[adopting_again]

When we started looking into our first adoption, we lived in a neighborhood near a police officer and every single thing we heard about the black kids up the street in the apartment complex was how bad they/their parents were, we did not feel comfortable bringing home a child of full AA descent merely because we didn't want to go up against that stigma in that neighborhood. We are in a less biased area now and that may not be such a big problem here, however, if my husband and I are not in agreement about that, then we need to go with the less concerning thing. He says that he prefers a biracial baby over full AA, so therefore, with his comfort level, we need to do that. I couldn't in good conscience bring a full AA baby home if I didn't know that my husband would embrace him immediately as our own. That would be unfair to both of them, and to me and my son, and my daughter as well. Additionally, our daughter is BR and he feels that she would be comforted by having BR sisters/brothers since she's in a white family. I don't feel like we're wrong for making the choice the way we are, I feel like we're doing the best thing for our family, so whether it angers you or not, I stand by our family's decisions. I truly feel bad for those babies who are not chosen for fear of the repercussions, but how could we defend him/her if we're not ready to make that decision and stand by it. Wouldn't that be a greater travesty than not taking them home? Yes, it's a prejudice, and maybe one day we'll be past that, but right now, how can we do that to a child!?! At least we're aware of it in ourselves and aren't going to make life harder for that baby. And no, it's not about having color attached to our name or anything other than a concern for 100% love towards our child and an ability to help them fight when needed and understand what they need to about their lives.

[Vogi2002]

First off - I am NOT flaming anyone, nor does anyone have to justify themselves to me.

I have to agree with Karyn. My dh told me he would only accept a BR child and I told him NO. That we were either open to everything, or just CC. Then I asked him questions...and we talked and talked, and it was his decision to be open to AA, and he was FULLY prepared. He had to face some pretty hard racist feelings he had (growing up in a all white community can do that to you) but he was truley prepared. SO I do understand not doing anything you aren't comfortable with.

That being said I also understand that there is a lot of people (not you all in particular, just in general) that feel like they can be open to BR but not AA because of thier looks mainly. Isn't that the root of racism? Isn't that in and of itself what we have to teach our children NOT to do? I mean...you are going to stand out no matter what...you will face MUCH racism (maybe sometimes more...it's not accepted as much as you would think). So...I just don't understand the concept of thinking. And as another person said...they aren't going to share your race anyways as a CC person unless they are german / english / etc. Is there really a "CC" heritage? I mean...it's like the fact that they are "1/2 white" makes it okay. Were you open to full Hispanic or asian or just biracial?

THAT is where I have issues, if you are open to full CC, Hispanic, Asian, etc but ONLY open to BR. What is the difference between full Hispanic and full AA? You don't share a race with full Hispanic either....

*sigh* of course the world is made that way...sadly the darker your skin tone the less worthy you are in society's eyes. BUT becoming a transracial family, even with just a 1/4 AA or another race, you will have to learn to not care about society...because they can be cruel sometimes.

Now, the fact is I don't have to get it, the decision is not mine. You have to be comfortable with it and you only. So please don't think I'm flaming.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

I fear that in saying we are "adopting transracially", we are pitting CC against all else, and this is a bit prejudiced in itself, in my opinion, as if the standard race one should look to for comparisons is CC.

When you say you are adopting transracially, it has nothing to do with what race the parents are vs the children, it just means that the people involved are of more than one race. It doesn't have anything to do with the child being AA specifically...that is just something that happens often. My Aunt adopted transracially. She is CC and her children are Korean. AA parents could adopt from Russia and it would be a transracial adoption. I don't think transracial is about a comparison to anything, it's just an adjective that describes anything that involves more than one race. You could have a transracial classroom for example. It's just an adjective and in my opinion a good one. It specifically shows respect to everyone by acknowledging they are not the same race. Ignoring race by being color blind and not stating that it is transracial is considered the "new" racism by many. Acknowledging differences with positive terms like transracial is a great thing.

[fastaff]

Interesting thread...we all have preferences and that is exactly what it is a preference. My husband and I are a AA couple open to adopting an AA/BR infant. Why BR and not CC or Hispanic etc? Well for US, it is important to have a child that is at least part of who we are; looks wise and heritage. Does that make me racist? I don't think so...the world has so many problems I do not want my child to take on the issues of the world and their color problems by standing out so much from who we are as parents. Being AA I know the issues we face growing up, I have faced those with integrity and have always felt proud of who I am. There are enough issues waiting for my child as he/she grows, I don't want to add to them if I don't have to....but that is just me....I don't condemn or coomend people that do adopt a child of a different ethnicity, that is their business and preference. I just love to see happy families whatever the makeup....

