[cadman101]

It hit me like a ton of bricks the other day, the way I have felt for so long. I finally heard the words that Sheryl Crow was saying.
..wondering why I feel so all alone, why am I a stranger in my own life?
Every day we search, it has nothing to do with blood; it has everything to do with wanting to not be stranger to myself. It has nothing to do with blood, but everything to do about the lies, half lies and quarter truths. How can you find a sense of self if you don't know where your self is from?
Any thought welcome.

[lostwolfpup]

wow as usual cadman, you made me stop and think. You're right, that hits it on the head for me too, sort of. I feel out of place all the time, with my afamily who is supposed to love me and we don't talk about my being adopted, like it never happened, but for me the issue is there regardless of if they talk about it, I still feel it. I feel out of place at work and everywher else. Wierd how that happens, but here's a question. Those of you who have found your birthparent(s) did it change the feeling of being lost for you? Or did it just shift it to a new kind of feeling lost? I mean they are your biological family but it's not like you grew up with them and all, so it must feel wierd there too right? Hmmmmmm more food for thought.

[lisalu]

I found my birthfamily last year. In a way I do still feel "lost". It was a positive experience and answered a lot of questions for me. I now have TWO families that love me. BUT...

As you guessed, there is always that feeling of not quite belonging anywhere. Here's whats weird. With my adoptive family I feel like I "belong" to my immediate family that I grew up with. But I never felt like I "belonged" to all the ancestors! When my parents mentioned things like, "Your Great-great Grandma So-and-So" I never felt a connection. I felt related to my immediate family because we had a relationship but that's as far as it went.

It is the OPPOSITE with my birthfamily! Their ancestors ARE my ancestors. That is what I wanted all my life - to have REAL ancestors! But when I'm with them, even though they love me, I don't really "belong". They have a history together that I don't have. I feel like a beloved but long lost relative. (which is what I am!)

And I do feel caught in the middle. Who do I REALLY BELONG TO? I guess in a way I belong to them all. A part of me here and a part of me there. But all the parts don't really come together. Does that make sense? I don't know if I've explained it well but yes, there is that "shift" in the feeling of being lost if that answers your question.

[cadman101]

That is great that you found your birth family lisalu. You say that in a way you still feel lost. Is it adoptee driven, society driven or both like me? I feel that I cannot find my center if I do not know where I came from. Now part of that is my own self pity and selflessness, which I should be able to control. Part is also society telling us what we can and cannot see. What we can or cannot do. And if we follow the sheep herder (yes Mr. Sheep dog, I will go the way you want me to), we will not be criticized or ridiculed. The same with adoptees. Not to say that my adoptive family was better for me, weather people want to believe it or not, when you have been adopted, there is still a stigma. It may not be conscience, but it is there. I saw it in my adoptive family growing up and still see it to this day. I know that they do not mean it, but it is there. To this day when my sister calls she says, "Where is my mom or my dad", like it is a possession thing. There a very few things in this life that can help have that sense of self. But in order that receive that sense, in front of us is the biggest obstacle and controller of them all...........
LIES
Lies control everything, from what we think to what we do. All for control over someone/something to benefit another individual. How many relationships have been ruined by even one of what seems like almost nothing of a "white" lie? It just grows into one giant mess of a web.
So much so that when you are telling the truth, people still say, "you wouldn't lie to me...would you?" Not to say that I have not lied in my life, but over that past 7 years, I have devoted myself to being honest with myself, only then can you be honest with everyone else.
It is not an easy road when the start of this life is built on a foundation of LIES.

A nut is just a future tree holding its ground-David Icke

[LostAndLonely]

I'm a 16-year-old adoptee...and all of my life, I've known I was adopted. Equally, all of my life I've felt a sense of loss, and out of place...not with my adoptive family, really...they're extremely loving and warm and I see them as my family, and thats that. But with my friends...Ive never really fitted in with any group, and I dont know why....there's just always been an underlying sense of...something...I cant explain. Lol, sorry Im not making much sense but I'm pretty new to these boards...

x rosie x

[cadman101]

LostAndLonely-
You make complete sense. I have known from an early age that I was adopted and that sense of out of place has always been there. People always thinking that I am weird and not from this planet. Always making the obscure references.
I guess that I have two options. Until my foundation can be torn down and rebuilt from the rubble of LIES will I find myself. Or I can do what I have been trying to do, change the way that I have thought for so long, dwell on the positive, focus the negative towards that. It is a daily struggle.
love and happiness to all....

