[CherylAnn'56]

Dear Tiger and Others,

I thought about posting this as a response to Tiger’s thread “What Some Adoptees Don’t Understand,” but it became too long and I didn’t want it to detract from her concerns. I am an adoptee born in 1956. I’ve been told my b-mother was 16 years-old at the time. My a- parents were quite well-off, but older. My a-mother (because of many, many mothering deficits in her own childhood) could not mother and was an alcoholic. My a-father was wonderful, but the typical absent ‘50’d dad until he developed degenerative heart disease when I was 10 years-old. I was their only child, and needless to say, after my a-father got sick things when down hill fast.

I’ve had a lot of anger, but little of it towards my b-mother. Some of it appropriately belongs with my a-parents for their parenting deficits. I’ve spent years in therapy working things out (deficits I would have had if I had been their biological child – thank God I wasn’t theirs to inherit alcoholism or heart disease). The vast majority of it, however, lies with our society and the frail systems we have in place to care for abandoned, abused and unwanted children.

[A bit more background before I continue: I’ve been a foster mother for adolescent girls, and a chaplain on a child/adolescent in-patient psychiatric unit. I have struggled with my own infertility and considered the pros and cons of adopting a child myself. And I’ve worked with political advocacy groups.]

Although there is much literature about adoption, I have seen scant studies of our shared socio-cultural, economic and philosophical/theological attitudes about adoption. We, as a nation do not care well for the most vulnerable members of our society. As both a foster mother and a chaplain, time and time again I listened to the horrible pain of children who, after being relinquished or removed from the care of their b-parents, were suffering the cruel indignities of a system which could not begin to offer them adequate care and support and which labeled their understandable emotional pain as pathological. (I’ll spare you all may long, long list of examples.)

As I read the angry posts on this site, and all the horrible stories of a-families which make mine look beguine, reflect on my own feeling of anger, and as I venture to the boards for mothers who have given their babies over to adoption, it becomes more clear to me that it is not the a-parents nor is it the b-parents that deserve our energy and anger – it is our culture and its attitudes, it is our systems of child “welfare” and our national inability to put our money where it can help the most vulnerable among us.

When a parent relinquishes care of a child (or when a child is removed from her/his care) she/he does so on faith that the system will offer that child better care than she/he could provide. The parent assumes that foster or adoptive parents are well screened and well supported by the system. As I have thought about these issues, I have truly come to believe that b-parents do this as an incredible act of faith and hope and love. Sadly, as far to may adoptees can testify the system is far, far from perfect; it betrays child and the b-parents in far too many instances.

I believe that our systemic infrastructure of care is so poor because, as a society, we harbor unexplored and unstudied attitudes, beliefs and assumptions about men and women, sex and power, money, class, race, morality and fecundity. I think that it is these subterranean streams which drive our ill-conceived attempts to offer societal care to abandoned, abused and unwanted children. Here is where our anger really belongs. Here is where we can do the most good for our own lives and for the lives of all our “sisters and brothers” with whom we have shared the in loco parentis of the of this nation’s child welfare systems.

I am not saying that the system doesn’t get it right some times. I know there are many, many good a-families who where well chosen and well supported. I know that there are many, many b-parents who are in well functioning open adoption relationships. My point is that even if you are one of those who are fortunate enough to have had the system work for you, there are far, far too many children (and adults) still suffering as a result of its many flaws and shortcomings. No one is going to speak up for them and us – we must!

And although, I’m sorry to step on the toes of one of the few adoptee activist organizations, very few professional, academic and governmental agencies are going to take seriously a group whose most vocal advocates call themselves Bastard Nation. We need to begin to seriously study, explore, reflect on, write about, talk about, lobby and seek legislating concerning, re-direct funding toward, and offer doable alternatives for the many flawed laws directives which make up the our child “welfare” system.

Sorry about the length.
Sorry about the length.

[Mee Sook]

Kudos for your post... it shows a depth of awareness and a knowledge about issues and gaps in our system as it stands now. It's posts like these that bring about social awareness and hopefully, social policy change... which has large implications in the world of adoption. Thanks...

