[DreamingAzure]

I'm hoping to adopt twins, OR 2 (non-related)infants from Vietnam next year and have been sharing my hopes and asking questions in various chatrooms for several months now.

I am amazed at the negative responses I have gotten about adopting 2 children at the same time as a single women! I normally I would let most of this roll of my back like water on a duck...but now it's starting to tick me off!!

I was informed by a "lady" in chat(on another site) that I would be abusing my(future) children if I didn't adopt them seperately and bond to them individually. And this is the 2nd time this same argument has come up...

I understand that some people have issues with what has been termed virtual twinning...but to say that I would be abusing my children??? I'm not seeing what difference a little blood is here...My children at 3-9 months aren't going to know they aren't blood relation to each other

Maybe it's the fact that I'm Single?? I'm just shocked at how rude and unkind some people have been about it...from people who do know anything about adoption it's one thing...but these are other adoptive parents.

I'm getting possitive responses too...but the negative ones seem to stand out more!

Thanks for the vent

[GuatMommy2Be]

Gosh. I'm sorry that someone has said such things about you or adopting two at once. What about adopting siblings, is that considered "abuse?"

Do not feel the need to justify your actions. If you feel you can give two children a loving home, whether you are single or not - then more power to you!

[tobeafamily]

Shana,

Understand that 'artificial twinning' is a controversial subject in adoption. It is different from sibling adoption. Artifiical twinning is generally defined within the community as adopting two unrelated children who biologically could not be siblings - i.e. ages are less than 10 months apart.

There are reasons people are against this, primarily because children whose ages are so close have very demanding and different developmental needs. Babies are not 'blank slates', they come with very definite ideas about who they are.

They also may have vastly different personalities, instincts, etc - even more so than biological twins who do share geneaological heritage. Twins share a bond formed in utero that singletons do not - even fraternal twins. Their first sounds in utero are that of each other's heartbeats and their first movements are of each other.

People have had successes parenting artificial twins, there have also been failures, including several interruptions that I've personally been aware of. How devistating for a child to lose their family twice because their afamily took on more 'than they can handle' figuring their children would be 'twins' when they weren't.

If it were me, and I wanted to parent two or more, I'd adopt siblings, or children who are biologically not artificial twins, i.e. at least ten months apart in age.

JMHO

Regina

[lambeausam]

Regina made a great point about artificial twinning. If you are adopting two children that are not at least one year apart, make sure they have an established relationship, whether biologically or emotionally, such as roommates at an orphanage.

Sam

[DreamingAzure]

I understand that artificial twinning is very controversial, I actually expected to hear a lot of people express concern or reservations about it...BUT I NEVER expected to be called a Child Abuser!

I'm hoping for bio twins, but I am also open to the idea of 2 non-related infants(from the same orphanage) or an infant & toddler or a singleton when it comes down to it.

I guess I didn't expect such anger. Or such personal attacks...Oh well I've survived worse things!

[hjdeth1]

Shana,
Take the "artificial twinning" debate with the merit it deserves...no more than another person's opinions. There has been absolutely ZERO research that has shown that the adoption of same age non-biological children has any direct negative impact what so ever.

Is it harder to help 2 children adjust than 1? sure but that doesn't matter what age or biological relationship...2 is harder than 1. If you feel you have the ability to parent 2 children then do it.

As for the adoptive parent that said you were abusing your future children...man would they have a field day with my family! I adopted 2 non-biologically related children in 2001. Proceeded to "aritifically twin" the youngest in 2002 with another non-biologically related child 6 weeks younger...then "artifically tripletted(?)" the 2 youngest with another non-bio related child 10 weeks younger in 2003. Now I have a 10.9yo, 9.6yo, 9.4yo, and 9.2yo! All have adjusted well and are siblings in every sense of the word that counts.

Don't let the naysayers upset you. They are nothing more than people with an overly inflated view of their own opinions and too little self-control to voice them respectfully.

Blessings,
Hannah

[Jensboys]

I think a more real concern and where POSSIBLY the idea that its "abusive" is the REALITY that adopting older children (any child older than 6 months) requires special skills to ensure attachment. Adopting one child with attachment issues as a single parent can be completely overwhelming (take a gander at the attachment boards) but TWO? Almost Impossible.

