[Ms_Shella]

I am so tired of all the secrecy around adoption. I am a 40 year old adoptee and found my bioparents. Unfortunately, I was a secret for them and their families don't know about me. My bio mom never told her husband or 2 grown sons that she gave me up when she was 16, so I am still a secret. As for my bio dad, he doesn't want his wife and daughter to know about me either. Why all the secrecy? I was born over 40 years ago, people make mistakes, they were teens when I was born, lets all deal with this and talk about it. Adoption is taboo in my adoptive parents home too. I think it was brought up 2x in 40 years, this is ridiculous to me? Any body else tired of all the secrets?

[Allon]

I’m a bit deep in my cups tonight, but I’ll try to answer intelligently.

YES!

I swear, I never had any issue with my life until I learned about some of the horrid practices that were happening in the 60’s. If my mother gave me up willingly then I’m all good. If I was stripped from her, then I’m in no way good. I have next to no information, and trying to get it out of New Jersey is proving to be difficult to say the least.

I think I took this in a bit of a different direction then you intended it to go. However, nobody I knew had any information about me, or if they did were unwilling to share it. With just a few details I’d have gone very happily along on my wonderful life, but not having them is affecting me greatly.

[lostmother2012]

Yes but I am a mother who was expected to keep my son a secrecy. My parents weren't happy when 'my dirty little secret aka son' came back to haunt them post reunion. I can count on one hand how many times my mum mentioned him before she died last year. My dad only talks about him when I mwntioned him. I've only recently started opening up to old school friends about my son yet they have all been supportive.

[littlewanderer]

Originally Posted by Ms_Shella

I am so tired of all the secrecy around adoption. I am a 40 year old adoptee and found my bioparents. Unfortunately, I was a secret for them and their families don't know about me. My bio mom never told her husband or 2 grown sons that she gave me up when she was 16, so I am still a secret. As for my bio dad, he doesn't want his wife and daughter to know about me either. Why all the secrecy? I was born over 40 years ago, people make mistakes, they were teens when I was born, lets all deal with this and talk about it. Adoption is taboo in my adoptive parents home too. I think it was brought up 2x in 40 years, this is ridiculous to me? Any body else tired of all the secrets?

I feel the same way...in fact a lot of us do. There is actually a term for that it is so common. Welcome to the "Birth Family Closet". The only way out it to cut off those who hide you in in there for a chance at a relationship with other Bsibs.
We go into the closet to begin with because we will take what we can get. We hope we will be brought out and some of us are but others stay in there forever.

The shame, secrecy and stigma that has surrounded adoption has done more harm than good. That is why the modern adoption practice is more open and honest.

[Ms_Shella]

It does seem our friends and colleagues are very supportive, but its our family members who are near and dear to us that are not.

[Ms_Shella]

So True....Luv the notion of a birth family closet! But I can't cut off my adoptive family to get out of the closet. I have one family member for support. I want my adoptive family to support me. I don't want to go behind everyone's back. I think all these adoption issues need to be brought to the media's attention. We need more news segments on adoption and movies. That way all the doors can open and remain open.

[firstmom47]

The secrecy is painful. My mother & I never spoke about it again after my son was born, and she lived to be 92! I told my younger son when he was 20, not before. We had an argument one day and he said something about why didn't I give him away, too? which is exactly why I didn't tell him when he was younger. Finally met my birthson when he was 37. None of it is easy. Fortunately I don't have a big family left to hassle me. Anyway, you're not alone.

[PADJ]

Wait...let me think for a moment...okay...now I have to think of how to phrase my answer...oh...okay...YES!!!!

My particular story of being the family secret is contained in various posts here on the boards, so I won't rehash all that. Suffice to say that my mom's mom didn't know about me, my brothers didn't, etc etc. And here 48 years later, it left me all with a "what the heck is so bad about me that it requires so much hoopla to deal with???" feeling.

Best,
PADJ

[leight]

I am facing it again for the first time in nearly 20 yrs since I starting my search in '92. My bmom was not able to keep me a secret-its not her nature. All of my bsibs knew about me when I found 20 yrs ago. But I only met my bdad once, and he wasn't sure that he wanted to tell his two kids-one of whom was a minor so I never pressed the issue. Frankly, I didn't like him much so didn't want to pursue a relationship if he didn't. And he didn't. He moved several times and I lost track of him.

