[Bunny311]

One more thing just because someone is an older parent doesn't mean they are going to be better parents! Or have more patience! All first time parents whether they are bparents or aparents learn as they go and make mistakes!!

[Txs-birthsis]

I am not a birthmom--I am raising both the children I gave birth to. I do not see where ANYONE has jumped all over you-Everyone is just giving you a diffrent way to look at diffrent situations. I think we all have recognized that you have a right to feel how you feel. What we are trying to say is there is a diffrent way to view things. Your anger is not hurting anyone but you. We dont like that their are triad members hurting. It seems though there is nothing anyone can say to ease your pain. I am so sorry that life ahd been so bitter for you, and the only answer I know to really help is to pray. Everyone that has replied to your post-has acknowledge that they understand the WHYS of your anger. The birthmoms have all just stated THEIR reason behind their choices.
The only reason I even bothered to reply is I too have worked thru the anger similiar to whay you express. I found out though when working thru MY own anger-No one ahd the words I needed til I was ready to put aside my anger--I finally realized--it wasnt hurting my mom--it was ME it was hurting. Mom never even knew I felt the wy I did.
I will say that I DO believe that apparently what you "bithpeople" wrote was very negative, and hurtful. I am sorry that they/she would be so hurtful--to you an innocent in a situation of her making. I am greatful though for an adoption world that could remove you from a "birthgiver" that could hurt you this abd with words on paper.
All in all please do not feel attacked by other traid members, no one menas to, the only way we know to helo each other is to tell our stories and how we each coped with our own felings.

[clarkpg]

youve been very helpful.

[bmLisa]

I don't think anyone is jumping all over you. You have written more than once that if a birthmother wants to try and help you understand why they released their child for adoption that you would listen. How many of us have written our stories only to have you pick every detail apart and say that our reasons aren't good enough. No one is judging you for your decisions, but you are taking the liberty of cutting down every one who has replied to your posts. You are making it very hard for me to be sensitive and objective when you are so negative. If you were happy with your childhood and have no interest in searching for your birthparents, then fine, that is your choice, why are you trying to justify it to us? Do not ask questions if you are not willing to hear the answers. Everyone has different reasons for making the choices in life that they do. No reason is good or bad or right or wrong when it comes to adoption, what matters is that we all do the best we can with what we have. Just because your beliefs are different than someone elses does not give you the right to blast everyone who feels differently than you. You don't think that money is a 'good enough' reason to choose adoption? Maybe you don't know what it is like to have only one pair of shoes and jeans to last for an entire school year, or never to be able to buy something brand new from a store instead of buying second hand clothing. How about what it feels like to see your mother cry because her hunk of junk car breaks down and there is no money to get it fixed? Having cheap cans of pop in the house was reserved for special occasions, and they were rationed to savor them. McDonald's was something only experienced when I got invited to go out with a friend's family. That was my reality growing up and excuse me if you don't think that my wanting my son to be have a more comfortable childhood than that is a 'good enough' reason for making the choice that I did. It was not easy, and it kills me every day. He is not something that I think about only when it makes me happy, nor does a day go by that I do not think about him. I am sorry if your birthparents wrote something that you did not like, but do not take your animosity towards them out on me, or other birthmothers. If you truely want to understand then you would read these posts with an open heart and mind. I do not believe that you are capable of doing that.

lisa

[Rory]

Bunny...

I did not mean that my daughter was the mistake!!! I meant that it was my mistake to concieve before I was ready, but I can't change the past. You are really difficult to help and I am done trying. God bless

[evansmum]

Wow. This was a painful thread to work through. Bunny, as a fellow adoptee who has NOT found her *birth parents*, I encourage you to vent vent vent away. That is your right. If someone chooses to read it, and becomes offended by that, and then post back to you, that is their right.

I don't think that bashing and arguing is going to help you realize that if your *birth people* were THAT awful, it is definitely a good thing that they DID give you up for adoption. What would your life have been like if they kept you, but didn't WANT you. I think you are much better off loving and accepting your adoptive parents, and leave it at that.

I am also a young mother who isn't so much struggling with my husband, but just slipping by. He is military, so I can afford to stay home, but we'd be sooo much better off if I was working. I actually think being adopted has a lot to do with my choice to stay at home until our son starts school next year. I don't want someone else raising my child!! No offence meant to ANYONE, trust me.

Bunny, if you ever want to talk about this, with someone who completely understands how you are feeling, I will always be there. OR, if you just want to talk to another adoptee who has their own children now (and is around the same age as you - I'm 24), that's fine too. Let me know, and good luck with the little one - it DOES get better eventually. Our son is 3 1/2 and I DID have to work full time until my husband joined the military when Evan was 1. Now I am enjoying the wonderful world of Mommyhood, although today I was the "meanest mommy EVER" - I was the CANDY WARDEN !!!!! lol

Have a good night - I hope to hear from you soon.

