[Candace]

My dh and I have chosen our agency and seem to be on the track toward adopting an AA or biracial child. This will be our second adoption; we have an Hispanic daughter we adopted when she was a little over a year old. We are happy and excited about our decision, as are most of our friends and family-all except my mother. She is a widow in her mid 70's and is an even bigger bigot than Archie Bunker ever was. I'm ashamed to even mention some of the comments she has made about African Americans. I've tried talking to her about her attitudes, confronting her, educating her, etc., and all I've wound up doing is making her defensive and hostile. She knows my husband and I are trying to adopt an AA or biracial child, and she is not happy about it at all-says she disagrees with our decision, has a right to her opinion, won't be seen with me at Wal-Mart once we adopt our child, and on and on.

My dh and I refuse to let the ignorant ideas and attitudes of one family member dissuade us. We have thought and prayed and researched the implications of adopting transracially, and we are certain we want to go forward. But I am wondering what I can do to help my mother deal with this situation, since she obviously is so uncomfortable and apparently threatened. Believe me, I know that if things get too bad, our children come first, and our first allegiance is to protecting them and making them feel loved, no matter how much I love my mother. Maybe I'm hanging on to a ridiculous dream of us all being one big happy extended family someday, I don't know. I just could really, really, use some ideas about how any of you would handle this situation with such a bigoted family member.
Thanks and God bless,
Candace

[spaypets]

Proceed with this adoption and cease contact with your mother or decide not to choose to adopt transracially.

What you shouldn't do is obligate a child to be a member of a family where his grandmother is overtly hostile.

You need to take your mother at your word. If she will refuse to be in public with your child then you shouldn't have a relationship with her. She is telling you that she won't accept it and it is naive to assume that will change once she meets the child.

I, for one, wouldn't risk a child's happiness and well-being on the off chance that a leopard will change its spots. I'm sorry, I know that is difficult to hear, but you need to realize that your mother doesn't want to change and it's naive to think she will.

[Cheryl62]

I agree with Spaypets. IMO, these kinds of prejudice are very hard to change - and even more so after a certain age, I think. It sounds like your Mom has put you on notice that she has no intention of even trying. I think you should take her at her word.

My husband is Asian. I never sensed any bad feelings about it while we were dating or getting married. Came as quite a shock when my fundamentalist Christian mom suggested I consider having an abortion when we excitedly announced we were expecting a baby a few months after our wedding. 8 years and 2 children later, her face still freezes when someone comments on how her granddaughter looks like a little Japanese doll. And while she adores my daughters from my first marriage (to a Caucasian), my two younger kids are clearly an embarrassment.

I would have married my husband in spite of her views. And it wouldn't have stopped our decision to have children together, even if I had seen it coming. But if I had a choice of choosing whether to accept a placement of a child from an ethnicity that would undoubtedly cause a rupture in the family, I think I'd have to give it a lot of thought. Not to reward someone's prejudice. But because I'd want my child to have the most supportive family environment possible.

My mother's reaction has led us to drastically change our relationship with her in order to protect the feelings of our younger children, who are now old enough to understand what is going on, and this has meant strain between me and my mother, and some loss of contact between my older girls and their grandmother. It's unfortunate, and very painful at times for me as her daughter to see her in that light, but it's not something I can do much about. The kids come first.

One thing I have learned is that while we can change ourselves, we cannot change others, particularly if they don't think they need/want to change.

I wish you and your family the very, very best, with whatever you decide.

[Candace]

Thank you for your advice, and know that I understand completely the choice my husband and I will have to make.

I should have clarified in my first post that my mother is a very domineering, manipulative person and not always the kindest person. In my lifetime, I have had much verbal abuse from her whenever I made a decision that ran contrary to her wishes. I have been told by numerous people, from friends to psychologists, that I need to set firm boundaries in my relationship with her in order to prove that I am my own person and that she cannot control my life. She was dead set against the adoption of our Latino daughter, and my dh and I endured her criticism and threats for over a year until we brought our daughter home-then she did an abrupt about-face and adores our daughter-when she isn't commenting on how "I guess she isn't that dark." I'm doubtful, however, that she will be quite so "forgiving" when we bring home our second adopted child. And I am ready to take whatever steps I have to to ensure that our children are protected from her attitudes. We have lots of other relatives and friends who are eager to love our child, no matter what her skin color is.