Last night I tried to find them again on facebook and this time I found my paternal younger half brother. I sent a generic geneology message to him and just hope that he either knows I exist or just replies out of curiosity. I said I was tracking my grandfather' family and he thought there was a cousin in NY who married so-so and had 2 kids -are you related?

No reply yet but it makes me hate the way I have to craft a letter to help hide the secret....

[copperhead]

I'm not in reunion but this is exactly what I fear if I make that step. I am also 40 years old and my birth mother was 16 (birth father 19). I agree about the secrecy. My family has warned me about my birth family not having told their family...expecially birth father. Feeling like a dirty secret certainly doesn't help our self esteem. I guess what we have to remember is that we were victims of the closed adoption system and didn't have control over what happened to us. You have lots of understanding and support here. Nobody understands more than another adoptee. Hopefully your birth parents will come around. It would probably actually take a load off their shoulders. There's a part of me that feels like if my birth family never knows about me then it will be as if I never existed. Maybe that sounds silly but I feel invisible sometimes. Does anyone else feel this way?

[firstmom47]

You need to know that YOU are not the dirty secret. The way the parents' behavior was perceived at the time was what caused secrecy. Both the pregnancy and the fact that we weren't able to take responsibility and raise our children. NOT you. Also, many adoptive parents wanted secrecy because of their inability to produce a child, and fear that they would lose the adopted child. One can be happy that the child is born and still feel guilt and shame over giving him up, even if it's supposed to be for the best.

[Ms_Shella]

I feel like the dirty secret....I only share this notion with my close friends and therapist....my adoptive family has no idea how I feel. For the most part I am very upbeat and try not think about my adoption issues, but as I get older I have need to discover my heritage. Plus I have no idea about my medical history.

[PADJ]

Firstmom,
I understand the point you are making, that we adoptees aren't the dirty little secret. It was the times, the circumstances, the laws, etc. And while I agree with you in principle, in effect the result is that I feel like the dirty little secret. It probably has to do with not being able to always communicate about it normally. Seems like there's always the need to phrase something differently, or couch something in words that aren't really what we'd normally use. In other words, perpetuate the secret.

Copperhead,
Yes, I get the invisibility. And maybe that's one of the reasons that I dislike the secrecy so much...because I don't feel like I should have to contribute to the secrecy about myself. I'm far from perfect, but I'm nothing that should require this level of secrecy and worry. Kinda makes me want to take the direct approach more than I perhaps should.

PADJ

[firstmom47]

I know the secrecy and not-knowing-everything is painful. It is for the birthparents, too. Even once you know the basics, if you meet, there is so much more you'll never know, that you've missed. All of us.

[murphymalone]

Shame breeds secrecy. This whole mess could be avoided if people would stop protecting a perception that women are "evil" if they happen to get pregnant. It's all such a frustrating mess. People keep secrets because they don't want to discuss their lack of awareness today. I have no idea how tip toeing around the issue helps anyone.

I am an adoptee and I have listened to comments from my birthmother that boggle my mind. Things like "I put you on a shelf in the closet and closed the door" like I was an outdated Christmas ornament. She has also offered "If I had it to do all over again with things being the way they were when we met I wouldn't have done it" She has also made comments like "Your Brother is furious because you contacted" the place he worked because I hadn't heard from him and she tells me nothing. He is an adult with a mouth of his own. When I reunited I was an emotional wreck. Go figure. After searching for 35 years practically I find out they married each other. Who wouldn't be a wreck.

Secrecy kept my brothers from knowing I even existed. My adopted mother and father split up when I was four. The nincompoop daughter of the woman who arranged the adoption told me "They have a life". In other words butt out. Nice. That creature is my cousin by blood but I have no desire to ever cross her path or speak to her.

My mother's father's sister arranged the adoption. I don't know if the old bat ever told them things had fallen apart. All these secrets robbed me of years when I could have had support from them. It makes me sick.