[Namedtwice]

Hello all

I'm so tired of being angry and thought maybe this forum could help me work though some of it. I've always known I was adopted. My father tells the story of when he "told" me I was adopted. I just simply said "I know" and skipped away.

It seems like my Aparents (older generation 70's now) did/said things that made my adoption issues worse. As an adult, I can get very angry about these things. However, they see these things as perfectly normal. For example, I didn't have my own room or bedroom for 11 years. I slept on the floor, sofa or with my Amom. They had a room they could've cleaned out for me, but, there was so much stuff in it that we couldn't open the door. It was never a priority to clean out.

So, I was always in trouble because I was in the way. I escaped the best I could - playing outside, visiting neighbors and Gma.

The lack of physical and emotional space was stifling. I even cleaned out a nasty cellar (think Wizard of Oz) in order to try to make a place for me.

This situation created many issues for me. I know some of it was just their generation (little to no emotional support)...but, I still have a hard time with it. Especially since now my Amom thinks we need to be "buddies." I just don't understand how someone can be that naive to think that I'd want to hang out and act like my entire childhood didn't happen. Or, that it was all sunshine and rainbows.....

Insight anyone? Maybe this is more than a post should entail, but, I just don't know where to go with it.

[Sunshiny]

Since you asked for insight from anyone I hope my response as a birthmom is not unwelcome.

I grew up emotionally abused and some of what you posted resonates with me. It was not the abuse that was the most damaging, it was the lack of validation that it ever happened. I spent years trying to please her while she bemoaned how ungrateful her children were and listed daily examples of how we disappointed her long after we were adults.

I don't feel any anger now, but then again I do not have any triggers from her that provoke anger. I spent years away from her surrounding myself with people and family I love. I will not have a close relationship with any person who is unable or unwilling to love me or my family. That coupled with time helped my anger to leave. Hope that helps.

[disolveme]

You have every reason to be angry, first of. Being adopted and all that entails can be hard enough. Then add the fact you weren't even given the basics...a bed of your own.
I too was abused, by adoptive parents, beaten with sticks, belts, hairbrush or anything that came to hand. Ordered to call my amother 'mum' and forced with beating to do so.
We have a right to anger, but I'm not angry about the abuse anymore. You sound like your ready to move on.
Is there anyway you could get counselling? Needing to talk, helps. I talked till I was sick of hearing my own voice.. lol before I could forgive. (not saying you have to forgive)
The forgiveness for me, wasn't about making it ok for the abuse or even about liking my aparents. It was about me and letting the anger go.
Keeping a journal, helped also. Writing letters about how you feel, but burning them or not sending them, also helped.
I've still got adoption issues, as I find bfamily, some of those have healed. It's the lies that have caused the most problems.
You aren't alone. On here and other adoption forums, you will find adoptees, like yourself.

[Namedtwice]

Hi Sunny

Your response is certainly welcome. I think you have hit something on the head that I hadn't realized. It is partially the validation that it ever happened. The pretending that I was their child and the pretending that this was all "normal" is really a large part of what is going on.

I appreciate the feedback. It certainly helps me identify the feelings and find areas I need to work on. Thank you.

[Namedtwice]

Disolveme - thank you for your post. I am sorry for the physical abuse you faced. That had to be emotionally and psychologically difficult as well.

I have located an adoptee support group nearby and am considering going to it. If that doesn't happen, then I probably will seek regular counseling. However, it seems like so many counselors that I've heard of do not understand adoptee needs. So, I'm hesitant.

I also know part of my bfamily, and you're right- that does help. It IS the lies that have hurt.

Thank you - I hope all continues to go well for you.

[SweetLilyBugs]

Originally Posted by Namedtwice

This situation created many issues for me. I know some of it was just their generation (little to no emotional support)...but, I still have a hard time with it. Especially since now my Amom thinks we need to be "buddies." I just don't understand how someone can be that naive to think that I'd want to hang out and act like my entire childhood didn't happen. Or, that it was all sunshine and rainbows.....

I am so sorry for all you went through (hugs). My a-parents are the same way, wanting me to be their "buddy" and tells everyone that we are "best friends" when I feel the exact opposite is true. I don't understand how they can think that either maybe it's some sort of denial? Maybe they are comparing our childhoods to their own and feel that we had it "great"? I know exactly how you feel.

Originally Posted by Sunshiny

It was not the abuse that was the most damaging, it was the lack of validation that it ever happened. I spent years trying to please her while she bemoaned how ungrateful her children were and listed daily examples of how we disappointed her long after we were adults.

You bring up a very interesting point that I had not thought of before. I went through some very rough emotional/mental abuse, and mild physical abuse (comparatively speaking). My adoptive sibling feels some very strong anger towards our a-parents. I think the validation thing is spot on. To this day my a-parents think that we had some spectacular childhood when the opposite is actually true. If just once we had heard "I'm sorry" or "I screwed up" or something that admits they messed up it would probably heal a lot of old wounds. Words are very powerful and can go a long way in healing or hurting.

