[Tania]

Hi! I am new to this forum. So if I don't get my abbreviations right or say something really dumb or naive or offensive, I apolgize in advance! My husband and I have a 4 month old bio baby girl but are already thinking about adoption because we would like to build our family in this way. We are not sure if we are going to go international or domestic. We are interested in adopting an AA baby and are both C., but I would love to be given any advice or references to resources that would be helpful. (books for C adoptive parents of AA babies??) My biggest concern is teaching the AA baby about her heritage. I feel completely uneducated in this matter and a little nervous because our suburb is mostly white and hispanic. Some people have mentioned providing aa role models for aa babies, but i don't know how to do that. Any suggestions?? Also, has anyone worked with the agency Journeys of the Heart? It's a non-profit in the Chicago area.

[bellazmama]

Hi there!

There are many resources you can count on for information about transracial adoption.

Please check out these links.

These are two books that are MUST-reads. I have read them both a number of times and find something new each and every time.

http://www.booksamillion.com/ncom/bo...pid=0787952346

http://www.booksamillion.com/ncom/bo...pid=0385471610

This is an article on transracial adoption:

http://www.uoregon.edu/~adoption/archive/KennedyOOS.htm


This is a quote from an article:
"All adopted children have both a culture and a heritage. At the point of adoption, most children will change their culture, but not their heritage. Even a child adopted within the United States is most likely changing from one subset of American culture to another. Moving from a Texan or a Korean foster home may involve just as much "culture shock" when the final destination is a Wisconsin dairy farm.

Adopted children bring to their new family their own heritage. In most cases, their heritage will be different from that of the family. Although children will learn, more or less successfully, the culture of their adoptive family, they cannot unlearn or change their heritage. No matter how well the new community accepts an adopted child, that difference will always remain. No matter how much self-esteem the child has, he or she will always be fighting the stereotypes imposed by his or her heritage. How successfully the child changes others' opinion depends on what the child knows and feels about his or her own heritage.

What is culture?
Culture is what tells you how to live your life. Culture defines what you expect to eat for breakfast, how you address your boss or your teacher, how close to stand to your friends, how to sit in a chair. Culture involves values. Culture tells you whether your family or your job is more important, who would be a good choice for a marriage partner, and how much skin you can decently expose at the swimming pool.

You learn culture by living it. Depending on the values of your culture, you may lose your job because of your dyed purple hair or you may be considered a valued eccentric who brings a fresh whiff of creativity. You can change your culture (with effort) by living in another culture. The older you are, the harder it is to live successfully in a new culture just because you have so many years of cultural education to unlearn.

What is heritage?
Heritage is what belongs to you by virtue of your birth. Heritage includes your genetic background, physical features, and ethnic origin; it includes the history of the people who share those features with you. Heritage consists only of facts, but one's culture may place more or less value on those facts. Whether or not you know or care anything about your heritage, it belongs to you.

Classifying a person solely by heritage is what we call stereotyping. For example, when meeting a Japanese person, there is an almost irresistible urge to assign to that person the characteristics we perceive as "Japanese," such as obedience, industry, interest in computers, and lack of humor. However, if that Japanese person was born and raised in Iowa, he or she might be a lot more interested in corn farming and Saturday Night Live than in electronics or raw fish. Stereotyping unfairly assigns a person a culture based on his or her heritage alone. It's the same as considering a young woman air-headed (culture) based on her genetic heritage (blonde hair).

If you are not teaching your child positive things about his or her heritage, where do you think your child is going to learn them? You can depend on the outside world to tell him everything bad, but the good stuff just doesn't make the headlines. As I learned in a malpractice course recently,

"Good things have to be planned. Bad things happen all by themselves."

Our parental role
What about your child's culture? As adoptive parents, you cannot expect to maintain your child's culture. It is impossible to teach another culture unless you are living it. Every immigrant group in the United States has mourned the loss of cultural values as their children become Americanized. Only very isolated groups such as the Amish are moderately successful in maintaining a culture different than the surrounding community.

As adoptive parents, the best we can hope to do is learn as much as possible about our child's culture. This is not our children's job; we parents have to do it. We may not embrace the values of our child's birth culture, but we can discover what those values are and show our child why those ideas existed in that time and place.

Learning about culture is hard, especially when you don't have somebody from that culture to help you out. Some of the things parents can do are find adult friends, read novels and stories from the culture, attend services of the religion of the culture. Family reunions, religious meetings, and film festivals are where your children will learn what people think and how they act.