You need to understand and be aware of the fact that the greatest risk of adoption disruptions are

#1) First time parents adopting "older" children (older than 6 months)
#2) Parents adopting more than one child at the same time
#3) Single parents doing either of the above.

Trust me, if you have ever been involved in /observed even one disruption you do ANYTHING in your power to prevent it from happening again. You are choosing something that does put you into a high risk category. Yes there are probably alot better ways to express that to you than to say you are "abusive" but the reality of parenting two children as a single parent is HARD, the reality of parenting two special needs (attachment) children as a single parent, while having to work, is probably very close to impossible.

Please, educate yourself on what you might face. Be prepared for the WORST and hope for the best. For the sake of your future children, you MUST HAVE thought these things out.

How will you deal with it if one or both of your children suffer from attachment disorders or issues?

Can you stay home for 6 months as a minimum if your child requires that?

How will you arrange for child care if one of your children is emotionally healthier than the other?

Check out these links -- READ. The issues are very, very real!

Older Child Adoption http://forums.adoption.com/forumdisplay.php?f=475

Facilitating Attachment http://forums.adoption.com/forumdisplay.php?f=818

Attachment Disorders http://forums.adoption.com/forumdisplay.php?f=467

Attachment Disorder Parenting http://forums.adoption.com/forumdisplay.php?f=815

Special Needs and Attachment Forum (this has a complete listing of issues you might face) http://forums.adoption.com/forumdisplay.php?f=221


Jen

[tobeafamily]

Hannah,

I respectfully beg to differ. There is research out there, though not as much as in other areas of adoption. These research fiindings all indicate more negative than positive outcomes of the practice of artificial twinning.

Cite:

http://www.adoption.ca/pdfs/artificial_twinning_e.pdf

Snip:

"Ames recommends that parents should be cautioned that the time and energy necessary to rear an orphanage child make it unwise to adopt more than one child at a time, or to bring the child into a family that already has several young children. A pre-adoption program should help both parents decide if they havethe resources to raise an orphanage child (Ames, 116). The Ames report speaks to the need for parents to be educated and better prepared to address behavioural difficulties. This type of preparation can assist parents in making an informed decision regarding family composition. If families are not provided withcounselling and education they may not foresee the challenges surrounding artificial twinning"

(snip)

"The literature notes that the act of artificial twinning usually reflects the parents’ desire to regain control over their family planning and in “getting” a child, far more than it reflects an understanding of the needs of their children or the challengesof parenting and family life (Johnston, 20). Avoiding artificial twinning and promoting the need for a psychological pregnancy are the main reasons that many agencies require that couples end fertility treatments before beginningpreparations for adoption (ibid). Johnston refers to Michael Trout, a child therapist and an expert on attachment issues, who believes that healthy preparation for parenting in adoption cannothappen when adopters’ don’t give themselves the opportunity to experience a psychological pregnancy (Johnston, 22). This psychological pregnancy also benefits the adoptee by providing the child with the opportunity to be the center of the parents’ universe for at least the amount of time nature would take to bring a pregnancy to a live birth (ibid). "

I'd also note that your children were not infants or toddlers when they came to you - they all appear to have been school-age children. If my math is correct, your children were about 7 and 6 when they came. The needs, capabilities, demands and understanding a school-age child brings to the adoption is far different than the needs, understanding, capabilities and demands of a newborn, infant, or toddler. (i.e. a child under age 3-4 at placement).

JMHO

Regina

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

"Ames recommends that parents should be cautioned that the time and energy necessary to rear an orphanage child make it unwise to adopt more than one child at a time, or to bring the child into a family that already has several young children.

Boy, I know a few families that brought home 2 children at a time. And a set of twins into a family with 8 kids! Glad they never read this!


"The literature notes that the act of artificial twinning usually reflects the parents’ desire to regain control over their family planning and in “getting” a child, far more than it reflects an understanding of the needs of their children or the challengesof parenting and family life (Johnston, 20).

How does this differ from adoption in general? I do not think many of us went into this to save the world, we all wanted a child. Is he assuming that parents only "getting" one child are more educated in adoption than those "getting" two? I do not follow the logic.


