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  #31  
Old 04-06-2012, 12:05 AM
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BethVA62 BethVA62 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzha
After 44 years of pushing, pulling, wanting, hoping, for some understanding, I have finally seen a glimmer of clarity. I just finished Jeanette Winterson's memoir (a life story very much shaped by her adoption), and have just now begin to understand how my experience parallels that of many adopted people. We have some work to do, don't we?

It's as if I've been living someone else's life... searching in unhealthy ways for some "self" that has eluded me, always shifting, always adapting, never grounding in a "me". Never loving, pushing people away, numbing feelings. I found my "first" family several years ago, both mother and father. But that was not what I had hoped... both as an adult, or as that child who fantasized about acceptance and understanding. They were as vunerable as I was... and that was just too much.

I guess... just today, just now, I am realizing how deep this goes. And, while that's a good place to start, I don't know where to go from here.

I hear you Suzha. The depth amazes me daily. I keep looking and try not to turn away, there are so many paths to explore. Each time I think I must be done exploring I find a new treasure, a new way to see.

I've gotten clues all along the way on this difficult journey. If you see anger at the gate, hurt, curiosity, love, fear, whatever is speaking to you, coming from you, go down those paths, look hard and you will find something new on each one. They are all connected when they are right for you.
I now find myself walking in circles revisiting old paths daily with new clarity, more clarity, and a big grin on my face.
Yes, it's a lot of work. Work I will never stop, work that brings such peace. Myself is ever changing. I am my only possibility of becoming myself. I keep walking, eyes wide open, and always will. I've never known myself so well.

Make sense? It will
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  #32  
Old 04-06-2012, 12:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Drywall
Adoption has many faces and as such requires a great deal more exploration.

I am always happy to see you when we pass on these trails. Just wanted to say that. I think you are very brave and caring, you always have something wise to share.

Alright then, carry on
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  #33  
Old 04-20-2012, 09:39 PM
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rare.jewel9 rare.jewel9 is offline
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Sibling(s) adopted by b-family but you weren't

I can relate to your story also with the part about you not being a part of you b-family and your full blood siblings are. My brother and I are full blood (the only ones out of 5 children). He is 2 yrs older than me. My father left sometime before I was 3. My brother was adopted by our paternal grandmother & 2nd husband. She raised him as her own son and he grew up with a younger "sister" in the house (which this should have been my position as the younger sister). So, it seems I was replaced. He grew up with a younger "sister"; I grew up an only child. She had an attachment to him since he was 2 yrs older but with me, and that is understandable...BUT she did not...and yes refused to... allow me to stay because she claimed I did not belong to her son (my father) even tho I have the family trait..."butt chin" and dimple in my left cheek (which even my daughter and grandson sport). She had to have seen this trait and knew I belonged to him because it is even very evident in my grandson from the time he was born. So, this was no excuse. Even to this day, she refuses that I belonged to her son...and refuses that I am a part of their family but I think this is to just a brick in the wall of excuses why she did not take me, but took my brother. I had a so-called, happy life without her and am actually grateful that I was not raised by this hateful, deceptive, manipulating woman. Because this is what she is and this kind of mental abuse has been afflicted on my brother his whole life. Even now at 45 yrs old, he does exactly what "Mother" says. She has pushed away ALL of her own children who are now very grown, moved away, have their own lives and practically hate her. None of them have any direct contact with her. The only one that remains in her life if my brother...he is the "golden child". He is the only one who has stayed around and took all her crap. For me, with her now at 77 yrs old, why doesn't she just admit why she didn't, couldn't, wouldn't, take me? Just freakin be honest, ya know? I'm not hurt she didn't take me..I'm just freakin mad that she just doesn't admit the truth. There is no one in her life (except my brother) that would care anyway that she might have done this "bad thing"..(and he doesn't care)....she has pushed them all away...there is no one around to hear her be truthful or even care..but me.

Last edited by rare.jewel9 : 04-20-2012 at 09:49 PM.
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  #34  
Old 04-22-2012, 08:10 PM
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Drywall Drywall is offline
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In terms of what adoption means to me at present, i have been able to relegate it to just a missing piece of a life experience.

After 66 years of searching, hoping, and waiting for some means to put an ending to my story, I gave up.

For me, it is time for reality.

In the beginning, what happened created a story. It was a different era then. The immediate needs of the a-family was the focus.

A fairy story was spun in which the advantages of adoption outweighed all else.

The child was an assigned "adoptee" and all parties were satisfied that riding off into the sunset was the perfect ending.

Not much thought was given to the "adoptees" eventual maturity, or that grief and loss was permanent, or there might be interest in a search for b-parents.

A-family may provide a wonderful existence for the adoptee, but it is left to the adoptee to sort out their own feelings.

As children, there are so many questions that are of concern:

How much info should I provide to my school mates? As a young child, how do I share feelings of overwhelming grief and loss and have someone understand -- particularly when the grief and loss comes from an unknown source and I cant explain it. What do I do about being an "outsider" not only within my a-family, but to all my school mates? How can I find a way to relate to them and be an equal?

