[lemonchutney]

My bio-mother found me when I was 23. That was 11 years ago, and to this day my amom refuses to meet, talk to, or have anything to do with my bio-mother. I have often thought it would be nice if the two of them could at least talk on the phone once. I used to think that if they did, maybe I'd feel more "integrated." Over time, I've largly achieved integration of my identity on my own without relying on them to do it for me, so that last point isn't much of an issue anymore.

What is still an issue is my amom doesn't understand my wish to maintain a friendship with my bio-family, and we've gotten to the point where we don't talk at all about it. This is tough because I'm used to being able to discuss anything and everything (including adoption) with my amom. Having any topic be "off-limits" feels strange and wrong. Complicating all of this is that my amom's parents divorced when my amom was a young girl, and she hasn't seen her father since then. Her father is deceased now, but before he died, he remarried and made a new family. My amom has never met her half siblings and has no desire to. She has implied, "I don't want to know my long lost relatives, so why do you?" It's as if she thinks she has pride and I don't.

(I get very defensive when people say things like "If your amom truly loved you she would understand...." Please, if you're thinking this, keep it to yourself.)

From her perspective, the records were closed, all adults involved agreed to a closed adoption, and she prefers to abide by the original agreement. She seems to feel no malice. She's often talked of a special spiritual connection with my bio-mother and a deep gratitude, but she prefers the connection to remain on the spiritual and abstract level. She doesn't want it to be concrete. I respect her decision, even though I'm not entirely happy about it.

This whole thing greatly upsets my bio-mother, who has often pressured me to ask my amom (yet again) for a meeting between the two of them.

I feel like I'm in the middle. How can I gracefully get out of the middle?

I'm looking for compassionate insight into why these two women who are both very important to me are so at odds on this issue.

Could my amom's reluctance be a generational thing? My amom was born in 1934.

Why does meeting my amom matter so much to my bio-mother?

[Kitti]

As a bmom I would love to one day meet my daughters amom. I think this is important to me because I have always wondered what she is like. What are her interests,hopes, and dreams, and what has she passed along to "our" daughter. My daughters amom is responsible(at least in part) for making her the woman she is today, and though I have yet to meet either of them I have great respect for her. I was 15 when I placed my daughter in her care,and I trust in my heart she has loved and cared for her as I would have if I was given the opportunity to be her parent. I don't have hard feelings for my daughters aparents and I hope to one day welcome them into my life along with the daughter we all love. This is my wish for a happy ending to a long and sometimes difficult story. Good luck with both of your moms,it must be comforting to know they both love you so much. Maybe one day they will become friends.

[A_mothers_love]

Some of us built such a fantasy in our minds that it is near impossible to believe that there is a real person out there. SHe may be scared of rejection, of not being good enough, perhaps she feels that she was not a good mother and she feels that your bio mom will be able to tell that, the list goes on, I think what you are doing is good, sometimes people are not ready to face reality. It is so much easier to remain in fantasy land. I think its great that your amom was able to speak to you about adoption when it counted the most, you have two worlds now and if she doesnt want to share one that is her loss. I can just imagine how hard it would be to combine in your life both your mothers, I am sure they both hold special places in each others hearts. I am not an adoptive mother, I am on the other side, for me I have always loved my sons mom, I hold a deep love for her because she is doing something I was unable to do. I am sure that your mothers feel the same way about each other, if she is happy going on with life without speaking to your other mother then that should be respected, even though it may hurt you. I am sure she is not doing it intentionally she is just keeping herself safe.
Hugs
Melissa

[sspete]

I wish for your best interest that this could work out, but it can be rather complicated when you only have one willing to work at it. I for one am so glad that my bdaughters amom is so willing to get to know me, and work on a reunion. I have always loved and respected this dear lady in my heart SO much. After all, I trusted her and her husband with the most precious gift of all--A life. I can understand your bmom wanting to meet her. This was very important to me, even after 19 years of waiting. I wanted to meet this dear lady very much. I am thankful she wanted to meet me. I don't think your amom means any harm. This could be just a hard relationship for her to develop. She may feel she does not need to be a part of the relationship you have with your bmom. Also, these kinds of family relationships don't seem all that important to her. Just like with her father. Your personalities may be very different. Where family means a lot to you-it may not to her. Try your best to just love them both, and understant what works for one person may not work for another. Best of Luck spete

[lemonchutney]

Thanks to everyone who responded. You have great wisdom, and you've given me a lot of good thoughts to ponder.