[adopting_again]

I keep debating over whether to continue posting on this thread where those who are supposed to be supporting one another are attempting to tear one another down. I totally understand that "one drop of black blood" makes our child black, I'm not concerned based on looks, I don't care if black blood makes our family a family of color. I would accept any baby into our family, but I am not 100% off the decision-making process in our family. The fact of the matter is this, our choice is our choice and if it makes my husband more comfortable to parent a child with a white birthmom than that's our business. I, in fact, believe that it will be harder to raise our br child b/c she can not identify with a specific race (and we don't even know her bf heritage), so we're largely going to be playing a guessing game finding her a familiar place and people who identify with her. If our next child is darker or lighter than our first, so be it...it's not like that's the problem. At least we understand our comfort level.

Vogi (and others) I do applaud that you and your husband were able to come to a decision of anything goes or nothing at all, that's a wonderful place to be. But some of us take longer to get there, if ever at all. It reminds me of the book I just finished reading that outlined the stages of racism, I do know that I'm further along than my husband, if even in just understanding my own shortcomings. I do hope that one day he's accepting to it, pray for that if you please, but I will not force his acceptance, he needs to come to that on his own.

[fastaff]

adopting again, I totally get what you are saying, I feel the same way, the fact that I'm AA, I still have the same feelings as you..(you just said it better!!!)

Thanks

[sbaglio]

Perhaps I didn't express myself fully. I agree that the term "transracial" is a good one, and realize that this does not refer only to AA children. Often on this forum, we speak of transracial in reference to AA/CC children, though of course, this is not the only definition of biracial.

But what is "trans-" about it if it does not involve a comparison (for want of a better word) between the parents and the children? If everyone involved is the same race, this isn't transracial. I don't think it has to do with culture either. I'm of African origin, and am not AA - my adopting an AA child would not be considered transracial either (it would be transcultural, perhaps). So I'm uncertain what you mean when you say that adopting transracially has nothing to do with race of the parents vs that of the children.

When I mentioned that it felt like comparisons were being made between CC and all other races, I was referring to the sense I get that choosing to adopt a non-CC child compels one to be open to ALL other races, rather than to the children that one feels comfortable parenting. My perception may be wrong, I don't know. AA is hardly ever used as the standard in these discussions, nor is Hispanic (i.e. Hispanic vs non-Hispanic children, or AA vs non-AA children).

I'm not Caucasian, but I can understand that one would want to have some part of one's race in one's adopted child, regardless of one's race or ethnicity. That holds true even if CC is the majority in this society. I don't believe that that is racist, it just is. I think that it's unfair to assume that one is looking for European looks and hair in such a child if biracial children are desired. That may be the reason, and may not be as well. Perhaps such CC parents, just like my spouse and I looking to adopt an AA/CC child, are searching for part of their own ethnicity in the children they hope to adopt.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by adopting_again

Vogi (and others) I do applaud that you and your husband were able to come to a decision of anything goes or nothing at all, that's a wonderful place to be. But some of us take longer to get there, if ever at all. It reminds me of the book I just finished reading that outlined the stages of racism, I do know that I'm further along than my husband, if even in just understanding my own shortcomings. I do hope that one day he's accepting to it, pray for that if you please, but I will not force his acceptance, he needs to come to that on his own.

I do understand, believe me, if my dh had not been comfortable we would be in the same position. Please don't think we aren't supporting you, we are simply stating another side to things. Support comes in all forms, sometimes it's agreeing, sometimes it's showing another side to things.

[adopt2010]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

I do understand, believe me, if my dh had not been comfortable we would be in the same position. Please don't think we aren't supporting you, we are simply stating another side to things. Support comes in all forms, sometimes it's agreeing, sometimes it's showing another side to things.

Vogi2002, I totally agree with you!

As an AA woman I never understood why couples were willing to accept a BR child but not an AA (which is your right to choose what's best for your family). I truly wanted to get some insight as to why couples make those decisions. I believe this thread has really allowed us all to have an open dialogue.

[KarynB]

Fastaff - I think the point here is that if you were willing to accept a baby that was half-Hispanic but not full.

I DO understand couples wanting to adopt a baby that is the same background/race/ethnic match for them - not everyone wants to stand out or is comfortable with being a transracially adoptive family. That is a decision we all have to come to, and live with for the rest of our lives. What I see as the issue here is that I don't understand how it could be ok to raise a child that is "half black" but not full.

