[advocateteacher]

Hello! I am new to the forums but I have been looking into international adoption for several years. I am waiting for my situation to become more regular before adopting. I had been looking into Guatemala, Peru before that. I am adopting singly. I am 28, which I mention because I don't know if the age difference helps or harms in older child adoptions. I am a teacher and caseworker for 16-21 year olds some of whom have been foster children. I originally thought I wanted a boy under the age of 5. I am considering adopting from EE and potentially a girl under the age of 9.

While everyone has been so supportive of my longstanding wish to adopt, when I suggest adopting an older child they try to warn me off of it. can anyone tell me either what made then decide to adopt an older child? If you've been through it already, can you tell me realistically what I can expect? My reason for wanting a preschool aged child initially was the language problem. I wanted some time for the child to acclimate and learn the new language, plus I know Spanish. But I feel pulled toward the older girl first.

Any thoughts?

Jen

[Lorraine123]

I adopted an older child, a girl, age 6 when she came to us. I wanted an older child because I felt that I could deal with special needs and I had two older biological sons and therefore, didn't want to do the baby thing. My daughter has RAD, ODD, and a host of other issues. It has been harder than anything I have ever done in my life. Whenever I hear someone saying that they want to adopt an older child, my first response is "What???? Do you know what you are getting into?". Especially with international adoptions, emotional issues (such as RAD) will probably not be known. RAD is very scary. So, research it and decide if you think this issue is something you can handle. It isn't for the faint of heart. Being a teacher and caseworker for these children is a whole different ball game than being their parent. RAD children take their anger out on their parents, while being charming to others. Just be sure to research, research, research.

[KarynB]

Having dealt with attachment disorder in our son too (who was adopted at age three), I completely agree with Lorraine. Great that you want an older child, but you need to be completely ready for the complete host of emotional issues that these children will almost certainly bring with them. In fact, in Canada (or at least Ontario) , children must be under age 3, and if not you must get special permission from the Ministry. Almost always, first time parents will be denied this request. It is so emotionally demanding....and I don't know if there is a way to properly prepare for it ahead of time.

[JGarrick]

We're planning on adopting out of the foster care system in Minnesota. I haven't "been there, done that" yet. However, I have studied attachment disorders enough to be cautious, but am still blissfully ignorant enough to be willing to proceed.

Surf around in the "Special Needs and Attachment" area here, and read up on attachment disorders, etc., so that you can make an informed decision. The more I've read, the more I've come to believe that KarynB is correct in that there probably isn't a way to understand what it's like to live with these children without having been there yourself.

Find and read a copy of Adopting the Hurt Child by Keck and Kupecky, and assume that children who have been abused or neglected will have some or all of the kinds of behaviors described. If you still think you're up to the challenge, then go ahead and adopt, but armed with the knowledge that you're facing all the potential problems of an older child adoption AND all the potential problems of an international adoption.

But also remember this - there's a long line of people waiting to adopt infants. The older children need you more. Learn, prepare yourself, then do the work you feel called to do.

[lynnrose]

The key to adopting the older child is to understand where they have been, realize that there lack of respect for adults and autority sometimes comes because it is adults who have hurt them or let them down. Except that they are not perfect, find the resources that will help you both thru some hard times, your caseworker should be able to help you with that. We adopted our son when he was five, he is now eleven, he has come a long way since he came to live with us, he shows symthom of ADHD, and is on Medication. I do not lie to my son, i tell him the way things are, yes his life started out badly it was not his fault, it does not mean he has to continue on that road and it is never an excuse for bad behavior ! think about how that child feels when they come to live with you, they have to be scared, they now are living in a strange house, sleeping in a strange bed, and soon calling someone else Mommy !. Some kids in foster care are never sure if the next family is forever, they never know if tommorrow they will have to leave. So they do not trust, they do not let you in to there heart right away, it takes time a structored home, patence and a lot of love. I made up a silly little game with my son, it was called " The never let me go game" we played it with my son every night for the first year consisting of kisses and tickles and lots of " I will never let you go, I am keeping you forever " you find a way to break the wall they put around there hearts, they are survivors. I agree with the others, do your homework, get as much history as you can on the child you are interested in. DCFS has children that have mild to severe emotional issues you must know what you can handle, research the different disorders and treatments. But most of all if you want to adopt that older child go for it, just be prepared, educate yourself. Every child is different, every emotional issue is different for each child, some children live in the past holding on to the painful past, that they can't see how much better there life is now, until they are able to heal, healing takes time. It is not easy, at times it can be frustrating and difficult, but it can also be very rewarding and well worth the effort.
Good luck to you..

[DET62]

I adopted my daughter from Russia two years ago when she was 13 years old. Several people, including my own brother, told me I was crazy to adopt her. They were wrong.

I met my daughter when my choir sang at her orphanage. I took one look at her and knew God meant her to be my daughter - even though I had never thought about international adoption. I am single, no prior kids.

