[joskids]

You both bring up great points. That's what I meant when I said that there is a home for every child. In other words, some children need a mom that can stay at home full time and give 150% because that it what it will take. Many children act out sexually because foster care is far from full proof in terms of safety and many children from the "system" are drug and alcohol exposed, adding to their struggles in life. I'd even go so far as to say that MOST children in foster care should ideally be only children but I'm sure I'll hear from those who will argue that with me. We had 3 adopted children when we wanted to add two older girls to our family and, although we were told often NOT to do it because of the affect it could have on our other children, we were confident that we were strong enough and watchful enough to insure everyone's safety and that these girls had never been sexualized or acted out sexually. WRONG. And it hurt everyone in the process, our family and those darling girls who should have been placed in a family with NO other children. Even when the children have a strong caseworker, information gets lost along the way and some foster parents are not vigilant about knowing what children are up to in their own homes. I wish I did not have to tell this story. Believe me, the hole in my heart (and theirs) may never get filled. But there are girl children who do better with same sex adoptive parents because of abuse from men and vice-versa so I still believe there is a family for every child. But it takes a great deal of commitment and TRAINING and HONESTY and strong resources.

[dawnmei]

I find this discussion fascinating as it has been almost 2 years since I took the classes, but have just been matched with a 10 year old girl. I haven't had my daughter in my home yet, so I can't give any opinions as to what I'd like to have known, but all the views are interesting.

Linny, would you mind PM-ing me?
dawnmei

[jigger]

Here's my list:
We just adopted a 5 year old boy from the State of Texas

1.) Foster First - I know not many people want to take this risk but under the right circumstances, its a VERY good idea. This sounds harsh but it gives you a chance to learn the child and get an idea of whether you are going to match up and work as a family. Unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn't work out and it;s better for you AND the child if you figure that out.

2.) These kids have not had a good life BUT, don't ever adopt them for that reason. Adopt them because you love them and want to make them a part of your family. If you really want to "rescue" someone, adopt a dog.

3.) Be prepared for their problems; because they will have them. Unsafe homes, abuse, little or no boundaries and not enough to eat can do a number on their little brains. You have to be ready to help them through that and drive to a lot of therapist appointments.

4.) LOVE THEM. . . they need it so badly

It has been so rewarding to adopt an older child. We did it for several reasons and have not regretted it. If you give them a chance, they will pay you back.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by jigger

If you really want to "rescue" someone, adopt a dog.

I have never heard that particular sentiment expressed quite so bluntly - or so well!

[sprunger1]

Wow, what an eye opening discussion! So, I'm assuming from all of your information that it is not possible to request to meet with agency worker and county worker and actually go through a file together?? With our impending placement, I have new concerns after reading this that all of the cws talk of what a great kid they're trying to place is a little jaded. Anytime there is an agenda behind something, I raise my eyebrows. lol. Our possible match has been in care for almost 2 years, in two different homes. cw says that the reason for first move was just that they thought the 2nd home was a fost/adopt home. I listen VERY carefully during conversations with cw, as I have learned from all of you to read between the lines. It sounds to me as though the current family DID talk at one point to the child about possible adoption, which he wasn't jumping up and down about. It also seems to me as though foster mom doesn't feel a connection to him, not enough to adopt him. Apparently, though, they wanted teenagers, and he is only 8. I have been talking with our agency worker (his case worker) for the past week, and today we will be talking with the county worker. They both paint not a perfect picture, but certainly not a bad one! Part of me feels like this is just God's answer to my prayers that He would be preparing THE child that He has in mind for us; yet another part of me is leery of the cw motives. If there is any further advice that you all have to offer, I'm completely open, as I feel the pressure from cw at this point (although I have maintained my strength in making sure all questions are answered to our liking before we will agree to meeting the boy). I am so thankful to have a group like this, where I can hear ACTUAL experiences. The classes make everything sound so bad, and then once you get the call, everything sounds so good.. How funny.

[Linny]

I'm a firm believer in speaking to the past foster parents if at all possible. I know some agencies don't like this; and deliberately try to keep the previous fps from the 'considering adoption parents'.

I also think it's a VERY good idea to listen carefully to the other folks who've had dealings with the child you're considering. I know that dh and I were so dog-gone green, that when we heard the past fp's talk about how difficult he was, we just scoffed it off in thinking they (the fps) must just be ill-equiped parents....or 'people who just don't get it or understand'.
The fact is, they were correct. He WAS horribly difficult; and in time, we understood why they put him in respite so often. It was to maintain some semblance of sanity.
I'm going to copy my own list of questions I believe are important when considering the adoption of an older child. I hope the original poster doesn't mind; and I'm sure an administrator can delete that post if they want----and that's fine.

I personally feel that most cw'ers put their own spin on any child they're hoping to place in an adoptive home. Few cw'ers---I've found---are truly up front and honest about a kid. Just be sure to do your homework, that's all.
**************************
THE LIST

Questions for parents considering the placement of a special needs child.

1. # of placements child has had; how long they lasted, why they disrupted. (Usually
folks are uneasy to disclose the 'why'....but I'd really try to find out!)
2. Permission (and I've done this w/o permission too) to contact past foster parents. (This
info can prove to be INVALUABLE...and most foster parents will gladly provide info as
to the 'why')
3. "Why" didn't past foster parents adopt this child?
4. At what age was the child 'removed from the home'..what type of pre-natal care
(especially drug use, etc), what's the situation with any sibs (adoption, prenatal drug use,
residential care, etc.?)
5. What kind of medication is the child on NOW....and what types has the child been on
previously? (Also, what types of diagnoses has this child been given in the past, by what
type of professional (psychiatrist,psychologist, or your 'mental health counselor' who
suspects something?)
6. What prompted termination? Did either parent voluntarily surrender and 'why'? Try to
get the psychologicals on the birthparents. (In some places, this is a 'no-no'...but we've
been given these before w/o asking. Many psychological traits have a genetic
pre-disposition.)
7. Where are the biologicals now? Are there relatives in the area near you, and any chance
they'll be a problem?
8. What kinds of hospitalization (especially ER) has this child had? tests, etc. If so, you'd
like the paperwork!
9. What's this child been told about adoption? Does this child lament for his/her
biologicals?
10. What type of relationship did this child have with birthparents? ie, was this child
forced into being the 'parent' because parents were unable to be just that? Did this child
have to take care of younger, older sibs?
11. How does this child perceive him/herself? Is she self-centered? Does she share well?
(And I don't care how old the child is....this may still be a problem.)
12. Has or has this child EVER had a diagnoses of RAD (reactive attachment
disorder)...or ANY type of attachment disorder? How has 'the system' helped this child
deal with this? (Holdings, play therapy, etc.)
13. How long has this child been in therapy, and what types have been used?
14. Does this child act out sexually? If not now, EVER? And IF ever, how and how long
since the last time?
And...one of the most IMPORTANT questions we think you should ask YOURSELF:
"If this child were to get NO better after being in our home, could we handle his/her
behaviors 'just as they are, NOW'......as if there would be NO improvement, etc.
I think this is important, as classes continually say that 'this child just needs some love
and attention and permanancy, and you'll see how much improvement this child will
make!!!" This DOESN'T ALWAYS happen, and is a point to consider when taking on
special needs children.