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Old 01-01-2007, 10:44 AM
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Batty1 Batty1 is offline
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I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are dealing with all this. I will keep you in my prayers, and sincerely hope that things improve. You are doing an awsome job!
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Old 01-03-2007, 04:41 PM
mglover mglover is offline
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Now I'm Scared

After reading all the postings, my original dream of adopting an older (6-10 yr) child from the foster care system doesn't seem so great. Are there any success stories? Is this something a "normal" family can handle? and Are all older kids in the foster care system RAD?
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Old 01-03-2007, 05:45 PM
Sari Sari is offline
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Originally Posted by mglover
After reading all the postings, my original dream of adopting an older (6-10 yr) child from the foster care system doesn't seem so great. Are there any success stories? Is this something a "normal" family can handle? and Are all older kids in the foster care system RAD?

I am wondering this also. I was very interested in adopting an older child (or 2) but reading stories about family members being hurt or killed scares the you-know-what out of me! I don't know if I could live with it.
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Old 01-03-2007, 07:08 PM
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mrsred mrsred is offline
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It absolutely breaks my heart to read that both mglover and sari are thinking of discarding the dream of adopting an older child. Yes, there are success stories out there! I am living proof. I am not about to say that our exisitance is idealic, we have lots of challenges. But the rewards are SO great! Yes, my bio son has been made a target occassionally to temper outbursts, but he has never been injured any worse than either of my brothers or even I was injured by fighting sibs. Our son's life is so much fuller and richer for having adopted. Anyone that knows him and describes him used "compassionate" as one of the first words to come to mind. I'd say that is a pretty big deal, to have a compassionate 10 year old boy. My adopted kids were 5 and 9 when they were placed with us (two completely separate adoptions, not birth sibs). Although they have some attachment problems, neither of them are full blown RAD. Both these kids are very much bonded to me, my husband, our bio son and each other. I am not the only success story. Really. PM me if you like and i can tell you our whole story. Our visit us in the chat room. Often you will find us in the general room, or the foster/adopt room. You will find a lot of proud moms there.
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Old 01-03-2007, 08:21 PM
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JGarrick JGarrick is offline
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I wondered that for a while myself. However, you have to remember that not many people show up here and post "had another great day today - no problems again - same as always." The forums are - among other things - a support area for people with problems, so that's mostly what you hear about - problems.

I was born to a family of (at the time) nine, and we were all placed in foster homes when I was a year and half old and eventually "aged out" of the system. None of us has gone to jail (yet), and we're all leading generally decent, productive lives. I grew up with a foster brother who has significant mental health issues, but he's able to live independently and was never a threat to anyone he lived with (aside from being a rather frequent drain on my foster parents pockets).

It's smart to find out what the worst case scenarios look like, and to consider how you might cope with that if it happened, but don't think that all the problems you see here represent the norm.
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Old 01-04-2007, 12:21 AM
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adopted3 adopted3 is offline
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We have adopted 3 teenagers through the state foster/adopt program. Their ages when we first got them in our home were 14, 15, and almost 18. The 18 yr old has Autism and Schizophrenia. Each child has had their own set of challenges that have been met with lots of prayers, unconditional love and acceptance.
I wrote an essay for one of my online college courses about the 14 year and her baby (we adopted both)
I call it our biggest success story (so far...)
I would like to share the story with all of you and encourage you NOT to give up on these older children. They need homes as much and maybe even more than the babies do!

