[akcskye]

Hey all, I was reading and posting on another thread, and I thought I would start up this thread.

It seems that there are many people considering adopting older children, but are not allowed to see the "blessings" of this form of adoption because most people only post when they have problems.

Please join me in making a thread in which you share the "positive" aspects of your older child adoption.

Even if your children have had, or currently have issues, be honest, but let's show these people considering adopting the older child the GOOD that can come out of the adoption process.

Have you started with a horrible situation, and out of your hard work, turned it into a good situation? SHARE IT!!!

Are you lucky (like me) and have had very few issues with your older adopted children? SHARE IT!!!

Are you currently having problems with your older adopted children, but today was just a pleasant day? SHARE IT!!!

I know adoption is not all hearts and flowers...but all that some of these poor adoptive hopefuls are getting is nothing but negative...and though it is a very real consequence sometimes...maybe we can all help heal each other!

I'll post my "story" in a few hours, right now, gotta wash.

Will YOU share? :-D

[misuspotts]

Ok, our 3 were placed at ages 3, 4, and 7. Not old, but definately not babies. I would absolutely do it again! The only real issues they have would be there no matter how old they were at placement (ADHD) and in general they are just showing age appropriate behavior. I think because of their ages we were able to know exactly what we were "getting". We knew up front that they were all healthy, bright, and developing normally, something you just can't know with a newborn. (I certainly didn't have that guarantee with my birthchildren!) They have all attached well in a relatively short amount of time.

[lynnrose]

We adotped our son when he was five, they called him (Special Needs, ADHD, Defiant disorder ). I call him a child who has lost those he loved, a child who has seen more than most would ever see, a child who uses what he can control to survive, he is my heartbeat. He had behavoir problems, and at times still does, but i feel so would i if i had been where he was. He made great progress from kindergarten to the fifith grade, the biggest complaint was he had no respect for authority. They began to see him as a bad kid, until i asked them to see the other side of the coin. Imagine yourself at two years old, being ripped away from the only family you have know,dropped off a strangers house, social workers and judges, and foster familys all adults, would you respect them ? He is not a child that has had a normal childhood, so why do you expect him to act like a normal kid?. Some would say that he needs to be in special education, but he tested above average in every test they thru at him, i say he needs time and understanding,we as his parents have to go back and teach him those things that no one was there to teach him. Most of his diagnois came from the complaints of his foster home where he spent two and half years. He was medicated for adhd, he was uncontrolable in there home, he was also put on medication at night to make him sleep, he was known to sleepwalk. it took us years to find out that he was abused by his foster father, he witness his friend killed by a shark with his foster family while on vacation. He was threatened never to talk about it or they would kill him, he carried that nightmare with him for five years why you ask, because they took him out of state with out permission, and they were afriad they would lose there licence, and the monthly income. As hard as it was for him to tell us this storie, so many things made sense, you see he use to have nightmares about sharks chasing him, it was what he said every time i asked. Therapist told us he was very aggressive with his toys, he use to tear the head and arms off of all his action figures, the little boys body was found with no head or arms. He drew pictures of sharks in a pool with red daggers coming out of there eyes, that drove most of his art teachers over the edge, therapist told us that was unresolved anger. He would never go swimming in a lake, and always asked if sharks could like in the lakes. All of the signs where there, but who would imagine that this happened. When i questioned the social worker that had his case, she told me he must of seen a movie about sharks and was i sure he wasn't making it up. She had no record of the foster family ever taking him out of the state, in her eyes they were good people. I told her he knew the name of the town and state, he knew the little boys name, and the year it happened. I found the story from the newspaper online, it was as he said it happened,I faxed it to her, and have not heard from her since. The true diagnosis of our son is Post Tramatic Stess Disorder, and we are treating him with EMDR they use this procedure on viets who suffer events from the war. He has made great progress, he can now talk about the things that happened to him, we are his safe place, he smiles more, he is more at peace with himself, the nightmares of sharks are gone, the aggression with his toys are gone. He insist on his windows to be locked and the window facing the street the shade must be drawn, it is the fear that his foster father will find him if he ever would find out he told. But that is ok, whatever we need to do to make him feel he is safe, that is all that matters. He is are son weather we gave him life or not, we will stand behind him and support him, we will see him thru whatever it takes to help him heal, and you can see he now knows that, we have bonded as a family. To me that is what adoption is all about, thru all of this we have never regreted adopting our son, he is a loving child with a big heart,and we are proud to hear him call us Mom and Dad, and very proud of him and who he has become.

