[GeeGeeTaylor]

We are starting into the process of adoption with out a spacific child in mind.

But here is where I feel weird about the whole thing.

Now with us going into the process you are encouraged and invited to look at the gallery of children out there. I think it's more so to have you see you are so needed and to make you want to push on with doing it.

But for me? This is so devistating to me, These are children, just asking and wanting to have a home and love, forever. How will I ever beable to say, no to old, to young, to this... to that...

I have a horrible time, seeing all those warm and needing beautiful faces, and they are little people, just wanting to be loved.

They just want a mom (family) and that's all I am and we are.

When we talked about this and made the choices. We have a van that rides 7 so there is 6 of us, meaning 1 adopted. Ok, table seats 7. that will work. Bedrooms, 3 girls in one room, and my son will soon be alone in his. He shares a room with my sister who is moving out soon. So a Boy to share his room with him will be perfect. Ok, lets get started....

I called to start the process, invite you to visit the "heart gallery". They give you the basic information, I was informed the rules are 6 total children in a house, or need an exception. Depending on the situation, and if your home is large enough, it's not necessarily hard to get the "exception"

So the Mom in me, says ok, what can I do to make room for as many as possible. My husband just nods his head. He would be willing to bring home 20 kids.

But I have this battle in me, I am a mom, and they don't have one, what kind of a person am I to turn away any child in need of who and what I am?

We just purchased our home in the last year, and there is really only room as it is right now for 1 more. So I think, what can we do to get far enough a head to get all the "hope to do's" done here NOW instead of over the coming few years. Would take a 100k-150k dollar donation from some famous person looking for publicity, and I have actually thought, "I wonder who I could write to." Or should we play the lottery on saturdays. I think of ok if I work a full time job, and him and I get part time jobs, NO! What kind of parents would we be then?

If we did the addition, we could easily take 4 more children into our home, if a miracle donation were to happen. But it's not reality and I know it. But I think everyone has the silly little dream/hope in the back of their minds, so it's ok to keep it there and hope.

So, this is where I sit, despirately look out my kitchen window trying so hard not to find a way go writing letters to famous people for donations.

How will I ever be able to sit down and look, just one profile, just one child, just one...

I am just a mom, I only have one heart to give, but it never stops flowing of love, and the more I give the more I have to give, and the more I want to share and give.

I just believe every child deserves the right to have someone they can put their arms around and call "mom" or "dad". When I go to school programs now, and my kids have that panic look on their faces, till they spot us in the croud. Me I usually stand up and yell "YO! HI *childs name*" My kids hate it and love it at the same time. But when they are older they will charsh every time I have done it.

Will I ever get past the selfish feeling and stomach churing I get looking at faces and wondering how will I ever choose just one??

[Lorraine123]

These are children, just asking and wanting to have a home and love, forever.

I too felt weird looking at the photolistings on line. It was very sad.

I hate to be a downer, but most older children will NOT be grateful to you for adopting them. They are not asking for a forever home. They want their old home back. They are grieving. They will not look in the audience for you and feel better because you are there. They have a lot of hurt and you will represent that hurt to them. This is not always the case, but very often it is.

I found that, while it is difficult to say no to a child, you must know what your limits are. The children on photolisting generally have serious physical or mental disabilities. You must search your heart and determine what disabilities you can incorporate into your home. And then stick to it.

There are a number of children that we said no to because of mental disabilities. It was difficult, but we knew we were not the best parents for those children. As it turned out, my daughter has serious mental disorders that we were not prepared for. Its been extremely difficult.

[GeeGeeTaylor]

That is truely sad, I realized for lack of a better way of saying it any child in the system would have some sort of emotional baggage.

So instead of being a mom, I end up being someone keeping them from their mom, how sad and horrible is that. Seems to me then they are better off in the foster system till they are old enough to be on their own. At least foster care is not perm, and all hope of their parents coming back for them isn't lost. As adoption is final and that hope is gone for them for good.

To want so much to give love and a family to a child that needs one, then be resented for it, that would kill me.

[DianeS]

Interesting... because I don't have those feelings. Maybe it's because I didn't see a photolisting until after I had been educated by the people on this forum and other places, and learned that I could not possibly be of help to a lot of those children. Not easy to say, but it's true. Some (maybe most) of them need things that I cannot give.

But I have this battle in me, I am a mom, and they don't have one, what kind of a person am I to turn away any child in need of who and what I am?

So, I guess I can read those profiles, note the ones who need someone who is DIFFERENT than who and what I am, say a prayer for them, and move on. I wish I could help them, definately. But I am not the person a 16 year old boy with violent tendencies needs. I am not the person a 7 year old girl with a history of sexually acting out needs. I am not the person a sibling group of 5 preschoolers needs.

Children like that don't need "A" mom - they need a very specific type of mom. A type that I am not and probably never will be. That's not easy to admit, but it's OK, because somewhere is the child who does need the type of mom that I am or that I will become - and THAT is the child I can raise to be everything he can become.

[Lorraine123]

Seems to me then they are better off in the foster system till they are old enough to be on their own. At least foster care is not perm, and all hope of their parents coming back for them isn't lost. As adoption is final and that hope is gone for them for good.

No, it is not best for them to age out of the foster care system. It is still in their best interest to have a family who loves them and cares for their best. They need a family who will fight for them.

