[copperhead]

I came across this lecture and even though I don't have any serious addictions, I could relate to a lot of what he was saying. I felt like someone validated my feelings that I thought was just my individual personality and not a result of the adoption (or relinquishment as he mentioned). I do have some of the catastrophic thoughts and indecisiveness that he mentioned. I would be interested to hear if others could relate. I had never thought about the fact that adoptees don't have a pre trauma personality. Make sure you watch the full lecture one.

Adoption and Addiction

[Allon]

Originally Posted by copperhead

I felt like someone validated my feelings that I thought was just my individual personality and not a result of the adoption (or relinquishment as he mentioned).

Since I’m having such a hard time articulating right now I thought I’d just borrow that quote from you. The things that he brings up are like a window into my life, and I never associated any of them with adoption.

[copperhead]

It's the first time I've heard someone mention the fear of abandonment being "life threatening" for the adoptee. My thoughts have always been this....I have always been afraid of deep relationships with the opposite sex because I feel like if I was with them for years and they left me, that I would just die.... literally. I really thought I was just crazy for thinking this or just didn't have the emotional stability in me to be in a relationship. The saddest and biggest validation was when he talked about the "enormous grief of a baby waiting 9 months to meet someone that they will never get to meet".

[Allon]

I never had a fear of relationships, but I always had this weird thing going on where from the very beginning I would sort of start preparing myself for the end so I wouldn’t get caught off guard by it. I don’t think I ever held back much and have had several very involved long term relationships, but there was always a part of me that was preparing for the rug to be pulled out from under my feet. I’m sure losing my parents as I was starting college didn’t help that any.

Listening to him making his points was a surreal experience. I have wicked IBS issues. I have some sleep issues. I am a lifelong adrenalin junky, skydiving being my activity of choice. I could go on and on.

[copperhead]

I always had stomach issues too. Not really sleep issues though. I've been skydiving as well but don't think I'd do it again. It made me very sick to my stomach, lol. But I do like to try things like that. I think my relationship issues relate to the fact that I was relinquished twice. Once at birth, into a foster home and then adopted at 8 months old. My mom said I would crawl around from room to room...she felt I was looking for my foster mother. She felt sorry for me and thought it was cruel how the agency handled things.... there was pretty much no transition for me.

[Mallon]

Originally Posted by copperhead

I would be interested to hear if others could relate.

Yeah. Amazingly insightful lecture, even if you're not addicted. The pre-trauma personality thing is one to think about.

Although I'd considered it before, this really hit home that we're living a lie.

I like the statement that "'Adoption' is a cover-up."

[Ramned]

I was adopted at 9 months & I just listened to the lecture myself. That guy knows what he's talking about. I related to alot of it. I've never had a drug addiction, but I have had financial addiction. I have had workplace addiction. I love the adrenaline rush, I love being crazy. The part where he said, the biggest challenge with adoptees in relationships is being yourself - struck home with me. The whole topic of the tendency to assume the most catastrophic possibility (limbic system), I do it all the time -- Whenever someone says something I often take it the wrong way. I always feel like I am trying to blend in with my surroundings, act like certain people, it's like I'm a chameleon. The only people I can really be myself around is my adoptive brother and father. I wish my b'rents and a'rents could understand.

[copperhead]

Yes, I thought he knew what he was talking about. The whole thing about how an infant/child's brain works (the limbic system) totally makes sense. It helps me to understand why I am the way I am. Now if I can only fix those things. I have most of the issues he mentioned.

low self esteem-yes
stomach issues as a child and adult-yes
cried a lot as a child-yes, I was known as the cry baby in first grade
extreme indecisiveness - yes
ADD - not diagnosed but very possibly, I daydream and go off in lala land a lot
catastrophic thinking- yes
workaholic-sometimes, but the ADD I think keeps me from being the most efficient
being myself in relationships-very difficult

That is nice that you are close to your brother and father. I do have people I'm close to in my life but I have a long way to go in being myself with new people. I think being adopted as an older baby is huge. It just compounds the trust issues. I feel like I would be a different person if I was never adopted. Not that it would have necessarily been a better life being born to a 16 year old.

[Ramned]

Originally Posted by copperhead

Yes, I thought he knew what he was talking about. The whole thing about how an infant/child's brain works (the limbic system) totally makes sense. It helps me to understand why I am the way I am. Now if I can only fix those things. I have most of the issues he mentioned.

low self esteem-yes
stomach issues as a child and adult-yes
cried a lot as a child-yes, I was known as the cry baby in first grade
extreme indecisiveness - yes
ADD - not diagnosed but very possibly, I daydream and go off in lala land a lot
catastrophic thinking- yes
workaholic-sometimes, but the ADD I think keeps me from being the most efficient
being myself in relationships-very difficult

That is nice that you are close to your brother and father. I do have people I'm close to in my life but I have a long way to go in being myself with new people. I think being adopted as an older baby is huge. It just compounds the trust issues. I feel like I would be a different person if I was never adopted. Not that it would have necessarily been a better life being born to a 16 year old.

I think we all would be different people if our b'rents had kept us. Even after 20 years of separation I am much more like my b'rents than anyone in my adoptive family. Being adopted - I have my b'rents tendencies, but I have managed to stay on a better path with ALOTTTTTTTT of pushing and pulling by my a'rents. Had either of my b'rents raised me I'm pretty sure I would have followed in their exact footsteps: Both of my b'rents had another kid (separately) not long after giving me up, they kept them, and both of my half siblings have completely followed in their footsteps, it's really pretty crazy, they are almost step by step walking the same path that my parents took, even after years of them preaching against it!

Understanding the way we are is a big step in being able to fix, or at least curtail, the problems. I really don't think I can ever cure my issues but I hope I can prevent them from causing me to miss out on good things in life.

[SweetLilyBugs]

Originally Posted by copperhead

Yes, I thought he knew what he was talking about. The whole thing about how an infant/child's brain works (the limbic system) totally makes sense. It helps me to understand why I am the way I am. Now if I can only fix those things. I have most of the issues he mentioned.

low self esteem-yes
stomach issues as a child and adult-yes
cried a lot as a child-yes, I was known as the cry baby in first grade
extreme indecisiveness - yes
ADD - not diagnosed but very possibly, I daydream and go off in lala land a lot
catastrophic thinking- yes
workaholic-sometimes, but the ADD I think keeps me from being the most efficient
being myself in relationships-very difficult

That is nice that you are close to your brother and father. I do have people I'm close to in my life but I have a long way to go in being myself with new people. I think being adopted as an older baby is huge. It just compounds the trust issues. I feel like I would be a different person if I was never adopted. Not that it would have necessarily been a better life being born to a 16 year old.

I haven't watched the lecture yet, but your list is very interesting. I was adopted as a newborn.

I have low self esteem (I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror), extreme indecisiveness (yes! I can't even pick what I want from McDonalds!), cried a lot as a child (depends, I am told I moaned a lot...to the point that I was nicknamed Mona lol but I don't think I really cried. It wasn't exactly "encouraged" to show that kind of emotion), ADD (Yes! even have an official diagnosis), catastrophic thinking (yep), being myself in relationships (especially family relationships).

I'd love to hear from more adoptees to see what they can relate to on that list. I will definitely have to sit down and watch that video...Thanks for posting it!