[GeeGeeTaylor]

Not sure where else to post it.

We are so devistated, I have been crying for 2 days now, and my kids are just as devistated and in tears as well. As if it helps my mother is bouncing off the walls so proud of her "I told you so"

We don't see where we have any choice but to give up.

I know some of you have successfully done in PA. But hear me out

The state says YES the age is changed to 10. We have talked about this at length and the only way we would be willing to take over the age of 10 would be a girl. Since we do not have room for another girl. I will not jepordize my son who is 7 sleeping in a room with boy over 10, as my son is extremely small for is age.

It is best to not have him low man on the totem pole, because of chances of acting out on my son, after bedtime etc, I will NOT take that chance.

SWAN States they will pay this local agency to do our study/classes no matter what. If we go out of state or not stick to age rules, we have to repay them.

This agency and Caseworker, says NO! YOU will pay us the 2500 dollars if you do not stick to these rules here.. period. Meaning they are double dipping the pay checks.

The other agency, It is way to much involvement. we have to pay for and go to psyc exams, and evaluations. They want medical exams, and a vulgar list of things the doctor has to do with that said. We have to go to the FBI and be finger printed. AS WELL as the crim/child abuse clearances. WE MUST do foster care. OPEN foster care, any child any time, type etc. The paper work we have to have filled out by the doctors, head docs, Lab results, FBI, Crim/child clearnaces are almost 2 inches think. Once we have it all filled out, we can bring it to them to do our homestudy. OH WAIT! we have to have the medical lab tests, physicals etc on our pets as well. All to be forced into "Foster care" that we DO NOT WANT to have "OPEN to anyone" option!

I mean this is really REALLY getting out of hand and control.

Back to the case worker/agency we got stuck with as the ONLY one western PA that we can work with due to location.

I am not even going to go into the nasty attitude about our pets. She made it clear, she was NOT interested in working with us. By attitude, she made it VERY clear, she doesn't like us, esp with comments she made. That we are just "laid back and easy going".

She wants to know where we are going to come up with the money so "They get paid" because I have made it clear from the start. we are NOT staying in PA, or over age 10 restriction.

I told her the State of PA SAYS! they will pay them for their services. PERIOD. If there is any "pay back" We will have to pay the state NOT them. The state will NOT refuse to pay them. She argued the point with me. I am going to TRY to get something in writing from the SWAN folks.

But That just wasn't acceptable, she wanted to go over the paperwork she "Had" to go over with us. She wanted to leave, and "discuss us" at a meeting on the 7th.

I feel like she is ALLWAYS looking down her nose at us. We are ALLWAYS beneath her, We are sweats, jeans with t-shirt kind of folks. She was again in a 50-100 dollar outfit. Her boots? HA cost more then the clothes we all had on that day to include what my 4 kids wore to school! My Old Navy out fit, and hubbys jeans and t shirt.

Even if I get it in writing to hand to them, the state of PA will pay you. Or even if I have another organiztion that will send a letter stateing. We will pay the 2500 fee your whimpering about for this family.

I don't want any part of this stuck up, snooty, boots worth more then my entire wardrobe person in my house let alone doing my home study.

We are down to earth, real people. My husband is Army, and we are an Army family. Her attitude is worse then a officers wifes'. She is not better then us, she is being hired to do a job for us, as well as her responsibility to the state. She has been very unapprocable since day one. I have not been comfortable since day one.

This is a private agency, if I request change of cw... that will just cause prejuiduce. Everyone else in the place is awesome, down to earth. Everyone else had on jeans the day we took our classes.

I simply don't know what to do. I do not want to give up. But she even said, you know. You should just wait. Give it a year or two, before you start doing this now.

Your to enthusiastic, and with my exsperience, you don't have any idea the realistic situations that happen. There is never a "happy" match. These kids come in and make your life miserable... on and on.... Why destroy your family? Is the basic lecture we got.

At this point I stood up and "over" her in MY house. I said you listen to me. These kids are not in the foster system because they are bad, these kids are there because someone was bad to them. It's sad, and a shame, but it's truth. They have a lot of emotional, and behaviour baggage that goes along with them where ever they go. My daughter has problems but she is mine, just like any kid coming into this house as a foster/adopted to be child. They would be mine. I will NOT do foster care, because I will NOT give them back. Or have it "easy" to give them back if we decide we don't like them.

