[Kimberj71]

I am not happy with my response for a question I get constantly. So I was hoping someone out there could help me out.

What do you say when people ask "are they brother(s)/sister(s)? People don't ask this if I have one of my bio children and one of my Guatemalan born children with me, but if I have both Guatemalan born children, the question inevitably comes up. My response is "They are now" and sometimes I follow up with "they are not biologically related"....but it doesn't feel good to me.

Any suggestions??

Kim

[2boyz1girl]

It depends on the situation, but for the most part I just answer "Yes, they are." Or, I'll get asked if they're all mine, and I answer the same way. My oldest ds (bio) is eight and he's 1/2 Native American, 1/4 Mexican, 1/4 cc. My middle son (also bio) is 1/4 Mexican, 3/4 cc. And our youngest dd (adoptive) is full cc. So they get gradually lighter and it's pretty obvious that they aren't full biological siblings. If I feel a need to educate, I will. But if it's just some stranger in the grocery store thinking I've been around, it's none of their business.

[Ozwald]

I get the "are they twins" question ALL the time. I am like you Kim.... no answer feels good to me. I HATE feeling like I am being rude to people. We had a very good adoption experience and I love talking to people about adoption BUT if I start telling people the boys were adopted and are bio unrelated, I feel like I am giving way too much info to total strangers... and info that quite honestly is not my right to give to others.

I need to start practicing answering these questions tactfully so that when I am out and about, it will be easier to say. I definitely need suggestions too.

Jen

[Kimberj71]

That's usually how the question comes about for me, Jen. They ask if they are twins and I say no...because they aren't and then they ask...are they brother and sister.

Maybe I do just need to say "yes". Somehow the answers I have now make me feel like I'm belittling or putting less value on their sibling relationship than if they were biologically related and I don't want to do that in anyway.

Thanks! I hope we get more input here!

Kim

[coco46]

Originally Posted by 2boyz1girl

But if it's just some stranger in the grocery store thinking I've been around, it's none of their business.

2boyz...I got a chuckle out of this! You're right. It IS none of their business.

Kim,

Unhappily, I don't yet have any first hand experience to share with these questions, but I've been reading a lot about how to handle it. I totally agree with the idea of just saying "yes they are", smiling and walking away. Sometimes, people are curious about adoption, but sometimes they're just plain old nosy. If you feel like they really are looking for education, you can always redirect the question back to them with "Why do you ask?" If the person is curious about adoption, they'll generally tell you. If the response you get is "they don't look alike" or something similar, you'll know right away that it's time to end the conversation.

I'm sure you'll find the way that works best for you!

[mckenna]

for the most part do feel like people are just curious and don't intend to be rude? my nextdoor neighbor has twins and one is very much bigger than the other (when my mom saw their christmas picture, she said, "wow, those kids are close in age" she thought they were about 9 months apart). she gets looks and questions all the time, mostly because it is different to see someone with children so close in age that don't appear to be twins. being a much older sister of twin brothers, i remember what it was like when they were little, we would get stopped by every stranger that ever had any personal experience with twins. people just seem to be facinated, so when you have children so close in age that could be twins, i wonder if their questions could be innocent.

[Mexmom]

My dh and I are parents to identical twin boys that - through the grace of God - we adopted from Guatemala. We are always asked, "Are they twins?" which is curious as they're exactly, down to the ounce and inch, the same weight/size. We just nod and smile.

When I have all four of my children with me I'm asked if they're all brothers and sisters (my two dd's are Mexican-born). At first I just said, "They are now" which I thought made the point that I wanted to make. But lately I've just been saying, "Yes, they are" because they really are brothers and sisters - through adoption and not biology. My dd's are 8 and 5 years old and I didn't want them to hear me hesitating when asked...because they ARE brothers and sisters in every last way that counts.

I don't think there is exactly one answer that fits but try different responses until you find one that feels really comfortable. For me it was a simple 'yes'.

Caroline

[toria]

I find this thread interesting. As you can see by the ages of my babies....i deal with this everyday! Many people just walk by and say "oh how adorable..look at the twins" I just smile and say thank you. If they actually come up to us and i see that it is going to be more than just a passer by, i tell the story, quickly. "no actually they are adopted and they are three months apart" I tried the deal of pretending they were twins just so i didn't have to tell my story 100 times a day but it didn't work. The questions continue and it ends up coming out. But i wonder when the babies get older and can understand , how i will handle this. They don't need to hear 100 times a day (exa.) that they are adopted. i did ask that question on the forum and one answer that stuck in my head was that when they are not in their double stroller all the time and perhaps become different sizes then it won't be as much of an issue. Sometimes i enjoy the attention, it is amazing how many people we meet this way and everyone loves the babies and the story!!!!!!! It is nice to be able to relate to others on this board

[Howdy]

It would be nice to hear from grownups who used to be kids in that situation. If kids know they are siblings by adoption instead of by birth, will hearing it over and over make them feel less as siblings, or will they just feel conspicuous? Are kids more concerned than their parents about biological connections? It seems like a no-win situation, if you respond to people that they are twins will the children interpret that (when they are old enough to think about it) to mean you think the truth is a shameful secret, that there is something wrong about the connection they really have? And if you respond that they are siblings now but aren't biologically siblings, will that make the children feel like they must be missing some vital element of siblinghood?
And how much of the issue is our own unresolved feelings about the biological versus adoption relationship? If adoption is really totally okay to us, why would we feel any worse saying they aren't biological twins than we would feel if asked our kids favorite food? Neither one is anyone's business, but if we are having an emotional reaction to a question, doesn't that mean there are underlying issues we have not totally resolved within ourselves?