[leannh]

hi candace,
my parents are Exactly like your mother. before we adotped i had So many problems with them using racial slurs in front of of my son. he is CC, and i havent and DOnt want him raised like that. i fought them for Years. we actually had a Big blow out 3 Chirstmas' ago after going on a family cruise and being stuck on a boat with them while they made fun of Every race there including the staff and treating them like Crap. we didnt speak for a full year. the following Christmas, they ask to see my son and after our blow out i thought for sure they would watch thier mouths. NOT. they took my son(now 14) and when he returned, i asked him how it went and he told me about a discussion they had regarding his choice of music and the 'people' who sing it, using racial slurs. i was ENRAGED! and vowed they would never see him again. the following Christmas, (last) they asked to see him again. i wrote a LOOOOng letter about how they had violated my trust and done Exactly what i had been fighting against my whole life. i explained that we were waiting to adopt and that there was a chance that our new child would BE one of those races they were so freely degrading. and that IF they could promise me that they would refrain from the hatred, they could see my son. BUT that i would be asking him what they said and if i heard Anything i didnt like they would Never see him again. guess what??? they chose Not to see him! Imagine that, they chose their racism over their grandson. i Finally knew that they would Never change and didnt even want to. well in march we got our DD and she is AA/CC. my mother has come to see her once, when she was weeks old for about 30 min and she was on Very good behavior, but it was Very uncomfortable. She/they will Never be allowed the chance to damage our daughter in that way.
my looong point here is, your mother will not change, my guess is that she doesnt want to and there is nothing you can do about it. go and live your life with your children, find as many Loving people as you can to be in their lives and leave her behind. there is enough hatred in the world you dont need to have your family bringing it into your home.

[redhedded]

I have little to add, as I agree entirely with Spaypets. This is dangerous ground to tread. I believe firmly that one cannot "just hope for the best" or "hope that the first sight of your child's face will change a lifetime of hatred and bigotry." I don't think that happens often. Further, what may sometimes happen is a separation of person from race/ethnicity; the message may be subtly relayed that you are different therefore okay, which does not provide a climate for strength, cultural pride and self identity. I think the decision NOT to permit your mother's vile attitude and negative energy into your child's life must be made prior to the arrival, unless a huge personal journey of transformation occurs. An environment filled with criticism and inferiority is not one that a child (or anyone) should have to endure.

As I am sure that you know, comments about your daughter such as, "she is not that dark" are permanently damaging to a child's self esteem and strength. I commend you for your honesty and examination of your family dynamics. Like you said, family is not those to whom you are related; it is rather those that love you, support you, give you strength and encourage you. It sounds as though your child will have lots of people to provide unconditional love, support and encouragement. I wish you well in your journey.

[RKT64]

I too agree that you need to make a choice - initially. I was faced with a similar situation when I started fostering AA children. My partner and I had decided that as important as our own birth families were, that it was more important for us to continue fostering and eventually adopt children of any race. Remarks such as "...well I guess she isn't that dark" can be very damaging to a child's self-esteem. We chose to have little contact with those family members who couldn't accept "our" children. Eventually I discovered that my family was extremely ignorant regarding other races/cultures and never really knew any AA people (hard to beleive in Det, MI). They were basing all of their information on things that they had heard their parent/grandparents say years ago.

One day my mom "dropped by" to pick something up from my house and I turned around to see her holding my 5 week old AA fs. She began to cry and said, "Oh, my gosh - he's just a baby." She truely had a enlightening experience and is now the favorite grandma of my 6 AA adopted children. She has actually helped to teach some of our other family members that "children are children." Now we only have one family member who doesn't accept our kids - we haven't seen her in 6 years - our choice in order to protect our children.

