[shirleyville]

AS some of you know, I am in the process of trying to locate my birthmother thru the use of a Confidential Intermediary.....and she e-mailed me yesterday with the first pieces of information from my file!
I could hardly breathe when I saw her name in my mailbox......:-) Pretty silly, huh? ;-)
Anyway, I opened it....and for the very first time in my life, I had INFORMATION!!!!!!!
I know that my birthmother was 21 years old at the time of my birth...she is the third child in her family.......her father was a farmer and her mom was a housewife. My grandfather was from Tennessee, and born in 1909 and my grandmother was born in 1917 and was from Kentucky.
I was my birthmoyther's first child....
I know that this sounds like a pretty small amount of information, but to me, it is like a GOLDMINE!!! I know something about where I came from, and that, to me, is incomprehensible!! I always felt like I just sort of "appeared" from out of nowhere or something....and now, I have the beginning of roots -- a beginning....an origin.
The Intermediary feels that the search will be an easy one from here....she may even know some information for me tonight....so I will keep everyone posted!!! I just wanted to share!
Hugs,
Sally

[JORDANMODE]

Congratulations ... I cannot even begin to imagine what searching has been like ... and to have something anything .. WOW I wish you continued enlightening about your birthfamily .. and if a reunion is forthcoming ... I do hope you share the outcome. What a great gift this holiday season ... from someone whose roots also stemmed from Tennessee Welcome to the south sweetie ...

[shirleyville]

WOW!!! :-)
I seem to be using that term a lot, today, eh?? :-) :-) :-)
You said, "from someone whose roots also stem from Tennessee"................I HAVE ROOTS THAT STEM FROM SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!
I really just can't fathom that!!!! I am about to BURST!!! :-)
Thank you SO much!
Sally

[Sabra]

Hi Sally:

Very exciting news for you! How great to know a bit about where you came from. By knowing these things you know more about you and your bio family. Even your bio grandparents! That is so cool.

Reuniting is so very emotional. If you would like some articles to read on Reunion please post a note here. I will get it.

Keep at it girl. If it is meant to be that you find your birthfamily you surely will!

My prayers are with you as you search! Each clue leads to another clue. It is a good idea to pace yourself as much as you can. (Easier said than done, but you can do it.) Take care of yourself at this time and try to include some routine things that you need to get done. Try not to let your search consume you. Take part in Holiday traditions and enjoy friendships and the many things that make you, you!

Warm regards,

[shirleyville]

I can't help but continue to read and re-read the e-mail from my Intermediary!! :-)
I keep looking at those words..."your grandmother", "your grandfather", "your birthmother"..........they are no longer "enigmas" -- they have "things" attached to them that are real and factual.....they came from somewere, they have "identities" all of the sudden. My birthmother's father was a farmer and her mother was a housewife.....these are things that are REAL and TRUE....not made up or imagined.
I have never had anything in my life that was "real" or factual with regard to where I came from.....and now, just this little bit of information makes me feel incredible!!! :-)
Sabra, any articles that you have would be fabulous!
I will look forward to reading them!
Sally

[JORDANMODE]

Whats real is YOU You always have been and who adopted you also gave you roots honey ... think of it as a bed of lillys ... they are beautiful where they grow naturally but they also have the ability to "reroot" when transplanted elsewhere and be just as if not more beautiful Your natural roots are a blessing to find .. but always look upon those those that rerooted you with the same amount of pride

And I am a birthmother ... I would want nothing more than my daughter to one day have all the WOW'S but I would also want her to have benefited not only from finding me .. but mainly from thriving in the life I chose for her ... Though it was one that took her away from me ... I did so in the hopes that it would be a GOOD LIFE and one that one day would send her back to me a happy and well rounded young woman ....... I am so happy for you ...

Please keep us posted

SMILES

[Sabra]

Hi Shirleyville:

Here are the links to two excellent articles on Reunion, per your request. I recommend printing out the first one and taping it to your mirror. I would read it again and again to allow it to be your framework for reunion.

The second one you may need to read through about four times to get the just of it. If you have any questions please let us know. Either myself or others can answer questions regarding the article.

Jordanmode gave you some great advise. So wonderful to hear from you on this.