[catslife]

LostandLonely
Reading your message brought back so many memories for me about something being missing. I am now 50 years old & growing up was such a struggle for me, so much time wasted on lies as Cadman says. I also knew from the beginning I was adopted but never talked about it outside of the house, it just was not something you did. Of course I know my adoptive mom had something to do with that, almost on daily basis she would tell me how grateful I should be towards her, how she saved me from a life of starvation, little did she know that it was starvation of love that I was suffering from. I also had to show her how grateful I was living in her house by cleaning it from top to bottom once a week. Their birth daughter didn't have to do anything, it was very clear from the begining what my place was.

I did everything I could think of to please her but failed , found out much later in life that she just didn't like me and that around my 12th birthday wanted to send me back!! She had a birth daughter & an adoptive son & that was enough, she didn't want me anywhere around her, nade that very clear. She will never know the rejection and sadness I felt, how does one have self esteem, how do you feel that anyone will love you if not one but 2 women didn't want you??

And as Cadman so eloquently said it...the lies, the lies... I told so many. No one in my life besides my family ever knew of my adoption because if they did, who could ever like/love me?? When I finally turned 18, I graduated from high school (it was a glorious Jaunuary) I moved out. My mother was so angry (altho she knew I was going to) she went to my high school and spoke to my homeroom class and told them my history!! I found out about this at my 10th high school reunion, I was so humiliated!! All the lies I had told my whole life, now they all knew, I couldn't get out of there fast enough. To this day when ever I go back home if I happen to see any of my friends I go the other way, crazy huh??

Time does not heal all wounds..........

[lisalu]

Don't worry. You are making perfect sense. There are adoptees here of all different ages. You are one of the younger ones posting here. But even at your age you recognize that sense of loss that is there no matter what. It doesn't really have anything to do with whether or not your adoptive parents loved you. Mine do, very much, but I always felt that vague sense of loss just like you do.

It's hard enough being 16 as it is! But you sound like a mature young woman. In just a few years you will be at a place in your life where you can search for your birthmother if you want to. It can help answer some of the questions that haunt adoptees and lead to that "lost" feeling.

In the meanwhile, don't hesitate you share your feelings. You are completely normal. I'm wondering if your adoptive parents are open to talking about this with you. Supposedly your parents are of a more "enlightened" generation than the parents of most of us here. (In fact I have a son just your age!)

We are here too, any time you want to talk to people who have been where you are. Take care, Lisalu

[Victoria Varela]

Dear Cadman, I grew up in a orphanage and have also had acts carried out by other's that changed my life to where I gave my children up for adoption. I have 2 of them back in my life but am searching for my son. The statement I would like to make is my own peace I have found and may help you. I have been unable to find why my parent's could not raise me but have found by searching myself and my action's that I am who I am not who my parent's are. I had no different childhood than anyone else and have become a wonderful person. I realized that I am able to love so someone must have hugged me, I am able to cry so someone must have shared hardship with me, I am able to succeed so someone helped give me knowledge, and I am able to give, so someone must have given me what I needed. So actually I am no different than anyone who was raised by their parents because I received all the nutrition as a child to become a wonderful adult. May you find yourself and who you are. You can than create a beautiful family and childhood with your actions.

[essex bird]

Hi i am a 40yr old adoptee who was the queen of not knowing myself until recently i accepted that i am alcoholic the reason for this may have something to do with being adopted i will never know for sure but i am begining to relize that finding my bmum isn't more important to me than finding myself which is very slowly starting to happen to me thanks to this site first of all for allowing me to vent my feelings which i had never been able to do before and also to AA who are giving me the tool's to find myself so what i am trying to say is at the end of the day if you find your Bfamily great what a bonus but please try to find you first you are worth more.
Good Luck Tracy

[cadman101]

Thanks for your kind words and stories. I am not searching to find out "why" I was given up. I am searching to find my beginning. How can we find where we want to end when we don't know where we started from? I know who I am as a society created person, but I want to find who I am as an individual.