I wish you comfort in whichever decision that you make and hope & pray that your mom will one day discover that a child is a child.

Rhonda
Mom of J-7, T-7, A-6, A-3, E-2, A-1, C-5mos

[AnnaNCalif]

I agree with some of the other respondents, that you must move ahead with your husband to adopt the child of YOUR choice. How sad that some family members cannot see beyond the color of a child's skin - and give up the ability to LOVE.

When I married my AA husband almost 20 years ago, my step-mom who raised me had never met him. My dad had passed away 5 years before.. and altho my mom was a good Christian woman.. she had been raised in the South - so some of her thoughts we knew did not support inter-racial marriage. (altho she was never racially verbally abusive) What I did 20 years ago was to write her a letter - she lived about 100 miles away - letting her know about our impending wedding and giving her the option to attend or not attend. My mind was not going to be changed.. and IF she wanted to participate, she would be welcomed with open arms, and IF she decided not to come - then I would respect her wishes. Well until I walked down the aisle I did not know that she was there, in the front row wearing the corsage I had waiting for her in the front of the church!

And at the age of 74 she did change! At the birth of each of our 3 children - she was there and spent at least a week at our home, giving them their first baths! (I wasn't allowed to bathe them until Nana had bathed them first! lol) She sewed for my children, remembered every birthday, Christmas, holiday - my children grew up loving to go to Nana's house for the swim parties, the frozen bananas & ice cream cones she'd always have waiting! She had no problem taking them to McDonald's or going to Knott's Berry Farm with them and showing off their photos to her friends.

My step-sister married a Hispanic man with children, another niece married and has 4 AA bi-racial children... we have a very wonderful and colorful family! Our biggest sadness was 2 months ago, when we laid our 92 year old Nana to rest - but we all remembered the joy she brought our family - and what some thought was the biggest miracle of all - the ability for a gracious 'southern' woman to make one of the biggest turnarounds - to love my husband and our children! My children have indeed been blessed to know their Nana and all the love she showed them! The loss will definitely be any family member who is incapable of loving the innocent. And your family will be blessed for your love and joy that you will share with them for a lifetime. God Bless!!

[bellazmama]

My MIL turned out to be a closet racist. She is a social worker for DHS and one of her jobs is to oversee placement of foster children. VERY scary stuff. After we picked Bella up, her first question was "What color is she?" She also spent a lot of time fretting and complaining about the "loss of her blue-eyed, blonde-haired grandchild she'll never have." Of course, she totally blames all this on me. Sheesh!!!!


We finally told her she would have to fo with us to counseling for a few sessions before we would spend ANY time with her again. We were making good on that threat, and she finally agreed to the counseling. Things have been much better since! It's amazing how much it helped to get all those HUGE white elephants into the middle of the room and knock them off one-by-one.

I HIGHLY recommend couinseling before you go any further. It will take a LOT of waiting, but it is SOOOOO worth it!

Best of luck!

Sarah

[adoptedMichael]

We have not faced open racism in our family, but have had worries about it. When Michael was a baby, my half-sisters asked me if I was going to braid his hair. They were 14 years old and adored him. Michael is bi-racial (African American and caucasian), and at that time, his hair seemed mostly straight, so I didn't know what to say. Now it's very curly, BTW. At any rate, my stepmother said in response to her daughters, "Oh that would make him look so ethnic." I sickened at the thought that she might be prejudiced. But it wasn't going to change our decision even though placement had not yet occured. But in the back of my mind, I recall thinking, "well, his heritage is also African American, and so, SO what?!" That was almost 4 years ago, and my stepmother has come around nicely. Now she adores his hair, no matter what we do with it! No one else in my family has shown any signs of prejudice; however, my sister's in-laws have their ideas. We decided that we would endure their physical presence at birthday parties held at my sister's house, but should they ever make a comment, we are out of there! Our first committment is to our son, and to no one else... even extended family.

I have to include a photo of my sweetie, so please bear with me...

