to, or actually harm any children already in their home, and extra precautions may need to be taken to assure the safety of those other children.

3. That many 'styles' of parenting, common to raising 'normal, unabused or un-neglected children', usually don't work in dealing with children from the foster care system.

4. That they should do their homework about a child---check on references and resources.....shouldn't believe half of what a caseworker tells them about a child. They should realize that the worker has (more than likely) only known about this case a short while and may not be privy to behaviors the child has---even though those behaviors may not be evident in watching the child a short time.

5. That to simply have a few visits, or seeing the child for awhile, is not enough to decide whether they want to adopt that child. That it's easy to fall in love with a child from the start---or feel sorry for the child in what has happened. But to actually KNOW what that child will require in parents, resources and attention, is something only seen after SEVERAL long (over several weekend) visits that involve many different settings. (NOT just McDonald's.....(sigh) )

6. That their marriage must be very tight and 'intact'. This type of adoption may bring on a lot of marital strain that will require them to fully know each other during the years of raising this child.

7. That they are fully wanting of a child that's older----not simply doing this because adopting the older child is usually quicker. That they won't mourn the fact this older child wasn't brought home at a much younger age. (That they won't miss the fact the child wasn't a baby/infant.)

8. That they BOTH fully involve themselves in the counseling resources of the child; that they realize counseling may very well be a part of the entire life of the child or childhood...and they'll need to devote THEIR part in the counseling times.

9. That they should only proceed to adopt this child in their home, as long as they feel COMPLETELY GOOD about doing so...with NO hesitations, NO GUILT from within or their caseworker's pressure.

10. That when they decide on placement (or moving forward to adoption) they realize this child MAY NEVER change negative behaviors. If they cannot fully accept this child---where s/he is right now---in the state of behaviors they are right now-----then perhaps this is NOT the family best suited for the child.

That's my list. I only wish these kind of statements would have been given to us previous to the placements and adoptions of our older children. It would have made a huge difference for everyone.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Synesthesia]

Thanks, Linny, those points are helpful as I am trying to figure out why I think I am not ready to adopt an older child until I am a lot older or in a different position.
Those should be given to all perspective parents who are considering older child adoption......

[ManyTimesBlessed]

Originally Posted by Linny

7. That they are fully wanting of a child that's older----not simply doing this because adopting the older child is usually quicker. That they won't mourn the fact this older child wasn't brought home at a much younger age. (That they won't miss the fact the child wasn't a baby/infant.)

On this, I wanted to mention that even if you are fully prepared for it, you still probably will mourn the fact that you didn't get to share those earlier years with your child. Our son just came home at 14 months and I sometimes feel sad that I didn't get to hold him as an infant, hear his first word or see him crawl or stand up for the first time. I'm still thrilled that we adopted a toddler and would do it again - but I'm sad about missing that part of his life. I already feel the same way about our Lillian (age 7 and waiting to come home from Liberia). I hate that I have missed so much of her life. So, you definitely need to be accepting of the fact that you were not the child's parent from birth, but I think it's impossible not to experience some grief that you didn't get to be there from the beginning.

Linny, please don't think I'm picking apart your list. It was great! I think I'm going to copy it to give to some other adoptive families that I know. There are so many things that people need to think about and it is so frustrating when agencies don't inform parents of these issues. We are facing this with some of the families in our Liberia adoption group right now. They jumped in adopting older kids and just assumed that "all they need is love". Now the kids are home and the problems are starting and many of the parents are really in shock because they had no idea that older children could be like this.

[Synesthesia]

Stuff like this has finally helped me to figure out why it is not completely a good thing to adopt a child out of wanting to "save" a child...

[crick]

I think it's good to talk of the positives too. Too often the negatives outweigh the many great things that come out of adopting an older child. So I feel when you talk to them, definitely give them a realistic picture, and yes, share some of the awful experiences people have had....just don't forget to put some good ones in there too.

I typically tell people not to look at this process with the thought of "oh, MY child won't do this" and instead look at it with the thought of "IF my child does this, can I handle it?"

Honeymoon periods can be short or long...and you need to be prepared for that.

If you feel at all that you won't be 100% committed, then don't do it.

Be prepared to do some really creative parenting and know that what worked for you as a child or your neighbor's kids are not necessarily what will work for a child coming to you with pre-set behaviors/emotions etc.

