[Laura Palmer]

Recently found my birth uncle in England. Says my birthmom is still here in the US (she was born in England). Will not give me medical info., birthmom's married name, or any information. His first 2 letters seemed to be friendly, but right before Christmas, he stated she was "supposedly ill". I'm waiting for a letter back from him as we speak. It's very hard though. Have lots to deal with. I had a good adopted life, but always felt I did not belong, I felt abandoned by her. And now to find her after 5 years of searching, it's all a big let down. I do understand it must have been a hard thing for her to do, but what about the trauma that we as adoptees suffer? Do we not have the right to gain medical info., etc.? Sometimes life isn't very fair! Sometimes I wish I never carried on my search til the end. I still don't know who I am!! Thanks for listening!!!

[epenn922]

Hi Laura,

I know exactly how you feel. I have a long post going in birthfamily thread - Bmom got atty after me for a Xmas card. I found my bmom 5 years ago and she has flat out refused to give me any info. No medical info, nothing. In those years, I've sent her two postcards and this year, I decided to send you a Christmas card. It was very nice (had a picture of her grandchildren on it) and said - please don't shut me out for the rest of our lives because of how I came into yours. And, as the post says, she had her atty contact me and tell me that I'm causing physical and emotional illness. If I send her anything else, they will consider it harrassment and take appropriate action.

I do not know how someone can give birth and then not even give their child the time of day when they're found. I was totally disregarded. It was a horrible emotional blow, so I wrote a scathing letter to her attorney. It was so raw that my husband and friends became "concerned" about me. But, I let it all out in that letter and I have felt terrific about it since. What I found so terribly frustrating was that she couldn't even acknowledge my existence. I felt like that infant, all over again, crying and her not responding - just walking away from me before I had the words to tell her how much it hurt.

I contacted her daughters (my half-sisters) and got a letter telling me that I was a skeleton in the closet. I didn't write back telling her that I am truly flesh and blood and not a skeleton.

I don't regret searching or finding her. I'd always rather have the truth for what I can conjure up in my head is way worse.

I have requested that this website opens up a "rejection" board. I believe that there are more of us than anyone realized. I also feel badly for the bmoms doing the rejecting. How proud could you be of yourself if your child finds you, reaches out for you and you turn cold away?

I pray that you can still find peace. It's an awful feeling to have your "mother" leave you twice.

Elaine

[kchayet]

I think this forum should have its own adoption program.

I mean, there are a TON of bmoms (and a few bdads) searching, filled with love, and respect for their given-up child...
And there are a ton of adoptees, just wanting to *find* that. The adoptees also have love and respect, and thanks...

Both sides have what the other wants. I know that everyone is searching for a specific person, but, until they find them, I think bparents and adoptees should become epals, and adopt each other.

Oh, aparents could get in there too. They love their child for who they are, not what blood runs through their veins. And thats awesome.

Any takers?

..I think its a good idea.

And yes, there needs to be a "rejection" board too! There are soo many people on this board that need that. Both parents, and adoptees.

Laura, I (and everyone else) am always here to listen. And talk, if you would like. *hug* good luck!!

Sincerely,
Kristina

[Laura Palmer]

Hi Elaine & thanks for the info. At least I know it only isn't happening to me. I'm new at this rejecting thing. I started searching about 4 or 5 years ago. I recently found on August 20, 2002. Right before Xmas I got the same thing that my birthmom is very ill & if I feel the need to contact (my birth uncle) him again he will try to answer my questions. I don't think my birth mom had any other children. I shocked him with the first letter & he wrote back saying I never knew my sister had a baby! Did you at least get a picture of your bmom? I'm hoping I do, but am seriously doubting it. Thanks again, Sue (Laura Palmer)

[VANICE]

When an adoptee searches and finds their biological parent/parents, they are taking a chance on rejection. Before, I found my Bio-Dad, I had to come to terms with that outcome before started to look. I talked with a Judge that deals with many adoptions and he said finding the Bio-parents can be very emotionally risky. An adoptee lives with rejection most of their life. To find a Bio-parent and have this a second time is very hurtful. So, it is a big chance or gamble in life. Mine was successful, but many or not. I had prepared myself for the worse and had made up my mind to live with the consequences. Continuing to send letters and cards to a Bio-parent that does not want to have anything to do with you, serves no purpose. You are adding fuel to the reasons they do not want to have a relationship. Give up and live the life that is given to you. It is the guilt that the Bio-parent cannot face. They feel punished, so leave them alone.