Here are the articles:

http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html

http://adopting.org/ReunionSocialization.html

Warm regards and hugs,

[debsdone]

Hi Sally. Wow, what exciting news! I remember I kept looking in the mirror to try on my "new backround info"! LOL I found myself wanting to tell my kids teachers and the checker at the grocery store! I am jewish but I am blonde and green eyed with a little nose. People have always told me, "you definately weren't BORN jewish" My non id'ing said my b-dad was jewish! Honestly, I wanted to wear a sign that said, "I really AM " That info lasted me 10 years untill recently when I casually started looking again. I'm happy for you. "Wear" it well!! LOL Debi

[sonata]

Wow, Shirley. I'm so happy for you. I know EXACTLY how you feel! (How many people do you know who can say that?)

The day I found out my birthmother's name I finally felt like I was a "real" person who was really born like other people and not just dropped here from outer space! Only another adoptee can truly relate to that feeling.

Enjoy your excitement and I wish you luck in your (hopefully!) forthcoming reunion. Keep us posted!!

[shirleyville]

Thanks a lot, guys!!! :-)
Sharing everything with the people at this forum has really been a "lifeline" to me since I started the whole process of working with the intermediary. It has become an important part of my day, and I am sure will be for years to come as I work thru all of my thoughts and feelings regarding to outcome of my search. It is such a comfort to have someplace to "go" when I feel like talking!
Just to comment briefly on "being real".....I am a very successful, stable, well-rounded woman, and I have my parents to thank for that. I have been loved and cared for in ways that sometimes amaze me, when I hear the stories of others. It is because of this love and security that I have the strength to make this journey. I have "bloomed and thrived beautifully" where I was planted 38 years ago. I have many wonderful people in my life whom I love with all my heart, and who, thankfully, love me in return. To me, this is just icing on the cake.....to have an opportunity to know where this entire journey began.
I often hear so many birthmoms and adoptive moms arguing the point about who is the "real" mom......birthmoms lamenting the fact that they missed all of those important "firsts" in their childs life...the first steps, the first words, the first day of school, the first date. And for that my heart goes out to them, but I hasten to remind them that they were there for the most important "first" of all -- their child's first breath -- a breath that wouldn't have been a possibility had they not chosen life for their child.
More than anything, from this reunion -- if there is to be one -- I want my mother to know that I am so very thankful for that breath, and every subsequent breath I've taken ever since. I haven't an ounce of blame or guilt to place -- just gratitude...and the only pain I feel is that of not knowing her as a person. Not so much the person she was in 1964, but the person she has become today.
There is always a certain amount of not feeling "real" when you are adopted - at least for those of us born before the days of meeting the birthmothers and being allowed in the delivery room....there is never a "birth story".....it is always "when you came home to us" or "the day we brought you know from the hospital". For me, it has always felt like I just sort of "arrived" in the lives of my family -- as if I was somehow this magnificent manifestation from God, yet never actually BORN. I never got to hear stories about all the cravings my mom had while she was pregnant with me, or how I kept her up all night kicking, or how she rushed to the hospital, just in time. That kind of thing, over the years, is what makes a part of my existance feel "unreal".
I know all of the family stories about where grandma and grandpa came from.....and how every person in my family, from the great-grandparents on down the line were educators -- involved in the education system, in some way. NOW, I know that a part of me came from a farming family -- it opens up all kinds of new and exciting things to "explore". It's actually kinda spookey, in a way, because one f the dreams of my life has always been to live in one of those really old farm houses with the well-house out back, and a big barn filled with hay. Maybe a part of me has always felt a connection with my roots? Who knows?
I have no idea where this journey will take me. My intermediary is searching obituaries this evening to see if she can locate any information on my grandparents, which may lead to my birthmother. It is terribly exciting to me.....but I also realize I have to be realistic. There is always the possibility that my birthmother will not be in a "place" in her life where she can't deal with a reunion...not now....maybe not ever. I have to be able to accept that -- and I do. If she is not comfortable with it, I certainly do not want to cause her any further anguish. If it turns out that she is deceased, then I also will need to face that with the same grace and understanding.
I have no idea where the next few days and weeks will take me, but you can be assured that I will share it all -- the good, and the bad, with everyone here! You guys are really the ones helping me to make it all a better journey!
Thanks a million!
Sally

[JORDANMODE]

All I can say Sally is what you have been saying alot of lately ....