[AnnaNCalif]

Gayle - your Michael is ADORABLE! Love his hair! Funny thing with my bi-racial children is the oldest has black curlier hair, but at 18 now straightens and highlights it! The 16 year old has long wavy dark brown hair. And both girls complain about their 13 year old brother - 'Why did he get the good hair? He's a boy!' His hair is very straight and very black unless it gets long and then has a tendency to slightly curl at the ends -- loose curls ! LOL (My AA husband also has American Indian &Chinese in his background so another reason perhaps we have such diversity in our children's hair!!)

And when they get older and want more choices, the best relaxer their 28 year old bi-racial half sister has recommended for us in CA is: Robert Cromean's Salon's hair relaxer. Doesn't burn and works the best on their curly hair. Altho I have told my girls they have the best of both worlds. They can let it go curly/wavy when they want...and blow dry/straighten it when they want a different look!!!

As long as your child is able to love themself and all the little things that make up who they are - including their hair, their skin color, their talents, their strengths -- and knowing how much they are LOVED - that's what makes them special!

[adoptedMichael]

Thanks Anna!

Actually, Michael's bmom has 2 bi-racial children herself, and she commented when she saw Michael (older than an infant) that she was surprised how curly his hair was. She said her 2 boys' hair was a mystery to her, what to do with it. She is caucasian. She said for a long time, their hair was both straight (some hairs) and curly (the other hairs). When the oldest of them was a teenager, he wanted to grow his hair long, to which she agreed, out of desperation. It is wavy, I understand, and looks great now. I have not seen him since the time he was a baby though, so I have to take her word for it.

A question: I've heard that straightening the hair is supposed to make it permanent. This was told to my sister by her (African American) next-door neighbors. Is this not necessarily true?

[frances93]

But I am wondering what I can do to help my mother deal with this situation, since she obviously is so uncomfortable and apparently threatened.

There is nothing you can do. If as you say your mother is worse than Archie Bunker then you will always have to deal with this behavior - and no amount of education, explanation or anything is going to change her ignorant (lack of knowledge) comments and beliefs.

You would do best to ignore her and raise your precious darlings.

[AnnaNCalif]

No straightening it will NOT make it permanent.
Just ask yourself...when I get a perm does my hair then begin to grow in curly? LOL... i think not! And if that's the case... then wouldn't it be true for all AA people? My sisters in law sure do keep using products on their hair!!

My middle daughter has the thickest hair of all the kids... and the Robt Cromean relaxers will usually last a good 6 months. You can definitely see the 'wave' as her new hair grows in. She's had it done a few times now... so the previously straightened hair does NOT need as much relaxer on it. What's nice is that she can just wash and wear it .. with it being a nice relaxed wave. And when she wants it straighter she uses her Hot Tools straightener and it looks like glass! One of her friends was walking behind her one day at school, not recognizing her. When Bethany turned around her friend told her... 'I was wondering who that Asian girl was.." They both laughed! ... silly girls!

All of my babies had straight hair at birth. My firstborn looked very Asian (probably the chinese)... and the first pediatrician to examine her, had not met my husband yet. He asked if my husband was Asian and i told him no, he was black. He then proceeded to tell, 'Oh uh. well you know she's going to get darker'. Really, Einstein??? LOL

Baby #2 also had straight hair at birth, but got jaundice so had a yellowish tint to her skin - definitely made her look more Indian - asked my hubby if that was the Seminole showing thru??

The girls got curlier hair by 1 year... big loose curls ... which was easy to take care of in pony & pig tails, just wet, twist and voila! but Jesse kept his straight hair - even at 13! A few years ago he wanted his hair cut super short ... I figured as it began to grow out it'd stand up all over .. but nope.. just laid down flat like a cap on his head! Now he has to use that gooey stuff .. when he wants it to stand up a bit! He prefers to keep it very short... doesn't like the big full head of hair - unlike his cousin who has a long thick curly mass!!

[adoptedMichael]

Thanks again Anna. It didn't make sense to me that new growth wouldn't come in as nature had intended. (Wish my roots didn't show as bad as they do though! ) Guess that's good to keep in mind, for later.