Many of us have no access to our child's culture, or we may be too threatened by its values to explore it further. However, as adoptive parents, we are obligated to help our children discover their heritage. If you wait for the media, the kid down the block, the admissions counselor at college, or your child's prospective employer to
"educate" your child, your son or daughter is in for a lot of unhappiness. Find out the good stuff; give your child a foundation of pride so he can refute or ignore the bad stuff that is sure to come later.

Parents can teach heritage at home, but it takes conscious effort and it's work when you first start out. However, you might find yourself absorbed in a completely new hobby, such as my current obsession with fabrics of Asian design. As one of my daughters commented, observing the piles in my sewing room,
'You must be very sad, Mom, because you will never be "Indian!"

Jerri Ann Jenista, M.D., adoptive mother of five, is raising her children in an Italian-Indian-American Catholic single-parent, medically-oriented, cat-dominated culture. "


Please pm me if you want to talk!

Sarah

[Linny]

Sarah:
Thank you for writing all of that. It is very well said, and pretty realistic. We have raised the Asian children in the cornfields of the midwest.....and they have come across those stereotypes. However, I'd like to think that the reason they were able to laugh a lot of it off.......and/or educate the person about what was assumed, is because we tried to familiarize them with what was Asian. Though truly, even though we lived in the Orient for several years....they were very young; and as older children.....they were never as interested as their dad and I in the 'cultural ways'. But, that exposure was there.

Got to add though, that the media portrays---especially the AA community, as being 'one-sided'. Many professional AA people would argue the stereotypes laid out by the media. Especially when people believe that most AA people are good in sports, like rap music, etc. I know of MDs, professors, and professional business people, who might argue that assumption! It is this generalization we will have to guard against for our baby now.

Again, thanks for the writings....and I intend to check on those links too.


Sincerely,

Linny

[angeluv]

I applaud the emphasis on being true to a child's heritage. I am AA and I am not opposed to transracial adoption. I feel a child deserves the love & support of family....period. However, I feel that anyone choosing to adopt a child of a different ethnic background should commit to supporting their child(ren) and being true to the child's heritage (those things that make them different that cannot be changed). I have a personal pet peeve I see often which to me shows a lack of committment on the part of the adoptive/foster parents to embrace an obvious difference in their child's ethnic background. I see this particularly with little AA girls. This may be an unpopular post and perceived to be petty....but here goes.

It disturbs me to see AA little girls whose parents have negated to learn about basic hair care for their AA daughters. Without the appropriate care, typical AA hair, which is extremely curly, can become matted and damaged, thus stunting its growth. I've seen non-AA parents who've had to resort to cutting the child's hair to the length of a closely cropped afro. For an AA girl....this could be a serious blow to her self image/self esteem. Other than hair trims, most little girls don't begin getting their hair "cut"short until their teens. This can end up being one more thing which sets them apart.

My personal opinion is that if the parent finds dealing with the hair issue too difficult to manage on their own, they should seek assistance from AA friends or hair care professionals experienced in the care of AA hair. Self esteem is important regardless of the child's ethnic background. Unfortunately, society has made, particularly girls, overly consumed in body image at a very early age which of course directly ties into the issue of self esteem. As parents, I think it is our responsibility to do our best to build our children's self esteem. If it means learning something about that child's heritage to assist in that process....I think that's what needs to be done! If the shoe was on the other foot, I too would feel responsible for making sure I became well versed on those differences that are pertinent to my child's ethnic background. This is just one difference....there are many more but I chose this example because it is such an obvious difference and one that obviously has to be dealt with on a daily basis. Angeluv

[Tania]

What a tremendous outpouring of support!! Thank you so much for all the informaiton. A great group of people you are!

[bellazmama]

You guys are SO very right about the hair thing. I fully realize that Bella's hair is going to be a BIG deal to her. I've done a lot of research and have come up with some stuff some of you may be interested in.

This is a good book about AA hair:
http://www.booksamillion.com/ncom/bo...pid=0060934875

This is a great site about AA hair and culture:
http://www.africana.com/archive/articles/tt_356.asp

Other AA hair sites:
http://www.blackhairmedia.com/

http://www.ashenatural.com/category.asp?id=142

http://www.ourhair.net/

http://www.napptural.com

I hope these help you guys!

Blessings!
Sarah

[Linny]

I SO agree about the knowledge of hair! I used to teach, and there were two children who had the most awful looking hair....and they were such beautiful kids! I could never understand why their mother didn't do more-----and she was an educator who taught at a local college!