Avoiding artificial twinning and promoting the need for a psychological pregnancy are the main reasons that many agencies require that couples end fertility treatments before beginningpreparations for adoption (ibid). Johnston refers to Michael Trout, a child therapist and an expert on attachment issues, who believes that healthy preparation for parenting in adoption cannothappen when adopters’ don’t give themselves the opportunity to experience a psychological pregnancy (Johnston, 22). This psychological pregnancy also benefits the adoptee by providing the child with the opportunity to be the center of the parents’ universe for at least the amount of time nature would take to bring a pregnancy to a live birth (ibid). "

I have an MBA and I do not understand what this means! I guess I should have paid more attention in my psychology classes!

Kay

[crick]

Shana - I had 2 "strikes" against me when adopting my sibling group of 4. First time parents, and all the children were over the age of 6 mos. I was married though, so #3 doesn't apply.

Happy to say that our adoption did not disrupt and here we are 3 years later!

People do have some good points here and I think like with anything else, you'll educate yourself as much as you can and weigh all the possibilities on what you can or cannot handle. I'm sure because you will be a single parent, you already have your support system in place or at least know who and what your support will be and how important a support system will be.

It's not easy parenting multiples at once, and I'm sure you know that too. I found the first year very hard and I was home with them just about 24-7. Without a strong support system with my dh, family, friends and also the agency counselor, I wouldn't have been able to do it.

There's always going to be issues adopting an older child. I don't think it's close to impossible at all, just going to have different challenges, and yes, maybe some of those challenges will be more difficult. Then, again, they might not be.
And no...I don't think you'll be abusing your children if you don't adopt separately. Hopefully with the resources & support system you build, it will help you and your children overcome any challenges you might have.

Best of luck to you!
Crick

[maggie_va]

What is your motivation for wanting to adopt 2 at once ~ especially twins or artificial twins? Have you ever spent anytime actually caring for 2 infants or 2 very young children? I recommend trying it before committing. It is doable of course but challenging and as a single parent it will be double the challenge.

Also, I know these boards are filled with "we bonded instantly" stories and while that may happen, you shouldn't count on it and plan to spend lots of time working on bonding. My DD came home at 3 months and it was not an instant bond. It was something that we worked at. I could not imagine as a single parent having the capacity to provide the time and attention to 2 infants or an infant and a toddler, that they would need for bonding and attaching. Don't say say that you will get help from family and friends bc this will be counterproductive to the bonding and attachment process. The babies need to know you are the one and only source of their basic needs from food down to cuddles. You wouldn't want others, even family, to come in and start meeting their basic needs.

I don't think what you are considering amounts to "abuse" but I do think it is misguided.

Maggie

[crick]

Maggie - while I agree that the bonding process is so very important and also agree that she will need to bond with them without the family interference in that process, a support system could also do many other things for her to help.

Laundry, housecleaning, errands, food shopping, meals, yardwork etc. All these things can be done by others so she can focus on her children. Not to mention having the emotional support, which she'll need as well.

You may not agree with it but to label it as misguided? One can certainly point out suggestions or things to be aware of, but to tell someone their desire to love and provide for a child is misguided is a bit harsh in my opinion.

[DreamingAzure]

Hey Maggie

Thanks for asking those questions Many people just assume the answers without ever asking the questions!!

Yes, I have experience with twins and young infants.

I started my first paid mommy's helper job at 12 years old(although I only worked 4 hr. a day) for a family that had twin newborn girls, a 2 year old, and a 3 year old.

From there I went into a home day care situation(age 15) where I was in sole charge of 4-6 children ages 12months - 5 years(also 4 hrs. a day)

As I matured so did my jobs.

By the time I was 24 I was a full charge nanny of 3 under 3(which included a set of 18m twin boys) which was 20(usually 24) hrs a day 6-7 days a week. plus ALL cooking, cleaning, laundry(for ENTIRE family) and ALL household shopping and errands...pretty much the parents showed up to sleep at night...there were times when the kids and I didn't see them for weeks at a time..knew they were there...just never saw them .

From that experience I KNOW that I can do just about ANYTHING with a triple stroller or a double backpack including amusement parks and traveling alone...ME with 3 children....I know what it is like to be a restaurant with 2 screaming babies and a hyper 2 year old ...