[pnewcombe]

I have completed in the fall of 2006 the adoption of 4 boys ages 13,14,15 and 17 as a single dad. I have found the experience both challenging and rewarding. The four boys had lived together in the same orphanage for about 8 years. Two are siblings and two are unrelated. They have teenage issues and in mild form some of the issues typical to institutionalized children who also suffered the loss of their natural families while young. There have been days when I have had to remind myself to stay mellow and keep the truly important issues in focus and let some of the smaller problems go until later. But without a doubt the boys are doing well and the benefit of knowing that they truly have someone committed to them is already making a difference in their outlook. While every one's experience is unique, I know that this was right for me and that I have been very good for them.

[kretzklan]

Our children were 6 and 7 at adoption from Russia in late 2005. We recently passed our one year family day and our family of five (including older brother - bio) is doing well.
Were there stuggles? Uh-huh...but they were pretty basic stuff for a family with three kids only 31 months apart total.
They are a joy...I could tell a million stories...but I'll just tell the story of today (it's the freshest in my mind).
We went to tumbling, where my DD is becoming a superstar...her brothers watched with me and led the cheering front for her in the car on the way home. She hopped in and said "Are you so proud of me?" - those sweet things are things I didn't want to wait a long time for...with older kids you get them right away.
We had dinner out and talked about the days of a 1st, 3rd and 5th grader. We laughed while they tried jalepenos and lauged some more as they boogied in their seats to the tunes of the live band. The boys like to tease DD...and she teases right back. We run to baseball, gymnastics, school, meetings, football, etc. etc. and they are all active and loving life.
I wanted all those great things that you get with kids this age and I'm not patient...I couldn't wait through diapers and feedings and all that...I got instant gratification and I try to remember when they are saying "MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM, he hit me" or "Mom, why would you want to kiss with your tongue?" (true question from a couple of weeks ago) - that that is part of the gift also!
Oh, the teenage years will be SO FUN!

[DianeScraps]

Our daughters were 4 & 6 when they moved in, they are now 6 & 9.

The description we got of them placed the older as a major troublemaker at home and school with no respect for authority. The youngest was listed as being easy going and well mannered.

We quickly found our oldest simply needed structure, consistency and accountability. We have no school issues with her since the day she moved in.

The youngest has definitely been a LOT tougher. She was in a special preschool for kids with emotional problems (somehow they didn't think that was important to tell us) diagnosed w/ ODD, dythemia, anxiety, anxious attachment, etc etc . This time last year I was in tears and prepared to take her to the psych hospital to be admited. She through violent tantrums several times a day, every day. She needed to be home. I dropped my then part time work (self employed) down to almost nothing. We pulled her out of the special preshool last Feb and she stayed with me pretty much 24 /7 untill she went to 1/2 day kindergarten. She is off all of her meds for the past 5 months, hasn't had a single violent tantrum in the last 3 months. She is excelling at school too.

It isn't easy, but the benefits and changes in the girls have made it very easy to see that it is worth it.

[mrsred]

Our adopted son came to live with us when he was 5. At that time our bio son was 8 1/2. We face a lot of challenges, and after a little over two years are still facing challenges. But any regrets? No. He is our son, was from the moment we met him. He has a diagnosis of adhd, ptsd and anxiety disorder. I have just started reading The Out of Sync Child and he fits the description of SID, so we are going to pursue that. He is bright, loving and a joy in our lives.
A year ago we met T. She was 9 1/2 at the time, just five months younger than our biological son. She moved in with us in February and her adoption was made final December 1. She has been even more challenging than E. She also has a diagnosis of adhd, but also ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). We have made a lot of progress, and although things are far from ideal we are getting there. Between the two of them I spend a lot of time driving to therapist and psychiatric appointments. There are days I think I am the one that needs the psychiatrist! But, I wouldn't change a thing (well, no, I would change the number of times T totally defies me in a day).
So, with an almost 11 yr old son, 10 1/2 yr old daughter and 7 1/2 yr old son our house is getting pretty full.
But, dh and I started talking about adding "just one more" about a month ago, and have decided that we are up for it. Three is a hard number, seems there is always one "odd man out". So, time for one more girl, 5 - 8 years old. And then that will be it. For sure. lol

[pattiboo26]

You are right nothing is easy.

My girls are 9 and 11. We took in my husbands ex-wifes kids. He is not b-dad. Their bmom and b-dad are in prison.

my husband and their bmom have a daughter together who is now 18. We wanted to keep this family together.

My husband and i have a 4 year old.

The wonderful part of adoptiving these older girls is our 4 year old has older sisters to learn from and play with.

they are doing great both just made the honor roll in school. I am very proud!!!

but i still wonder how things affected them. My 9 year old just had her birthday and her b-mom sent a birthday card.