You will also notice that I requested that astark be removed. I apologize if anyone got offended by this persons remarks.
Lets keep it going!

[sam_i_am_71801]

TERRIS' POEM WAITING TO BE REUNITED:

WHO AM I
I HAVE NO CLUE
FOR I HAVE NO BEGINNING
JUST A MIDDLE AND END
TO PASS ALONG
TO MY KIN

WHO DO I LOOK LIKE
FOR I CAN'T SEE
MY MOTHER AND FATHER
WHO GAVE LIFE TO ME

DO I HAVE A SISTER
OR BROTHER
I MAY NEVER KNOW

WHO DO I LOOK LIKE
FROM WHERE DO I COME
I KNOW NOT YET
BUT THERE IS SOMEONE

MY HERITAGE
I MAY NEVER KNOW
FOR THE STATE
HAS SEALED MY FATE
WITH A PROMISE THAT'S VERY CLEAR
NO REUNION
FOR YOU MY DEAR:

SHARON POEM, AFTER REUNION:

WHO WAS I
I HADN'T A CLUE
UNTIL THAT MOMENT
WHEN I MET YOU

WHO DO I LOOK LIKE
I NOW CAN SEE
MY MOTHER AND FATHER
STANDING BEFORE ME

I HAVE TWO SISTERS
AS CUTE AS CAN BE
MY CHILDREN HAVE COUSINS
A FAMILY ARE WE

MY HERITAGE
I NOW KNOW
FROM WHAT SEEDS
THAT I WAS SEWN

THE STATE DID NOT WIN
IT'S PLAIN TO SEE
I NOW HAVE MY FAMILY
SHARING LIFE WITH ME:

TO ALL SEARCHERS HELP IS ON THE WAY!

[sam_i_am_71801]

Dear lisalu,

I found my family in 99......I had always had a feeling of not belonging in my adopted family.........didn't feel that I was good enough....because I wasn't blood........but they are the ones that constantly reminded me that I was the outsider......they had 3 children ' biological ' of their own. When I found my birth family.....about 2 months after the fact I picked up and moved to where they were to get to know them.....as a matter of fact I moved in with them for 2 years...............yes I do feel and know that I do belong. And it was with them all along. My story is a little different than some. I was made to feel that I did not belong. It wasn't out of spite that I moved in with my parents. It was to honestly get to know them. I needed that. And in getting to know them, I began to know myself. All the pieces fit together now. I wouldn't be the person that I am today had it not been for what I went through as a child. I had to find all the answers within myself. I just didn't want to look. After I found my birth family I grew to find the courage to take a good long look at myself and face all of my insecurities, faults and weaknesses. Once I did that, I could begin to grow..........

[Victoria Varela]

I use to also believe that since I had no family to find out about that I could not start at the beginning of my life to find myself, then I relized I'm still here and I did have a childhood and family growing up. I did find alot of answer's by understanding one thing, my parent's where both alcholics and could not raise children, now that I am older I realize that I am lucky to have grown up in a place that went by scheduling and was operated by the teaching's of Jesus Christ and because of this even though I have alchol inherited gene's I am able to have the strength to live my own life. Once I realized that what my parent's did was for the best and that I was given the strength to share insight with other's. I believe when the bible is talking of those of us that are created and sent her for good are the one's who truly are suffering and are then given the answer so they may help other's. We have to live and suffer and then find our way in life to be able to teach the way to Christ. Everyone I have spoke to has stated when they recieved freedom from the pain, that it was when they really believed that the Lord was in control of it and that they where now safe. Mine the same. I understand the other. Goodluck

[dpen]

I am so shocked at some of the cruelty exhibited by some people. I am ever so grateful that i was made to feel special by my aparents and the extended family. BUT I also felt the not belonging part. Blood wise , My dad will say your family came from this part of Italy,,,hmmmm..not really. I do believe he has forgotten we are adopted!