[GeeGeeTaylor]

I read alot of threads and it usually applies to baby adoptions.

Open adoption when it comes to the older child from foster, and the fear of having them taken back.

When I search and look at the young faces out there, and day dream about the day I find our son/sons or daughter to be. I can't help myself to close any profile that speaks of family connections and need to stay in touch.

I know they come from someone, I know they come from somewhere, I Know it wasn't the "entire" family that mistreated or lost these children. But I just can't help myself in wanting this child or children to be OURS end of story no questions asked... PERIOD..

My daughters, we share with my first husband. Our son of course we don't have to share with anyone. I simply for so many reasons just want to be plain out selfish.

I can see sibling contacts, I don't have a problem with that, but aunts, uncles, grandparents, and so forth. Oh no.. *I understand this could offend and I'm sorry*

But for me... NO WAY... Unlike infant adoptions, where birth parents make a choice for personal reasons to give a blessing to another family, These kids are taken away from their birth family for reasons, where the state made the choice in the best interest for the child/ren. As well as did not place them with these "interested" family members. I can imagine there are reasons I would be able to understand, and are reasonable. But sadly the family rights are taken away from one and all for a reason.

It just seems if the child mattered enough to want to maintain contact, then they would matter enough to not let them in foster care and then end up available for adoption. I can understand maybe elderly not able to give the children a home, but It scares me to think that when the day comes for court hearings and so forth. That means with out a doubt there is family out their that could stop the adoption.

I know if anything would happen to anyone in my family anywhere, come heck or high water, alot of folks would jump to help and care for any way ward children.

This is another reason I look out of state a lot, seems would be harder to travel to contest an adoption, then a few hours drive in my home state. Unless there is a way to do so from afar.

I read the horror stories so many folks suffer with, and again it's mostly with infants. But they also gave us the stern "be prepaired to have the adoption contested, as anyone can walk in the day of the hearing and contest it" at our classes.

I believe it would be just as hard to bring a older child into our home, and have them a part of a large family, for a set 6 months with caseworker over seeing how it goes, the petitions to courts and all that, may take a year. The child/ren are old enough to interact and develope not just family bonds, but friendship and love as well. Only to have them torn away from all of us.

I would tend to think it doesn't happen nearly as often as they scared us to think it does at the classes we took.

But is it selfish to not want to share? Closed no connections to past life, putting the trouble past behind and working toward a better future. Our child.. end of story?

I wouldn't have a problem with "finding birth parents" when they are 18, it would be their choice and I would be supportive to do so.

I ask for opinions or conflicts of interest, and why. If you disagree, I want to know, and understand. Help me learn something

Anyway, thank you for any input.
*hugs*

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by GeeGeeTaylor

I can see sibling contacts, I don't have a problem with that, but aunts, uncles, grandparents, and so forth. Oh no..

...

But is it selfish to not want to share? Closed no connections to past life, putting the trouble past behind and working toward a better future. Our child.. end of story?

For an older child, I think the short answer is yes. I'm sure there are going to be cases where it's not in the child's best interests to maintain contact with some or all members of the birth family, but if not, why take that away from them? They've already lost so much - their parents, home, friends, and years of a "normal" childhood. Remember that it's not the end of the story when the adoption is complete. You're picking it up in the middle and continuing from there.

Rather than thinking of all those birth family members as some kind of burden to shoulder, why not think of them as a new part of your extended family.

[crick]

You might also look at it not from the bparent/family point of view, but from your child's point of view.

I have a 10 & 9 year old who remember their bparents. My dd (9) would LOVE to have a picture or even contact with her bmom, whom she misses and loves. If you'd have asked me about contact etc. before becoming a parent, I'd have said similar things to what you are saying.

However....now having been my kids' mom for the last 4 1/2 years, and because I love them so much and hate to see them in any kind of pain or hurt etc., my feelings have changed A LOT on this aspect. If I can in any way give my dd some comfort to her fears that her bmom is dead or she'll never see her again....I absolutely want to do that.

I don't think that contact is good for everyone. I think there are absolutely situations where it's too dangerous or too detrimental. However, I think you have to go into it thinking what will be best for your kids and how will you be able to do that?

You might not be able to answer this in the beginning. I know I couldn't, due to factors around our situation. In the first year, there's no way we could have had any contact, but now...we could. And by contact, my vision of that is po box, letters/pics., not face to face.

I would just recommend that you allow yourself to feel and think whatever it is...but leave the door open to possibilities. Things change over time...what we couldn't accept before, maybe we can later...