Peace,
lemonchutney

[strosnstars]

Im in the exact same boat, except from the BMom side. I really would like to meet my sons A parents, but they just pretend I dont exist. The dont understand why he wants to have a relationship with me and my family (which include his siblings) Well now my sons wedding is coming up and we are all a part of it. Guess they wont be able to ingnore us then!! LOL. Frankly, Im getting a little annoyed, and so is my son. Over the last 9 months I have sent them letters, cards etc, all expressing my gratitude and my intention not to try to take a parental role. After all, he is an adult and doesnt need to be parented any more. I have thought about their feelings every step of the way. But I have reached the point after being ignored for nearly a year that I really dont care if we ever meet or become friends. My feelings are important too. I refuse to feel like the bad girl who is doing something wrong, begging for permission to be a part of his life. Im not the knocked up teenager anymore. Im a grown, successful, moral, loving woman. I have nothing but positive things to contribute to my son, daughter in law and future grandchildren. And as long as my son and I have a good relationship, than thats really all that matters. If his Mom and Dad want to be part of what my son describes as "one of the best things that has ever happened to me" WONDERFUL!! If not, their loss. This Birthmom is here, without fear...Get used to it!

Laura

[jmisaacs2003]

Congratulations on finding your bmom. I just started looking but have always wanted but have been afraid because I didn't want to upset anybodies lives. My situation is alittle like yours. My amom does not know I'm searching for my bmom. I was always afraid she wouldn't understand. She use to be very frightened that my bmom would come back and claim me. Especially since she's been through the area but that was awhile ago. I know it's hard for you because your amom doesn't want to meet your bmom but maybe she's afraid. She could worried she's going to lose you. If you can talk to her about her feelings it might be easier for you. Good Luck and be happy that you have Two moms that really care for you.

[lemonchutney]

Hi Laura, It must be hell to feel excluded all these years when it was you who created the opportunity for the aparent/child relationship in the first place. Also, there are so many negative stereotypes about bmothers, I can imagine their continued silence toward you must feel like they hold negative (and misguided) opinions of you. Sometimes silence seems very loud.

I'm curious what your son's life was like growing up? Does he say good things about his parents and his childhood, or does he feel distant from or angry toward his parents?

I ask this because I do think it's unusual for a newly reunited adoptee to invite a bmom to an event like a wedding, against the wishes of the aparents. Most adoptees are very careful, perhaps too careful, not to appear disloyal to their aparents, and not to hurt their aparents' feelings. Could he be trying to get back at them for something? Please don't read into this question that I don't think you should go, or that he shouldn't invite you. You and he are both adults and have the right to decide what the boundaries of your relationship will be.

[strosnstars]

I have often wondered myself how close they really are. I really dont press him on it. I have only gleaned a small amount of information from him that he has volunteered. He has made comments like "My parents have never really understood me, Im very different than them, etc etc." Whats funny is his parents, and my parents are the exact same age so its almost like we are peers. And we are soooo alike its scary. As a matter of fact, of my three children, he is the most like me, both physically and personality wise. We even have the exact same hiccup!! (Which is quite obnoxious!! Hee Hee) We were at a family gathering and we both got the hiccups at the same time and his fiance' just gasped and shouted "Thats where he gets it!!!"

As far as the wedding, he made it clear he "Wasn't having it without us" His brother and sister are the ring bearer and flower girl. And I am also helping them quite a bit financially with the wedding, but thats just between the 3 of us and her parents. His parents are unwilling to help. Oh by the way, I have met his fiances parents on several occasions and they could not be more wonderful to me. His parents have never expressed any interest in meeting them either, so I guess maybe I shouldnt take it all so personally.

I just do what all the books and experts tell you. Let the adoptee take the lead and establish the boundaries. He's just been so open and loving and soaking it all up and still wanting more!!!. I'll tell you the same thing I always say to him. "Sweety, how can I possibly say no?"

Laura

[Pumpkin]

Very interesting points made. I think it's truly a shame when an adoptee has to feel pitted in the middle between their adoptive and biological families. I try very hard to understand and have a great deal of empathy and compassion towards adoptive parents when it come to reuions. The reality of it all must be very painful and threatening. However, I don't think it's fair for an adoptee to have to choose one over the other. We aren't the ones "causing" their pain by having a reunion. Reality is what's causing it. Loyalty has nothing to do with it. Loving one family more than the other has nothing to do with it.

