[KzooPAPA]

My heart is aching with love and loss after reading many of the posts over the past several nights. I now am beginning to understand where the anger and frustration I have had for so long comes from, and why the possibility of reunion make more nervous than should be possible.

I am a single child of a single parent - and until a few days ago - had no idea of who my father was. In fact, my entire life (I am now 32) is built around a story that is untrue. Understand . . . that I was raised by my mother and only my mother. While certainly not adopted, I have NEVER known any information about my father. Not a shred. In fact, I wasn't terribly concerned with an individual who through my own assumption cared nothing for me. My father left before I was born - and until this week, my mother has never spoken more than the words "He was a good man - but I told him if he left, to never come back."

A bit of info - I am a fairly successful 32 year old married male with my first child on the way. Perhaps it is through the pregnancy process with my wife, that I have become more and more interested in actually finding out WHO my father is. Regardless, the ensuing discussion I had with my Mom left me speechless, and now more confused than ever . . .

Apparently my Mom was involved with a married man - with whom she had an affair and a subsequent child (ME). This man then proceeded to return to his married life and asked to never be burdened again. My mother (out of love, I truly believe) complied and to her credit refused to tell me anything about him until that conversation a few nights ago.

But after a few days of searching - I have come to a stumbling block - both mental and social. My mother was able to supply me with my birth father's name, birthdate, and some basic information. He was nearly fifty when he had me with my Mom (24 at the time) and was married with 2 children of his own. Apparently, I was his 2nd child as a result of an affair (in addition to his own). The first affair had gone terribly - resulting in paternity suits, child support, and nearly cost him his marriage. A local scandal developed (according to my Mom) as a result of that first affair, as the mother of his first mistress hung herself after the results of the paternity were known. It was this horrendous experience that drove him to ask for complete secrecy after my birth. And my Mom (who loved this man with all her heart) agreed to keep his identity from me.

Through the love and detemination of my wife - my mother finally divulged her complete knowledge of my birth father. But now, I am filled with every piece of information needed to move forward - but am afraid to do so. I have received word through a friend in law enforcement, that my birth father's last known address is in Florida - and my friend has supplied me with the address and telephone number. My friend also supplied me with the name of one of his sons - who lives in my hometown. Disturbingly, though, my friend has had two conflicting reports regarding the status of my birth father: one which shows him deceased, another listing him as alive and living in Florida.

So how would you proceed? I fear anger and humiliation may be unavoidable if I proceed with contacting his family members - but am flatly terrified to make a simple phone call. I dread bringing out old wounds - but have such an empty feeling inside that I feel I cannot NOT proceed. I want to know more about this man who loved my mother, and even visited me and checked in periodically (as I recently learned) on my first few years of life. How can I NOT make that phone call or write that letter? How do I know that the distress I may cause to a now elderly (78yrs) man is not just serving my own selfish need?

While many of these questions are for me self loathing yet imperative - I would like to get some opinions from those of you that have preceded me in your quests for contact. Often I ask myself, "Why can't I just let it go?" After all, I have a successful/vibrant career; I am married to the absolute most wonderful woman in the universe; we are expecting our first child in the next couple of months; I have a strong caring and compassionate relationship with my Mom. Why does this still hurt? And why does the mere possibility of finding that my birth father is deceased bring me to tears?

Please share your thoughts . . . as I would like to learn from you.

Michael

[Mee Sook]

Hi Michael...

First... welcome to the boards. I only post every now and then and I don't have much time to become as involved as I would like. I have found that ppl on the boards come with a common experience and can probably relate to you well. Sometimes too tho, it can be overwhelming... so... while listening to other's experience... hold fast to your own feelings, thoughts, and experiences... as they are unique to you.

Tho you are not adopted, no doubt your experiences have shed some very real similar feelings to those of us who are. Feelings of utter frustration, anger, sadness, abandonment, drive for more information... and other identity family related... stuff... so I hope you feel like you belong here.

Second... congrats to you and your wife on the pregnancy of your first child. Having children can trigger things within that prompt searching to take place.

I have no tangible info to pass on to you... as my story is a bit different... I have no record of any info as I'm an international adoptee... but wanted to say... take time to feel all that you feel and validate who you are... and be patient with yourself and with the process. It's one that will stretch you to your limits as well as one that will enhance your self-awareness and hopefully in the long run be one well worth the search.

As far as the letting it go... it is part of your past.... for me at least... it's the not knowing and wanting answers to the questions, that drives me to search and furthermore... you are your father's child.... that is a very strong bond tho it's not concretely visible. Do I think you are selfish in wanting to search and gain answers... no. You are doing what you need to do for you. Furthermore, I'd venture to say that thinking of your father as deceased brings about a feeling of finality... something concrete that cannot be changed... however, not knowing... is just as torturous... so, it's very understandable why you would be feeling all that you are... and it's all very appropriate. B/c all of this seems to be happening relatively fast... I'd say... take time to process what all this means to you. It's a lot to take in a chew.

Best of luck to you on any future decisions you make and know that sometimes it's not the end result that matters... sometimes what matters most is what you learn in the journey.

Take Care

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

Boy do we need to hear more from you. People don't realize the trauma left on our hearts when we are raised without one of parents, and lied to at that. Welcome to the boards.

[KzooPAPA]

Thanks for the warm reception! I have decided to try and contact onof my 1/2 siblings to get more information. Since my bfather may still be married - I would like to be as discrete as possible - and I KNOW for a fact that one of his sons lives in my hometown.

I appreciate the understanding and compassion engendered here!!

I will keep you updated!