[firish16]

I have always wanted to do this. I don't know why, has anyone else ever thought about it?

I have always wanted to figure out who my birthmother is, and find her address. Then, I would learn some things about her and try to run into her somewhere, or go by her house and pretend to be selling something just to see what she looked like. I don't think I would tell her I was her daughter--not then at least. But I would just want to see her without her knowing who I was. I would feel shielded, protected. It would be so cool if we looked alike. Somehow I feel like she would just know. I would want to tell her who I was later, but I suppose I have always wanted the advantage of knowing first. I think thats what so frustrating about this whole process. I am putting myself out here and giving out obvious identifying facts about my adoption, and I feel like she has never wanted to find me. If she ever looks though, she is going to know who I am first. It's so very frustrating.

[Lewey]

I'm not an adoptee, but a birthmother, I always thought that it should be my son's decision to find me, but I had it in my head (long ago) that when he turned 18, I would find him and just hang out to see what he was like, if he was happy and if we looked alike, I wouldn't tell him who I was, but what if he figured it out because we looked alike I once told this to my husband, I think he thought I was crazy, but when he turned 18 I decided it was better to wait and let him come to me, after all it was my decision to place him all those years ago, but then 9/11 happened and I decided I couldn't wait, he was 20 then and I needed to know that he was okay and hopefully not in the Military, thank God he was college and he was safe and happy.

Lewey

[A_mothers_love]

I to am not an adoptee but goodness did you ever hit it on the nail...all my sons life I have had thoughts about doing that very thing. Now that I found him...ekk I would be terrified to do it. I think that finding him now put another light into it, for now I know he is no longer a fantasy child, he is real with a real family, and I know that if I did something to that effect it would hurt him, and to hurt him would hurt me.
I am friends with an adoptee who did do what you are saying, he went as far as finding his mom through internet connection, actually stalked her without her knowing) found out absoultely everything on her, and then set up an email addy with her name and pretended to be her to get more information. What it eventually did was destroy trust when he contacted her. I would never in a million years do that. Thoughts well they are okay as long as they stay thoughts. Curiousity killed the cat.

Hugs
Melissa

[A_mothers_love]

another reason why you shouldnt do that...for me my son would know who I am because we look totally alike, what would happen if she looked at you and knew? Your protection would be gone
Hugs
Melissa

[fmarten6]

I am an adoptee, and I can't speak for all adoptees or the birthmothers but I think if you are worried that us adoptees are mad at you, most are not we just want some closure, life is too short, we were put up for adoption for a reason, whatever reason. we are just thankful for the gift of life, I have been searching for mine since I was 18, now I'm 33 and everytime I see someone who fits her description I wonder. I would not at all be upset if she confronted me, I'd probably be floored and cry and hug her but I wouldn't be mad and I think I would have a hunch that it was her. good luck in your searches! mary fmarten6@aol.com

[rcschick]

I started my search yrs ago and it was a come and go type thing. Not until last yr when I found out I had high blood pressure did I really deceide to see what I could find out. Not knowing whether I was going to meet any bfamily members or not. I had it in my mind already that either way was fine with me. Of course it would be nice to meet bfamily but if not health information would suffice. Unfortunately I didn't get to meet my bmother she passed away nov. of last yr. Luckily the caseworker I had made contact with had sent a letter to possible family members. I do believe my bmother knew I was looking for her and it does bother me in a way but I got to meet my stepsiblings and my bdad. Also found out I have a bbrother and another sister on my bdads side ( that's 6 total). Steps or not our initial meeting was very good. It was so natural like we have known each other all of our lives. Hugs and love just amazing. Although I never had the chance to meet my bmom I was able to meet bfamily. Good luck to those of you looking and to those of you who have been reunited. There will always be questions. But with faith we can accomplish anything. Kelly

[fmarten6]

personally, no I wouldn't be mad. 2nd but don't forget the old saying, curiosity killed the cat, whatever you decide be careful, but a peek can't hurt unless it turns into something more, you know what I mean. you are her birth mom and you do have a right to know, even if she is mad at you or what not, you can't say that you didn't try. maybe it's just something she hasn't come to terms with yet herself, maybe she has mixed feelings, whatever it be good luck. mare fmarten6@aol.com

[Lewey]

I think that the thought of standing back and watching is more of a fantasy than anything else, I never followed through with the idea, I also think it was just a thought to keep me going at the time, not knowing that I was greiving for my son.

Lewey

[A_mothers_love]

Fantasy is on the way to greiving.Me well I bounce back and forth between fantasy and reality personally I think that is the only thing that keeps me going. I could never just take a peek at my son I think I would be overrun with emotion. It is in my fantasy to take a peek though....to bad I am not strong enough, one of the things I did do though is take out a newspaper subscription in his home town. I am close but not personally close.
Hugs
Melissa

[maureen salamon]

I'm an adoptee and when I started my search I thought it would be great to just find out where my birth mother worked, park my car in the parking lot one day and wait to see when she came out. It seemed exciting, and I also thought that way I would be protected and could determine what my next move would be.
When I actually figured out her identity, that idea just seemed preposterous! There was no way I would have been able to slide a pair of sunglasses on, sit in my car and keep from her who I was. But this is the difference in the way you think before and after you actually know their identity.
Just for the record, I ended up writing my bmom a letter, we met last June, have been in reunion for 9 months, and it is turning out wonderfully! And she often thought, as I was growing up, that if she could have found out my identity she would have "spied" on me too.