[Bunny311]

So Rory because I have 27 years of pain and anger pent up and am just starting to work through this whole being adopted thing and it's difficult to get through my pain and anger you just give up?!?! Well if you've found your child I hope you didn't give up on them if there was alot of pain and anger to work through and if you haven't found them then I hope you won't give up on them if they have alot of pent up anger and pain!

I'm not trying to belittle anyone I am simply playing devils advocate throwing the other side of the "coin" out there, a different way of thinking! I'm sure giving up the child has caused lots of pain...........but you bmoms know all the things we/I don't know about myself/ourselves. You have the answers to our biological medical history, our ethnic backgrounds, etc. we have none of that, we don't know who we look like...........although you may have only seen us for a second at least you got to see us...........you can hold that precious memory in your minds and hearts, we have nothing to hold of you! You are a fantasy to us, we know nothing about you or ourselves! You hold all of those answers.............the only thing (from what I understand) you have to wonder about is where are we and are we in a good home! I love my parents more than anything in this world and they have been so wonderful to me, but knowing that there is a woman out there who gave me life and then just gave me away has left an enormous emptiness inside and all I want is to be able to make the pain and anger go away for me and my own daughter! I'm tired of being angry and tired of crying over the people that gave me away! But, I guess REALLY helping someone thru 27 years of pain and anger is to tough for anyone! 27 years of this doesn't go away in a few days!

MEGHAN:

Thank you for your kinds words and letting me know there is someone out there who truly understands and wants to help I will email you soon! Thank you!

[Lollie's Mom]

Good evening, dear friends!!

I, too, am adopted, from birth on December 21, 1955. I have often wondered if my birth parents remember the day of my birth, or, is it a day looked upon in saddness.

From my adoptive "family," I was told something which will always disturb me and, here it is: "To raise a child in love, is a fate worse than death." To say I was stunned when I heard this comment directed to me, is pure understatement -- my heart swells and my chest tightens, and, I feel like someone has just killed me.

My search for my birth parents has NOT been a task enjoyed, as I have NO idea why I was placed for adoption, especially to people, prospective parents, who uttered those awful words in the previous paragraph. I can only hope that my birth parents were somewhat MORE altruistic in nature!!

So, as each December 21st rolls around, I hide, gently and quietly celebrating my next year of life -- this year in 2002, I shall be 47 years of age. My adoptive parents are now deceased and I do NOT know the disposition of my birth parents, whether they are alive and well, or, NOT. Perhaps one day I will know -- perhaps I shall NEVER know. I have chosen to FORGIVE everyone concerned, as I simply refuse to live my life in hate.

To each and every one of us, be we adopted or birth children, may I say a very heartfelt, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY," to us ALL ~

Take care and bye for now!!
In CHRIST's Love, Melissa

[tanja728]

I have been on both sides of the coin. I was adopted at the age of 7 yrs and when I had children, I gave up my son at 6 weeks of age and my daughter at 3 yrs. of age. I know very well the sadness of losing my birth parents and the even greater sadness of having to relinquish my own parental rights. And yes, I remember the day and time they were both born and the height and weight of each one. My daughter located me several years ago and we now have a wonderful relationship. I talk to the dad that raised her and we were all at her wedding and I sat with the family members at the reception. Her adopted parents thanked me for allowing them to raise my daughter. I'm sorry that you are having a difficult with your situation. But being adopted myself, I completely understand. But, I also know that until you find a way to work through it, that true happiness and peace are difficult to come by. I also came to realize that until I was at peace with everything, some of my life's decisions were not always in my best interest. I wish you the best.

[Txs-birthsis]

[quote]Originally posted by Bunny311

we have nothing to hold of you! You hold all of those answers.............the only thing (from what I understand) you have to wonder about is where are we and are we in a good home! ]


Bunny I can only tell her what MY mom(a birthmom) went thru. EVERY child that was abused --in her head--was my sibling, that she had choose adoption for. Every sick child we ever heard of was that baby she had carried for 9 mths. My sister was concieved thru rape...and still momma carried the guilt of wht if.. what if she was being hurt..what if she was sick..what if she was being abused..Even now AFTER finding my sister, and knowing all is well with her.. Mom still feels the guilt and blames herself EVERYTIME my sister is hurt, depressed or angry. She thanks God and my sisters parents everytime she sees a smile on my sis face.BUT any negative thing in my sis life she blames herself--First because she stopped to help someone she THOUGHT was injured, which was a trap, and she was raped.. Then because she feels so inhuman for not feeling she could care for two children barely a year apart.. The world was threatening her..if she didnt give up her second child..she would loose both of us.
So this is my story--adn this is why I get so defensive about birthmoms--Yes I do know thee are BAD females--that should never have gotten pregnant. I also know there are so many mothers that choose adoption for their children because they were lied to coerecied, and forced. They were told those kids would never need them--That the medical would never be an issue. They were told to forget..That was the ONE thing that the hundreds of birthmoms I know can not do. I read my momma your post--and she cried for you.. she kept saying over and over __She is hurting so bad--and I am guilty of doing THAT to my own. Then she would try to explain TO ME-(who ahs watched all she went thru for 29 yrs) Marina--I really didnt see any other way--She kept saying it over and over.
I can see so very plainly the pain--and yes I do understand.. I felt that way about my father that abondaned me and mom--I did finally search him out.. and we grew very close before he died 4 mths later. BUT when I first found him(looking only because my son was having medical problems--and I wanted answers before the hospital had more of his blood then he did) I was so angry at him.. I hated my daddy for so many years--Having my children is waht brought on the hate for him..But I learned two things when I grew thru the ahte..Fist to hate him who regardless of who raised me..was to ahte part of myself(and the funny thing is actually HE was the biggest part of me--as I am a carbon copy of him physically and emotionally--temperment--and personality)--second I realized that the lie dad had lead would ahev probably killed me..I would not have grown into who I am today with his influence in my young life. So as much as it hurt--I have to thank God for my life--as it was the best thing for me. I never want ANYONE in pain to think I am not acknowleding their pain-I ahve lived a lifetime of pain. I feel others pain so completely, that I hurt for them- I do understand. Like I said in an earlier post--Most of us only know how to share our own stories and how we grew thru the anger and pain--to try and help others.