[SweetLilyBugs]

Wow I am so sorry you went through all that. I have always wondered something...if you were to meet your birth-parents today would you tell them the full truth of your childhood? Would you try to gloss it over a little bit so that they don't feel the guilt when they were just trying to do what they felt best?

If any birthparents are reading this, would you want the full brutal honest truth? Would you rather the truth be sugar coated at least a little bit to take the sting away?

[Drywall]

Hello Namedtwice, your post was interesting because i went thru so much of the same.

In looking back there were 2 major problems.

First, I had been thru 2 years with a single parent who didn't want me.

So when my 2nd a-mom married my dad, I was sure she could provide the keys to getting into the family. Through her I wouldnt be tainted, suspect and an outsider. She would be MOM. There would be clean clothes, cookies, cake and pie...maybe a bedtime story. It was a fantasy.

I was 7 when I learned I was adopted and accepted the sentence my family handed down.

I was suspect, tainted and an outsider, without value.

I became a people pleaser because that gave me ongoing hope that I could become a family member. It also gave me the courage to accept whatever abuse happened because of my worthless status. I was a slave and I knew.

In the years that followed there were feelings of grief and loss that lurked in the background, but they are less now. They are no longer vivid nor do they last as long. There has been some healing.

All I can offer are some things for you.

If you have not already tried journaling, write your story from beginning to end.

Let your feelings come out. It's your story and it is not to be critiqued or shown to anyone until you are ready. This is not easy. There will be buckets of tears, but when you have finished, you will be stronger and you will have promoted healing.

Some people have suggested poetry. For me, this seems to work well.

What you have in your head comes to the surface frequently because it is fueled by triggers.

A good therapist also helps -- as well as a monthly group meeting.

I wish you the best.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by SweetLilyBugs

If any birthparents are reading this, would you want the full brutal honest truth? Would you rather the truth be sugar coated at least a little bit to take the sting away?

I reunited with my son shortly after his 18th birthday...that was 22 years ago. I knew before we even laid eyes on each other that something was horribly wrong...and I knew that eventually he would tell me about it on his own timetable. That day came about a year after I moved back to my hometown. He spent most of his Saturdays with me during the early years of our reunion. One day I could tell he was reaching a breaking point of some sort, and then it all seemed to gush out of him.

My son endured hell on earth in his adoptive home. The abuse was not only physical but mental and emotional. I just about lost my mind the day I learned the full extent of what happened in his childhood. Like many other survivors of child abuse, my son self-medicated his pain with drugs. I placed him into rehab and set him up with a great therapist who specialized in PTSD and emotional trauma. It took him several years before he could finally put the drugs down for good...he's been clean and sober now for at least 17 years.

I felt so much guilt over placing him in harm's way to begin with. I wish I'd never listened to the adults and professionals in my life who were telling me all the wonderful things that would happen in my baby's life if I just surrendered him to adoption. They turned out to be lies...and the whole thing was just one big myth.

I am so honored that my son trusted me enough to spill his guts to me that long-ago Saturday afternoon. It helped me understand him in ways that I can't even find the words for. It also showed me the tremendous courage that resides in my son's heart. So, yes, I have only positive things to say about telling your birth/first moms the truth about your childhoods.

[RobinKay]

Your post touched my heart, Ravensong. My ason has been asking about the circumstances that resulted in his adoption. I know in my head we did the right thing to keep him in the family, but I grieve for the pain he will feel as he grows up.

Your posts are always special to read, and I have learned so much from you. Thank you.

[murphymalone]

I chose to tell my birth father the truth without getting into gory details I had rehashed until they were in the clear light of day with a therapist.

I chose to tell because it is part of what makes me who I am. I survived intact where many didn't. I have emotional scars that are there; but are not weeping wounds because I've dealt with the emotional component that lies beneath. I don't believe it's something that can be dealt with without exposure on some level.

Burying that kind of rage, trauma, pain doesn't work for the long haul. As a child we push the pain under so we can manage and develop skills, hyper-vigilance, modifying our personality and disassociation to cope.

The problems carry on until the past is dealt with and we can lay the weapons down. We don't have to live in constant fear anymore.

The brain has a magnificent ability to block things to preserve the ability to go on in traumatic situations. Fight or flight mode does a number on your whole system if it goes on for years. The old brain secrets hormones etc and changes the way the body's secretions operate.

When we find ourselves in a place where it's safe to start dealing with it the flashbacks and memories come to the surface. Validation can come from a good therapist or a support group. Often the abuser doesn't have the capacity to validate because they are in denial about their own issues.

That's how the cycle keeps going.

