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  #1  
Old 03-16-2012, 05:59 AM
Ugglinn Ugglinn is offline
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Life as an adoptee

This is my own personal opinion as an adoptee.
I have no issues with adoption when both parents are dead, or the child is from a 3rd world country with no other hope.
However, being adopted out by two healthy birth parents is a fine line for me personally. I would like to connect with birth parents considering adoption and allow them to see how it affects the child, and perhaps to reconsider, no matter how hard it may seem.

I was always told I was loved and wanted, and adopted. It never came as a surprise to me, but the meaning became clearer as I got older.
No matter how many times you tell your adopted child they are loved and wanted, there is ALWAYS that little piece of knowledge in the back of our minds that we were not wanted at all.

Even when everything is explained and the reasons of the birth parents are totally legit and understandable, that feeling of rejection never goes away.
Despite all explainations, the child inside of you still has that immature sense of unworthiness.

I tracked down my birth parents as a teenager. I had to know where I came from.
And as a teenager, there are so many more things to think about, I pushed the sadness away and got to know them.

But that sadness really never ever goes away. No matter how kind, sweet, loving, and wonderfull they are.
Of course they had good reason for doing what they did so why do I still feel so sad?

I have full blooded siblings who I am infinatly jealous of. It is obvious, and inevitable that my biological parents will love them differently. Love them like real children.
I am their burden. They care about me only out of guilt.

I am the messed up child. My siblings are compared to Victorias Secret models with intelligence and drive. They were born loved and lucky, wanted and cherished.
I know they want to want me and want to love me but it is impossible in the way a parent should love a child, as they are not my parents. Only in a biological sense.

They are dissapointed in me and ashamed by my depression and reliance of unhealthy things to get me through the day.
I never ever fit in with my poor long suffering adoptive parents, who are kind and wonderful and completely unprepared for a child like myself.
I dont fit in with my biological family, who are all social, normal and dont have massive outpoorings of emotions and mental health days.

I have love in my life and my love tells me I belong right here with him. Im not *last name of my adopted parents and Im not *last name of my biological parents. I am *his last name.
I should be gratefull for this, that I have love in my life, but I cant shake this sadness that has followed me around for all these years.

If anyone is reading this, I will proberbly get condemed for saying what I am about to say- I wish my biological mother had an abortion.
I realise how selfish this sounds, but I mean it with all my heart.
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  #2  
Old 03-16-2012, 07:10 AM
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AlabamaMommy AlabamaMommy is offline
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I am an amom, but want to say that my heart broke when I read your post. I'm so glad you have found your love, your place in this world.
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  #3  
Old 03-17-2012, 05:37 AM
txrnr txrnr is offline
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I don't think you'll find condemnation here. I suspect you will hear from others who can relate. Welcome, I'm glad you posted! I hope you will find some peace.
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  #4  
Old 03-17-2012, 10:09 AM
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Howdy Howdy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ugglinn
...I am the messed up child. ...

{{{hugs}}}

You express emotion really well, after reading your post I must have spent 15 or 20 minutes thinking of all the ways I don't belong in my life, the should have beens, the emotional depths. Wow. Really powerful. I am sorry you have had a rough path in life.
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  #5  
Old 03-17-2012, 12:35 PM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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I am so sorry for your pain but you are not alone. I think all us adoptees have sometimes wondered if abortion is a better choice than being adopted out. I have sometimes felt guilty that my birth mother didn't have a choice since I was born before Roe vs. Wade. I think about the unplanned pregnancies today and how most mothers now keep their babies. I feel like the difference between these babies and me is that I will always be a mistake in my birth parents eyes. A mistake of the past that they had to put behind them. When you keep a baby and raise it, you get all the joys with it and I've never heard a parent say they wished they'd given their child up for adoption. Although I have heard birth parents say it was the right choice to give their child up for adoption. That really sucks to hear. Even though I'm sure my teenage birth mother would probably not have made the best mother at her age, I truly believe there is nothing natural or normal about separating a mother from her newborn. We can't change thousands of years of evolution/biology and how we are setup to bond with our birth mothers. I know some disagree but I totally believe in the "primal wound". All you have to do is look at nature and how all baby animals know their mothers as soon as their born. If something goes wrong in that bonding process, the animal usually dies or doesn't grow up normally. That is why many adoptees have the problems they have and I believe definitely where your depression comes from.