My own life as an adoptee was very hard and there was great disparity between my life and what I saw of friends and peers.

Often there are questions, but no answers. It is left to each of us to find fragments of info and put them together in the hopes that it may lead us to something we can hold on too.

Maybe our story has taught us that we are just "people" but with a decidedly different outlook. We get it. We don't have to be "different."

There may be other contributing factors such as PTSD, RAD, etc. Those are more personal.

At this point there are almost no friends anywhere who know my story. Those friends who do know seem to be at peace with it and there are no queries related to having to provide details. In their eyes I am an equal.

My story like many adoptees, has a beginning, a middle, but no ending. I am not a freak left out to wander aimlessly through life, but someone who has been able to avoid allowing the early adoption years to have a high priority and requiring that I build my life around that period.

I believe that for me, there will be no story ending. There are many adoptees who don't have a story ending, so I am not alone.

What matters now is that altho my story may remain unfinished, at this point it is easy to feel at peace. It can't be changed -- there is no reason to wait, it is time to move on.

I wish you the best.

Last edited by Drywall : 04-22-2012 at 08:42 PM.
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  #35  
Old 04-23-2012, 01:44 AM
murphymalone murphymalone is offline
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Here in Canada there was a settlement given to the first nation people because they were robbed of their heritage because they were placed in residential schools. They had knowledge of who their parents were but the powers that were thought it best for "their own good" to systematically detach them from their culture. There are thousands of dollars per person and countless apologies.

It makes me feel like "chopped liver". I don't recall even being validated. People look at adopted people and assume they should be grateful. If you have the audacity to look for your beginnings there are brick walls and somehow it's justified socially. I have been moved around, abandoned and when I finally had the gumption to look into my situation I was basically told "They have a life". But that's all okay according to the same people who seem to be aware of the damage they did to the first nation people.

Why is one culture's heritage more important to the government to compensate than the thousands of people who have been denied their heritage through adoption sanctioned by some level of government?

We are supposed to lie down and accept it all. I don't.
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  #36  
Old 04-23-2012, 02:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Drywall

In that era what was important was that wealthy, childless couples could get a child. It was the needs of the couple buying the child that was important, not the child.

if adoption had ever been about the child everything would have been done to keep mother and child together. It was a farce.
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  #37  
Old 04-23-2012, 05:56 AM
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Very well said Drywall.

I too have given up. I know I will have to live without an ending or answered questions. It is now up to me to start my life over and leave my past behind.
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  #38  
Old 04-23-2012, 06:01 AM
susiema susiema is offline
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Murphymalone, I agree with you but what do you do when you can't get answers and peace the more I tried to find out the more hurt I received.

To be rejected, again, as and adult by my parents has just been too much. I feel like I have no other choice but to let them win, everyone let them. My state has protected them, my agency, everyone. We have no power, no wonder they feel so powerful. I am so tired of their lies and cover ups.
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  #39  
Old 04-24-2012, 01:29 AM
murphymalone murphymalone is offline
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I hear you. Sometimes it's hard to accept but acceptance is the only way to stay sane. I struggle with it all the time. I think I have a handle on it and then I get angry again.

The anger is not directed at any one person but at a society that seems to have sanctioned it. There are so many subtle levels of influence. It's a fact that people are having a harder time conceiving based on a number of issues. It seems we are coming to a point where procreation is becoming a science. Rich people can even select the sex of their child. Genetic engineering etc.

I hope that someone out there reading all of this tells someone else and through the grapevine an awareness evolves. It's not fair, but I suppose we are "explorers" in this because I don't believe many people honestly shared the anxiety, confusion, hurt etc publicly enough.

I am sure there a people who sit back and say "Oh listen to them" having no empathy and wondering what we are talking about. It's not Disneyland and it certainly isn't easy.

For every statement of pain; there are people who want to justify it, minimize it and make it all go away who are observers with no investment in making things change.
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  #40  
Old 04-24-2012, 01:38 AM
murphymalone murphymalone is offline
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I think of all of the children throughout history who have been given to another family to raise. Sometimes for protection of the lineage. In Elizabethan times royal families gave children to commoners to insure that the bloodline remained.

People were given up due to financial situations, war, religious influence etc ad nauseam. I wonder about all of the people and if they felt the same sense of loss. I am sure they did.

When I was little I loved fairy tales mainly because there was a hint of what I felt but couldn't put into words. Children sent off in dangerous circumstances spoke to something primal in me. I felt like they were my heroes. Evil stepmothers and children in those stories kept me sane and the fact that I knew there might be people out there who were mine sustained me through the lost years.

As an adult through fate or divine intervention I found my family. Now like a baby elephant I follow my group around waiting to be brought into the clan. They don't completely ignore me but I know I am not accepted wholly. I will follow and wait until one day they see I am theirs.
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