I've also spend several years teaching Pre-K, as well as caring for infants 6weeks-24 months in an accelerated preschool setting.

SO...lol...I'm going into this with my eyes WIDE open!! lol

I know how hard it will be..but I also know how rewarding it CAN potentially be. and I KNOW that I am capable of doing it, and doing it well

I know the bonding may not be a happy ever after...

As to WHY...

The biggest reason is that I enjoy the interactions and experiences I have had with twins in the past. I've been blessed to work with 9 different pairs of twins over the last 10 years(ranging in age from newborn to 7 years). And I would LOVE to experience it not only a care giver, but as a parent.

I also want my children to be very close in age, and to grow up together. (Yes...I know being close in age does NOT mean they will be close in others)

I hope to have all my children home before my 35 birthday...I take my hat of to single women who adopt after 40...I know if I would be up to by then! lol BUT then I may be one who keeps adopting into my 50s..I just don’t' know...but as of now my target age is 35!

I have a potential opportunity(85% chance of happening) that has arisen for the financing of my adoption. It will cover most of what the adoption fees will be for adopting 2 children...BUT whatever money that I do NOT use will disappear and I will NEVER get it back. And it is unlikely that I will be able to save enough money quick enough to be able to pay the fee for another adoption in the next 4 or 5 years...and I really don't want that kind of delay between my children.

I wouldn't turn down a singleton if that is all my country of choice refers to me...but when I dream I see 2 shining faces looking up at me.

Please if any one else has questions please ask!! I love to share!!!

[Kimberj71]

Shana,

There are so many opinions on this issue (as you have seen from the responses). The fact is that only YOU know about your own situation....your support system, experience, energy level, patience, ability to deal with adversity, willingness to parent a child(ren) with special needs, etc... No one else knows you like you do.

I think saying that virtual twinning (I dislike artificial...my kids are very real) is abusive is going overboard. Is there the potential for abuse? Sure...but that is true of someone adopting a single child, biological twins, sibling groups, etc.. It is true of married parents and single parents, first time parents and experienced parents.

The fact of the matter is, that there are children who need families. We all want what is best for these children. Living in an orphanage or a temporary fosterhome is not the best situation for anyone. You know and I'm guessing your social worker who does the homestudy will also have an opinion, if you parenting two small children is best for two children.

If you're asking, "Can it be done?", the answer is "yes, it can". But your individual experience in adopting multiple children at once will depend on you and the children you adopt.

Learn as much as you can. Talk to the adoption community. Go out and meet people who have adopted multiple children, virtual twins, single adoptive parents, parents with children with attatchment issues and other special needs. Make an informed decision, both for your future child(ren) and for yourself.

Kim

[Bassette]

I think others have given you many valid and important items to think about. Here are some random thoughts and inquiries that I have.

• Artificial twins are *not* twins and should not be expected to behave as such. Experience with twins may not apply in this situation. They will not have the bond shared between twins although I concede that it could be possible to foster one. But what if it doesn't happen?
• If children are adopted at seperate times to allow for long term one on one bonding, only the first adopted child will receive the long term one on one bonding. Therefor the argument against artificial twinning would not be applicable to a second child anyhoo. KWIM?
• Even though it is in your best interest to adopt two at a time for financial reasons that may be putting your best interest ahead of the children's best interest.
• On the flip side,...if it's a matter of two now or one now/two never, depending on the circumstances it may be better for two to have a home than to languish in a non-stimulating environment. I am not fully aware of the conditions of Vietnamese orphans so understand that is just a general statement and I impress that it may, or may not apply.

With that said, I want to impress that they are random thoughts and not necessarily aimed at the original poster. Furthermore, as you may already devise from my list of thoughts, I am not for or against artificial twinning but I am a strong advocate for approaching it with responsibility and education. Only an adoptive family knows what they are capable of handling. I know of families that have sucessfully raised two unrelated children of relatively the same age. I also know of families that were unsucessful. Just be cautious, wise, educate yourself and put the children's needs first and foremost.

To the OP, I wish you luck and much happiness whatever you decide. Oh, and BTW,...equating artificial twinning to child abuse, in my opinion, is rediculous.