Unfortunately, you can't undo your adoption and change the past. I believe adoptees suffer more losses than anyone in the adoption triad. I have to wonder in your case if staying around your biological family is really in your best interest. If it's causing you this much pain, is it worth it? That's something you need to ask yourself. Remember we are all here for a limited time on this earth. Be around the people that make you feel good about yourself. It kind of goes back to the saying that you have to play the cards you're dealt in life. Being resilient is all you can be. You are aloud to grieve but I hope you find happiness and closure at some point. I think counseling and an adoptee support group can be a great source to deal with your pain. At the end of the day, it is your life at this point and only you are in control of it at this point.
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  #6  
Old 03-19-2012, 09:17 AM
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Drywall Drywall is offline
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As an adoptee, what I can share is essentially attached to the stories of other adoptees.

When I was very young, I knew there was a secret about me that everyone knew but me.

I was told about the secret at age 7 and in learning that I was adopted, i also learned i was suspect, tainted and an outsider, with no direct links to my a-family.

I could stand being an outsider, suspect and tainted, but the shame of adoption was overwhelming. I went in to denial in terms of who knew.

My only hope was to be a people pleaser - to be perfect, "all things to all people" and maybe earn my way into family which would make me whole and equal.

What I didn't know was that adoption was a life long sentence and even those people who have re-united have indicated over and over that regardless of the outcome of a re-union, it does not wash away the adoption.

As a result, as I grew older and accepted the links to adoption, I also understood my story was my secret. It did not have to be shared, and until I shared it with all it's dark sides, I was an equal.

If I shared it, I became "different from" other people and altho those people understood my story, they never understood my status. They simply didn't get it.

Now there are only a very few people who know my story. In my own feelings and the eyes of friends I am an equal. Most will never know of the struggle with early beginnings.

There are 2 quotes that mean a lot. "Life should be enjoyed, not endured." And,
"I did not ask for the life I was given, nonetheless it was given and with it I did my best."

I wish you the best.

Last edited by Drywall : 03-19-2012 at 09:22 AM.
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  #7  
Old 03-19-2012, 10:53 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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[quote=Drywall].

There are 2 quotes that mean a lot. "Life should be enjoyed, not endured." And,
"I did not ask for the life I was given, nonetheless it was given and with it I did my best."

Great last quote!
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  #8  
Old 03-19-2012, 11:02 AM
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littlewanderer littlewanderer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ugglinn
.

I have full blooded siblings who I am infinatly jealous of. It is obvious, and inevitable that my biological parents will love them differently.

.


Your story is shared by many. There are a lot of adoptees who feel the way you do. "you can never go home again".

It is from that wisdom that I am against embryo adoption. I think a mother would feel differently about giving up unwanted embryo number 5 if she had to carry it herself.

To have full blood siblings that get to be with their parents and you don't is a hard pill to swallow especially when washed down with a glass of "gratefulness for not being donated to science".
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Last edited by littlewanderer : 03-19-2012 at 11:05 AM.
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  #9  
Old 03-19-2012, 11:22 AM
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EZ2Luv EZ2Luv is offline
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I am sending you some ((HUGS)) I am an adoptee that is my reality too. I have not shared your exact emotions and feelings but my heart goes out to you my fellow adoptee knowing full well that there are many who share your feelings in different degrees. As adoptees we each have our unique stories to tell whether it was secrets, betrayal, not fitting in or good enough ect. I pray that you will appreciate yourself and find peace knowing that you have just as much right to happiness and a part of this universe. Welcome.
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  #10  
Old 03-20-2012, 05:06 AM
susiema susiema is offline
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That is exactly the way I feel too.

