[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

What is your view of the open vs. closed adoption debate? There is no right or wrong answer.

[essex bird]

Hi Kasey, I was adopted privately in London so things might be a bit different but from my own experience this has screwed me up big time over my life, not just the fact that i was adopted but that my right's were taken away from me which di-humanised me. God I haven't been angry for a while but just talking about this has set the trigger of.

Love Tracy

[ksnap]

My vote is for open adoption. I think I missed out on a lot growing up with out contact from my birthmother. Really feeling that now.

Hey Kasey, Would your book be a good one to buy to help me cope with feelings related to reunion? Would you have other books on this matter that you would recommend?
Thanks -karna

[clara]

Hello Kasey,

I'm glad you've made this a discussion point; here's what I thinK:

I'd like to tell you all a brief scenario which will highlight just how difficult unexpected pregancies can be and in so doing would like to focus on the fact that it is very easy to be opinionated about such ethically- related issues and that the reality of a given situation invariably results in far more complex emotional reactions that we can preconceive of.
Yesterday afternoon I and our three daughters accompanied my husband to Bologna airport - he is off on a week's business trip. We were listening to the News on the car radio and a report came in of a young teenage couple in Rimini, a town near the Adriatic coast: He was 17 and she at 15 had fallen pregnant. They had wanted to abort the pregnancy without her parents finding out and the hospital obviously refused. The youngster committed suicide yesterday morning.
This is a particularly tragic story, not only for what it is, but for what it tells about the lack of intrinsic trust and support within their respective family circles: One can stand on the rooftops and scream out "they should have known better, bla, bla, bla, "but the fact remâins, **** can happen - at any age.

While we can debate and rationalise the pros and cons of open and closed adoptions - the wrongs and rights of it all - where are the parents of young teenagers to whom this happens? This question naturally does not cover all the bases of how pregancies that result in abortion or adoption come about; but why should kids live in such fear of parental reaction? Where are the parents?

When we presume to respect the rights of birth parents, who, for whatever reason choose adoption, we should be equally presuming the right of that baby -one day to be an enquiring adult to know WHY - it is the least regard the birth parents can show the children they have borne.

Personally, I believe open adoptions are healthier, but it requires emotional and psychological stamina and graciousness on all sides of the triad: it has to fundamentally be a relationship set up in the best interests of the child.

Closed adoptions fundamentally reinforces the right to privacy of the birthparents and results in the loss of the adopted person's inner sense of identity. Should a closed adoption be done in the so-called best interest of the child then it should be mandatory for the birthparents, out of a basic respect for that child to make available to the child at any time, a written and signed explanation as to why. Afterall , all searches are crucially rooted in that question. WHY?

It is one thing to be selfless enough to give your child a better chance at a fulfilled life with other parents, but then at least, at the very least, let that child know why you felt the need to make that kind of choice.

Parents have the right to closed adoptions. Children SHOULD HAVE OR BETTER SAID, SHOULD BE GIVEN BACK THE RIGHT TO KNOW WHY. No one can force contact. No one can force happy renunions, but no child who evolves into adulthood as an adoptee should be denied that knowledge should they wish to find out. There are those adoptees who do not have that need. Fine. But they are not the ones who spend a lifetime suffering unecessary doubt, depression and the whole gamut of emotional complexes for simply not being able to ask one simple question. Even when there might not be a simple answer.......

Birth parents do carry that responsibility with them for their entire lives, whether they are prepared to acknowledge it or not. They cannot escape that reality, no matter how closed and shut tight they try to keep what becomes a Pandora's Box : unnecessarily so!!!!!

Sex is fun, it easy, but it comes with one hell of a price tag when it is not seriously respected. And that respect should be a mandatory lesson for adults and kids alike!

It is not a game.

PS: I cannot think of anything crueller than giving birth to a child, giving him or her away so as to have a better life and then undermine it all by leaving behind a basic file of "NON_IDENTIFYING INFORMATION". This is so sick a concept to my mind that the other A, in such cases appears the more appropriate option. For there is nothing more soul destroying than being born and living one's life as if one had been aborted in the first place: That is precisely why, I titled my book "The Abortionist's Daughter".
Been there and it is no picnic. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

affectionately,

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

ksnap: I sent you a private message. Thanks for your response. Discussion is the key to our truths.

[BettyPsych]

I realize that adoption has to be an option and openness is far superior to closed in my opinion. Let us not forget the one who had no say in the matter . . . the adoptee!

[litlbear6886]

Mine was a closed adoption with Catholic Charities, and I've done my searches with no agencies or government office help. I have to say that through the years the closed adoption has never made things easy, but there was a time it was for the best. During my teen years, I became very angry towards everyone and everything, but I directed a lot of that anger towards my birth mom. Up until I was around 26 or 27, I wanted nothing to do with her, and if people asked me what I would do if I found her or she found me, I'd tell them it would just give me a chance to finally tell her off. But around that age, I started thinking about what she went through. That age was significant too, supposedly she was 27 when she had me. So being that age I started to wonder what I would do with an unplanned pregnancy. I knew I could never be as unselfish as she was in her decision, and that really gave me the chance to look at her in another view. That was when I really wanted to know her, not to find her to gain vengence. So the closed adoption, in my case, saved both of us from that. But the unforgivable thing was Catholic Charities totally outright lying on the non-identifying information given to my parents during the adoption. The significant age of 27 was a lie; which was really a blow when I found out. She really was only 20. Plus they gave me a whole bunch of info on bdad, and she never listed any birth father whatsoever. But the worst was WRONG medical info.
Losing that info that I was given, and all I had my whole life, was a terrible shock. It opened up all the "Who Am I?" again.
I really can't make a firm decision on open vs. closed, but no matter which way the adoption is handled, false information should never be given.