If the child we choose is something we feel we can handle, we also realize that there could be 20 issues we have to deal with on a daily bases, that we feel we can deal with. But in reality when he/she gets here. There could be 100 issues and 20 of them are ones we want nothing to do with dealing with. To enclude your 99% chance of them being sexually abused and acting out on our other children. I have adoptive children at my home ALOT!

Then she had a issue with the fact that I have 2 half siblings that went into the foster system, and why were we not their "rescource" family. There are 3 adult siblings that were not "mentioned" to social services, NONE of us were considered or even Known about. Not because we were not "fit" or anything as her comments suggested.

Comes down to this. This woman makes me feel ashamed and embarrased about who I am, what I am, anything I have ever been etc. I feel stupid and looked down on, and feel like something she would wipe off the bottom of her boot.

I am not over reacting, I thought it was just me till my husband said the same thing. This was fine until she did that to me in my own home. We have been married for 7 years, and have been together for over 9 now.

We just bought our first house/home August of 06, it's a fixer upper, MINOR things. VERY MINOR! Ask me for the web page of pictures and you can see for yourself our home. But to be looked down her nose at us like she did in my own home. turn up her nose at our pets. Little snippy remarks. You ARE going to do.... and you ARE going to ........ Right?? I mean you have kids that live here....

She acted as if she was a social worker just tearing us apart for being such horrible people for what ever reason she had. She said well I guess things take "time".

We are working on finishing the basement. It's not like any of you folks here said it would be. She told us we should stop the process now. Once we have our "remodeling done" give her a call. I said you know your the one that said we need to be realistic... and it's goign to be a year or two years till we find the right child you told us, you have families waiting over 5 years already. So what difference does it make?? If we start now, gives us something to do to pass the time while we wait.

Ya well... Then we will never see or be aloud to have our home study. She will NOT work out of state for us to adopt. Unles she has the time. IF we want information about out of state children. She will do it WHEN she has time IF, so don't exspect to hear back for 2 weeks at the least. Why should she put herself out to out of state children when I'm not going to get paid for doing it. It's not part of my job... etc... etc..... etc..........

There has to be a better way.....
Either way.. Our process is stopping.
If we do not find another avenue to procede, actually start all over with. Then we are finished.

We are NOT going to be forced into foster care, all the medical, mental, criminal clearances. For everyone in our house. People and Animals. In the matter of 2 months we would have 10k dollars in bills that NO ONE will help pay for! Blue Cross only pays % of bills, never in full. So even if we have insurance, we are still going to have insaine bills to IOU for, and no assistance. And who in their right mind is going to give us "re=emburcement" for physical, blood work etc. On our dog, 2 cats, and 4 birds??? There is not even a vet I can find that will see birds near us, let alone run these "exams and tests"

I am not saying we won't do it because of "hiding" something either. Because it's rediculous!

Bend over backwards, Give everything you ahve and more, put yourself in the poor house for thousands of dollars to be forced into foster care! OPEN options of children. I will NOT be a FOSTER parent. I will not temp take children and FORCED to do so, in hopes that one I will get to keep? YES this is what they are telling me WE have to do!

Not like some of you told me you have done it. Set restrictions to "what" children your willing to take. If we set restrictions, generally would not be approved to be foster parents. This is fact.

So... Unless someone has a suggestion. I guess my days were short lived here. I will continue to make phone calls today, all day, trying to find a different option and solution. If I don't find one, nor anyone here has another suggestion. I guess I will be on my way. Even if some kind hearted soul says, Yo GeeGee, I will call and send them the 2500 right now for you, to get them off your back for the money and give you your Home study to be a free agent. She doesn't have our best interest in her heart. She has us on the soles of her 100's of dollar boots.

I will not be made feel like filth on the bottom of someones boot. Esp in my own home.

I was so proud of my children and my home, it took us a long time to get where we are. 2 years ago we lost everything we owned. EVERYTHING. We have come a very long way in 2 years, I was soo proud. After yesturday I am so ashamed. So very ashamed.

[Lorraine123]

Wow is all I can say. I understand why she wants you to wait. All of these hoops you must jump through are for the good of the children coming into your home. Sorry you see it as a burden.

