[staceyj26rn]

Hi! My name is Stacey and i was born on 12-12-1976 at providence hospital in southfield michigan at 9:43 am..i am desperately trying to find any member of my birth family for medical history....i was adopted through catholic social services in detroit michigan...around january 1977 i just had my 26th birthday, and i have always wondered if they ever think of me...i have 2 children of my own and could never imagine giving them up..and if i did , i know a day would not go by that they wouldnt be in my thoughts...anyways..i am very hostile toward this woman...i have alot of questions for this person that i need answered..Thank god i was adopted into a wonderful family that gave me all the oppurtunities i have had..

[sonata]

You know what Stacey? I have posted on this forum for quite some time and I have NEVER presumed to sit in judgement on anyone here. But, honey, you need to just slow down and make a complete attitude check before you go ONE STEP FURTHER in your search.

Obviously at this point in your life you are way too immature to search for and find your birthmother. You must think the world revolves around you and no one else ever went through pain and heartache. You obviously have no desire to put yourself in someone else's place and even consider why they did what they did.

Yes, Stacey, it is possible your mother was a horrible human being who "hated" you and just "gave you away". Possible, but almost certainly NOT TRUE! For God's sake she could have left you in a dumpster or had an abortion. Do you honestly think she got pregnant just so she could give her child away and make your life miserable? How the heck do you KNOW she's never thought about you? Don't you know that the records are closed to her - she CAN'T come back and find you!

You need to get your attitude straight. I feel sorry for your birthmother if you ever do find her with this huge chip on your shoulder. If you have such bitterness toward her and your adoptive parents are so wonderful then you ought to just leave it alone. At the very least you need to read some of the birthmother's stories and get a realistic perspective before you go any further. Sonata

[Pumpkin]

Dear Stacey,

I have to agree with Sonata. Odds are that your bmother felt that she had no choice and that she loved you very much. Even in the 1970's women were still under a lot of pressure and some were heavily coerced into relinquishment. Without knowing all of the facts and the circumstances it would be very unfair to make any judgements.

I think it would help if you took a closer look at what you are angry about and why. Those issues need to be resolved before you go into reunion. To search for the sole purpose of having questions answered, and with no intention or desire to have a relationship with your bmother would be in my opinion very cruel. Many adoptees harbor some anger about being adopted. We certainly had no choice. Those feelings a valid. I would even say that this can be a positive thing for you. Many adoptees are in complete denial about their feelings of anger and loss, and those feelings only surface after reunion. However, it is unfair to place the blame on your bmother and target your anger towards her.

I hope that you will continue to research everything that is available on the subject of reunions, and that you find the support and understanding that you need. It can be a very complex and confusing ordeal, and also a very wonderful and healing experience for all involved.

Peace,

-Pumpkin

[shirleyville]

Hi, Stacey!
First and foremost, I am VERY happy that you were adopted by such a wonderful family!! A close bond with family is incredibly important whether you are a biological family or one touched by adoption. It's touching to know that you are thankful for the people in your life who gave you all of the "opportunities" that you speak of.
My one thought in all of this is that perhaps you should soften your approach and thought process a bit to at least let in the concept that your birthmother gave you the most important opportunity of ALL......the chance to LIVE! You would not be here to love or be loved in return by your wonderful family had she not cared enough to give you life. The simply reality of the fact that you are here, on this earth, today, is a testimonial to the strength and courage of your birthmother, and her love for you.
I am an adoptee, relinquished at birth in 1964, and I can tell you with all the honesty in my heart, that I have never ONCE harbored one single ill-thought or feeling toward my birthmother. I was raised in a very loving home, surrounded by people who care for me in ways that amaze me -- but that does not lessen the love that I have for my birthmother. I consider her to be as much a part of my life (although I have never met her) as I do my parents and my extended family.......she gave me the opportunity to be who I am today. Without her choice to give birth to me, my family wouldn't have me ---- neither would yours.
I'm certainly not telling you how to think or feel -- or making light of your feelings.....your thoughts and feelings are your own and no one can take those away from you, nor do they have the right to tell you they are "wrong" -- I am just asking you to open yourself up a little to ALL of the opportunites you have been given. Not just the opportunities you have been given by your family --- you wouldn't HAVE those opportunities if it weren't for the woman you seem to harbor so much hostility toward.
Hugs,
Sally

[TeriBachMFT]

Stacey
I can certainly understand your anger. While what other people have written is certainly true, many adoptees feel the rage you do. I do think much of the rage is about feeling abandoned, rejected, unwanted, etc. by your bmother and your feelings of anger are put on her. Very understandable. I hope that you look at your anger and try to work through it. It is only hurting you.

When your anger is lessened, you may realize other things about your bmother. Best wishes.

[staceyj26rn]

i am not that angry at her per say..i am more angry that i have no medical background that is what i am mad about..i think that is very important info to have...

[buzzescobar@msn]

stacey,
anger is not good in any form. please find a way to work through it before it destroys you. my sister was adopted out and i was not. i was raised in foster homes instead. i have searched for my sister for about 20 yrs and she herself is probably angry too.
and that is not my fault. i have always thought of my sister, prayed for my sister and alway, but always, loved my sister.
i remember her every birthday and buy her a card, but dont ever send it because there is no where to send it to. this christmas
was exrememly difficult as i am no longer a spring chick, sort of speak. i cried for my sister all day long....my point being that unless you have all the facts there is really nothing to be angry about. anger only robs you of further oppurtunities that you may have and hurts the one person who really truly loves you.
god bless you, i will pray for you as well
maryann