Love does not conquer all, but it sure helps.

Think of accomplishments individual to the child, not compared to children their age, your cousin's kid etc. And realize that even those small baby step accomplishments can actually be HUGE and should be celebrated. Who cares if you have a pizza party because your child achieved something considered "normal and expected" by others....for that child, even a baby step can be like climbing Mount Everest.

Realize that your child has a past that you were not a part of, and if it's important to the child to retain a part of that past, help them do that. (if it's safe etc.)

Be prepared to be your child's best advocate and fight some battles with school, dr's, and other professionals.

Have a support system...and USE it.

[Linny]

Rachel:
No offense taken at all. I didn't think you were picking apart my list.
In terms of the mourning the loss of the things you didn't get to do with your child in those infant stages.....I think you're right about feeling badly you missed certain things; but I think it's worse when couples feel they can 'miss that stuff' and be alright with it (when they initially wanted an infant but feel they lack funding, lack time, lack other criteria to adopt, KWIM?) I know when two of our babies came at 7.5months of age, it was okay. I felt like we still got to have a lot of 'baby stuff' going on with them; and as long as we had the 'baby stages' to some degree, I was fine. What surprised me, was that I felt I was 'done with babies' when a 3yr old came---and I thought I'd not feel mourning at all. Instead, it hit me more than once, and I mourned that I wasn't a part of ANY baby stages for him. It was a wake up call for me.

I have to say that dh and I were part of the 'system' when all they did was give you several weeks of classes, encourage your desire to have a child at all, and stress, "Once these kids have permanency and love, they'll appreciate and heal from their wounds."
It's true about the permanency (Foster care in too many states is a joke...)......and certainly 'the love'.....but what these kids need is often far more than either of those. As our attorney friend said to us, 'what people don't realize is that these kids DO come with baggage. Baggage YOU didn't bring about; but were expected to take care of and eliminate!"
And, how many of us have heard people state: 'Well, you adopted them! If you really love them, you'll be able to handle it all."
Let me be the first to say that when it comes to the safety of others in your home; love is not enough to protect others from harm or death, KWIM?

The part that Crick brings out about accomplishments is very true! Many times these kids have accomplishments that ARE small....but HUGE when it comes to the effort and obstacles they had to go through just to get those baby steps! You have to make sure you're a parent who can see this and understand it. And, as far as advocacy, this is soo true. (Which is why I mentioned being prepared to deal with their counseling and resources.) It doesn't do anyone any good if the parents don't know enough about any problems their kids have. (This goes for any kids....bio or adopted.) If you can't take the time to invest in their IEP reviews, in discussions with medical or psychological docs, or anyone else involved, this isn't the area for you. Your advocacy is often the first line of contact and/or defense your child has in trying to achieve a full life, KWIM?

Sincerely,

Linny

[lynnrose]

Let me ask you this.....

Would perpective parents benifit from learning about these disorders these kids have from other adoptive parents, who's child has adhd,rad,pstd,ect.... as well as a professional in that field ?

Do you think once propective families learned about these disroders, would it benefit them?

Would propective parents benifit from a group seminar with adoptive parents sharing there stories, as well as answering the questions only adoptive parents can answer ?

If you could change the adoption class what would you add?

Thank you all for your repiles

[Synesthesia]

I haven't started the process yet, so perhaps I should not comment, but I think every effort should be made to prepare potential parents.
I especially think that the rosy eyed-ness that some parents might have needs to be gentle dealt with. For the sake of the children people have to learn what could happen and how to deal with it. I think being paired up with other families that have adopted and dealt with certain issues would be a big help. It would make potential parents feel less alone, it would assuage their guilt they might feel if things are starting to go wrong when the honey moon ends and it would just make things better for the children because there would be less risk of disruption of people KNEW more about these things...