WOW

That said I too was born in 1964

I wish you all the luck in your search and am so happy that you have found what you have

Smiles

[shirleyville]

Okay....you will not believe this. I am still in shock!
Tonight, my husband laid a big piece of news on me.....we were in the heat of an arguement, and he blurted out that my FATHER had given him the name of my birthmother. I thought at first he was lying to me....using it to get even or something.....but he finally told me the name.
I went straight to the internet and I typed in the name he gave me.....it popped up with an article about a woman by that name, who happens to be a very well-known Journalism/English instructor at a university in Florida. I went to the people finder, and I put her name in, along with Florida, and it popped up with her name and her age, which happens to be the same age as my birthmother.....born in 1943. I threw the part in about her being a Journalism/English teacher, because that was my major in college, and I am a writer. I have been a "writer" since I was small.....no one in my family can write, and I have always thought that if I ever found my birthmother, I would find where the gift came from.
I certainly am not convinced this is my birthmother....but it makes me wonder.
I am SO upset right now.....I can't BELIEVE after all these years of denying that they knew any information, my father -- MY FATHER -- would tell my husband something they never told me. My husband said he told him in case I ever needed medical attention after they pass away. I don't know who to be more angry with....my dad or my husband, who has carried this information with him for years without telling me....he knows what this means to me....but he said he didn't tell me because he made a promise to my dad.
The whole "lies and secrecy" thing just makes me sick.
What a mess!
Sally

[JORDANMODE]

WOW .... NO WAY

First off thpough it may be hard .. be upset at noone ........... be happy you have the information ......... it was given to you ........ being upset will do no good ... and do not allow them to "burst your bubble"

I am not an adoptee so may be I should refrain from giving you advice .. but I am a person .. a woman same age as you as my granmommy is from tennessee ... so on that connection only (no professional advice here )I will say ........ Go Fot It .... find her ... who knows what lies she was told ............. I am happy for you Shirley .... I wish all good things to come your way .....

[raybuffer]

Sally,

I'm not sure if this will help, but growing up, I always suspected my adoptive parents knew more than they were telling me regarding my birthparents. A few years back my adoptive mother blurted out to me in the middle of a phone conversation "If something happens to me, there is a piece of paper in the lock box that I want you to read, but don't read it before then".

I honored her wishes and when she passed away two years ago I read the piece of paper that I had suspected might have information about my birthmother. It did not. Instead it simply instructed me to bury my mother's poodle (who had not yet passed) with my father when he passes (hopefully not for a long time). In the midst of my sadness over my mother's death I actually felt "disappointed" and those feelings led to guilt.

There's a lot of emotion to go around, so I guess what I'm trying to say is that we can't second guess the dead or blame the living for doing what they think is right. Although, I would be really miffed at my wife if she withheld information of that magnitude from me, I would forgive her eventually.

I'm curious as to whether you had to pay the CI, or if this is a person who works for the adoption agency that handled your adoption. Also, you mention the CI is researching obituaries, but I did not see a year of death in any info you relayed. If the name your husband supplied is factual, then I would venture to say you have an excellent chance of getting your full information and possibly reuniting. Congratulations!

Best Regards,

Ray Buffer

[shirleyville]

I sure did have to pay the CI, Ray....almost $400, plus whatever her "expenses" will be in searching, now that she has my file. That's what I really have such a hard time believing...my husband is a "penny-pincher"!! ;-) I'm sure he thought it well-worth the money, tho, if I "foundout" from the CI....that way he never had to divulge the name and betray my father.
I'm STILL steaming....
I'm not one to hold a grudge -- I'm the biggest softie in the entire world, but this one is a little much to fogive right off the bat. It will take time.
Another thing that baffles me is thatmy father is a psychologist...I can't understand his behavior, knowing as he must, what kind of psychological damage this could cause.
I feel very betrayed.
The reason the CI was going to start with obituaries is that my birth grandfather was born in 1909 and she thought perhaps, at his advanced age, he might have passed.
I mailed her the name....and I told her that I found a match in Florida, who is the same age. I don't know what she will say. I'm sure she will let me know something when she gets home from work.
I don't know what to do....
I am at a loss and feeling very low at the moment......
Thanks for everything!
Sally