[mrsred]

Hey! Congratulations on your decision and the progess you have made so far. So, how long did placement take? We were not quite as flexible as you but we were pretty flexible. We have one biological child, and wanted him to stay the oldest so, since he was 81/2 that was our top age (however we did end up saying an older girl would be okay, as long as she was still in elementary school). We knew we wanted one more boy, and one or two girls. We knew we didn't want anyone below preschool age. We said we would consider any sib group meeting our criteria, or would adopt individual children. We also stated no sexual acting out (for the protection of our biological son). We began the licensing process in January '04, were licensed with completed home study by the end of June. Then began the wait, which at the time seemed to be forever, but in hindsight wasn't so terribly long. In August we got a call from our agency about a little boy, going on five. We met him Sept 3rd and began doing the transitional visits. He moved in with us November 28, 04 and we finalized his adoption November 18, 05. During this time we continued to search for a girl. We went to a Kidfest, we had a girl for a respite weekend, I was checking the waiting child websites continually, and having my agent submit our homestudy to any that looked promising. In June, 05 we took an emergency placement of a 7 year old girl, hoping it could be permanent. It wasn't till after we got placement that we discovered that she had been sexually abused (and was exhibiting some of the acting out behaviors), was FAS and RAD. With the special needs our soon to be adopted son, it was just too much so we asked them to find a different placement for her. It turned out well, as a couple was found that had no other children at home. It was very frustrating at times - girls are harder to find than boys, and so many that you do find have such serious issues.
In January of 06 we got a call from the sw that had been the case worker for the little girl we had done respite for. She had a 9 1/2 yr old girl in need of a permanent home. Once again we started with a respite weekend, but this time, instead of knowing it would never work, we knew she fit. She move in with us February 17th, and we will be finalizing her adoption next month.
The short version sounds so sweet, so perfect. Reality is weekly therapy sessions x 2, screaming tantrums by one or the other a few times a week, days when I want to lock myself in my room and never come out. Our biological son is ADHD, our adopted son is ADHD with an anxiety disorder and attachment disorder thrown in, and our daughter is ADHD, attachment disorder, and ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). So, between the three of them we have 8 different prescriptions that have to be doled out daily. One thing that can be said - there is never a dull moment in our home!
So, what can you do to speed placement? Well, first off are you going thru an agency or directly thru the state? Either way, make sure you stay in close conctact with your case worker. But him/her a lot. Make sure that you are the first ones the caseworkers think of when ever a kid comes across their desk. Go to foster parent meetings if you have them in your area. Our agency has special programs, and I volunteered to help with a lot of the functions. You want them to know you, you want them to know how committed you are. And pray a lot! The child(ren) you are meant to be are out there, and God's timing is perfect!

[Beyonder Queen]

Hi.
We are foster parents in our mid fifties ( foster since 2000) and have adopted three kids: 8, 13 and 16 at their adoption. These are unrelated children, two boys and a girl.

Our preference for foster kids is any sex from 8 to 18, but we have had all ages. Currently we have a 17 year old girl and her 7 month old son, as well as her 15 year old sister who is in a substance abuse rehab. The plan is for her to return to us once she finishes the program ( we had her for three weeks while they found a rehab bed for her.)

Most foster parents and adoptive parents want babies so that they can " make them their own." It is difficult to live with a child's history, and with the life altering problems trauma brings--the older the child the more trauma they have experienced. ( moving from home to home, abuse, etc. loss and separation)

But we love teens. and have raised four of our own before getting in to this. And, we honestly aren't up to waking at 2, 4 and 6 to feed an infant.

Older kids also give you more freedom--they can be left alone for short periods of time while you "take a breather" ( or a nap.)

In fostering one teen boy, the DSS asked us to mentor his family as well. They now regularly join us as extended family on holidays. We have around 34 for Christmas some years. That's something else to comsider--older kids sometimes have families that ( even after adoption) will continue to be a part of their lives. We allowed our 16 year old to have contact with her biological mother and even let the mother stay with us for a few days while she visited. We could have said no, but teens are so close to being adults that they would pick up the association once they were 18 any way and it's better for them to face those failed relationships with the support of a loving family.

