[Archive]

My birthmother found me in 1987 (on my b-day!). We have a wonderful relationship, but we have to keep it hidden from my birthparents. My father would probably be OK, but my mother would 1) be INCREDIBLY hurt and 2) lay on the guilt BIG TIME.
I want this to be all out in the open because I'm tired of living the lie. Plus, I have a 9-year-old who doesn't understand why she has four grandmas (birth, adoptive, step and in-law). She needs to know or she'll be as messed up as me! Should I tell my adoptive mother? (It would devastate her ...) Should I perpetrate the lie and tell my daughter but tell her to keep it a secret?
What to do????????

[Archive]

I would tell your adoptive parents now. They are grown ups and will understand. The longer you wait the harder it will be. If they lay a guilt trip on you-they are being imature. And anyway you said your Bmother found you. It does not sound as though you moved the earth to find her. I would make that clear to your adoptive mother. Good luck

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Support Forum, adopting.org

How difficult it must be for you to carry the weight of this secret for so long a time, and how sad for your A Mom that she doesn't realize the terrible burden she has laid on you by not being more open to and accepting of reality.

The more I read of problems like this, the deeper my love for my daughter's Mom grows. I know she isn't UNIQUE, because I've come across many Adoptive Parents who, like her, have no fear of sharing or losing their child, and easily form a good relationship with the birthparents.

My daughter and I reunited in 1986 ... both of my granddaughters have grown up knowing me (the oldest was just five months old at reunion). My daughter's parents never hesitated in acceptance of me. In fact, they have encouraged the relationship. My granddaughters know all about the relationships (who I am, etc.) and they actually boast of having THREE grandmothers.

Your Mom needs some support. There are a couple of books that might help prepare her ... BIRTHBOND is one (more info on books in our library at http://www.adopting.org

There are a couple of articles you can print out from our reading room (http://www.adopting.org/readroom.html) that you might leave where your Mom can find them.

IDENTITY CRISIS YEARS about the young adoptee growing up and some of the insecurities that pop up.
http://www.adopting.org/Identity.html
ISSUES FACING ADULT ADOPTEES is about NOW .. and can be helpful in making her understand what your needs are
http://www.adopting.org/adltcope.html
ORPHANS & WARRIORS may be of interest to you, but I'm not certain how it would effect her.
http://www.adopting.org/DPOrphan.html

Dr. Marlou Russell, a reunited adoptee and a psychologist/family therapist, hosts our Expert Adoptee Issues Forum (http://www.adopting.org/supports.html) and can offer you some ideas on how to approach the issue with your Mom.
Marlou has written an article on REUNION ISSUES,
http://www.adopting.org/MRReunionIssues.html.

You might look in on the Scheduled Adoptee Issues Chat Thursday nights from 10 PM EST (7 pm Pacific) (http://community.chatspace.com/go.as...=/105-0191-066
or http://sites.chatspace.com:8240/room...m?room=Adoptee
You might benefit from the opinions of other adoptees and a and b moms.

Secrets only cause pain. Your A mom is insecure and she needs to be convinced that your love for her is strong and lasting ... AND that there's enough love to spread around a thousandfold. On learning that your Bmom found you THIRTEEN YEARS AGO, and you've had a relationship all these years, without dampening your relationship with your family, your Mom should be very receptive. (Frankly, I would lay a bet that she already suspects you know your bfamily.)

Good luck and God guide you.
Hugs, Carol Bird, Birthmom reunited with daughter 14 years
Expert Birthfamily Issues Support Forum for Traditional Adoptions older than five years. http://www.adopting.org/supports.html

[Archive]

I am not speaking from experience as my son has not told his aparents he found me, but I do have a couple of suggestions.

When you explain things to your daughter (and you should) don't tell her to keep it a secret from "Grandma A" just tell her that "Grandma A" doesn't like to talk about "Grandma B" and it would be kind not to bring her up.

You could tell your father first and enlist his help in talking to your mother. It would be totally unfair of her to lay a guilt trip on you but I know there are a lot of mothers who do that. The fact that you think she will makes me think that this is the way she operates about other things - the guilt trip I mean. How do you handle it in other situations?

In addition to emphasizing that your birthmom found you rather than the other way around, make sure you emphasize that you've known her for TWELVE YEARS and it hasn't made a difference in your relationship with your parents, so what do they have to be worried about?

Good luck!

Christiana