[firish16]

I just want to clear up... I certainly don't plan on doing that. It's just a thought I have always had and it makes me feel better to know that I'm not weird for thinking it.. that some other people have entertained the thought too. I feel conflicted a little because I don't feel like my bmom wants to know me at all. Sure, there could be several reasons why she isnt registered and searching for me, maybe she doesnt even have access to the same resources that I do, I just really wish I could find her first... now. I think as soon as I found out who she was I would be relieved. We wouldn't need to even meet right away, just knowing her name and whereabouts would satisfy me. My greatest fear ever... my fear above ALL fears... is that she will have either passed when I find her, or I will find her and my bbrother and neither of them will even want to meet me. I am petrified of rejection.

[Lewey]

Firish;

I took it as a fantasy question and nothing more, I think that your fears are normal and experienced by both adoptee's and birthparent's, I also believe by just having this fantasy it helps when trying to cope with these fears. I'm not sure how long you have been searching, but I hope that your search ends soon, please let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

Lewey

[maureen salamon]

Just so you know, not all birthparents will initiate a search even if they desperately wish to know their son or daughter. My bmom had scanned the registries online in the early and mid-90s hoping I had registered, but she never actively searched because she said she didn't feel she had the right to find me since she had given me up. She had always hoped I would find her, though, and to do that I had to make the first move.

When I did, she replied to my letter within days (FedExed one back!) saying that she had always hoped I would search her out. Since then, she has made every motion possible to make me feel welcome in her life -- even at great emotional expense, since no one in her family knew about me for the past 35 years except her mother.

I, too, was afraid of rejection. We all are! But you'll never know unless you take this step what might happen. It might be wonderful! All I know is, I felt a calling to search at this point in my life and decided I would deal with the possible rejection if it happened. I was blessed, it turned out so much better than I ever could have hoped.

Good luck, I hope I helped.

[shirleyville]

No, Moira.....if I were your daughter, and I found out that you had "hung out" trying to get a look at me, I wouldn't be mad!
I don't think you are hurting a thing at all by doing that!
I have a "funny" story to tell, sorta related to this.
Last week, I found out where my birthmother lives......she's only about nine minutes from me........and I drove over to "scope out" her house. It was hysterical, because just prior to this, one of my friends (also an adoptee, but reunited) and I had concocted this story about me going to my birth brother's house (who also lives close by). I was going to go to his house, carrying a dog leash, go up to the door, and say that I had lost my dog, and was looking for her. ANYWAY -- my brother and I live in the country, so the coutry roads were too bad for me to get down, to get to his neighborhood, so I went to Mary Ellen's (my mom), since she lives on a major highway. I just wanted to LOOK....to sorta see what her house looked like, and to see if maybe I could catch a glimpse of her outside or something.
SO.....her house sits on this little "side street", that has maybe six houses on it. I kept going around the block, just looking at the house....drinking in every detail -- noticing that she has birdfeeders and windchimes all around, just like I do...and she even has a similar "fairy" in her garden, like one I have. I was driving around the block and back, and I had my cell phone glued to my ear, talking ot my friend, and telling her everything.....and all of the sudden, a MAN (I assume her husband) came out the front door to the side walk and yelled "Miss, are you lost??"
Apparently, I had gone by so many times (and I am sure I must have been virtually HANGING out the window, gawking, with the phone glued to my head) that he saw me from inside and came out to see if I was in trouble!!! I swear, I nearly DIED!!!!!!
Of course it would have been the PERFECT opportunity for me to just stop and give him the "I lost my dog" story, but I couldn't! I was too taken aback, and too embarrassed....and YES, I was too SCARED!!!!
I just shook my head, and took off!!
She doesn't WANT any contact with me, so I just didn't feel "right" about it. I guess I just wanted a "hint" of what she is like........
Anyway -- go for it, Moira! Just don't be as obvious about it as I was !!! ***tee-hee***
Hugs,
Sal

[shirleyville]

Heck yeah, it's scarey! Good Lord....I was right there at her front door, and I was terrified that her husband came out because he recognized me or something!! That is mor than likely paranoia at this point because I am told I look nothing like my birthmom....she has blonde hair and blue eyes, and I have brown hair and hazel eyes.....but STILL! If Ihad stopped moving long enough to answer him, he may have seen something that triggered who I was -- it hasn't been but a month or so since they found out I was searching, and I am sure that the thoughts of it are still "fresh"!
I just say follow your heart....you could go to that restaurant and eat and she wouldmore than likely NEVER clue in.......but you need to do whatyour heart says is right! And I happen to know you have a good heart!
Hugs,
Sal