[Linny]

I believe putting new prospective adoptive people with seasoned adoptive parents is a good idea....but I also know that depts often 'choose' who will talk to who, KWIM? Stories of horror, of dissolved adoptions, of innocent children in the family being molested or cut, are NOT stories the state foster system wants known to anyone thinking to adopt. Yet, these stories are NOT unusual...really they aren't.
It's also not unusual for the depts to deliberately hide 'the rest of the story' from prospective adoptive people...especially if it's a child (or sib group) who have had numerous problems and/or hospitalizations.
Is doing that illegal? Certainly......but most families who find out the rest of the story AFTER the adoption has been finalized, seldom have the funds---or effort---much less feel like suffering the shame of 'giving a child back'.
Another problem is that once children are adopted, the system seems to leave the couples out in the cold. The system doesn't want to be bothered about the continuous problems a child is bringing into a family; they don't want to have to come up with services that will really preserve an adoption---they just want the problems to go away.
I've personally known of an agency contracted with the state dept of children/services who verbally threatened any of 'their' foster and foster/adopt families who dared to join or even visit a local support group formed of parents who had adopted difficult children from the foster system!

Here's a suggestion I honestly believe would be helpful. Even if a child becomes 'adoptable' through the system....the prospective couple should show their sincerity and responsibility in truly wanting to adopt a specific child----BUT have to wait a FULL 12 months before filing ANY paperwork to adopt that child. I know it seems unfair......but some of these kids are good at being 'well-behaved' for several months until they finally 'let it all out'. Furthermore, children with attachment disorders are 'fine' as long as they feel they don't need to attach and become part of the family. If the family (and child) had to wait a full 12 months, perhaps the dept would be able to place children in homes that were better suited to their needs, while assessing the entire family dynamics while the child lived there, KWIM?

Sincerely,

Linny

[crick]

I think Linny brings up a good point with the classes. I'm assuming Lin, that you mean the classes offered by the state? Because yes, I agree that they will have more of an interest in not sharing everything.

We went through a private agency and it seems to be much different based on my experience & others going through agencies and not the actual state classes.

I give talks at times for my agency to their class of prospective parents. They ask me to come in and specifically speak on sibling group factor and yes, the positive focus. However, they also bring in other people to talk about their specific experiences. Usually there is a panel of 4-5 of us that have adopted older children and at least in my opinion, we give a "balanced" view...a little bit of everything.


Lynn - I think paps will benefit more at times from listening to other parents. Not to understand the diagnosis or the professional definition of a disorder, but how to cope as a parent. To really hear from another parent what it's like to parent a RAD child would have far more weight than a professional, imo. I think you need both in the classes, just for different purposes.

[joskids]

I was going to respond to this ??? but because you were so RIGHT ON WITH ALL YOU SAID, there's nothing more for me to say. We've adopted 4, 3 were babies and one was a toddler and even adopting a 2 year old was very different from adopting a newborn. Not bad, as a matter of fact, WONDERFUL to see the changes in her at 8 years of age, confident, beautiful . . . but definitely NOT for those who are looking to "save" a child. Hurt children bring a lot with them and it takes years, if ever, to get past it. And, yes, I think prospective parents looking to adopt an older child or sib group need the truth. But they won't likely get it. And for the record, I'm not saying it can't be wonderful to adopt a 10-year old. It can. Hopefully there's a family for every child, or at least a "situation" for every child, even if they cannot manage in a family type setting. I would just wish that everyone taking this on had complete honesty from caseworkers and parents who have done it -- and very strong resources.

Thanks. Linny. You do good work.

[Linny]

Thanks, Josie. I appreciate your comment...I really do.
Here's something else too that I feel would be helpful. Private agencies used to----and I think they STILL do......make monies every time they place a child from the system into an adoptive home.
I believe this is the reason some agencies 'hide' the full facts about a child---because they know the child will be harder to place, of course. (This very thing happened to us and it wasn't pretty, let me tell you...)
Anyway, if this money were taken away.....do you suppose agencies would be more careful to disclose, as well as take the appropriate time to find the right home for the right child?
And, too many kids who should be placed as 'only children' are placed in homes with other kids. Children who are known to act out sexually, are physically aggressive or extremely manipulative, often fare much better in a home where they're the only child. This is often better for them; as well as better for the parents who can take more time to focus on helping the child overcome the baggage they may have, KWIM?

Sincerely,

Linny

[mrsred]

I would just add that before you even think about bringing in older child(ren) they need to make sure that any biological child(ren) you already have in the home are secure enough to deal with the fact that the new child(ren) will take up a whole lot of mom and dad's time. Also, that you have a very close relationship with both your spouse and God. You will need them both!

[lynnrose]

You are right Linny, that is why we have just one child, because he was a hard child to place. He has made the progress he has made because he is an only child. It is so wrong for agency's to put a child as well as a family in that position,but like everything else Money talks!