[jwmjwm]

Ouch! Take it easy on the officers' wives, please! ;-)

[jenf]

I'm from western PA also, but didn't have to get medical clearances on our pets! Also, didn't have a 2"thick set of medical clearances- just one paper our dr. filled out. I didn't follow what the state says is the age of 10??? Also, in PA, if you want to go out of state, you pay the $2500 only if you are chosen for a child, not just for looking. It sounds like you need to talk to your agency and request another worker, or, select another agency altogether. We are fostering by choice, but it is not necessary to foster in order to adopt. Call SWAN for a list of agencies they work with in Western PA- there are many that might be better to work with.

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by GeeGeeTaylor

This is a private agency, if I request change of cw... that will just cause prejuiduce. Everyone else in the place is awesome, down to earth. Everyone else had on jeans the day we took our classes.
[snip]
We have come a very long way in 2 years, I was soo proud. After yesturday I am so ashamed. So very ashamed.

Well, two things:

1) If you're worried about being labeled as a malcontent because of requesting a change of case worker, but the alternative is to just throw in the towel, I can't see what you would have to lose by asking for the change. Personally, I'd just take what you cataloged in your original post, maybe clean it up a little and make it a letter to the agency, then hand it to the case worker's supervisor, and say "this is how your case worker makes us feel."

2) Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. You have nothing to be ashamed about, and I see no reason for you to tolerate someone talking down to you in your own home. I'd tell the case worker she should think about scheduling a new appointment when she's prepared to be more respectful. People get away with this sort of behavior because they're allowed to. Again, if the alternative is to give up, what's to stop you from letting her have it with both barrels, figuratively speaking.

In the meantime, it would be in your interest to thoroughly educate yourself about the rules that the agencies must follow in your state. Beating people over the head with a rule book can work both ways, and she might start being a little more reasonable if you start quoting her the regulations that she's required to follow.

You might also want to follow up with your state representative or senator. These people are ultimately being paid with public funds and they might want to know what sort of people are collecting the checks.

[GeeGeeTaylor]

1st
I appologize to the Officers wives!
NOT ALL officers wives are..... If you are one of the awesome kewl ones, then you know just how those other ones can be to enlisted mens wives.

2nd Understand it's not so much as a burden. I can see the points to some degrees. I agree with FBI Clearences in all aspects. Physicals, and I agree to show Shot records for pets. But to go beyond that is a bit rediculous. Hoops are one thing, this is becoming something else.

This week I have contacted SWAN. This is what I have found out.. talking to a superviser this time as well.

YES no doubt the age is 10 now. The will not pay the fee unless you successfully complete an adoption of a 10 year of age or older child. *will be here forever if I go into all the details* But a ton of new rules and requirements are being implimented. It's all very NEW.

All the agencys in PA that I contacted, prior there are no others to contact. All the other agencys are Foster only and do not take Self referal adoption, to far to travel *aside from the one we are using* Each has different intake processes, and they are now all based on the new Federal guide lines that is not implamented in the state YET! But will be in the coming year. Each agency was so different in their rules, etc. Are because they are alloud to set up their own guidelines and regulations. Based on their own interpritation of the Federal Act.

Here is the most extreme example of what once agency said to utilize them as an agency. TO FOSTER remember.
gather all my w2's, tax returns, bills and all other financial records for the past 10 years. (to include bank accounts, credit cards etc) I had to have proof of all residences for the last 10 years. Refrences for all 10 years. As well as the crim/chil record checks for both states we lived in. Shot records and physicals for our children for their life times or 10 years if over age 10, Medical history report on them from our doctor as well as any concerns he may have. Phsyc exams and physicals on my husband and I. The FBI fingerprint,photo,clearances on us both. Our home inspected by contractor, electritian and furnance/heat system inspected. As well as show our ability to pay them the fees for home study, if for any reason the state of PA does not. *basically have the money sitting in an account readily to go to them*

So maybe you see where this is a bit unrealistic, and I don't call that jumping through hoops. We lost everything we owned that wasn't waterproof or smash proof 2 years ago. I can't show anything prior to that. The lady told me "I'm sorry but you do not meet requirements to have children in your home" I simply laughed at her and said "No ma'am I'm sorry, I have 4 very healthy, Wonderful and well behaved children in my home that would beg the differ with you on most days. Simply because I can't show my financial records prior to 2 years ago, has NO effect on how well I raise my children or care for them, thank you and have a wonderful day" and I hung up.

