[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

My name is Kasey Hamner, M.S. I am an adoptee in reunion, a School Psychologist, and author of "Whose Child?"
I am looking for:

1) Questions for the "Ask Kasey" column

2) Search and/or reunion stories

3) Book reviews of adoption-related books you have read

4) Upcoming adoption-related events (worldwide)

5) Search information for "Search Center"

6) Adoption-related announcements (upcoming books, support groups, plays, meetings, events, etc.)

The journal is titled "Kasey's Korner." This is a FREE journal that will be delivered by email only.

Please spread the word. There will be no charge for submissions. All those who are touched by adoption, either personally and/or professionally, are welcome to submit. As you know, I am also interested in hearing from Late Discovery Adoptees and those touched by Donor Insemination as well.

Thank you,

Kasey Hamner
author of "Whose Child?"

[MerryJane]

As an adoptee I really felt like my amom adopted me for kudos for her. She did not love me and had a jekyl and hyde personality. I wish adoptive parents would realize that adoptees are so hurt and confused and that they should not take OUR pain personally. Kasey, I read Whose Child? and LOVED it, now I am reading Adoptin Forum and I will get back to you. Thanks for all you do.

[BettyPsych]

To MerryJane,
It really hurts when I hear about how some adoptees are/were treated. I always recommend that adoptive parents go to counseling to deal with their infertility issues (if any) before even considering adoption. Once they decide to adopt, then they need to be prepared for the inevitable ups and downs. Making a child feel welcome in a forever family is crucial. How do you go about doing that? Well, have a "adoption day" party, and celebrate it every year. Don't ever treat your adoptive child differently than your other children. Children are very perceptive. They know the score. I always like to say, "if you love them, they will know; if you don't love them, they will know and they will struggle with intimacy and relationships for the rest of their lives."

[GraceLaurel17]

I've always known I was adopted. My parents had my Certificate of Adoption hanging in my room since I can remember. One day I asked them what it meant.

They explained it to me like this: For years and years we couldn't have a baby of our own. We were so sad and wanted so much to have a little son or daughter to love. Then there was a very special lady that had a beautiful baby girl, but she just couldn't take care of it, as much as she loved her baby. That special lady knew there were nice people who COULD take care of her little girl, who were waiting and waiting to "adopt"...so because she knew it would be best for the little girl, she found a Mommy and Daddy! And that was us! We were sooo happy, we cried and laughed and we loved our new little baby girl. So now you know that you had a first "birth mother" who loved you, now you have a Mommy and a Daddy who love you very much!

Pretty hard to feel any resentment with that kind of explanation.
I've never felt that my birthmom was anything but a saint!

I recommend a-parents do as above and acknowledge the existence of biological family. Also never ever hide the fact. Tell the child as soon as he or she can understand!

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

May all adoptive parents follow your lead. That is incredibly touching how your family welcomed you and truly loved you. Blessings.

[MixandMatch]

Hello,
First I would like to say that I am glad this forum is here. As a male adoptee I want to make it clear that being an adoptee was NEVER easy for me. Being a male does not make you any less sensitive. I am also an adoptive parent and I feel that I am in a unigue position to understand the adoptee. When we brought our son home there was never a doubt that he was ours in every way. Blood or no blood we love him beyond belief. We explain adoption to him only when he asks and we do NOT tell him "the chosen story." That chosen story is so bogus and I hated hearing it growing up. We are not chosen because that would mean we were UNchosen. I prefer to explain the truth with love, understanding, and caring. The truth will always set the adoptee free, even if it is painful at first.

Just my two cents Kasey!

[redhairteengirl]

Hello Kasey (cute name) My name is Casey and i just read your post and it said you are here to help people out. WEll i was just wondering if maybe you would like to read my story and try to give me some advice i could really use some.
Here is my e-mail incase you would like to get ahold of me that way SwetbutSasy@aol.com

I get so dissappointed from time to time. I was born on Feb. 12,1985 in St. Louis Missouri.
I was told that my birth mothers name was Rhonda and that i did not see her when i was born.
I was also told that i got to see my birth father at monitored visits at the adoption home untill i was 2 years old.
The family i am living with now found me at 6 months and i was offically adopted at the age of 5.
I have been with this family ever since.
I was also told that my birth parents both did drugs and were both very young and not ready to have a child in their lives at that time.
I live in a rather big family with both adoptive parents still married and around the age of 50 and i have 2 brothers (ages 37&23) and 1 sister (age 36).
I have 2 nieces (ages 15&2) and 2 nephews (ages 16&10).
All of my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews live in the same neighbor hood as i do and so they are always at my house and since i was the only one in the family that was adopted well i like to tend to bring it up alot. I like to make fun of me in ways i dont think they realize it hurts so much.
I have known that i was adopted ever since i can remember but my adoptive family doesnt like to tell me much about my birth family or show me many pictures from when i was a baby. ( its kind of like i did not exist untill i was 5).
I have never really had very high self esteem (or so i have been told) but i always try to keep my spirts up and look on the bright side, but things do happen from time to time but its best to try and look on the bright side or you will never be happy.
I was in a relationship for 2 and 1/2 years and to most people they would call that just puppy love or something along that line but we were very close and could talk about everything and we went through alot together, we even talked about getting married in the future when we got a little older and got things in order in our lives.
Well we recentally broke off our relationship and it has been rather hard on me.
I dont really get along with girls to good (due to the fact that i havent been able to find one that would lie to my face or talk about me behind my back yet) so i really dont have any friends that i can talk to or hang out with so it kind of leaves me out in the cold by my self.
I feel more like i am not worth anything with every passing day and like it would be pointless to keep on searching for my birth parents because they already threw me to the curb once so whats to say that they will want to have anything to do with my now or in a few years if i were to find them?
I have never really gotten along with my adoptive family at all and there are times when i hear them talkin to each other and asking each other why they even adopted me in the first place.