[REBELHEART]

This is my first time at this web site. I agree with what you say. I'm having a very hard time right now with issues of closure. I searched for my biological family for over 6 yrs. What I found was that my b-mom was already deceased and the man that she told people was my father is not ( paternity test). So, I don't know where to go from here. I've spent my whole adult life looking to find something that I now know I can never have. How do I get over this? Any suggestions?

[sam_i_am_71801]

HERE'S THE BLUE COLLAR VERSION:





THE SYSTEM SSSSSSUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSS!

[raybuffer]

CherylAnn,

I respect your emotion and analysis.

In Bastard Nation's defense, I believe initially their shock value was an asset in the mid to late 1990's. They are still reputed to be the most vocal and influencial adoptee rights organization.

However, I differ with them in that I believe adoptees should demand federal recognition of our rights. That is why I formed ACT (The Adoptees' Caucus for Truth) and developed a petition that has circulated since November. Although I have seen my groups name referred to as Adoptees' "Cactus" for Truth, either way, I believe it is a friendlier, yet perhaps thornier, name than BN.

What really needs to happen for the future of adoptee rights is adoptees need to come together and agree that they may have emotional issues that need to be addressed seperately and in their own time, BUT, agree to work together, unemotionally and focused, for a common unified goal. Until any activism group can muster between 100 to 1000 to 5000 people to march and protest frequently, our rants will remain lost in the chatrooms of the obscure.

The problem thus far is that adoptees are too fragmented by their emotional baggage or denial to unify in large enough volume as to attract the attention of the media and politicians. ACT is working towards that unification, one member at a time.


Ray Buffer
http://www.raybuffer.com

Visit http://adopteerights.cjb.net
and tour all of Ray's Adoptee Activism Sites.

Ray was born September 2, 1969 in West Palm Beach, FL, http://adoptee.cjb.net and is the Moderator of Adoptee Activists on Yahoo at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/adopteeactivists

FIGHT FOR ADOPTEE RIGHTS!

[raybuffer]

Rebelheart,

Though your birthmother is deceased, are you able to trace her geneology? Are you able to locate a grandmother, uncle, or second cousin which might give you a biological connection as well as information about your mother's life? There is information out there, perhaps you will never know your birthfather's identity, but surely there are other avenues that will allow you a certain degree of closure.

I believe closure will come when you truly believe you have exhausted all methods to obtain the truth.

Ray

[karenl39]

I definitely believe in adoptees rights. When I was adopted in 1962, all the information they gave to my adopted parents was lies. I finally found my birthparents and got the truth. Of course, I was rejected by my mother which still stings. I do believe we are entitled to our medical records for the sake of our children. I also believe we are entitled to our birth records and any complications that may have occurred. I also believe we are entitled to our heritage. Not just some made up version I was given. Well, I've spoken.

Karen

[Shauna_pk]

CherlyAnn'56,

I agree with a lot of what you said, but I want people to realize that most of the happy adopted children don't feel a need to search, or come to a message board, or go on t.v. show, or even mention they were ever adopted. This makes the actual number or ratio of happy vs unhappy adopted children hard to ever know. My older brother still says he will never search and my younger sister won't even tell her closest friends she was a dopted. I'm a bit more curious, but if I did find my birthparents, I doubt I would contact them. My life is good. I have a great husband and 3 beautiful teenage kids. The idea of bringing a birthparent into my life is filled with fear. What if they are needy? What if they need emotional or financial support? What if they are in poor health? What if they have burned the bridges to all other family members and they want to rely on me? Am I ready to take on these things or even take on the guilt of not helping?

My opinions are biased because the system got it right for me. I wonder how many other silent adoptees the system got it right for? I don't have the answers but I'm afraid not having the answers might be better than having them. My curiosity is filled with fear.