Last but not least, I called my agency and spoke with the Superviser. In tears I explained that we felt we needed to hold off and not continue at this time. I also explained why. She then put me completely at ease.

Our CW is extremely excited and talks about us alot. She is thrilled with us over all. Which was a shock to me. We talked and come to believe the reason she seemed the way she did is because she is so taken back by us in general.

They are use to people coming into the process with rose colored glasses on, of this Noble thing they have choose to do in their lives. Only to find out the truth and the reality of the whole process. Let alone the chances of problematic out come, (you know the horror stories of reality it CAN be) They think that they are just coming in and giving a loving home to children that need it and the kids jump in their arms saying "YAY I have a mommy!" When the reality is a real slap in the face.

We are like no other couple looking to adopt that ANY of them in their office has ever had. We are completely informed, prepaired for the worst, hope for the best. The kids are educated to their own understandings as well. Yet we are still as excited as those folks wearing blinders. We have information and rescources of information they didn't even know about.

The woman right now wasn't exactly sure what to do with us for our first visit, she has a standard procedure that they follow, and it's everything we already know and have done, researched etc. She has been excited and talking about our family all week at the office.

She was only here for 20 minutes and was so taken back by all we have done and doing in preperations. On our table she was faced with the note books of information I have kept organized, Craft projects done and on going by my family. All the papers she brought for us, I already had copies of by requesting information prior to making the choice to procede with an agency.

Her husband is deathly alergic to dogs and cats, which is why she was weird about our animals. By being near them, her husband would be coughing and sneezing his head off when she went home that evening.

Last but not least the statement was made, "these folks are so laid back, relaxed and comfortable with who they are, I wish I could be more like them. They are so prepaired and informed, yet still excited to proceed, I wish all my families were half as much as they are."

So I have come to agree, where I can see we were a real shock for her. I completely understand that. I can see where her reactions we miss took. Her superviser said the same on my behalf as, She can see and understanding how we could of read it that way.

By the way.....she is usually in jeans too, but the reason for being so prim and proper in her "attire" was due to the day we took classes, she had a meeting with "high ups" and as soon as she left our home, again she had a very important appointment she needed to be "dressed" for. I can see where she was weird about our dane puppy wanting love and attention. Depending on what type of meeting she had to rush onto from our house. *our dog is a year old and stands as tall as my husband, she doesn't understand she can't be on everyones laps, getting a tummy rub, I am told they never realize this either*

I have actually been on the phone with her 3 times now this week, and she is VERY excited and relaxing with me on the phone now. I guess we have to figure out something for our pets when she visits. I feel bad, because just being here will cause her husband the sniffles I'm sure.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by GeeGeeTaylor

Not sure where else to post it.

1) she made it VERY clear, she doesn't like us, esp with comments she made. That we are just "laid back and easy going".

2) She wants to know where we are going to come up with the money so "They get paid" because I have made it clear from the start. we are NOT staying in PA, or over age 10 restriction.

3)I don't want any part of this stuck up, snooty, boots worth more then my entire wardrobe person in my house let alone doing my home study.

4) At this point I stood up and "over" her in MY house. I said you listen to me.




I will not be made feel like filth on the bottom of someones boot. Esp in my own home.
.

Wow. It sounds like you and the social worker have very strong personalities where neither will back down. If you don't have a good relationship, your whole adoption experience will be miserable (as you already know! ) I wouldn't consider being "laidback and easygoing" as an insult. You need to be both when you're parenting. Considering that you need her more than she needs you (after all, you're depending on her to complete a homestudy and that requires her approval), I wouldn't have been so aggressive. I wouldn't want to be viewed as having a poor temper because kids (as you know) challenge you to maintain your temper every minute of every day. You catch more flies with honey.

She will probably be just as relieved as you to pass your case on to someone else or have you go to another agency. From the description of your home visit, I'm guessing it wasn't much fun for her, either.

As for the physical, fingerprints, vet checks, etc..We've all been there/done that. It's part of the process. You just have to suck it up and do it.