[Laura Palmer]

Thanks for the advice, Vanice. I know I'm taking it too personally. I have a good family & that's all that should matter. It makes it easier just knowing that I am not alone in this rejection thing! Thanks! Sue (Laura Palmer)

[shirleyville]

I guess I now qualify for the ranks of the "rejected." It is definitely hard to get used to after a gazillion years of searching and hoping and waiting for the day when I could sign my posts with "Joyfully Reunited With Birthmother and Family".
I was rejected last Tuesday. I was working with a CI, who had been on the case since the latter part of October. After many dead ends, she finally located my birth Aunt and her husband -- apparently because they are "prominent people" (whatever that means). She called and left numerous messages for them, but they were away on a vacation. After about a week, she finally reached my Uncle, and he gave her my birthmother's phone number. She dialed it, and reached her on her first try. When she tried to verify who she was, my mother denied even being the person my CI was looking for, and hung up.
The next day, my Aunt called my CI and told her that my mother knew INSTANTANEOUSLY what the CI was calling about and that she couldn't face talking to her....my mother had authorized my Aunt to deliver the message that she wants no contact whatsoever.
Apparently, my Aunt, Uncle and my mother's husband spent all night talking to my mother, trying to convince her that contact with me would be a good thing -- but she would hear nothing of it......nor would she grant permission for my Aunt to have a relationship with me, which my Aunt very much wanted.
My mother said that she had been living in dread of that call for 38 years and that it was her worst nightmare.
It's a very hard blow to take -- hearing that. I waited until I finished talking to my CI before I cried......and even then, I didn't cry a lot. I've had a few "moments" here and there since, but I don't really feel like crying.
I'm not angry about it.....and I understand that she is quite obviously in extreme pain -- has been for 38 years. I also know the terror she must have felt hearing my CI on the other end of the line. If this was, as she said, her worst nightmare, then I can only imagine that she felt backed into a corner, faced by the demons she has given all too muc power to, over the years. What I feel, mostly, is pain for HER....and hope that she can now move on, knowing that she has had the power to say "no".
I do realize, as well, that the pain that I feel for ME is not so much pain that I feel for Sally the "adult", but more so for "little baby Sally". You see, I have been one of those adoptees who truly believed in the idea that my birthmother wanted to keep me more than life itself and that she was either forced to relinquish me, or that she just couldn't because she was too young, or too ill-equipped, financially. Now, I know that she was 21 years old, and that she never wanted me at all....she wanted it to be over and done with. That is what makes me hurt for "little baby Sally." I can't imagine the stress hormones that my mother and I shared for nine months while she was waiting for the day when she could move on and never look back. Our "parting" was not bitter sweet, but rather a relief for my mother. And THAT hurts.
BUT, more than anythng, I hurt for her....and for her family that she is denying contact with me. I have siblings (at least four) who know nothing of me (and never will, according to my birthmother) and an Aunt who is out there waiting for me with open arms -- arms that will never be filled because my birthmother won't allow it.
My Aunt is compiling some medical history for me....and I was allowed to write a short, non-identifying "thank you note" to her.
It may very well be the only chance I have to communicate with my birthfamily, and I hope that I made a good impression.
It's odd to find myself in the ranks of the "rejected", but I am a much better and stronger person for having at least tried.
Hugs to all,
Sally

[epenn922]

How about finding your aunt yourself? Your bmom can't dictate who her sister talks to - or her adult children talk to for that matter. I'm sure that I'd find the aunt. I wouldn't want to live with the "what ifs". Why not exhaust every possibility? I've been shot down by everyone on my maternal side, but it was up to each person to decide if they wanted a relationship with me or not. Once your rejected by your bmom, if there are any other rejections, they don't really sting at all.

