[Mrgeorge]

My wife has found her Birth Father and is experiencing " Genetic Sexual Attraction ". We are now seperated after 19 years of marriage and 2 small children. Any advice for the spouses????PLEASE!!!!

[Z-U]

Some help I recieved on Genetic Sexual Attraction.
After experiencing these feeling for myself and also realising I'm not a freak or doing anything but being extraordinarily emotive, I got some help and here it is for anyone else who may have experienced such feelings. Me and my b-mom have discussed this at length (like you would in any healthy relationship) and have come to terms with these confusing feelings. It was tough to get her to read all the material I found, but once she had we just cried on the phone - half with laughter and half sheer embaressment. At least we can laugh about it. I hope you find it as useful as we did.

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Setting the scene

The term "genetic sexual attraction" is used to describe the intense physical and emotional feelings that some people experience following restored contact between an adopted person and a close member of his or her birth family. Genetic sexual attraction (GSA) implies the arousal, sometimes but not always mutual, and wish for consummation, of feelings of love and physical/sexual desire between the two people concerned.

The Post-Adoption Centre in London first became aware of the condition several years ago when some birth mothers, who were struggling with overwhelming physical and emotional reactions following reunions with adult children placed for adoption in the past, came forward and asked for help, either directly or anonymously via telephone counselling. This phenomenon had been recognised some years previously in the United States and there was even a self-help group, run by a birth mother, Barbara Gonyo in Illinois, who had experienced similar feelings herself after meeting with her adult son. She was a grandparent at the time and her son was in his mid-20s. She wrote the following:

"I found myself acting and feeling very strange in his presence; as if I was 16 again and dating. The fact that he reminded me so much of his father did not make matters easier. There were feelings of tremendous anxiety between calls and meetings.
My every thought was of him. I now knew what the term
"Magnificent Obsession" meant. I felt as though I was trying to win him over like someone I wanted to date or marry. My desires to have physical contact were very strong. I wanted to hold him in my arms or hold his hand or wrestle him to the ground and handle him and rub his back as I would have with my other children or my grandchild. As these needs progressed my
feelings became very sexual and frightening. I felt ashamed and dirty. I was sure I was the only one with these feelings as no-one had ever talked about such things in support group meetings."

It is now recognised that many adopted people can feel similarly about either one of their birth parents, or about a birth brother or sister, when they meet for the first time in their lives. Almost every possible combination of relationship, e.g. mother and daughter/son, father and daughter, brother and sister, sisters together, sons together, adopted people and extended family members may struggle with this experience post-reunion. These powerful and disturbing feelings can, to a greater or lesser degree, affect almost everyone who re-establishes contact which has been severed by adoption. GSA is not unique to adoption and can occur in any family where members have been separated for long periods, e.g. by divorce or emigration or some other breakdown in relationships. For the majority of people, fortunately, a reunion does not involve sexual expression of feelings, even though most people do experience passionate and
complex emotions to some degree. It is accepted that reunions are highly charged events and that people can carry great hopes and expectations (of which they may not be fully aware) into the relationship, so it is easy to see why the experience is frequently compared to the excitement of falling in love.

The Power of Attraction

Many people, including Barbara Gonyo, believe part of the power of attraction lies in physical similarities. It is unlikely that adopted people will ever have met anyone before who looks at
all like them. Shared mannerisms, mutual interests and finding someone on the same wavelength also adds to the sensation that people re-connected after an adoption belong to each other in a special way. A young woman, on finding her birth brother, wrote to the Post-Adoption Centre in London: "I feel he is an extension of myself and that in finding him I have found
myself and understand myself much more". A man visiting his mother at home for the first time, said: when she opened the door I could see me. Other people describe a sense of "coming home" - when they find someone with whom they can physically identify. Mothers meeting sons, or fathers meeting daughters, who resemble an ex-partner, can find past unresolved passions
rekindled and some difficulty in distinguishing between their child and former lover. For most who are affected in this way, the feelings are overwhelming. There is a strong desire for physical closeness and partings are painful.

Some personal experiences

"when we see each other and then have to say goodbye, it pulls at our insides out". (Adopted daughter about her birth brother)

"It became so intense, we couldn't live without each other - I became physically sick". (Birth mother about her adopted son).

"Things developed rapidly, like a bolt out of the blue".

"I have an overwhelming need to be with her and can think of little else"


The consequences of attraction

This level of intensity and desperate need for contact can wreak havoc with existing relationships. In many situations, partners of those seeking reunion have been very supportive during the ups and downs of the search and can now feel quite excluded. There is little emotional space or attention left for them as their partner's thoughts and energy become channelled towards the newly discovered relative. It seems equally hard for both parties - the searcher appears obsessed by the person found, or vice versa, and will describe feeling "out of control" of the situation, "scared to death" by the intensity and rarely able to make sense of it all. Partners and children sense the emotional withdrawal and become understandably jealous and angry.