Susie's Story

The following is a true story about one of the many children we have had in our home. Her name has been changed to protect her identity.
Susie was brought to our door one hot July night. Clutched in her arms was not a bag of clothes but a real live baby girl! Susie’s’ caseworker said “Don’t expect this to last, she has been in seven placements in the past seven months” Two of these placements had been mental hospitals. We were told that she was defiant and aggressive and a high risk to run away. I began to wonder “What have I gotten myself into?”
Susie let us know right away to keep our distance. “Trying to hug her was like hugging a brick wall”.
As the days began to unfold we saw just how defiant and rebellious Susie could be. If we asked her to dress a certain way or eat a certain thing you could bet there would be a smart remark or a rebellious deed. If things failed to go her way, she always made sure everyone knew exactly how she felt!
At first Susie tried to take care of her baby. She was 14 and knew very little about parenting. I would show her how to do things for the baby but she could usually find an excuse to get me to do them instead.
After being here less than a week Susie asked us, if we would adopt her. She stated “ I have no one else after my grandma dies” Her grandmother had raised her since she was an infant but due to a heart problem could no longer care for her. She died a few months later. After her death we did decide to adopt Susie. Now the real battle began!
If we thought Susie was a handful before, she was even more so now. In the following months while we were working on getting her adopted, she put us through the ringer! She ran away, she played hooky from school; she would curse and throw a fit when not allowed to see her present boyfriend or people she wanted to hang out with.
One night after being grounded for skipping school, Susie tried suicide. That was the beginning of a slow but sure turn around for her life.
We called the police who took her to the hospital where she was evaluated by a mental health crisis team then hospitalized in yet another mental hospital.
While they were handcuffing my daughter, through my tears I said, “Susie, I love you, I will always be here, and no matter how hard you try, you can not make me hate you.
That night Susie and I talked. She began to let those brick walls around her come down. When I left the next morning, after watching them take her away in cuffs and shackles, I felt like I had just given birth to my daughter.
I would like to say that things got better and stayed that way, but there would be more fits of anger and rage and threats of suicide.
Susie was testing that unconditional love and acceptance that we had promised her. All her life people would abandon her by sending her away or going away themselves. She thought if she pushed hard enough we would do the same thing. We proved her wrong. We proved her wrong many times over the years by just loving her and accepting her for whom she was.
Today Susie is a well adjusted young woman with a bright future. She is very artistic and is being interviewed by art colleges and about to have one of her poems published. I believe that a higher power brought her to us and made us her “forever” family. A family who would never have made it without the unconditional love and acceptance that brought us through the tough times.
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Old 01-04-2007, 02:13 PM
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MamaS MamaS is offline
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Did you also adopt the baby, was she placed elsewhere, or did Susie parent her? When my adopted daughter had a child she was not capable of parenting I had to choose between her and the baby. It was, and continues to be, the most difficult choice of my life. I wondered what others did in this situation.
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Old 01-04-2007, 06:41 PM
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adopted3 adopted3 is offline
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Yes, we did adopt her baby. She was 21 mos old when bmom did tpr and we finalized adoption. They were raised as sisters legally BUT the baby (age 4 now) knows she has 2 mom's . She knows that Alyssa (her is her bmom and I am her a. mom. She calls her bmom mama lissa and me mama. Our daughter has moved out now and Jennnifer visits her in Memphis every couple months.
This situation worked out great for us! Some people thought we were crazy adopting a baby at our ages (50&57) at the time. But we knew this was the baby girl we had longed for since our bio son was small (he is 34) I thank God for bringing both her and her bmom to our door that hot summer night. I am glad I did not have to choose between them but was blessed with both girls.
I wish you luck in your situation. Feel free to email me or add me to your messenger list if you would like to chat sometime.
I would love to help anyway I can. : )
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Old 01-11-2007, 07:34 AM
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akcskye akcskye is offline
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The skies have opened, and the hallelujah chorus is singing...

My children are 11 and 9 (placed in August with us at 9 and 10).

We have no biological children. These children come from a history of SA and neglect. Surprisingly enough, there is no recommendation for therapy, and attachments are forming well...and not too quickly (which could be a RAD red flag).

Now, I *may* be the exception to the rule...but finalization is going to happen next month or early March, and things have been going great.

Everything we have been going through as a family is what most "normal" families are going through (forgetfullness, school parties and dances, basketball games, and the like).

Our children are well behaved and well adjusted.

I don't know HOW we got so lucky, especially for first time parents to receive such a blessed gift of a 9 and 10 year old who ARE so well adjusted...but for those who are getting weary of the bad news...good older child adoption DOES happen. Like another poster said, it's just not a normal thing to do to "post" when things aren't problematic.

The children are responding to us so well. It's not been all hearts and boy was quite defiant when he first moved in, but it's been almost 2 months without an episode that was almost 2 or 3 times a week when he first moved in. He needed to see we'd accept him at his "worst".

We researched adoption for almost 2 years...we read and read and asked and asked, and then we met...and it was absolutely wonderful.

Though my case probably isn't the norm, again, don't let other people's horror stories tear into you...a good older child adoption can happen.

Originally Posted by mglover
After reading all the postings, my original dream of adopting an older (6-10 yr) child from the foster care system doesn't seem so great. Are there any success stories? Is this something a "normal" family can handle? and Are all older kids in the foster care system RAD?
PROUD forever Moma to daughter K, age 15 and son K, age 13
Moved in on 08/15/2006
Finalized on 04/09/2007, 2:30 p.m.
Foster to Adopt, through DHS in Oklahoma

Last edited by akcskye : 01-11-2007 at 07:39 AM.
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Old 01-11-2007, 09:20 PM
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adopted3 adopted3 is offline
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Congratulations Kristi on finidng your *forever* children!
We have had three older child adoptions. They all tested us to see IF we were going to be there no matter what, but we presevered and all is well in the Hunter household. There are lots of successful older child adoptions out there, like you and the other member said "you just don't hear about the *good* ones" Thanks for sharing your story with us.

Adoptive Mom to 3 girls 1 boy
Bio mom to 1 son
Raising 2 g.children
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Old 02-19-2007, 12:50 AM
WhoKnew WhoKnew is offline
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Originally Posted by mrsred
1. Our biological son was 8 when we started the adoption process. We wanted kids old enough that he could have a true sibling relationship with... play with, confide in... not some baby brother or sister he had nothing in common with. Now he is 10. Our adopted son is 7 and our newly adopted daughter is 10. They all fight like crazy and would kill anyone that tried to hurt their brother/sister. Sound like siblings?
2. The whole baby/diaper/night feeding/toddler proofing thing? Been there, done that.
3. There are hundreds of couples lining up to adopt every baby available for adoption. We wanted to know we were making a difference.
4. Last, but most important: God spoke, we listened.

MSRED - you took the words right out of my mouth (except our bio child is a girl). It was the right choice for us, and we were the right family for dd .
Proud Mommy of one daughter through the miracle of birth and one through the miracle of adoption. Children's book author and illustrator.
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