The thing that makes me angry in your post(BUT NOT AT YOU) Is the system letting those written words get into your hands.. My mom was PROMISED(and it was all she asked for) that my sister would be given a journal she had kept thru her whole pregnancy--My sis was suppose to get it when she turned 18. The only identifying info it had was my aunts first name--adn mine. It held the answers adoptees SO long for. It would ahev been something my sister needed and deserved. Well NO ONE knows where it is!! Then there is the system that let you get ahold of a painful writings of the person that gave birth to you?? It makes no sense to me. I think that very sam sysem is what 99% of us are so angry about. I do believe adoption is a good thing when done right. WHat was done to adoptees adn birthfamiliues in the earlier years though IS NOT RIGHT OR FAIR!! It is a game politicans played with peoples lives-and as far as I can see NO ONE WINS that game.

[leonilda]

terry23, thank you i couldnt have said it better , igave up 2 sons 1st was aug 1961 2nd was may 1964. i do not rember their exact birthdays. i dont know why, but i do know this. there hasnt been a day passed that i havent thought of them sometimes as a unit and sometimes individualy. there hasent been a prayer that i have said that didnt include them. i m sorry for a lot of things. they were each given up at birth & i wish i had gone back to the home where i gave up my 1st birth son & tried to get the 2nd placed with the same family. i dont know if that would have been allowable, but i wish i had tried. MOSTLY I WISH I HAD KEPT THEM.

[lafrisch]

bunny311,

I can see why you might feel the way you do. In fact, I try to understand the feelings of adoptees which unfortunately I have only recently been made aware of.

I want to make myself available if my daughter wants to find me, but I have been careful to word it in such a way that she will never feel I will expect her to be my friend, much less anything else. I hope this makes things better for her. I never intended the results that often occur with adoption: I never intended for my child to agonize over whether she might run into me on the street and not even know me, I never intended for her to feel abandoned, I never intended anything but the best for her.

Nobody told me the effects of adoption on the child in advance. In my opinion, that was very irresponsible of them...

I'm sorry about the letter your natural parents wrote. They may not have understood that you would take it the way you did.

[tanja728]

Anyone that gives a child up does wonder where the child is and is he being taken care of. But since, I was also adopted I always wondered if he felt like he was never loved by his mother. And that is only just the beginning of our anquish. I also wondered if he was able to fill that empty feeling you get when you look at the family that adopted you and no one looks or acts like you. Or that little voice in your head that keeps making you ask yourself if you really belong anywhere at all. And when he does wrong does he hear the whispers that say he must be taking after his birth parents. The list goes on and on.

[bmLisa]

I guess that I do not understand what you want, or what you are looking for. It seems to me that you are asking for help from birthmothers so that you can come to terms with what you know about your birthparents. You get angry when someone tells you that they aren't willing to try to help you any more, but you really rip us apart anytime one of us writes something to you. This is a very hard thread to get through, and I do believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion and to have their opinion heard, but there is a huge difference between sharing how you feel and why you feel that way and what you are doing. I don't feel that you are respectful of any of the beliefs that birthmoms have shared here, but you continue to say that we are bashing you and condemning you for your beliefs. Maybe if you come out and state exactly what it is you are looking for it might be easier to relate to you. No one expects 27 years of hurt and anger to go away in one day, and you write very passionately but it is hard not to take your posts very personally and with all of your exclamation points it is like you are yelling at me through your computer. This is one of the longest threads that I have been a part of, but I don't feel that it is accomplishing anything for anyone with all of the finger pointing and negative comments. In my last post I let my anger get the best of me, and I am sorry if I stepped on your toes. I continue to read and post to this thread because I genuinely hope to be able to help you, but I can't do that when you won't let me.

Now hopefully we can all take a deep breath and start over....

I would be happy to try again if you would be willing to

Lisa