The effect on the person concerned closely resembles the first stages of a love affair, when the two people concerned are intensely preoccupied with trying to interpret each other's feelings and responses. In cases of GSA, the focus on the newly discovered relative is all consuming and other relationships, work, leisure activities etc. all suffer.

There are few channels for such intense emotions in adult life and for some people the powerful feelings lead to sexual expression. Many report the need to touch and smell each other, just as mothers and babies do after a birth and infant brothers and sisters do in play. This need is artificially interrupted by adoption.

Although a few brother/sister relationships are openly acknowledged these days and there is an increasing public awareness of the complexity of reunions, there is still little tolerance of this kind of partnership in wider society. Most people are forced into secrecy. Because the wider world does not accept these "incestuous relationships" - for that is what
they are within the law - people often turn inward toward each other, rather than outward for support, placing great strain on the relationship.

It does seem that parent/child partnerships are more destructive in the long term (and potentially harmful) than those between brothers and sisters. This may be due in part to the fact that the latter have no "history" to deal with, (e.g. a mother's guilt at having parted with a child and/or an adopted person's anger at being rejected) and partly because society may see a brother and sister, who have never met before, as more "innocent". Older people, especially parents, are expected to set limits in difficult situations and take responsibility for their actions.

It appears that few such relationships survive for any length of time and for most people becoming sexually involved with a relative is a painful and damaging experience. It is hard to repair or restore the relationship to a more appropriate form once the sexual boundary has been crossed. It went on for nearly a year - that was over two years ago - since then there has been a slow deterioration, as if we both feel disgusted by each other now, angry, hurt and guilty. (A daughter involved with her birth father.)

Another daughter, aware that her birth father's own family has fallen apart because of the intensity of their reunion, and that her own husband was struggling to understand, acknowledged we have all lost so much by doing this.

A mother and son had an uncomfortable passion for several months. He eventually withdrew as he could not cope with the situation and she says: I nearly took my life over it. I feel angry (with him) for shutting me out.


Preparation

Many counsellors and intermediaries involved in arranging reunions do warn people at the pre-reunion stage that these things can happen. This does not mean that those who are forewarned never find themselves overwhelmed by the
physicality of those first few meetings, but at least the experience does not come as such a shock. People who have discussed the possibility beforehand will have some understanding of why it might be happening and may
be less likely to lose control.

Why does it happen to some people and not to others?

There seem to be some indications which suggest certain people are more vulnerable to this type of sexual involvement. No one factor mentioned below in itself will predict a sexual relationship, but if several factors are part of anyone's experience, he or she ay be much more susceptible to the power of attraction in a reunion.

Strong physical resemblance
1. As already discussed, physical similarities, including body smell,
can have overwhelming effects, especially if the people concerned are not prepared for this. That is why exchanging photos and letters and, in this day and age, maybe a video recording before the direct meeting, is always to be recommended.


Low self-esteem
2. Many birth mothers suffer from poor self-esteem because they have parted with a child for adoption. They feel they have "failed" their child and do not deserve many of life's rewards. On the other hand, adopted people can also suffer low self-esteem if they carry a strong sense of rejection because of the adoption. People with low self-esteem often feel unable to control their lives or relationships. Outwardly successful people may still suffer from a low sense of self esteem because of their adoption experience.

Narrow age difference
3. A young mother (or father) who placed a child for adoption with older adoptive parents (adoptive parents can be as much as 30 years older than birth parents) may meet a son or daughter who is 20 years old when they are still in their mid-late 30s. This gap would not necessarily be problematic if either party were seeking a sexual partner.

Romantic fantasies
4. Most people have these, even if they are level-headed about about reunion other things in life. It is worth working out the wildest dreams and strongest fears about the other person before a reunion takes place and then discussing these with someone objective, preferably an experienced counsellor. Like falling in love, it is easy to be deluded about the perfection of the other person.

Anger and violence
5. If either party senses these characteristics in the other (or indeed, in themselves), they need to be especially aware and careful. Sex is a powerful and dangerous channel through which to work out unresolved feelings of hurt and anger related to adoption.

Absence of a sexual partner
6. Having a positive sexual relationship outside the reunion does appear to offer some safety in the situation, although even this does not necessarily make anyone immune. People who are single (and "looking" even if not actively), recently divorced, separated or in an unsatisfactory relationship are, inevitably, more susceptible. The emotions and seeking of closeness in a reunion can spill over to "fill the gap" all too easily.