And yes, I also agree that both parents have to be comfortable with the child that is being raised - I guess I just can't get my head around how someone could be "ok" with a biracial baby and not a black baby. But I guess that is my problem, not yours! (-:

And I don't mean to flame anyone or criticize, but I also agree that sometimes we NEED to be questioned, and I don't think forums are meant for everyone to just agree 100% on what everyone else is doing - if it was, what the heck would be the point? As long as the counter-points are said respectfully, then I don't see a problem.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by adopting_again

The fact of the matter is this, our choice is our choice and if it makes my husband more comfortable to parent a child with a white birthmom than that's our business.

Just curious...would your husband not be okay with a baby that has a black mother and a white father?

I DO believe your choice is your choice...but I also believe it's important to explore WHY those choices are made...because if it's a stigma toward full AA than it will also be a stigma toward a BR baby.

It may also be sensitive to those of us who have full AA children because I hope to help in breaking down the barrier that makes society think more of a BR person or the lighter the skin and more "white" you look the better. I hate that about our society. It's not that I think you or your dh specifically is being racist...but I just see SO MANY other people choosing BR only because the child is "a little white" and they think it will look more like them. I don't think that's okay. In my opinion only, I am not even sure that the person in that specific case would be prepared to raise a br child, because that "BLACK" stigma is still there.

Sorry, these are just my opinions. Again, I may not be talking about any of you specifically, it's just that I see it so often, it makes me cringe when I hear it. I actually had a lady tell me that they would accept a 1/3 and below AA child. It's like they will "forgive" the child for being AA, or they can somehow look PAST it if they aren't FULL. THAT is the HUGE stigma I see. They should CELEBRATE that they are part of such a dynamic, full of life, family oriented, historically rick culture!!!

[ocracoke]

As I write this, please understand that I am not intentionally criticizing anybody's choice in the child they prefer to raise. I chose to adopt a girl. I chose to adopt a toddler. I chose to adopt from Ethiopia. I made choices and I respect other people's choices in this process. However, I would appreciate some enlightenment from those who only prefer cc or biracial children. I am white, as is most of my family (I have one cousin adopted from Korea). Half of my family is jewish and the other half christian. My daughter adopted from Ethiopia is the first child in her generation. She is actually quite dark (especially in the summers). My sister gave birth to a biracial daughter (father is AA) just 6 months after my daughter arrived home from Ethiopia. I know and understand that my neice is biracial. She is obviously lighter skinned then my daughter is. My sister makes a point of telling me her daughter is biracial and not full AA. She makes a point in saying that her daughter's hair is different in my daughter's hair (and it is but my daughter's was just like hers at her age). She seems to have the need to separate the biracial from the AA. Not sure why. But I was thinking about it in terms of long term the other day. The reality is that most biracial children will grow up and be viewed (correctly or incorrectly) as AA by the cc community most times. Most white people don't look at a light skinned AA person and think "S/he is biracial," we still just think they are AA. Now that I have a daughter who is Ethiopian I see the differences. I can pick out most biracial children, AA children, and Ethiopian children. Because I worked in a community that was mostly hispanic, I can pick out Peurto Ricans v. Dominicans v. Guatemalan. Because I have virtually no experience in the Asian community I can not tell the difference between Korean, Vietnam, China, Japan. So it just leads me back to asking -- why is biracial okay when AA is not. Again, this is not a judgment but an opportunity for me to understand better.

Samantha

[loveajax]

Honestly, what I don't understand is this sort of "belief" that people that adopt biracial children are somehow prejudiced against black people. I frankly find that insulting. I don't mean to be defensive, but I A) did not get a "discount" for adopting a biracial child (though frankly, if we adopt again, I would look into cheaper programs), B) we did not decide to adopt a biracial child to get a faster placement and C) we actually turned down two matches - - one of a "fully" cauc child and one of a child who was half latina/half cauc. The "undertone" of the questioning here is that people that adopt biracial children or choose to don't "value" AA children as much. I just have to disagree, though I can understand the need to question it, especially if you have been put in situations (like you mention Ocracoke) where you are made to feel that biracial is "better" than AA.

The other "assumption" is that because SOCIETY will see these children as black only, than we as parents have to accept that. I don't. It's different...in some ways, it's harder. As I mentioned, I have a best friend who is biracial. I also have a biracial cousin. I felt like my child would "benefit" from having those "role models" to look up to. I know that many biracial kids don't necessarily want to be "viewed" as either black or white or both. Why is that a bad thing that I thought that with the people in my life, I was better equipped to understand some of those feelings?