I must have seemed silly asking so many people for suggestions on how to care for our little girl's hair. She was born with TONS of it......and certainly, this was a big deal in getting her used to having me care for it every day!

It took a while.....and a lot of half used bottles of conditioners and oils are in my cabinet.......but I've found a good one, and so far, I have literally received comments from AA people who have passed by, to compliment on how lovely her hair looks. Oh, I believe she is too young to make her sit for involved styles yet; but so far, we put it in (what my generation used to call) pig-tails and sometimes twist in around.

Recently, we ran into another adoptive parent who is versed in CC hair care. I found it sad when it appeared she had cut the baby's hair very short!!!!!!!

Linny

[bellazmama]

I laughed when I read your post about a cabinet full of half-used bottles of hair stuff. I'm with you and Bella's only fifteen months old! What are you using now?
Sarah

[Linny]

Thanks Kelli. I love some of the elaborate stuff that's done to hair.....but, like you, I cannot understand making a baby or toddler or pre-schooler sit still for hours (for example) to do extensions, etc.
Also, I have this 'thing' about extensions too. While I think they can look GORGEOUS on older gals and adults, let me tell you what one gal (CC) said to me when she saw my wee little baby for the first time:

"OH! You'll need to use extensions in HER hair!!!!" (Like it was something awful to have that gorgeous thick, kinky, lush hair!) And I thought, is she saying this because she thinks my baby's hair should be 'white like' (meaning straight, fine in texture, etc?) This upset me....and being CC.......it bothered me even more, and made me even more determined to make sure my little girl enjoys her hair even more!

To answer your question, Sarah...I'm a BIG one for wanting my baby's hair to SMELL great too. There are a lot of potions and oils.....but they gotta SMELL wonderful too! (And I think a lot of them don't smell too great....or not at all.)

So, I use Biosilk by Farouk (hope I spelled it right). I wet her hair down every morning with a spritz bottle, rub the oil in with my fingers, pick/comb it out.....and 'style'. When I wash it once a week---which was one of the hardest things for me to realize, as we wash our hair every day in the shower---------I use a high conditioner shampoo for kids..........towel dry. Then I use Herbal Essence's Intensive conditioner----which is a leave in conditioner. (Yep, I know it's a white hair product.....but after trying a ton of other conditioners.....it doesn't leave a residue like a lot of others.) Once that's in......I use the biosilk.
There is also a product called "Glass" by oh.....I can't remember. It's not as thick.....much lighter in texture.....and doesn't smell as neat.......but it's okay too.

I've used the biosilk from our hairdresser for many months now. Our daughter is 20 months (and I wouldn't even consider cutting that wonderful hair!) The biosilk smells GREAT, and the smell lingers for a lot of the day.

And Kelli.....I learned a lesson with my oldest daughter....who is Korean. I insisted she get her ears pierced when she was in Kindergarten. She couldn't have cared less.....but I was insistent. You know......I could probably count on one hand the times she wore earrings as she got older. She never cared to have the ears pierced. It was 'my thing'....not 'hers'. And now that she is well into her twenties......she STILL doesn't wear earrings! Besides......I always worry about wee ones with strong fingers who might accidently pull those earrings out and eat them!

(Whew! I KNOW this is long....sorry. I had a lot to say!)

Sincerely,

Linny

[bellazmama]

Hi!

I've been using Pantene's new Daily Oil Cream Moisturizer for women of color. I REALLY like it for the daily comb-outs of Bella's curls. I also use VO-5 detangler. It smells great!!!!!

Sarah

[redhedded]

Thank you for reminding me this morning, with your original post, of my ability to instill culture in my daughter. Of course, I knew and know, everyday, but enjoyed reading it again. Our best friends, who happen to be African American, said to me when our daughter arrived and such a discussion followed, "She will always know that she is a strong beautiful black woman; you will be sure of that." "She will not forget and does not need to be reminded; she will know when she looks in the mirror everyday. Her identification as a person is a choice; her culture does not have to be defined." He went on to say that she might love history and travel as we do; she might love animals and stand up for what she believes at all costs. She might be funny and not serious, self deprecating. His words are special and remind me of what being a parent is all about. We have the opportunity to expose, guide and love unconditionally everyday then let our daughter become the person that she was intended to be. Of course, I recognize the importance of living in a diverse community and having a support system of many.