The inability to say 'no'/guilt
7. Some mothers, having parted with their child as a baby, are fearful of saying no to anything their adopted son or daughter may ask of them. They may feel they have no right to ask for what they need. Adopted people too can be fearful that if they attempt to establish boundaries, e.g. regarding frequency of meetings, their parent will vanish again. It is imperative
that everyone feels confident about setting limits in this new relationship and able to refuse unwelcome or inappropriate demands. This is less likely to endanger the relationship than a furtive, explosive sexual liaison. Both parties may need counselling help (ideally before the reunion) in order to strengthen their emotional resources so that they can, more easily, resist unwelcome pressures.

Mental health issues
8. Either party may have suffered breakdown or mental ill health in the past. Almost one in three people suffer from mental ill-health at some point in their lives. A reunion is a very stressful event and vulnerable people need to seek out good support during the process of reunion. It can be hard to maintain appropriate boundaries if people are feeling too "fragile" or disturbed.

Previous unsatisfactory relationships
9. People who have had a recent unhappy relationship or a number of relationships them in their lives may expect to find the answer to all that has gone wrong in the new relationship. It takes time to discover just what this new relative is like.

Physical/sexual abuse
10. People who have been abused as children or adults struggle to set in the past limits in intense emotional situations. Reunions can be very confusing and open up old vulnerabilities.

"Walking on the wild side"
11. Some people tend to take more risks than others, flouting convention or authority or jumping in at the deep end to see what happens. People who have committed sexual transgressions in the past, e.g. extra-marital affairs, may be less hesitant about experimenting with this new relationship.

History of loss
12. People who have experienced another traumatic loss are likely to feel even more anxious about the permanence of the new relationship. They may be more likely to create a situation where they become indispensable to their new relative in several ways.


Strategies for coping

Many people do not receive counselling before a reunion and only approach agencies for help once the relationship has begun. It can be extremely difficult to talk about what is happening then. More often than not, one relative will seek help while the other cannot face doing so. Listed below are some of the practical things which parents and adult children, all affected by GSA, say have been of some help in coping with the distress and disturbance they feel. These suggestions come from members of Barbara Gonyo's group "Truth Seekers in Adoption", from the British self-help group NORCAP, and from people who have contacted the Post-Adoption Centre in London and other counselling services. (See Useful Names and Addresses
Supplement).

a. Talking about things openly and honestly. This counteracts the shame and secrecy which many feel is forced upon them. It is often easier to do this with a neutral person than with someone who may be personally involved. An experienced counsellor would normally be the best source of
help.

b. Knowing that the powerful, overwhelming feelings do lessen in time - as in any other romantic relationship.

c. Understanding the situation in terms of the attachment/separation process, which is part of the experience of raising children and of growing up. This can explain why some people have such a great need to catch up on lost time, including the early years of great physical intimacy between parents and children or between siblings, and why they need to know all
there is to know about each other, before they can begin to differentiate themselves from one another and move apart again.

One of the implications of this way of making sense of the situation is that it is based on the model of the usual parent/child relationship, where early physical intimacy and inter-dependence does, in the course of healthy development, lead to independence through a gradual process of weaning and of including the outside world. As in all parent/child relationships, it
is ultimately up to the adult to teach the child which demands are
appropriate and to signal when it is time to move on (e.g. from the breast or to school) and eventually to become self-sufficient.

The Post-Adoption Centre in London (see Useful Names and Addresses Supplement) has positive experience of helping birth mothers and their adopted sons (and occasionally daughters) who have got caught up in GSA following a reunion, to try and see it as part of a developmental process, which can be worked through and survived. However, the risks in entering into this relationship in the first place should never be under-estimated.
There will always be some concern that either party may find living with the experience intolerable and would eventually regard any form of future contact out of the question.

d. Using the support and understanding of a sexual partner. This is likely to require the help of an experienced counsellor as the initial reaction of most sexual partners would be to feel threatened.

e. Finding more appropriate ways of expressing affection. Physical contact (touching, smelling) may be too difficult to handle. It is important to find out about other mutual interests and to share other experiences.

f. Using names that define roles e.g. "my mother", "my son" - and making a point of introducing one another in this way.

g. Learning why the incest taboo exists and why it is considered dangerous.

h. Doing something physical together to work off some energy (walking, swimming, weight training).

I. Using other relationships as guidelines as to how one would normally behave towards a son, mother, brother, sister, etc.

j. Strong moral guidance has helped some people to find a perspective on things, e.g. talking with a priest.

k. Arranging meetings in public areas for a while.

l. Avoiding seeing each other until some understanding of what is happening has been sought.

m. Considering the implications of breaking the law, - incest is illegal and this includes close biological relatives separated by adoption.