I have a web site for older parents/ foster parents to offer support. It is at Beyonder Court
There is a forum there as well that I am trying to get going. I'll admit that life has kept me from working on it as diligently as I might, ( right now we have our two adopted boys, our 16 year old granddaughter is staying with us until Christmas, and we have the 17 year old and her child as well as regularly visiting the sister in the rehab 140 miles away )but if you are interested, give it a try.
Good luck
The Beyonder Queen

[Michele81]

I'll definitely try your web site, Beyonder, especially since it SEEMS that we are nearing the point where a potential match could be found between this very minute and the time of the next great freeze of the Northern Hemisphere! We are DILIGENT (my word for PIA0 in contacting our worker, even to the point of "surprising" her in her office when she didn't return a call for 5 days!
We do plan on going through SWAN if possible, but signed with a private agency that does SWAN just in case we need to expand our horizons to facilitate placement. I mean, other than WANTING a girl (not a mandate) and PREFERRING a sibling group, how much more could they want of us?

[CanadianMommyToBe]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Are there other hopeful adoptive parents on the forums that prefer to adopt older children over infants?

Hubby and I are hoping to adopt toddler - 4 yrs old.

Carrie

[jackiesbooks]

My husband and I are in our mid 40's and do not want to do diapers again. We also want to adopt a girl, since we have 2 boys. We have been fostering for 3 years. It looks like we will be adopting our foster SON who is 5. when they call us for placement, he was only 3 and a boy - not the 6-10 yr old girl that we stated we wanted. Something told me to say yes (after I found out he was potty trained!) - I am glad I did.

[mrsred]

Jackie, isn't it funny how God's plan comes through no matter what it is we think we want? Your little girl is still out there somewhere, you just needed this little boy first.

[JewelMarie]

Jackie: I hope everything works out for you; this is exciting.

[jackiesbooks]

Thanks - I call my CW voice mail once a month and say - "this is Jackie's monthly call - We want a girl!"

[sundara]

Good luck to you! It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Also realize that this takes time, but once it happens, it happens quickly.
I adopted 4 sibs (ages 8 thru 13) who are now 13 thru 18.

We got our homestudy in 1999, the kids moved in 2 years later. Sounds like a long time, but you end up spending a lot of time looking at the photolists, applying, and rarely hearing back - its very hard, but you have to hang in there.

I applied in response to our kids photolist in August 2001 just before leaving on vacation. Came back from that trip and had to make a trip to meet the kids' social workers the week we got back! (This was out-of-state adoption, but luckily, still within driving distance). The kids moved in in January 2002 (we ran into issues with our state being slow to finish interstate-compact paperwork, otherwise would have been much faster).

The things that worked for us (according to our kids's Social Workers) were not all things in our control:
- we had reasons to go to the state our kids lived in several times a year due to my husbands family living there
- they loved our sense of humor and that we didn't take ourselves too seriously
- they wanted to get our kids out of that area of the state (too many relatives/bio family/bio friends around), so interstate was a good choice for them
- my husband and I both came from a large family, so they felt we understood how it works with sibs.

On the question of facilitation - you want to be proactive and yet take care not to be overly so, as that can come across as obsessive, even when it actually isn't. (I had a worker accuse me of that, and I only called her twice in two months!). It is important to remember that the SW's have a job to do too, and are often understaffed, so you want to show that you are emotionally stable by NOT calling everyone all the time.

Each state/county/office has their own preferences on contact. Many only want you to call if THEY initiate contact first and request it. I don't know about agencies, as we were adopted from foster care & did not go the private agency route, as they are typically the last resort for foster kids.

The order of placement from foster care generally follows this rule of thumb:
- relatives
- foster parents
- applicants from local listings
- If not adopted locally, then goes to state photolists
- If not adopted from state list, then national photolists
- If not adopted after national listings, then agencies, churches, etc

This is only general, some offices go to agencies earlier, etc. We were selected after applying to a state photolist. We applied the day the kids' profile was posted.

make sure to have a photo album put together for use by the agency (electronic is probably necessary & easier these days). If you get selected to apply, they most likely will want to see it prior to or at the first meeting. Make sure to show your home inside & out - your potential kids will want to see it, as will the workers, esp if you are going out-of-state.