When My b mother asked me if she should have aborted me I said yes and I mean't that. I have lived in so much sadness and anger I hate adoption.

I wish I could stop adoption it is too easy for women just to turn over their children for an at the moment decision.

You are not alone.
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  #11  
Old 03-20-2012, 12:50 PM
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EZ2Luv EZ2Luv is offline
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I for one am happy to be alive and not aborted. I appreciate everyday of life even the sad ones.
I have to respectfully disagree that it is too easy for a bmom to turn their babies over for an at the moment decision.

Even my bmom who is the most selfish self centered woman I have ever known had to have put thought to it, she did have 9 months. She did not want to be a mother but I do not think she did not think about it.

Many women were forced to give their babies up, many of whom life a lifetime grieving their loss.

Just look at all the bmoms here that are forever yearning for their child. The pain goes both ways in adoption. I don't think many bmoms would have wished they aborted either.

Yes for lots adoption brings pain and some adoptee suffer issues of loss and abandonment but really is that pain enough to wish they were aborted?

I really cannot answer that but I would hope not. I know had abortion be legal my bmom probably would have opted for that and that would be more likely to be a moments decision, one that she would have had to live with the consequenses of her actions regardless.
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  #12  
Old 03-21-2012, 04:57 AM
susiema susiema is offline
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What I meant by too easy to give up was that these adoption agencies make it too easy for these women. I am almost sure it was they that made my b mother decide to give me up. It took her almost a year to decide and I was put in several foster homes and it really messed me up.

Every one handles their own personal story differently and I know for some mothers it was truly just as hard but not mine. I think every one is allowed to feel the way they do and I am so glad to read the stories of the ones that are happy with their lives but for some of us it has been a life of torment.
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  #13  
Old 03-27-2012, 10:20 AM
bikerider bikerider is offline
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don't you worry, you are not the only one who feels that way!

Hey, friend, I was adopted as an infant and I hear you! It would have made no difference to us kids if we had been aborted, because we would never have known. This is why I am pro-choice. It's good to be alive and all that, but how would it have hurt us had we been aborted? Who really knows? This world is a rough place, and I totally understand the burden that being an unwanted child places on your personality. I realize a lot of people don't talk about it from this perspective, so I wanted you to know that I think of it like you do.
Don't worry. You are here now. You will have to live with this all your life, so just try to come to terms with it. It's not easy.
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  #14  
Old 03-27-2012, 03:17 PM
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bikerider the post was good. Its always great when someone understands.

It takes a very long time to try to understand what has gone on in your own head. There are no links to take you to the gaps. You know they are there, but there is no way to find them. You dont really know whats in them.

All you know is that you are an "outsider" looking in.

If you have bio siblings everyday you look at them and wonder if they know how lucky they are to be in a family. They have name, legacy, heritage, status, it's all there for them. They didnt have to ask or try to earn it.

I wanted that at one time. I made promises that I would be perfect, that I would make adults happy, in short, I would be "all things to all people."

No matter how hard I tried, it was never enough. The timing was not good, there was criticism that I could have done better, but mostly it was simply that no one cared.

Gradually, there was healing. As I looked back over what had happened, I understood the problems were not so much with me but rather that my status was different from family and for that there was a price.

Now there there are still remnants of grief and loss, but those triggers and flashbacks come less often, are not so vivid and cost less.

There has been healing. How much is unknown.

I wish you the best.
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  #15  
Old 03-28-2012, 08:29 AM
susiema susiema is offline
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You are right bikerider, it wouldn't have made any difference to us.

I am trying to come to terms with my life, but can't seem to do it all the time thoughts keep flooding my mind.

Like your attitude bikerider.
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