My daughter has a learning disability, mild FAS, and we have had behavior challenges. However, I don't regret adopting her, not for a minute. She has a loving heart, she is very intelligent, and she's a wonderful child.

I am in the process of adopting a 10 year old boy from Kazakhstan. He will likely have similar issues.

One thing about older kids - they appreciate a family. My daughter knows how lucky she is. She writes me little notes all the time telling me how much she loves me and her grandmother [who lives with us].

I have become a big advocate for adoption of older kids. They come with their challenges, but they are wonderful. You just have to educate yourself on how to help them. I am actually writing a book about my daughter's adoption, and another one is planned about her first years here. I want people to know how great it is to adopt these kids.

I'd be happy to talk to you. Just PM me.

Take care and good luck!
Dee

[Linny]

Of the seven children we've adopted.....four were infants. Two of those four are now grown and doing very well (adopted as infants). Three in the middle came to us as older child adoptions, and two were biologically related. The first went into residential after almost four years with us. He has dangerous behaviors and has been in residential for many years. He will be an adult this year, has had severe RAD and his conditions have not improved. He will never live at home.

The second older child adoption lived with us for many years and became assaultive. We were allowed to reverse his adoption because of the danger he presented to our other children.

The third older adopted child, is being adopted by relatives because of his fear from the incidents of the other child, and the attachment issues he has. He lived with us for many years as well.

The last two have been infant adoptions and continue to do well. We can say with almost certainty, that we would never adopt a child over the age of 12 months again.

I had majored in psychology; also have a degree in elem ed. Have taught in a behavioral disordered school and dealt with many BD kids enough that dh and I thought we were pretty well prepared. We were wrong.

Granted, I know there are some older child adoptions that have worked well. But, Lorraine words it right on the nose. Keep in mind that this is NOT like raising a child from infancy. As far as I'm concerned, raising children such as we tried meant that we were more like the counselors, than the parents. We put our other children in harm's way, we ended up with a dead family pet, and we literally lived in fear many times.

Make sure that you are more than well-versed; and be prepared to admit if a particular placement isn't working out before finalizing. Do not keep in mind that 'these children need you'.....if everything you've known to be solid and good is falling apart. True, they need family, but there are some children who fit better into some families than others.

My best to you. But I have to say, I would be one of those people 'trying to talk you out of it'.

Sincerely,

Linny

[mrsred]

We just finalized our second older child adoption last week, both from foster system. When we started this journey most people tried to convince us that we should not adopt a child older than 3. We said we would not accept a child younger that 5! Why did we choose older kids?
1. Our biological son was 8 when we started the adoption process. We wanted kids old enough that he could have a true sibling relationship with... play with, confide in... not some baby brother or sister he had nothing in common with. Now he is 10. Our adopted son is 7 and our newly adopted daughter is 10. They all fight like crazy and would kill anyone that tried to hurt their brother/sister. Sound like siblings?
2. The whole baby/diaper/night feeding/toddler proofing thing? Been there, done that.
3. There are hundreds of couples lining up to adopt every baby available for adoption. We wanted to know we were making a difference.
4. Last, but most important: God spoke, we listened.

So, now here we are, almost three years after the starting gate with 3 kids. All three are on medication for adhd, one has anxiety disorder, one has oppositional defiant disorder. I spend a lot of time taking kids to therapy or psychiatrist appointment, and going to family therapy. Not a day goes by when I don't have to deal with a temper tantrum or break up a fight. I have a whole lot of headaches and am ready to call my doctor and tell her I need medication for depression.... but would I do anything differently? No. My kids drive me crazy, they make me nuts. But they are mine. And I love them whole heartedly, and even though things are rough, they are getting better, slowly but slowly.

[joskids]

We have adopted 4 children and done foster care for 6. Also had two girls in our home, ages 8 and 11 that I fell in love with and thought I had gotten ALL of the information possible on them and it was mostly very positive. But we had to disrupt their adoption because they had issues the agency was not aware of that affected (and would have GREATLY affected) the lives of our other children. I have always felt a pull to older girls and still hope against hope that it could not be true that there is NO older child that cannot be adopted with keeping your family in tact. But I'm beginning to doubt it. Is that sad to me? You bet!! The oldest child we adopted was 2 and had been in only one foster placement. It was still very different from adopting the 3 we got as infants but she's 8 years old tomorrow and doing beautifully. I so agree with most of what was said above. And for now because I still have it in my heart to help an older girl (who I hope needs me), I am volunteering for a mentorship program in our county. I will spend a few hours a month with this child and it will not impact my other children the same way adoption would yet I still feel that I am hopefully lending support to a child who needs me.