Can u shed some light on how she feels inside about who she is?

[sundara]

We adopted a family of 4 sibs. They moved in 5 yrs ago at ages 8, 9, 11 and 13. They are now 13, 14, 16 and 18. This was a domestic adoption of kids from foster care, and was an out-of-state adoption. My DH and I were in our early forties when they moved in.

There are so many benefits to adopting older kids, and especially a family of sibs, its hard to know where to start. Some benefits for the kids are:
- they are with siblings, not split up. VERY important, even when the kids don't think they want this (my oldest wanted to be adopted alone, but is so grateful now that this did not happen)
- they know each other, so there was no "adjustment" for them to get to know each other
- they have a built in support system - each other! They have someone who understands what they are going through to discuss things with.
- They have someone who understands their history to discuss things with - bio parents, adoption, new parents, new schools, everything. They don't often DON'T agree in outlook on these topics, which makes it even better, because they know the understanding is there but tempered with opinions that may not match their own. Makes them stop and think.
- Memory validation - because they are sibs and remember bio parents, they help validate each others memories. Each had different stuff from bio home (mostly pics, though these were few too) to share.
- feelings of safety in numbers. Being together helped alleviate a lot of fears being adopted can raise (esp out of state, where everything was new)

As an adoptive parent, this situation is great for many reasons (including all the above reasons that are also great for the kids). First, the age of the adopted kids is helpful because:
- adjustment to becoming a new parent - older kids can talk to you and express needs. Even with teens, you can reason with them. With younger kids, this is only available to a certain extent, and when dealing with so many difficult issues, it takes a certain age/maturity level to be able to work through some of these issues with them.
- we will be "done" with raising kids [ha! ha! we'll never be DONE done <smile>]. What I mean is my kids will be out of College by the time we are in our mid-fifties (still have chances to save for retirement, go on trips as a couple while still young, etc).
- no daycare expenses!!
- support from "the system". Adoption subsidies and medicaid support have been extremely important. Also, the adoption tax credit (not deduction - credits are MUCH more helpful). We started out with financial help instead of starting out in debt.
- I feel like our ages are in line with our kids. If I had been blessed enough to be their "tummy mommy", my oldest would have been born when I was 29, and my youngest at 34. No questions about "are you their grandmom?"
- Energy - frankly, I am sometimes quite exhausted by them while in my forties. I can't imagine having to parent teens in my late fifties or early sixties. This is my personal feeling, not at all a statement for anyone else - we are all different and have different stamina levels, so please don't take offense to this.
- They help us. When they first moved in, they were a unit that was hard to find a way into, and they hid many things from us & covered for each other a lot. But as we built trust with them over the years, that has changed immensely. Now, when one of them acts out, the others are more likely (95% of the time) to tell us what is going on instead of covering for them. They also realize when it is tough on us or when one of them is unfair (blaming us for bio issues, etc), and, while supportive that their sibling is going thru a tough time, either refuse to allow that sib to take it out on them or tell them when they think they've been unfair to them or to us.

Has it all been easy? NO!! But what parent has it easy? I've seen many kids from families in our area that give their parents much more difficult times than us, and others that I envy because their issues are so mild that I would give my eye teeth to have life be that simple.

The main difference is that adoption adds an extra layer during parenting, esp during the teen years, that you have to be aware of and help your child through.

[jigger]

We began fostering my son when he was 4 and adopted him at age 5. He was diagnosed as ODD, ADHD, Bi-Polar and RAD and was on three different hard core psych medications. Guess what, he wasn't any of these things. He was a sweet, wonderful little boy who needed love and structure in his life.

Because we adopted older, I didn't have to deal with diapers, midnight feedings and the rest (been there, done that with my first child). I got to see instant and wonderful improvement in his behavior and happiness. I could absolutely tell that the things I was working so hard at were HELPING. It's a great ego boost. I also gained an instant friend and playmate for my DD. It wasn't all roses but we made the right choice for our family and now have a wonderful son forever.

[akcskye]

Boy that was a big load of laundry, huh? LOL

Okay...time for me to share...I posted and totally forgot all about it!!! Bad poster of the year award for me!

In all seriousness...

Our 2, K&K, were 9 and 10 when they moved into our home back in August.

Son K was defiant a LOT at first...testing authority, trying to negotiate/manipulate out of punishment...but I honestly feel, looking back, he just had to see if we would accept him as is.

He was always made to be the "heel" in other placements...and he is always afraid to shine because of being so used to being in the shadow of his sister.

