Hi,

I was adopted by my maternal grandparents, so I know that side of my family, as well as my birth mother. However, I would like to meet some of my other relatives. Particularly, a half sister I know that I have. She was born to my birth mother when I was about 3 and was adopted outside our family. My birth mom moved in with us while she was pregnant, but I guess I was too young to remember the pregnancy, because I did not know anything about my sister until I was 11.

My adopted mother told me, but she gave me very little information. She knew the city where my sister was adopted, but could not remember for sure what they named her. Well, my adopted mother died when I was 12, so she is not here to support me in my hope to find my sister.

I know I probably need to talk to my birth mom about it, but the truth is, I'm afraid to. She does NOT talk about these things with anyone. She has 2 more children now with a man she married, and she could not even tell them why I lived with Grandpa instead of them. They had to ask me. They thought I chose to leave our mother. I want to think she has information about my sister, but who knows since she is so closed up about it. I think some of my other relatives might actually have received updates about her from the adoptive family. I am working up the courage to talk to them about it, but I know that even if I do, at some point I will have to talk to my mother about it. It is also kind of a bad time to bring things up with her as she is going through a divorce.

Then there are also the issues of whether or not my sister wants to meet me, how her adopted family would feel about it, etc. I will be 21 soon, so I am guessing that my sister is 17 or 18. I don't know what to do. I really want to find her but I am worried about confrontation, with my family and with her adopted family, as well as my sister herself. I worry that she might be angry that I was adopted by family while she was given away. My husband has been very supportive but I would like to get advice from someone who might be able to relate to my situation. Thank you.

Well, I finally made an attempt to open up the lines of communication with my birth mom about my birth father & my half sister that was adopted out of the family. I don't know how she'll respond yet since I chose to do it over email, 1. because I was nervous about bringing up the subject and 2. so she has some time to process the emotions thinking about the past might bring up. But I did it, and even if she doesn't tell me anything, at least she now knows I'm searching, and in my opinion that should make it okay for me to continue my search and possibly talk to other family members about it, who might be able to give me information. Because at least now I would not be going behind her back!

I know it might seem silly that it was so hard for me to talk to my bmom about this, especially when I want to know about my sister so much, but somewhere along the line the desire to make everyone happy got ingrained in me. And I know me bringing this up with my bmom is not exactly going to make her happy, at least not at first.

[KilleDowns]

congrats on getting up the courage to let your bmom know how you feel and that you want to find these people. I wish you the best of luck on your search, and on the relationship with your bmom.

I talked to my mom, & now I know a lot more, not just about the people I was wondering about, but my very own adoption story!

I was originally not be adopted. I had begun to suspect this, partially because my adoption didn't go through till November (I was born in Feb.), and also because when I got married and had to change my name with Social Security, my bmom was listed as my parent, not my amom.

My bmom started out wanting to keep me, though she was 19 and lived with her parents. She started getting checks from the state since she was a low-income single parent. However, being young and naive, she didn't know these checks were specifically for rent only. Well, they found out she lived with her parents and the state told her she owed them months worth of money! They scared her into signing my adoption papers. She thinks they may have even been lining up adoptive parents for me as soon as they found out about the debt (but before she signed the papers). Well, she got home and had to tell her mom, and both were crying like crazy and her mom...picked me & my things up and took off!

She hid with me at her parents house while my grandpa tried to get them to revoke the papers releasing me for adoption. They said it couldn't be undone. I don't know exactly how that turned out, but the compromise at the end was that I was adopted by my grandparents!

I can't believe the state did that to her...pressuring a 19-year-old into adoption without even giving her a chance to talk to her family or anything! Yet I can believe it...since I've already read the story too many times here.

With my sister...my mom was pressured by her father (my adad). Basically told she was going to give up the child and that's that. Once again she was in the situation where she had no money. So, she gave her up for adoption, with many, many regrets. She even went to a legal office to see if there was any chance of her getting my sister back. But of course, no. But now, my sister requested to see our mom a couple years ago. But mom said no.

This came as kind of a shock to me, because I would go see her without hesitation. But it's obvious that my mom is afraid that my sister will hate her. She says she's not ready to face that. But given the fact that my sister wanted to see her, I highly doubt that. I don't know how to relay that to her...I tried to help her see things from an adoptee's point of view...how yes, there are many emotions, but generally if you feel hate you don't want to MEET them...maybe get medical records, but they could probably already have access to those because she was adopted by a friend of a family member.

I WANT to meet my sister. But I know I can't do it if my mom isn't ready to. What should I do? I'm thinking of asking my mom if it's okay if I request a meeting with my sister & I go meet her alone, then I can judge the situation so my mom can know what to expect, and if everything goes well, then she can meet my sister. Or would that be pressuring her too much? I don't know. I worry that since she did turn down a visit already, anger and hurt will be built up in my sister. I want my sis to know that it's not that mom doesn't care, and I want her to know that *I* care...I feel like I need to tell her that.

And, I have to figure out what to do about my bdad now that I have a little more info. I'm kind of on overload right now.

[KilleDowns]

Well, my advice would be to try to contact your sister. You should have rights in the situation too, and if its something you've always wanted. Also, if your sister wanted to meet your mom, then chances are she'd be thrilled to get to know you too. She probably just doesn't even know you exist yet. Good luck with everything and keep us posted.

I do plan on contacting my sister at some point. But I thought I would give my bmom a little time to think it over, now that she knows I want to meet my sister. So right now I'm in the process of contacting my bfather. I don't think I could handle contacting more than one long-lost relative at a time, so this is putting my contact with sister on hold for a bit. Thanks for your support!