Tania, Adoption is not for everyone; transracial adoption is certainly not something to be taken lightly. These are just a few factors to consider, like familial acceptance or your willingness to cut ties with ANY who do not approve or whose ignorance or insensitivity could harm your child, the diversity of the community that you live in and your personal comfort level, and finally, your knowledge of history (world history as it occurred, not as it is taught). We are a multiracial, multicultural family with my being Irish American and my daughter being African American, and my husband being born in Thailand. The narrative quoted by Bella reminds us that culture is shared beliefs. While our historical and present day experiences as Europeans and Africans in this land are vastly different, our "culture" is much the same. As a transplanted Southerner, many of our traditions and customs are blended. I am often struck to find that potential adoptive parents are open to (or seek) adopting Asian or Hispanic children but unwilling to adopt African American children. Of course, they should not, but their explanation is that, "it is easier or less different." WRONG. Asian culture is very, very different from American culture - it makes us laugh.

I agree with Bellazmom about the reading of, "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race Conscious World." This book was invaluable to me, not as a transracial adoptive mother, but as a mother. It is written not as an adoption tool but for black parents from her perspective as a practicing psychologist.

I apologize for my verbosity today. I rarely visit the boards and when I do, I guess I cannot control myself. Angeluv: I recently read "Hair Story: Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America." I was confounded when I finished, just as I was when I began. I know the importance of instilling self confidence through caring for my daughter's hair, and I know the scrutiny it will bring. Obviously since being indoctrinated with European forms of beauty, black mothers have had to find the balance between "assisting their daugthers to be happy in their appearance" and focusing on the important things. Like all, I am sure, I want to play, read and focus on her mind and spirit. I want her to know that she is beautiful without conforming to others' standards of beauty. I am a no nonsense, all natural kind of woman; I do not care for fluff and frills. Where is the balance and the opportunity to end the emphasis on her hair? My daughter is one year old and any responses are appreciated.

[bellazmama]

Thank you! I, too, love that quoted material. It just reminds us that we can all take part in any other culture we choose to.

Blessings!

p.s. We live in TN. How is the transplanted Southern belle doing?

[angeluv]

Redheaded, you have asked a question for which I'm sure there is no prescribed answer......"where is the balance between making ones daughter/child self confident in their appearance and strong in mind and spirit." ???? Because we're different theres no one way to achieve this. Some parents are better than that than others and some children are more mature than others. I'm sure we all wish we had the answer. As for ending the emphasis on one's hair......Personally, I don't think we can change where society chooses to place its emphasis. We are only in control of how we choose to respond....or not respond to how society reacts to us. We can only do our best to prepare our children in dealing with "the world" at large.

As for my earlier post, I did not discuss beauty.....I discussed caring for hair to ensure it's healthy. My reasons for stating that one shouldn't cut a little black girl's hair is no different than the reasons why one takes their caucasian american son to get his hair cut. Though we'd like to say we don't succumb to the values and morays of society but we all do, in some ways. This really isn't about hair...this is about responsibility to your child to do those things which are best for the child based on "who the child is".

Though you will have the final say.....Chances are, you won't have to ponder about your daughter's hair for very long......she will likely tell you what she desires, well before she goes to grade school. Children are no longer as accepting as they were in my day...... I found myself in Walmart last week being told by my 20 month old that he wanted the "Yellow Hat" (which by the way was Red) instead of the Blue Denim hat I had selected for him. (LOL) Arguing about clothes is not a fight I expected to have so soon. I'm sure you and your daughter will have many "hair" discussions as she grows older. The main focus of my post was that up until she expresses interest in her hair, you as her parent should learn to understand her hair and any other differences that exist between you and your child due to differences in one's backgrouds. Thxs, Angeluv

[Missy M]

Hi All,
I was up browsing and found this very calm and refreshing thread and I just had to comment. I am also Afro- American, married to a wonderful Caucasain honey for the past 28 years. We are the proud parents of 3 bi-racial kids and I am the b-mom to one AA daughter,reunited last year.
Boy, the stories I could tell about hair care. Being a mom to the rainbow coalition, I have seen and caused some bad hair days! I tried to treat my girls hair like my own, did the grease and gel thing, (to kids with hair the texture of cotton candy) tried the gheri curl thing, tried the au natural thing too and nothing worked. Finally I met a lovely bi-racial neighbor with wonderful hair who came to my rescue. That got us through the teen years and now we discover that my grandkids have even more hair issues.
Recently a lady at my church who just adopted an AA baby who is only 4 months old asked my 32 year old daughter which PERM she used as she couldn't get the babys hair to "lay-down" for anything and was considering just "trimming it off." Talk about misguided......Missy

[bellazmama]

That's a little more than misguided. That's scary! I hope she let her know how to deal with her baby's hair. YIKES!
Sarah