[oceanica]

Is it a big stigma?
I know of a bmom who went through a lot of torture during the adoption process from her family. She was completely sure on her adoption plan. She had the baby and had to stay in the hospital for a few days and they kept pressuring her and calling and coming over till she had to say no guests allowed! They told her she would be punished by god and it wouldve been better to abort the baby. It's not that they wanted the baby they weren't going to adopt him or take care of him themselves. It seems it was the idea of adoption. Bdad signed to give up his rights but then he said a lot of bad things to her too. She really had to withstand a lot in a time that I'm sure was already very difficult. She is very young and she handled the situation with amazing maturity and grace in my opinion. The atty also said it's common in his experience. she said that's how it is in aa families. Is it true?

[bromanchik]

It's been the experience of most of the AA birthmoms I've worked with.

[sbaglio]

From our research before adopting (this is mostly anecdotal, so maybe someone can weigh in with some hard numbers), it appears that many AA emoms end up choosing to parent, or have someone in their family adopt/care for the child.

[Sleeplvr]

I'm AA. It's true. It's okay for kids to be adopted into the family but none are supposed to go out of the family. I've adopted twice and asked each bmom if they were sure and if they wanted to give their family the option of raising their child. In both my kids situations their bmom's hid their pregnancies to avoid family pressure.

[JustPeachy]

I have known aa bmoms from my support groups who have expressed this stigma among their family and community about placing a child. It must be hard, in addition to the general stigma in society, to have the added family pressure. I also worked with a group of aa women who were once discussing adoption, along with a few latina women, and they all agreed that you simply NEVER place a child for adoption outside the family. I was having lunch with them when this conversation came up, but could not bring myself to mention I was a bmom as their feelings were so strong and it seemed they viewed any mother who would "give away" her baby as almost criminal.

I remember reading something once that the way aa people view adoption outside the family has its roots in the history of slavery, where their children were often ripped away from them, never to be seen or heard from again. Also, in aa and latino cultures you often see a greater focus and importance on family. It's not unusual for multiple generations and extended family to live together, even under not-so-ideal circumstances.

[Kat-L]

Maire-Kate's birthmom hid her pregnancy from her family because she said they wouldn't support her adoption plan. She wanted to place a previous baby for adoption and the family gave her so much grief that she kept him. Hanna's birthmom did the same thing. When she found out she was pregnant, she moved out of state until the baby was born so no one would know.

[Vogi2002]

Ditto here to what all the other posters are saying.

It's really sad, and I hate that but I also admire the strong family bond that most AA families have also.

[nickchris]

Very true, while we were iwaiting to be matched, my family (AA) had a hard time grasping why would an expectant mother relinquish their child. It is my experience that informal adoption is normal among Black families, and then formal adoption.. take children in, but to place outside of family/close friends etc; not as widely accepted.

[Momto1human-2furry]

Originally Posted by oceanica

Is it a big stigma?
I know of a bmom who went through a lot of torture during the adoption process from her family. She was completely sure on her adoption plan. She had the baby and had to stay in the hospital for a few days and they kept pressuring her and calling and coming over till she had to say no guests allowed! They told her she would be punished by god and it wouldve been better to abort the baby. It's not that they wanted the baby they weren't going to adopt him or take care of him themselves. It seems it was the idea of adoption. Bdad signed to give up his rights but then he said a lot of bad things to her too. She really had to withstand a lot in a time that I'm sure was already very difficult. She is very young and she handled the situation with amazing maturity and grace in my opinion. The atty also said it's common in his experience. she said that's how it is in aa families. Is it true?

Really? I heard the same about Mexicans. They would give a hard time to the person who wanted to put the child up for adoption if they found out it was happening. Many of them hide their pregnancy too from their family and friends i was told by our case worker.

[Fe2002]

Goodness, this is so sad, but so very true. My DD's bmom hid her preganancy. No one in her family knows about her adoption plan with the exception of the bfather.

I even find this attitude in my own family. My sister "can't understand how a woman can give her baby away". All said with her nose turned up, complete with a shudder. Well, I put an end to that in a heartbeat. What you say behind my back is one thing, but I suggest you think twice before uttering such things to my face or in the presence of my DD.

Prior to my placement I had a failed match. The bmom decided to parent after her family showed up to the hospital with a car seat and promises to help her raise the baby. I wonder sometimes about her and if her family stuck to their promises. She had been so adamant about her adoption plans.

IMO, this attitude stinks in the AA community and is a large part of the reason why there are so many AA kids in foster care.

[KBsMom]

My DD's birthmom also hid her pregnancy too.

[mommmmy]

My daughter's birthmom had a lot of pressure on her from her family. They actually really loved us but when it came to not long before the baby was born and then in the hospital they were really bad towards her. Her cousin was to be her support person and she bailed saying she just couldn't deal with it. They were telling her they would buy things and all sorts of other things.

She was parenting another child at the time and they had lived in a shelter when she got pregnant with my daughter. She said look - you all didn't do anything to help us before..what makes you think I can depend on you now? She wanted the best for her children and it was tough for her to go against the family but she continues to say it's the best thing that she could have done.

I don't know...I guess I think it's a good thing if the families truly are supportive and helpful with the children...but often times that's not the case. However, often times it is. It's just the way it is - if someone can't care for a child then someone else in the family takes them in...no question.

I don't think this is only within the AA communities. I see it in other ethnicities too. I know that in my family it was always an unspoken thing....children don't leave the family.