[GeeGeeTaylor]

The standing up to be above her is something stupid I learned a long time ago in class I took. It's more of a "self" thing. Strange how somethings just stick with you, and you don't even realize it till you do it.

We have come to a peace with this lady, and this last week talking with her even a few times, We are both more comfortable and I think it will be ok.

I believe we are both more comfortable and at ease with each other now.

As for hoops and doing things, again I do not mind. NOT AT ALL. All that I am saying is that I have a real problem with the fact the way the rules and "have to's" are so different for each agency/group. As they are all setting up their own guidelines by their own interpirations of "future" laws.

I could spend all day here.

Basically, my main problem is. They don't give you any upfront education in the adoption reality. Everyone comes in with those Rosey glasses on. The hollywood movie adoption stories of "Yay I have parents, it's my only one true wish" and they live happily ever after. When reality is it's not that wonderful. Folks will put no joke thousands of dollars into it, Some folks may use life savings to have exams by psycologists for the family members they have, which would be the largest exspense. Then for us our medical would cover everything exept the 3 clearances, then the pet things. Till I take 4 birds 2 cats and a dog to the vet for vet checks, that would easy be another 400 dollars.

Oh the phone bills for getting references, proof of addresses etc for last 10 years. Medical records etc.

For us, We would have about 5-6k into the process, and then be denied. The medical records are lost by the military. I have no way of contacting the folks from the military base we lived on. IF I could, I didn't really talk to my neighbors or folks, Most of us kept to ourselves. So none could really give a reference.

We had 35k in damage and loss in Jan 05, everything that wasn't water proof or smash proof is gone. That would be a big strike, only 2 of 10 years of records.

So we would be unqualified. Period. Put all that time and effort into it, to come up broken hearted and with nothing.

For those that could muster up everything they want to qualify. Then to have the blinders taken off and reality of adoption from foster?? Alot of people change their minds at that point as it is, but can you imagine? People are going to proceded not because they want to now, but because all they went through, they dont' want it to be for nothing. For some maybe using their lives savings to do it. It's that or nothing? that would be no reason to continue, but sad that it very well could be the only reason the do.

or simply walk away devistated at all they have done and 1 not qualified because of any one thing missing. Or because they don't want the horror story, they want the hollywood stories.

It is going to be hard, it's going to be ruff. I am prepared for the worst case, but I hope and dream for the best.

I hope and dream tha come April 1st *oddly great things happen for me this day every year* We are informed our grant is going to be sent to our agency, Our case worker says, soon as it's here I will send you a copy of your homestudy for you to set out as your own agent as well as I'm on it for you.

The perfect little guys sibling group just happens along over the next few weeks. We visit, family visits, we get visitations, and by school start, they are placed with us. With a long bumpy road I get a HBO documentry hollywood version of a happy ever after. "realty one"

I also stopped surfing the children every day, I see so many faces come and go, I get sad for myself, but happy for them. It means they have familys.

There are 3 sibling groups that are there since day one. I feel guilty for hoping they are still there when our home study is in our hands.

But reality is, we may not be choosen to recieve the grant and we will have to apply to others. May not have home study in hand till May or June. If even by then. Then could take us year or two to find that right child or sibling group. and have to rejump a bunch of those hoops every year till we do find our children to be.

The way it is now, it's not to much, we do have to get physicals and keep forgetting to get money orders when we are out to mail in the ch/a clearances, hubby just had a physical at work, so hoping to get a copy. I have to get the cats to the vets, they are both a year old now and due. *something that has to be done anyway*

The new standards, if they are implemented here, and every where, because they are based on federal act. Makes me wonder just how many people will not be "qaulified" how many of the folks here even. Then like us, we have room, and have the heart, love, patients and the "gumption" as my gram would say. But we aren't qualified, you will NOT be qualified if you have any one piece missing.

Then....What does that say for folks like us that already have children? It's an insult.

[donna v]

please log on to kidscount2007@aol.com and tell your story . It is a place where I am collecting stories to take before the legislative. I am battling with ARKansas DHS, but this is a problem across the board. There has to be REFORM in state adoptions. Please take a minute, tell your story and hopefully we can let our voices be heard.
Thanks
DV