When my abrother's birthmother found him I had the chance to get some insight from my own amother. Mind you, this is from a 76 year old woman who still can't bring herself to tell anyone why she was unable to have children with my father. Generational factors I believe do have some influence. She felt extremely threatened and tried very hard to make my abrother feel guilty for "doing this to her." She felt left out and inferior. She felt that her title and role as Mother was being usurped by another woman. She felt guilty because she became a mother at the expense of his birthmothers loss. She put a band-aid on this one by trying to paint his birthmother in a bad light and by convincing herself that my abrother must be so happy that he was adopted. His birthmother is actually a very nice woman. She became very depressed and her behavior towards all of us became very needy. She showed up at my house with my old baby blanket that's been in storage for 30 years with tears in her eyes. She really needed some reassuring that we all love her. I believe that she also has many unresolved issues dealing with her own infertility, even after some 40 odd years.

Lemonchutney, I truly feel for you. You may never be able to work this out with your amom. A lot of it could have to do with her generation. Such things just weren't discussed. Perhaps you could try reaching out to her in writing? Give her tons of reassurance and express your feelings openly. Let her know how much this really means to you.

-Pumpkin

[lemonchutney]

Pumpkin, Jennifer and all, Thanks for your compassionate insights. I have tried to reassure my amom. And since 11 years have gone by and I'm still her daughter as much as ever, I think I've reassured her as much as I can. I do understand that her fears are not necessarily rational, and that makes them all the more powerful because they cannot be argued away.

For my bio-mother's sake, I hope that if she ever does get to talk directly to my amom, the experience will provide her the closure she seeks.

I can't and don't want to try to force anything between them, and I don't want to be the go-between anymore.

I think I have more insight into both of them now, which helps. As to how to get out of the middle, one person in the forum sent me a private message in which she suggested that I step out of the middle simply by giving both amom and bmom each other's address. Maybe if I put the ball back in their courts, they'll get the message I don't want to be responsible for their relationship, or lack of relationship.

Thanks again. Many blessings to all of you!

[ladyjubilee]

L.C.,

I'm not certain I would do that. If I were your mother, an adult, and had said I do not want a relationship with someone----then a third person gave out my personal information I'd be peeved.

I'll be even more blunt. If you did something like that, it would probably be interpreted as taking sides (which in a way you have done--you've sided with your birthmother in deciding there *has* to be a relationship.)

What exactly does your birthmother want from your mom?

[Pumpkin]

I agree that giving out her amother's address to her birthmother against her wishes would be an invasion of privacy, however, I don't necessarily see that as taking a side. Lemonchutney stated that she wants no resposibility for a relationship or lack thereof. I think she just wants a way out of the middle. Her birthmother will just have to accept that her amother has no desire for any sort of contact. She's done just about all she can, and while it would certainly bring her some peace if the two of them could accept each other, it probably isn't going to happen.

As for what her birthmother wants from meeting her amother? Speaking for myself, I would want to get to know her and hopefully have a friendly relationship. Why on earth wouldn't I want to know the woman that was the mother of my child?

-Pumpkin

[lemonchutney]

>>If I were your mother, an adult, and had said I do not want a relationship with someone----then a third person gave out my personal information I'd be peeved.

Hmmm. You have a good point. Maybe I should just give my amom the contact info of my bio-mother, since my bio-mother has said she would like contact. Then I can tell my bio-mother that it's out of my hands.

>>If you did something like that, it would probably be interpreted as taking sides (which in a way you have done--you've sided with your birthmother in deciding there *has* to be a relationship.)

I specifically said I respect my amom's decision and that I can't and don't want to force a relationship. Where did I say or imply that there *has* to be a relationship? My desire to hand over contact info is simply a strategy for getting out of the middle. Do you have a better suggestion or do you think I should be content to remain in the middle?

>>What exactly does your birthmother want from your mom?

I don't know for sure, but I think she wants to thank her for raising me and giving me unconditional love. I have asked the same question in this thread, and the bmoms who responded have provided thoughtful answers. Did you read Kitti's post, for instance?

[jmisaacs2003]

That's a good idea! If you do give them each other's address then you are not responsible for any meeting. I know I would probably have to do the same thing even though I do believe my amom could handle it better today. She also does not know I am searching. Only my husband knows! Good Luck and keep us posted just in case you need somemore support.