The best for any older child is to live with their biological parents, if they are able. Second best is family members, if they are able. So, I realize that I am not the best for my daughter. I am the best adoptive mom for her, but first choice would be her biological mom if she had gotten her act together. For me to deny that would be wrong.

However, the fact is, her biological mother did not get her act together and for my daughter to hold out hope of that is wrong. She needs to give up that hope and realize that her bio mom isn't coming back. To continue to let her hold on to that dream would be wrong. She needs to accept her new family to continue healing.

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by GeeGeeTaylor

...Seems to me then they are better off in the foster system till they are old enough to be on their own. At least foster care is not perm, and all hope of their parents coming back for them isn't lost...

It does seem that way, until you remind yourself that what a child wants and what he needs aren't always (or even often) the same. This is an easy call when your first grader says he wants ice cream for dinner. It's a lot harder when he's pining for a birth mom that can't or shouldn't ever return to his life.

[akcskye]

GeeGee, I totally understand where you're coming from.

But, I am fortunate that my 9 and 11 year old ARE thankful for us adopting them, and they realized what they wouldn't have had without us.

God bless you for making an adoption decision.

[peregrinerose]

It is weird. The whole thing, but imagine it like dating... my husband and I refer to the process as dating for children. We met each other on match.com.... you scan the pictures, you email for some additional information, you meet, you spend longer times together, maybe some weekends, you move in together, you get married. It's exactly the same process with the kids.... you scan a ton of mini profiles, you read the longer profiles of the kids that jump out at you, you get additional information from case workers, you meet, you get longer visits together, the child gets placed with you, then adoption.

If you laugh at the irony and weirdness of the entire process, it is much easier to get through it.

[joskids]

"Peregrinerose" - you are so right. If you don't keep a sense of humor thru adoption, you will crash and burn.

And I agree with all of you. No child should be lingering in foster care without a significant person in their life to guide them thru. The best place for a child is with bio family, certainly, but that just isn't the reality.

So the reality is that there are those families who CAN adopt older children and be successful. I wish we had been one of them. For us, children under 2 have best fit into our family and we into their lives.

Love was supposed to be enough . . . it's not in the case of these children grieving for what they can't have and they will take their losses out on you.

[crick]

I would "assume" that because your youngest child is 7 years old that you will be looking into kids younger than him?

If so, it might be a different outcome for you. Of course there are still things to overcome with grief, anger, etc. but my personal belief is the younger the child, the better chance you have with them. Having said that, there are families on here that have adopted older and are doing great. Great doesn't mean perfect or that it didn't require a lot of work to get there.

For me, when I viewed the photolistings, it was a wake up call for me. I truly had NO clue how many kids were in foster care and needed families. Broke my heart and that is what changed my mind from international to domestic. I'd spend hours online looking at pictures and imagining them as my children. Didn't end up working out that way as my kids weren't on the photolistings, but for me that experience is still an important reminder to me of many many things.

[Gospelfan]

GeeGee,
Sooo... has it gotten easier with time?

I read your post and you described sooo well how I feel when I see these galleries. I'd bring home a whole housefull of kids, if i could...
Like the others, I had to let reality set in on what my husband and I can parent best. For me, I have worked with kids with profound disabilities and work full time as an autism therapist... BUT I had to be honest about my abilities to parent a child with such needs forever, and my husband had to do the same. He was so afraid I'd think lesser of him for saying that he couldnt. But, the compassion and risk I saw in his vulnerability of trying to be a good daddy to whoever, I got the same wake up call for us both. So, it's a matter really of what kids can our family raise best.

Beyond the special needs, the number of kids is still something that catches my eye. We know we want a sibling group of two... well he knows we want a sibling group of two, I keep thinking with my southern hospitality "the more the merrier". The rules that you can put three kids per standard room, and sometimes four in a large room keeps screaming when i see sib groups of three or four.

But it always goes back to what we can realistically do as parents. It's so hard. I'm with you, I go back and forth between feeling selfish and feeling realistic. Cuz, when it boils down to it... we're like you in that we want to be not just any parents, but GOOD parents. And we want a family.

[bnamoore]

I can definately emphathise on feeling horribly because there are so many children out there on the photo sites, who are seemingly unwanted. I can't even imagine how that must feel. What I do know though, is what I have gone through in my own life experience, and what I can and cannot deal with in a child. My husband and I have actually sat down and made a list of criteria, and determined what disabilities or difficulties we are willing to work with. It is just as hard as going to the animal shelter. Every single animal in there is cute, in their own way, but to try and save them all isn't fair to anyone involved, and some will just end up neglected again. We have decided to just adopt one child, which we know we may be waiting longer to do, but that is better than jumping in and making a decision that might not be forever.

[boutit]

I have to disagree with the statement that most kids do not want to be adopted. When we were taking our impact classes we were told of teens that didnot want to be adopted. They were allowed to stay in foster care. The teenage children that are looking to be adopted usually have made the choice between adoption and foster care. I am almost finished reading the book "Adopting the hurt child" I highly recommend it for all that are adopting older children.

[Texmomma]

Boutit- That book is GREAT! Almost every chapter had something that felt like a quote from my life! We have 3 bio kids, and have adopted a 16 year old (ow our oldest) who was in foster care for 9 years. Yes, he wanted to be adopted, he loves being part of our family. And yes, there are very rough times. But we love him and can't imagine life without him now.