[karenl39]

I agree too. I am very happy and have always been happy. I was raised by wonderful parents. Most of the adoptees who are happy are not on here and I haven't been until recently. I was curious which is why I found my parents, that was it. I didn't want a relationship with them, just information. I do feel we do have certain rights though one of which is medical information. Being a female with 2 daughters, it would be devastating if I died of breast cancer which could have been prevented had I known about inheriting it. I'm still trying to find out, but don't think it runs in my family. I do know lung cancer does because my Dad died from it. Well, take care!!!

Karen

[raybuffer]

Two things I wish to say for the sake of clarification:

1.) I must be one of those few 'happy' adoptees that are vocal. I an not "searching" because of an unhappy upbringing. I search because there is a part of my past that I am denied knowledge about and frankly, the nerve of it enrages me.

2.) Even if records were opened and every adoptee were to get their original birth certificate, it does not necessarily mean that medical information would be released. Only what is already in the adoption record. Certainly if the adoptee chooses to reunite with the birthparent and the reunion is successful, the birth parent may choose to share medical info with their birthchild. However, no one (save an HIV positive person) is obligated by any law to share their medical status with ANY family member.

What I mean is in "natural" born families, a mother or father may choose to keep medical information from their children in the same way that a birth parent in a triad situation could.

The most we as adoptees searching can hope is that if given information that is rightfully ours to know (our identity through OBC) we can then choose to find out medical information through public information even in the event of a failed reunion. For example, after a phone call to your birthmother she says "Don't contact me again", you might still be able to see that in the newspaper she is the vice president of the local chapter of the American Cancer Society because she is a survivor, or if you spotted her walking down the street with a violent twitch speaking profanely, you might learn she has Turrets Syndrome.

Our right to know our identity will never be a promise to know our medical history, but it is a start, and allows the potential to piece the rest of it together.

Peace,

Ray Buffer
www.raybuffer.com

Visit http://adopteerights.cjb.net
and tour all of Ray's Adoptee Activism Sites.

Ray was born 09/02/1969 in West Palm Beach, FL, http://adoptee.cjb.net and is the Moderator of Adoptee Activists on Yahoo at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/adopteeactivists

[sonata]

To Shauna_pk

I have to disagree with your assertion that "most happy adoptees don't feel a need to search". Perhaps technically you are correct but the statement is misleading. In other words, if you have 100 happy adoptees and 75 of them don't want to search your statement is true BUT the other 25 are still "happy adoptees who want to search".

I think your statement implies that most adoptees who search are unhappy and that is what I disagree with. I contend that happiness, or the lack thereof, with the adoptive family is not the primary factor in whether or not an adoptee chooses to search. (There are plenty of unhappy adoptees who choose NOT to search!)

Statements like that play right into the fears of adoptive parents! Speaking from my generation (born in the 60's) "our" parents thought that if only they loved us enough and made us happy, we would never have any need to know our biological parents. These adoptive parents are the ones who feel threatened by search because they see it as their failure to make us happy. And THAT IS NOT TRUE!!!

You almost make it sound like a "test" that if you are happy you would never search, go on TV, or even tell people you are adopted. (I have to wonder how much "happiness" is indicated by keeping your adoption a secret, but that is a whole other issue!)

Adoption search is not a whole lot different than the millions of non-adoptees who pore over Genealogy.com or Ancestry.com putting together their family trees. Nobody accuses them of being unhappy because they want to know what year their great-great grandfather came to Ellis Island. It is a natural human urge to know where you came from.

Please consider this carefully before you further perpetuate the myth the adoption searches indicate an unhappy, maladjusted person. I'm very happy having "completed" my sense of identity by finding my birth family and you are equally happy not having done so. We are BOTH on this board to share our feelings on all these issues, not because we "failed the test" of being happy with our adoptions! Best wishes, Sonata

[Shauna_pk]

Sonata,

In re-reading what I posted, I should have said many of the adoptees I know or some happy adoptees don't feel a need to search and I doubt many of them are here posting. My opinion was based on myself, my siblings, and a few other families I personally know. I just wanted to let people know, especially adoptive parents, that there may be numerous adoptees that are too content or happy with the way their life turned out to bother searching or posting. I made that post after reading so much stuff here about feeling sad, rejected, or miserable with life only because one was adopted. I don't want to attack anyone with feelings of self-doubt, and I'm not refering to you, but I feel like some adoptees with relationship issues are too quick to blame everything on being adopted.