A similarly uncomfortable situation is when asked by strangers if you are the grandparent of your child, that gets a lot of mothers very upset, but really, if a woman is biologically old enough to be the child's grandparent, why is the question so offensive? Probably because of our own issues about age, since even grandmothers sometimes don't want to be known to be grandmothers, because of the pervasive agism in our culture I think.

[Ozwald]

Howdy,

You have made some great points! I did actually a few times answer that yes they are twins mainly because I was in a hurry and didn't want to take the time to explain how I am the mother to two kids that look so similar in age that are not twins.... But you are right. I certainly don't want my boys to think that their sibling relationship is any less of a relationship just because they aren't twins... so I really haven't said that yes they are twins since those times. (Funny aside, but my husband and I were at the mall with the boys and someone asked us if they were twins. I answered yes, and John answered no! We just looked at eachother and cracked up!)

I guess I really have to think deep down if I have bio vs adopted related issues. My gut says no, but life is certainly a learning experience so maybe one day I will come to find that I do? I hope not, but I am certainly open to the fact that I probably will need to explore this further.

I do want to say that I think those of us who have adopted two same or similar aged children do seem to get a lot of questions from folks... IMHO more questions than people that have adopted one child receive.

Great thread BTW! Hoping to see more posts.

Jen

[Kimberj71]

Howdy,

I too appreciated your insights. And I've often wondered if it's my own hang up on bio vs. adopted.

What I've come to realize is it's a concern for my children(adopted and bio) and their feelings of belongingness and normalcy within our family. For me, it comes down to the comparison that automatically happens in front of my children when people ask the questions. The first question is : Are ALL of these your kids? Separates all the kids as different from other children due to our family size (not a huge deal as I came from a family of seven as well) Second question: Are they adopted (pointing to the two youngest)? Seperates out two of the five and my concern is once they are old enough to understand makes them feel some how isolated from their older brothers and sister. Are they brother and sister? Seperates and potentially isolates them even further, in someway cheapening their relationship.

I truly believe most of the time this line of questioning is innocent curiosity. But it is the number of times we hear the questions even in a day that concerns me. And it's the lack of a good, honest response that I am comfortable with....without feeling like I'm being rude or snipey.

Thanks so much for the responses everyone! Let's keep em coming!

Kim

[alyssa&avery]

Hey Everyone:

Hope you don't mind me jumping in here, but this topic hits close to home for me too. Alyssa and Avery are less than 2 years apart and are our only children. While I don't get the "are they twins" question, I constantly get the "are they brother and sister" question. I always answer that yes they are. Invariably I then get the "no, I mean are they REALLY brother and sister" question.

If I say that yes they really are brother and sister then they want to know how we managed to adopt siblings or why the birthmom placed two children for adoption.

If I answer, yes they are now but not biologically then I feel like I'm demeaning their bond as siblings.

Like you guys, I'm not opposed to sharing our adoption story or educating people. I do worry how these questions will start to affect them when they're a little older.

It does help to see that others have the same concerns and as IA grows so does awareness. I just want my babies to grow up being proud of who they are and each other.

Thanks for this thread!
Lori

[bethee]

My sister and I are six months apart. I was adopted, and shes the bio daughter of my parents. My parents always said, "They are sisters." and when pressed, would reply, "One of them is adopted, but we can't remember which." Brilliant answer IMO, because it gave enough information without revealing too much.

[mimouse]

Boy does this thread hit home.
My two children are 5 months apart and I get both "are they brother and sister" and "are they twins". Since most of the time I answer one is twelve months old and one is 17 months old it just leaves a look on the persons face. Then I say will last time I checked it takes about 9 months to have a baby. That doesn't always work either.
I am also one who does not want to use the term adopted all the time. They were adopted, now they are my children and they are brother and sister.
I wish there was an easy way to tell people the story since I worry about the fact that if I am always telling people "they are now" I am worried that the kids will get some kind of negative feelings about being brother and sister. I guess I could always joke and tell them when they get older they legally could get married (ha, Ha)

[Kellster]

This is just my opinion, but to me, once they join your family, they ARE siblings, just like you ARE their mom. Their biological relationship is no one's business. If someone asks if they are twins, I would simply reply, "no, they are four (or however many) months apart" in a polite, but firm tone that implies that you will not elaborate. People's rudeness will never cease to amaze me...

Kelly