[patrisha]

open vs. closed adoption?

It is more complicated than a custody agreement between divorced parents. I think an open adoption is beneficial if all parties behave in a responsible manner and stick with the agreed upon plan. That's a very big "IF" though. Too many times the attitudes change and unreconcilable differences emerge.

I vote for a "semi closed" where the both parties exchange pictures and health updates, but are not in direct contact until the child reaches adulthood.

Having said that, the terms of the "semi-open adoption" should be court dictated and violations should carry substantial legal penalties. This would prevent over enthusiastic agencies from making promises to anyone that aren't legally binding.

Trish - b/mom

[lemonchutney]

New Findings from Longitudinal Study Show Adoption Openness Results in Greater Birth Mother Satisfaction

http://www.calib.com/cbexpress/artic...article_id=597

[vicrose]

I was adopted in the late 60's, and it was a closed adoption. I often wonder what pain my birthmother must of went through after giving birth and then having to relinquish me out into this cruel world without ever seeing me again, because as we all know in those days, they told the mother to forget this ever happened and go on with your life. I for one have experienced something similar in my life, when I was nine months pregnant and in deep labor, I arrived at the hospital and when they tried to get a heartbeat on the baby, they found out she was stillborn, so I delivered my baby girl dead, and do you know what that son of a b**** doctor said to me, "it's o.k. honey, just go home and have another baby again soon, and you'll forget about this!!" At that moment in time, I was in so much pain, I couldn't even bring myself to scream at him, I just rolled up into a ball on the bed and told him to leave. So in my opinion, I would of rather opted for an open adoption, so that my mother could of seen me all through the years and been a part of my life, and now my children's lives, but maybe one day we'll meet again. Sincerely, Brenda....

[sinamon]

This is the second time responded to one of these, I quess I will briefly introduce myself and then comment.

This forum with replies is wonderful and I'm glad I found it.

I am 34 years old and an adoptee. I was adopted at birth to be a part of a wonderful family. I know some information but not all. I haven't started looking for my birth mother and I don't know where to begin, so I have started here.

In 1969 my adoption was closed and I don't know what she, my birth mother looks like, smells like or if she thinks about me. Being part of a closed adoption seems so final when things and feelings change over time. I like the previous response from Patrisha about a semi-closed adoption. Since I am scared about meeting my birth mother and finding out the real reason she gave me up, right now I would want to know my medical history.

It is so frustrating going to the doctor or recently I went to the emergency room and had to tell the doctor that I was adopted and I don't know my medical history.

I was having chest pains, I could have said there is heart disease in my family or high blood presure. Fortunately it was an influmation on my ribs but I do have arthritis and I couldn't tell my doctor if anyone else in my family had it.

There are so many heriditary health issues that with the current technology that can be treated with an early detection if they knew what to look for. My medical history begins with me, I have nothing prior.

Having a choice is the right step for newly adopted children. At least they won't go through what I am going through. Something should be agreed upon between both parties that can be modified if situations change as the child gets older.

[litlbear6886]

I can understand completely about medical information. When Catholic Charities gave my parents med info during the adoption, they falsified the info. The only thing listed for medical was diabetes running in bfather's family. That was wrong, there was no bfather info given, but diabetes did end up being something to watch for from bmother's side of family, even though it was not a concern at the time of adoption. The other missing information was about a high occurance of heart defects and disease, and murmurs on the bmother's side. I would think some of that could be important, especially when I do have a rare murmur that was not discovered until I was 26.

[dynamic2003]

Hello Kasey.....I agree with one of your previous statements that "Legal Guardianship" does not "alter" any "birth" information, but gives the aparents [or guardians] the legal "parental rights" to raise the child as their own. It can even stipulate if the achild should have any contact with the bparent [in cases of abuse or neglect and such]. It helps the child to remain aware of their bparents names and circumstance. And I know this, because I did it with my 3 aboys. It doesn't "destroy" their identities much the way adoption [esp. closed/private adoptions can and do]. I also know that because I was "twice" adopted [closed] and here ten years searching, I still have no answers to Who I am, Who I was born to be, Where I came from, and the like. [that hurts more than anything and has left me feeling like my bmom totally disregarded my "true" existence]. That is what made me feel so "abandoned" throughout my life. How can we change the "adoption" laws into "Legal Guardinaships" instead?

DY

[snicklefritz]

I am new to this searching, and I am a disabled housewife. Seems the government thinks a seizure patient can drive back and forth to work! But that isn't the point. I have no money to hire anyone. My puter and the books I could buy is all I would have to do my search. My question to you is this the list of books
that you listed do any of them maybe give you steps to follow. I
was adopted through the Welfare (Pulaski County) Arkansas.
All I know is my birth name was Barbara Sue Fleeman. I want to thank my birthmother for giving me life,and also I am so curious because in 1979 when my adopted mother's family had the nash family tree done, we found out that my Grandmother on her father's sides maiden name was Fleeman as well. Up until 1979
the nash family thought her maiden name was Freeman. After searching grave yards and death cert. it is indeed fleeman, so I am very curious. Any info you could give me on those books would be much appreciated.
Susan Rhea
snicklefritz69@cox-internet.com

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

I really think changing "adoption" laws to "guardianship" law is something we can all wish for. I don't see it happening soon because adoption is BIG business, especially for the lawyers. I am not against adoption, but I am against using babies as products and lawyers as vendors. I best interest of the child should be paramount. Enough Said.