I use the term "happy adoptees" as a loose description and many of them are here posting. I just wanted to point out that there may be many more of them, like my brother and sister, that will never be heard from.

[CherylAnn'56]

I'm not suggesting anyone should be made to do anything they are not comfortable with and which does not suit their own lives.

What I am suggesting is that all of us have had our lives touched by a child welfare system which fails its charges often and with horrible consequences.

I believe it is incumbent upon us all to take some responsibility for attempting to reform the system. Not because I believe that all adoption records should be thrown open, but because-- and this is especially true for folks with positive adoption experiences-- the energy for true reform will not come from people who have had no experience with the system. And, as is often evidenced on this board, people with less favorable experiences are often still consumed with the very important and appropriate task of healing from the damage they have suffered.

The energy for all significant reform movements has always come from those members of the group who have benefited from the system they are seeking to reform for the good of themselves and others like them. Dr. King and Gandhi were not poor, uneducated men, but well educated members of the middle-class—Dr. King a minister and Gandhi a London-educated lawyer.

The very fact that some have interpreted my post as somewhat of threat to their personal security is indicative off all the work we still need to do. My certain hope is that with closer examination and study of all the facets of our social attitudes in and around adoption and child welfare issues things will not seem so black and white, and we will be able to seek positive and creative change for the good of all.

Quoting another well educated reformer—John F. Kennedy—quoting Robert Frost: “We have promises to keep/ And miles to go before we sleep/ And miles to go before we sleep.”

[raybuffer]

CherylAnn and All,

Your diagnosis is apt. I find it disconcerting when energy is spent by those who profess to have had happy, wonderful adoption experiences, whether intentionally or not, attempting to discredit and disfavor the strides by many triad members to reform the laws. This only perpetuates the status quo. If these souls could take the other fork in the road and support those who write as one writer said, "so much stuff here about feeling sad, rejected, or miserable", while thanking God or whomever else they believe in that they escaped a bad adoption experience; or are simply at peace with having fewer civil rights than non adoptees, then any movement towards reform wouldn't continually stagnate.

As an aside, I have yet to see any posts here (and I have read many) where someone has directly said, "Because I was adopted, I have never had a good relationship", or "I can't get a job and hold it down because of abandonment issues from being adopted". But even if someone did, another person professing how "happy" they are doesnt wash the negative away. The negative still remains. The negative still needs to be addressed.

The people who constantly advertise their positive experiences in a support forum setting might as well just say: "I have had a great adoption experience, there is nothing wrong with the system, everyone else who complains must have done something wrong, lucked out, or maybe they just have other problems".

For the record, I have had a happy wonderful adoption experience, but I do realize the system is not a good one. I believe it needs to federalized by the government and I don't appreciate having fewer rights than non adoptees simply to placate the adoption industry.

Best Regards,

Ray Buffer

Visit http://adopteerights.cjb.net
and tour all of Ray's Adoptee Activism Sites.

Ray was born September 2, 1969 in West Palm Beach, FL, http://adoptee.cjb.net and is the Moderator of Adoptee Activists on Yahoo at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/adopteeactivists

[lemonchutney]

"there may be numerous adoptees that are too content or happy with the way their life turned out to bother searching or posting"

I suspect that being too content and happy is usually not the whole story. Many adoptees who don't search don't have curious minds, are afraid of possible rejection, afraid of appearing disloyal or ungrateful, don't know how to go about searching, can't afford to hire a PI, or don't want to disrupt the status quo (even if the status quo isn't all rainbows and butterflies). People who search aren't necessarily unhappy with their current relationships. As for posting, for me it has nothing to do with happiness. Posting is made up of reading, writing, and discussing, which are the best ways to learn about any topic. I reunited more than a decade ago with my bio-relatives. Still, it enrages me that some bureaucrat can casually flip open my personal files and take a gander, yet I am not allowed to see them!