So i guess what i am trying to say through all this rambling that i am done searching for my birth parents because i know they would want to have nothing to do with me so why just mess up their lives. I mean they have probley forgoten all about me by now anyways.
As i scroll down the message boards i cry and cry and just sit here wondering why i cant have someone even one person in my live that could love me as much as they love their children that they gave up for a better life?
I makes me wonder what i did that was so wrong to make people hate me so much. I mean i have never tried drugs or smoking or even tried liquer. I dont get the best grades in school but i try the best i can and i get B's and C's now. I just dont get what it is that makes me so unlovable.

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

First of all, I am sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. I think 2 1/2 years is a long time for an adoptee. That is great that as a teenager you were able to hold on so long. I think that means you have hope for solid long term relationships in the future. Please do not beat yourself over the head for the position you are in. You did not ask to be adopted and you can be a happy person. You deserve happiness and don't let ANYBODY else drag you down. Do not take what you adoptive parents say to you literally. I know what it is like to think that you are worthless. If you want to search for you birth parents, go for it. You will be eighteen soon and you will officially be an adult. You don't know why your birth parents relinquished you and it is pointless to obsess about it. When you know the facts, then you can make informed decisions about how to handle them. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!! It saddens me deeply when I hear how many adoptees, like yourself, feel that they are all alone and have noone to love them. You are understood on these boards. Keep talking, keep writing, and keep reading. The truth will set you free and healing comes when we join together. You are loveable and if people can't see that it is their loss.

KaseyHamnerM.S.

[MerryJane]

While I am envious of your situation I want you to know that I love hearing that other adoptees were enveloped in love. Thank God for your adoptive parents.

[GraceLaurel17]

MerryJane and others,

Thanks for your kind words. I will let my parents know what a good job they did!

It may be interesting to note that although such loving parents cared for me and raised me as their own (yep, I'm their very own daughter, and proud of it!)--It did not lessen in any way my curiosity and love for my biological family as I was growing up. I longed desperately to know my birthmother (saint that she was) and dreamed of who and what she might be. This longing never took away from the love I had for my parents. In fact, when I did meet my birthmother at the age of 18, it really strengthened my relationship with them. I had NEVER felt so close to my Mom as I did when I met my BMom. (?!)

My BMom Arlene was (still is) awesome and we get along fabulously. She's a very close, dear, special friend...but she's not a "parental" figure to me. Same with my birthfather. I already have a Mom and Dad.

Sure we've all had little bumps in the road (Note: do not share an apartment with a birth sibling ). Overall, things are good and I realize that many other adoptees do not have a positive experience. This KILLS me.

I hate the fact that secrets and lies pervade the adoption community.

All the very best to all of you!!!!

[lhamo]

Kasey,
What a wonderful forum. I am a bfather waiting to hear from my daughter. I initiated contact through a registered letter, I wanted to ensure her privacy, almost a month ago. I'm on pins and needles. I've always harboured a fear that she might not get the love and care she deserves. fIf that was so she still deserves to be happy with the rest of her life. If I can do something to aid in that then that is what shall be. But I hope that she has had the love that we all need. I f I had known 35 years ago what I have learned in the last year I think I would have kidnapped her from the hospital and lived in a hollow log somewhere just to keep her and give her the love I have for her. I'm not beating myself up about it, but it sure would have been different if we had been better informed in those days. Thank you for your forum. Let us all learn and help to make it a better place for the children of the world.
To Redhairteen: You are blessed child for your are intelligent and have that will to survive. I get a sense of love in your heart girl, give yourself some. That would make my heart sing! Keep writing, please! We are here with you. ((((HUGS))))
Love and peace to ALL adoptees. And thanks again Kasey.

Gord.

[A_mothers_love]

Its interesting to hear that most adoptee's were told that they were given out of love, it is sad to know that is not the truth, what of the mothers who lost their children to adoption? I understand that adoptive parents could not know this, my feeling on this if I was told I was given out of love, or this lady loved me so much she gave me away. I do believe I would be terrified of loving. There is no real easy way to tell your adopted child that he/she is adopted, but what is wrong with the truth? the whole truth and nothing but? I understand that young children need to hear soft words, but they also have to grow to be loving human beings. With Self Esteem intact. It is hopeful in my situation that my son still will want to meet me one day. I pray to god every night that he does not feel abandoned because of the words his parents chose when the told him about his adoption. I am happy that I found this forum, for it gives me insight to what my son and his parents are truly thinking, and hope that one day he will want to see me.
Can someone let me know why the firstmothers are called Ladies when the adoptive parents are talking about us? I find this curious, for though they are mothers and fathers too, we shouldnt be discounted should we?
Hugs
Melissa

[sweetnoodle]

Redhairteengirl

Please don't despair. You are grieving over more than one thing; that relationship of 2 1/2 years and your adoption situation. Both may take a long time. Don't give up! May God supply all your needs.

[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

We talked about what made you feel loved and cared for as a child. What helps you feel loved and cared for as an adult adoptee? Why is it hard for you to feel loved and cared for? Or, if you don't have issues with this, what do you recommend to others who do?

[BettyPsych]

I am so glad to hear that there are birth fathers out there who care about their relinquished child. We need to hear from more of you. You are so often misunderstood as the "bastard who abandoned the birth mother." I know that is not so and you have proved it. Thank you.