I love his sister as well as him...but she has the cutest dimple and little "mouse smile"...and I know she knows this and tries to use it to her advantage...and because of this, was quite the master manipulator (nothing serious...anything a normal child would do to get their way) and until us, could pretty much get anything she wanted. If she doesn't get her way, she would pout and smart mouth...that got nipped in the bud, too.

I share this because whenever anyone asks me how we're doing, I say we're doing great. We really are...however, to present our adoption as "surreal" would be a fallicy.

We have gone through the ups and downs of being parents...anyone does...we were just lucky that with the types of things our children have been through, they're not a LOT worse off then they ever presented.

Son K just needed a dad and stability. 2 years makes a TON of difference when you start getting yanked 4 to 6 years of age in bonding, whereas sister at least got to have bonding/family time with her bio mom before getting the final pull.

Son K never got to "know" what family is...and daughter K didn't either...but she got more of what little there was...know what I mean?

The prior placements would always tell DHS son especially needed to be on medications, and simple things he would do that would get him taken away for a weekend into psych centers was stuff that, had I been a DHS worker, I'd have been investigating into the "how" more than blaming son K.

For instance...was in foster care, got removed for 2 days and put into residential care for chasing his sister with a hatchet.

He literally was "chasing her with a hatchet"...he had a hatchet in his hand, and daughter K initiated a chase and he didn't think to put it down.

It was NOT the implication that the foster family (who has since been shut down) gave.

My question was..."WHERE did he GET the hatchet...WHO dropped the ball on locking up such dangerous things around kids?"

But, they tried to make it that he was a bad little boy, and he certainly is not.

Now, as we approach finalization, it is so cool to hear the kids say they feel like they've been here forever, yet the time has gone by SO quickly. That means they're truly enjoying life, as are we.

They get what they have never had and have longed for...a mom and a dad and family...and we get to be parents and not have to endure more miscarriages on the path to parenthood...we were able to skip pregnancy, diapers, 2 a.m. high fever pediatrician calls...all of that stuff.

The positives, for us, have HIGHLY outweighed the negatives with our adoption...and that's why I created this thread...so people considering this like we have aren't scared off by the bad posts.

As we know, people hardly ever post when life is good or "uneventful"...but in the words of a very nice pastor we know "don't just call me when you need prayer or life is bad...let me share in your good times, too".

[Sari]

This is great, thank you so much for sharing your stories! My DH and I are now up to our 4th class with the county, and of course I am looking at photolistings, trying to analyze, trying to figure out "what's wrong" since I am scared we will make a bad choice. It's nice to hear how some children were made out to be monsters when they really are just misunderstood.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by akcskye

For instance...was in foster care, got removed for 2 days and put into residential care for chasing his sister with a hatchet.
.

I worked in a residential treatment center. One of the children was a delightful little girl (12) that I just loved. In her record, it stated she pulled a knife on her foster mom and that's why she was put in residential. She was never, ever violent. She had issues relating to abuse from a non-family member-but she was a darling kid. Her birthmom loved her so much-and was jumping through hoops to get her back. Months later when talking to D, I asked about the problem with her foster mom. D said she was fixing herself a pb&j (with a butter knife) at the kitchen table. It was Halloween. Her Foster mom came in and told her she couldn't go trick-or-treating because they didn't believe in the holiday. D got upset and threw the knife down on the table-it skidded across and landed on the floor next to the foster mom. That was it. How can anyone twist a story around to make a child look violent? I was so upset when I found out about this. D later went home with her mom and they were living very happily together (the last I spoke to them). I often wonder if that foster family knew the effects that their lie was going to have on the life of this child.

[WhoKnew]

Great thread! When were preparing for and going through the process, I often got scared by what I read on this forum. But it was good; it helped to prepare me for what I might face. The first year was rough sometimes (dd was four), but things have continued to get better and better. It is just amazing to see this little person blossom into a happy, confident, and more trusting child. Despite the challenges (that darn defiance!) dd has really 'completed' our family (at least for now ).

akcskye made an excellent point. People tend to write more when they are going through the tough times. Many of us don't think to come on and just say, "BTW, things are going great" "We've had a great day/week/month".

I absolutely encourage anyone interested to get more information and pursue older child adoption. It has chnaged my life for sure, and most of the time for the better!

[bettynme]

Hello all,
I really apppreciate the responses I found here. We are in the middle of the liscensing process and are interested in adopting a child or sib group of two ages 3-9. Many stories I have read on line have been discouraging. Thanks for sharing the good stuff. We are under no delusions. Children are not in the system because their life has been great and many suffer due to the system itself. We expect challenges and trials...but that is life and living....thanks for the encouragement.

Many Blessings to all...
bet