Finally, although I certainly didn't know it at the time of the match, my DD, DH and I all share an Irish heritage. It really is not that big a deal to me, but I can tell you when I went to Ireland, it felt like "coming home" -- I was really moved by that experience. I loved dressing DD (whose birth name btw is about as "irish" as you can get) up in her green kilt and jacket for St. Patrick's day last year. It is something that I "enjoy" sharing with her. I personally don't think there is anything "wrong" with that.

The other thing that I find insulting is the assumption that parents of biracial children are trying to "bury" that the fact that they are black. Believe me, it would be "easy" for me to do so....but I am very cognizant of "passing" issues and work very hard for DD to know and be proud of the fact that she is black.

The other reality is that when I chose to adopt, I honestly did not know what it meant to be A PARENT, let alone the parent of a black child, etc. There WAS some comfort level at that time in thinking that DD's birth mom and I were both white. Again, that was how I felt. I came to adoption from a history of loss, and when we matched with DD, something just seemed "right" about it. One of the reasons I am glad that we are in an OA with DD's birth parents is because I want her always to know and appreciate that her birth dad is black and so is she. She is a beautiful little girl who maybe no less than 50 (30? 20?) years ago may not have "existed" because black and white people were not supposed to "mix," let alone date.

I am glad that I made the decisions I made. I think it's sad if people aren't supporting others who ALSO are parenting black children just because they don't understand the decisions they came to in building their families.

[Vogi2002]

Love - I don't think we aren't supporting others, we just want a better understanding. Asking and exploring is not "not supporting". Rather we ARE supporting people...by opening thier hearts and minds. I get sick of agencies "imploring people" to be open to all races...like they are begging. And people being open to all races, but the "best case" would be a CC baby. I see it so much, from so many people (mostly outside this forum) that it just makes my heart break.

Your decision to only be open to BR is very different than many others who chose BR and not AA. It's because you have BR children & adults in your family, you SPECIFICALLY chose ONLY BR.

I think many of us (and you must admit that you have seen people that do this) have seen people be "willing" to accept a BR placement...but definetely not AA, and only as a last resort. I think for some, it IS only about sharing a comfort level because the child has some of "thier" race in them, or maybe dealing with a "white" family is important to you. I don't think that because society views an BR child as AA, you should too....that would be insulting.

As a matter of fact I believe that parenting a BR child is a very specific kind of parenting. It shouldn't be jumbled up with CC, or AA. This is why I find it insulting when SOME (again not all) parents are "open" to BR but don't FULLY explore why a full AA child makes them uncomfortable. I am NOT just talking about CC parents either, if an AA parent is open to BR child but not full CC they TOO need to explore why. Because they too will still have to teach thier child thier CC heritage.

Many people feel they can be open to BR but haven't truley dealt with having a AA / BR child my husband was one of them. This is EXACTLY how he felt. Then he had to figure out why...turns out its because he had still had some stigmas and thought a bR child would be "less so AA". I'm SO glad he got over them, but if he hadn't I would NOT be comfortable with taking a placement of a BR child. I'm not saying you have to be open to full AA, just be sure to truley explore WHY full AA makes you uncomfortable. It might be (like in love's case) something not so racist, but rather simply a choice, not better or worse.

But you might find out (like my dh did) that there is some deeper reasons, and if there is ANY chance that this is true I would TRUELY hope that these reasons would be explored, figured out, and resolved, BEFORE putting that BR option on there.

I will tell you that if they aren't resolved (if deeper issues are there), they will come out in life. I mean, what happens if the child dates a FULL AA man and then they have in-laws that are full AA? Does that make you uncomfortable? If so...I would implore you to explore why...and get over them, for your child's sake.

[musemoon]

My daughter is biracial AA/Latino. I just met with my social worker and I am going to be back on the list soon for a new baby. I told her that I was open to any race, but wanted AA or AA/?? However, I have to admit I would prefer mixed race. Not because of looks, cause if you see my beautiful daughter she looks almost full AA. No, it is because I love raising kids of mixed heritage. I want to blend as many cultures into our family as I can. Most of my kiddos friends are mixed race, so being mixed race in our family is the norm. I did put my name on the list for any child (also my kiddo will be drug exposed) but prefered AA/??, AA and really did not want to be considered for a CC child (and I am CC). To be honest for me and my family, I would have an EQUAL adjustment period to being placed with a full CC full AA or full Asian child. I just prefer to raise children of mixed heritage. BUT that being said the adjustment that I am speaking of is much like the one that a person would have if they knew they were having a girl because that's what the ultrasound said and then gave birth to a boy. As soon as you see your amazing kiddo's face all that "adjustment" goes out the window and you just hunker down to loving your kid.