Elaine

[shirleyville]

Elaine,
I will see what I can do about looking for my Aunt, once I see what the outcome is from the note I sent her. My CI is sending the note along with the forms, closing the case. I am VERY MUCH hoping that once my Aunt reads the note and sees my pictures, she will take them to my birthmother and make another attempt at convincing her to at least allow HER contact. Maybe reading the note, and seeing the pictures -- as well as the time she has had to sort of "regroup" and think about things, might make her rethink about signing the papers.....maybe, maybe not.
We will see. :-)
I also have no idea where to even begin looking. I have no idea what town they are in -- or what STATE for that matter. I don't know my birthmother's name or the name of her sister.....I know basically nothing more than I did before, except that my birthmother is married and has at least four kids....all younger than I am......my Aunt and Uncle are "prominent" people -- whatever that means, and my birthmother was born in 1943.
That's the long and the short of it......I do know her parents were from Kentucky and Tennessee, and that my grandfather was a farmer and my grandmother was a housewife. My birthmother was born in Indiana.
I am pretty much back to where I started from, as far as the search itself.
Hopefully, if God has it in His plan, I won't have to worry about it.
We'll see!
Hugs,
Sally

[shirleyville]

Acutally, my birthmother IS signing the forms....she just didn't want them sent to HER house....she refused to give her address, and everything is being sent to her thru my Aunt. My Aunt will receive the forms on the day that she receives my note. They will arrive together....and then presumably, she will take the forms over to my mothers and she will sign them.
Just didn't want you to be operating under the wrong assumptions. :-)
There are forms being sent in the packet to my Aunt for registry with ISSR....she can find me there if she wants to.....the state can't interfer with any searching we do on our own. If she were to sign on to this forum one day and see me here, there is nothing anyone can do about it. My Aunt can post anywhere she'd like, looking for me on her own.........once the papers are signed -- my "contract" with the state to cease and desist any personal searching is over.
Believe me...it will be awhile before I think about anything else, search wise.....I need to absorb all that has already occured....and maybe I will never do another thing. That remains to be seen.....I am certainly not up for more pain at this point! ;-)
Thanks for being my friend!! I value your thoughts and opinions greatly!!
Hugs,
Sally

[shirleyville]

I am registered EVERYWHERE!!! :-) If my Aunt looks anywhere, she will find me! I just have no idea if she's even computer saavy -- she's older.....but she may look. Who knows!?
And NO....I would NEVER EVER try to see my mother.......I respect and love her too much to EVER do that to her! She's made her decision, and I respect that entirely. There is always the slim chance that my Aunt can convince her to hold on to the papers and not sign them for awhile....until she has had the chance to absorb all that has happened. I want her to do what she needs to for herself, tho.........if being able to put this all behind her permanently is what she needs to do for her own well being, then that is what I want her to do. It is the only gift I can give to her....and I give it freely.
I will make sure I keep everyone posted on what I get in the packet from my Aunt.....
Thanks a million --- and a million hugs!
Sal

[Laura Palmer]

Hi Sally & thanks for sharing. I too have an uncle who believes my birthmom should contact me. I believe I am the only child my birthmom had, though. But whatever her decision is, I will try & accept it. My birthmom was 31 years old when she had me. So I too believed what my adopted parents told me--that she loved me very much & just could not keep me. When you realize the truth it kind of hurts. I'm hoping my birth uncle in England sends me a little bit about my medical, but I'm not sure, I seem to be getting the cold shoulder now. If you need to talk you can email me. Thanks again! Sue (laura palmer)

[VANICE]

I talked with my Bio-Dad this week-end. I asked him what it was like the few weeks after he got my letter, as he was waiting to meet with me. He said that many emotions went through his mind. He said that his biggest fear was that I was going to be angry with him and make him feel bad. He said there were days, that he tried to talk himself out of meeting with me. He said that he was never so scared in his whole life as he was waiting and wondering. The mode of contact is very important, Adoptees. Don't call and don't show up at their door. Write a letter and let the words be full of love and forgiveness. Don't contact any family member except the Bio-Parent (unless deceased). Give them at least 3 or 4 weeks to think about meeting with you. Your letter will mean everything. The biggest problem is if the Bio-Parent feels pressured and not given time to come to terms with the idea of talking with you. THEY ARE SCARED. Remember, Adoptee, you have great power over your Bio-Parent, at contact.

[Laura Palmer]

Thanks! And good luck with your reunion. Sue

[lovebugg]

I'm just starting my search and I'm scared. i don't have any of my birth family to talk to , we were all split up. the main reason I had not started sooner was becuase I have heardstories of rejection and I don't want that to happen to me.my prayers are with all of us, but it is better to have tried than not.