[sunflower1220]

I agree with the prev posters. DH and I had that conversation with each other during our PRIDE classes. While we originally had different view points (he said he would approve of contact with limited members, but would prefer not have to go that route) the more we discussed it the more his view changed.

You have to do what's in the best interest of the children, not you, so you will have to handle things on a case by case basis.

DH and I are still waiting to get that call we are matched, but we both agree that if it is in any way possible our children will stay in contact with former foster parents, their church, and extended family if they so chose. Of course there are things that can change that (like if ALL of the family immediate and extended were abusive, we wouldn't extend the possibility for them), but again it's what is in the best interest of the child.

Also you don't know why the extended family were not the foster family or guardian or the likes. It could be as simple as they weren't financially capable of taking care of these children, or were worried if they did the bparents might be able to get to them, the reasons are numerous.

But again that's just my view point on things.

[sundara]

I have 4 kids adopted from foster care. While I do agree with the above posts (case-by-case basis), in foster adopt it is VERY often the case that contact with any bio family beyond sibs is not recommended.

There are many reasons for this - one being that, very often, the worst of the situation that the kids faced in bhome is not known for years. Many kids that have gone thru abuse/neglect/drug exposure do not want to tell what else might have happened for fear of losing their bio family.

Trust your instincts. I thought for quite a few years that more had happened to one of my kids, and it later turned out to be true, when that child felt safe enough to tell me.

You can absolutely decide about contact, but use the resources available to you. For example, our kids wanted contact with former foster parents, and the DHS office acted as the go-between - we sent letters to DHS, they forwarded them to foster parents who responded to DHS and they forwarded them to us. Once DHS was happy that we all wanted contact, we were able to exchange info with each other directly.

Be careful & take a lot of time & thought before going bio family contact route. It took 4 years before our kids felt truly safe & secure enough to tell us some of the things that happened to them from bfamily - the social workers/DHS never knew because the kids wouldn't tell them.

[jigger]

It's not selfish and I understand completely. Try keep an open mind though. We have no contact with my son's bio-mom because of her drug habit and horrible choices about men. However, we do keep in contact with his bio-sibs, neither of whom live with bio-mom. I never thought I'd be willing to keep contact and honestly, since it's only been one month since our comsummation, I'm still a teeny bit uncomfortable with the contact with his siblings. BUT, ultimately, I know it's the right thing to help him AND his siblings move beyond their terrible past. I figure that at some point this contact will kind of fizzle but for now it's important to my son.

[Indy]

I have adopted 9 sons from the foster care system. They come from four different states.

I completely understand how you feel. I was the same way and still am to a degree. I only have direct communication with only one parent. To be honest with you, most of the boys really haven't expressed an interest in talking to them at this time. I know J2 has been in contact with his mother. He turns 20 in April. I do not discourage it, I do give the boys everything I have when they turn 18. They understand that all communication is to be outside of the home. Many of the bio families have not changed.

It is good that you identified this feeling, as it could affect your relationship with your new son/daughter.

I wish you luck.

[Sari]

In our MAPP classes, we are told that as long as it's not harmful to the child, there can't be too many people to love a child. I agree with this, and I hope that we are able to keep some sort of a connection to our future children's bio family.

[stevenstwin]

It's not selfish, but it is impossible (or at least improbable!). I've got a 15 year old. I'd love to have every connection to every family member erased from his memory and have him all to myself. But it is what it is, and in adopting any child old enough to remember or know they have other family, you have to accept that, and decide if it is something you are willing to deal with. I'll admit that because of the age of my son, it is probalby "the" hardest thing we deal with, but I love him so I do it.

[lynnrose]

I agree also with all post, and i think most adoptive parents have those same thoughts, but when you have that child in your home, your heart and instinct will help you make those difficult decisions.. my son's bmom has many issues, he was five when we adopted him, the courts wanted her to have no contact. I was fortunate to sit across a table from his bmom and talk before the adoption, it gave me a clearer picture of their life togather. We agreed to let her send him Bday & xmas cards, and a present if she wanted to,( we hear from her every couple of years) I do send her a letter every year with recent pictures it all goes thru they agency who forwards it to her. I do this somewhat for her so she can see him grow up, but i do it most of all for my son.. it took me a while to see the reality of it all, she is and will always be his birthmom she gave him life,but i am his Mom because i am rasing him, loving him and supporting him, i am the one he will come to in need, and he knows i his Mom will be there. I do not let my son read his Mom's letters because they are very distructive, but i do keep them in a box so when the day come and he is older he will have them and he knows that too. These kids need to know that there bparents loved them, but sometimes parents make bad decisions in life, i tell my son that his heart in big enough for us all ! Adoption is about the child, and you as a parent will do whatever it takes to help your child try to heal