What next?

Even if it is possible to follow all this guidance, people may still feel hopelessly out of control and entangled with their relative. Sexual contact may temporarily blot out unhappiness or depression stemming from the adoption and other life experiences. Facing the painful feelings of loss and anger behind the relationship may seem impossible, and few people want
to give up the closeness they have discovered.

People who seek counselling or therapy give themselves the opportunity to look at events in their lives which may have led to the present dilemma - that of involvement in an all-consuming relationship which has little future in wider society and can destroy the health and well-being of both parties through secrecy and doubt.


not or

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

Thank you so much for your thorough, and I feel accuarte, explanation of a very troubling, although common phenomena.

To Mr. George, you are not alone. It makes me very sad to hear that genetic sexual attraction has broken up marraiges. I hope your wife is getting help. Even though GST is common it is VERY wrong. No blame here, just a plea for those affected to get help.

[Z-U]

I think thats fair comment. I'm fortunate that bmom and I haven't blown it and that it hasn't upset other people in the family. We caught it early and can now chill out a bit. The advice just given to seek counselling is good advice and should be taken up if not already. I'm very sorry to hear about the situation mrgeorge. Good luck with the future.

Z-U

[colin]

wow, it is wel worth the time to go over these threads,

who would have thought this was possible

Nice to be aware and on guard

Thanks again for sharing information openly for all to profit from.

[lillimae]

My husband of 14 years is dealing with my having met my biological brother 9 years ago and this same situation. I would like to hear more from you on this situation-that we may be able to help each other through this, seeing both sides of the coin. I realize you posted in March, so I hope you are still reading through these forums. Please respond if you are.

[Fekhten]

Is anyone aware of GSA ever happening between half-siblings?

[graduate]

Hello, I am new to this forum (any forum really) but I noticed that maybe there are other people out there that have experienced GSA and have been able to deal with it. Ok, here is my story. when i was 16 i was told that i have a full-blooded older brother who was 18. After a couple of months a sexual relationship started (my first one). Well six months into it, he cut off all communication with my family. He came back 6 weeks later and there was no mention of the past until i was 18 when he tried to rekindle the relationship. I said no and it was all forgotten again. For the last couple of years nothing has been said about the past and we actually had a really great bro/sis relationship. Recently there have been problems within the family and i cut off contact with my bio brother. It has been about a year and with this time off, I have started to rehash some of my feelings of guilt, anger, shame, etc. I have approached my parents ( I had told my mother at the time, but she never wanted to discuss it then) and they want me to confront my brother so that everything can get worked out. has anyone had a situation like this? Any help would be much appreciated.

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

Perhaps you would be interested in reading Barbara Gonyo's book: Genetic Sexual Attraction

It is a great book for those touched by GST. Email me at:

KaseyHamnerMS@comcast.net if you want more info.

[lillimae]

Graduate,
Sorry it took so long to get this to you, but along with this site, I also found a wonderful support group to go to when dealing with this issue. If you email tiynaton@yahoo.com, they will hook you up. It has really been a great help while dealing with GSA.

Hope you find this of some help, too.

Lillimae.

[annabonaddio]

I am a TV producer currently making a film about GSA. Many brave people have talked to me directly - many of them had never heard of GSA before it happened to them, which I'm hoping the film I am putting together will change.

If anyone who has experienced GSA either themselves or within their family, and feels able to contact me, I would be very keen to hear your story - GSA is such a complex issue that only first person stories can really explain all the different ways that it happens. My email address is anna.bonaddio@btclick.com.

[elodierv]

This is an amazing book that has helped me a lot !!!

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

Barbara has a new website on GSA. Visit www.geneticsexualattraction.com

This subject cannot be over investigated. Let the healing begin.

Kasey

[elodierv]

Yes, I know I am already a member there and have been a lot in contact with her because where I live (Belgium- I'm french speaking...) there is absolutly no information at all on the subject. It's just like we prefer to ignore it so we don't have to deal with it. I have to say that Barbara is such an amazing person. I really want to say publicly that she has been so generous with me replying to my emails almost everyday. She has helped me a lot through this by her understanding of my situation, using the right words that guided me in my reflection, being really supportive.
Thanks Barbara !

[random]

I want to know if it is illegal for a brother and sister who have been reunited and both of legal consenting age to have an intimate relationship to have one??? I realize it is both morally and socially unacceptable, but if one were to overlook these things would there also be legal repercussions??? Please somebody help me on this....after all that has happened to me in my life I feel that i really dont care if i am condemned, but am still questioning this all the same....I greatly appreciate any and all help regarding this matter. Thank you so much