Josie

[lynnrose]

We started out the process of adopting we wanted brothers, we felt that way they could stay togather. when we met our son they suggested that he be an only child, because of the emotional issues he had. We did one on one therapy that did not work, so i had to find another way to reach him. In the years that have passed we now know that his emotional issues did not all come from being taken away from his parents, and kayotic life, they came from the abuse he suffered at the hands of his foster family. My point is that there is good and bad in everyone, most of the foster home are wonderful, god bless everyone of you, but you do have those that are not. For whatever reason Bchildren can have issues too, theres are just different. Adoption is a calling in life,it is a road you must travel, a challenge you must take.

[1moretime]

I, too, adopted a son at age 7 from Russia 2 1/2 years ago. I am single with a bio son who had gone away to college. I did not want a baby. I am too old and the idea of all-day daycare, diapers and bottles was just not something I am interested in.

My son was part of a host program. I met him, felt I got a big signal from God, and there was no turning back for me.

We do have some issues, like who is the boss of this family. He has some issues at school, like who exactly is the leader of the class him or the teacher. But mostly he is a fantastic, smart, funny, energetic, organized kid. He is above grade level in all of his subjects. His teacher and I both feel that he will be a great leader one day. I certainly hope so.

Adopting an older child is most definitely not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of patience, perserverance, and persistance to do it. Those first few months were really really hard.

This child though has not only wrapped himself completely around my heart but also the heart of my mother who was not enthusiatic about my adopting.

Now, if I had the $$ to do this all again would I? You bet!!!!!!!! Am I very proud of him, absolutely!!!!!! He is my sunshine. I am trying to figure out how to financially swing adopting a sibling close to his age. Again, I want an older child.

It may be easier to adjust to/raise an infant. But that doesn't mean you can't love and enjoy raising an older child. Remember they need homes too.

[mrsred]

1moretime wrote "I am trying to figure out how to financially swing adopting a sibling close to his age. Again, I want an older child. " Adopting from the state foster system is definately affordable. If you go directly through the state your only cost will be legal fees, if you go through an agency most have smaller fees for foster-adopt program. Either way, your state will reimburse your adoption costs to a point (our state caps at $15,00). While the child is living with you prior to adoption you recieve foster care payments, and even after finalization you will usually recieve adoption support in the form of medical/dental care, any therapy he/she may need, and even a monthly stipend till the child turns 18. Adopting from the foster system has its own set of challenges, but it is also very rewarding. You can set your limits (we said no full blown RAD, no sexual acting out), place an age range and a gender preference. I am sure that adopting a 7 year old from Russia you have a prettygood idea of what attachment disorders look like. You are obviously capable of handling the special challenges.

[Adtab]

I've heard horror stories about adopting older kids.

However, I definately plan to skip the whole baby, potty training stage myself.

If anyone wants to claim the horror stories, just remind them, most of the horror stories that make national headlines these days are biological kids killing, maiming, etc their parents and siblings. You are no more at risk than anyone with a kid.

Just be prepared for the attachment issues, and other things, and hopefully all will go well.

[Howdy]

I adopted an older child from foster care and one reason I would recommend adopting a younger child is that kids don't stay little very long. I can't believe how quickly they start to get rebellous and teenagery. Mine is only 10 yrs old but her friends are taking my place already. She doesn't sit in my lap much anymore (tho she's getting so big that might be a good thing), she has her first real boyfriend (first one who is aware he is the boyfriend and doesn't vehemently deny it), all she wants to do is talk on the phone to her friends, wants to go places with them instead of with me (I just get to come along to drive and pay), etc.

Worst of all she has more teenager-like emotions, including anger. When she was younger she was much easier to deal with when she was emotional, she'd want to be held and carried, or if she claimed she didn't want to be touched, she didn't want me to go away either.

But now she will go door-slamming off to her room and be ferocious about it. She has also gotten a relationship with knives (threatening to cut herself, kill herself, stabbing pillows) that makes me very anxious.

I don't feel like I had enough time to be a mom in a cuddly nuturing way.

On the other hand, I'm not sure I want to get another child. Maybe someday. It would be nice to have a second child already established in the home, but the first year takes so much emotional energy and I don't know how I could do it and still have enough of me left over for the first child.

And I'm not sure my daughter will survive to adulthood because she is so suicidal. Too many bad things happened to her during her first 7 years, her self-esteem is very very thin, and her resilience is non-existent. She told a counselor that if one more person abuses her, she is going to kill herself. And I think she would.

So, if your goal is to be a mom and raise a normal child, I'd say adopt very young. If your goal is to sacrifice yourself, possibly actually lose your life (or your other family members..my sister was killed by her brother-in-law's foster son), in an attempt to TRY to raise an older child, then the older children really desparately need parents who will do that.

I'm so happy to have my daughter, but if she hurts me or my mom, and/or kills herself, I won't feel it was worth it to adopt an older child. I tell myself that at least she will have had a few happy safe years, but I know I would be miserable and feel like a failure if she doesn't make it.

[lynnrose]

Is your daughter in therapy ? My son had issues with abuse, he was very angry and disagreeable. We took him for a therapy called EMDR, it helped my son a lot, maybe it could help your daughter.