If you choose to tell a birth parent that can be a form of validation but do so with caution. I found in hindsight that until I connected with a therapist someone neutral; to field some of the devastating pain; my "need" was overwhelming to those close to me. In order to get to the core of the impact it had on you; it's very important not to feel any restrictions related to "caring" for the person you are telling. If you get my point.

It's not that the birthparent doesn't have the capacity to understand or the ability to help.

It's that the person sharing trauma will sometimes "protect" the person they are talking to. It happens with therapists. It's called transference. A good therapist knows how to flush emotional impact they have; so the client isn't worrying about how the therapist is doing.

I spent years, weekly sometimes three times a week on and off with an excellent therapist who did not prescribe medication. Not everyone needs that kind of intervention but many do. Some people have a tremendous support system of people who can help. If you don't have that the unleashing of pain can be overwhelming.

I am so sorry that you had to go through what happened. You need to know that is was wrong. You didn't deserve that kind of treatment. Those people are sick. Society failed you. The only way we will stop that kind of thing from happening to others is to speak out and put the shame on the people responsible.

People who relinquish their children are not responsible for the actions of those who adopted them. That shame is not theirs. We as children who have now grown up to be functioning adults are not the owners of the shame either. What child is? If we don't value our children and those to come after us what else is worthy of our attention? Our possessions won't carry on our legacy. Nobody measures your worth by what you own in the end. At your grave no one will be commenting on the car you owned and if they do it speaks volumes about the person's superficiality.

People who take on the responsibility to care for children are responsible and should be held accountable for their actions. Being abused as a child does not excuse perpetrating abuse on a child as an adult. It doesn't have to happen. If our society wakes up and realizes that the emotional impact of an abuser necessitates a debt that last the lifetime of the child; things will change.

No child should be removed from a home because one parent abuses. If the other parent is willing to come forth and declare what happened and get the help required things can work out. The abusing parent should be removed and held financially responsible for the care of both parties. Too often they go on to abuse another child.

I get adamant about this subject. I do so because people want to pretend it's "airing your dirty laundry" and "we don't discuss our problems outside the family".

Those devices are denial and keep children unsafe. Air the laundry and discuss until it stops. No child should carry the shame of actions that harmed them. No child deserves that kind of treatment. We are not objects. We are not brought forth to delight and entertain those who choose to care for us although that can happen if our needs are met.

There is great responsibility that comes with agreeing to care for children and it's about time people realized that.

[murphymalone]

....And people ask why I am angry. That's why I am angry. If you have a gut feeling something is going on with a child don't walk away. Don't pacify the feeling by saying "it's not my business", "it will upset the family" and all of the other rhetoric.

We have a responsibility to reach out and validate that lost child. You know....the one with the haunted eyes. Do it. They are out there waiting for us to help.

[SweetLilyBugs]

Originally Posted by murphymalone

No child should be removed from a home because one parent abuses. If the other parent is willing to come forth and declare what happened and get the help required things can work out. The abusing parent should be removed and held financially responsible for the care of both parties. Too often they go on to abuse another child.

Then this brings one to wonder why doesn't the other parent do anything? Too often they either join in the abuse or they just hide away letting the other parent "handle the offending child". Sometimes the other parents values their relationship with the other parent moreso than the children. Why does this happen? Do they become co-abusers simply because that's what the other parent is doing? or why would they bury their head in the sand during the abuse and not come to the aid of the child?

[murphymalone]

Good question. Man if I knew that I would change it.

It boggles my mind. I suppose some of it is that perpetrators seek out malleable people. Sometimes economics but mainly I think that people who abuse and are cruel are so weak they feel the child competes with them for attention from the spouse.

I don't know why they stay really. I would eviscerate anyone who harmed my child. I think the spouse loses their sense of self and becomes complacent or something.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by SweetLilyBugs

Wow I am so sorry you went through all that. I have always wondered something...if you were to meet your birth-parents today would you tell them the full truth of your childhood? Would you try to gloss it over a little bit so that they don't feel the guilt when they were just trying to do what they felt best?

If any birthparents are reading this, would you want the full brutal honest truth? Would you rather the truth be sugar coated at least a little bit to take the sting away?

My bson and I have been in contact since he was 32. He's not big at sharing what his life was like although the picture has emerged over the years. His relationship with his adad is strained and has been for years. He basically moved out when he was 16. A lot I think is a clash of personalities. Somethings he has complained about (Dad refusing to buy a color tv) I have laughed at (we didn't even have a tv until he would have been 15 or 16). I am saddened that he didn't have a better relationship with his adad growing up, because it was certainly one of the things I wanted for him. It hurts, although he didn't have the abusive relationship some of you experienced.

I think I am more willing to hear than he is to share at this point. As always, all I can do is to assure him that I am here, and that I love him unconditionally as I always have,