[andie1977]

I can't help but to feel it's personal, I know it's not but I was a planned pregnancy and even named and yet I was still given away. I find rejection very difficult to cope with and there's always that nagging voice telling me that if the one person thats naturally programmed to love me ( my Bmum ) can't/ didn't/won't then who can.

I HATE BEING ADOPTED I WISH I WAS NORMAL!!!

[caths1964]

Originally Posted by andie1977

I can't help but to feel it's personal, I know it's not but I was a planned pregnancy and even named and yet I was still given away. I find rejection very difficult to cope with and there's always that nagging voice telling me that if the one person thats naturally programmed to love me ( my Bmum ) can't/ didn't/won't then who can.

I HATE BEING ADOPTED I WISH I WAS NORMAL!!!

Andie, it might be worth reading the birthmother forums on these forums as they may give you an insight.

Certainly, the lovely birthmothers on here have helped me in the understanding of how my own bmom may have thought and I have realised how truly complicated it all is.

[PADJ]

Originally Posted by andie1977

I can't help but to feel it's personal, I know it's not but I was a planned pregnancy and even named and yet I was still given away. I find rejection very difficult to cope with and there's always that nagging voice telling me that if the one person thats naturally programmed to love me ( my Bmum ) can't/ didn't/won't then who can.

I HATE BEING ADOPTED I WISH I WAS NORMAL!!!

Andie,
As a fellow adoptee I understand the doubt that it can create in our minds, and the temptation to blame ourselves at some level. The feelings of abandonment, betrayal, the difficulty with rejection...what was so wrong that they gave me away?

You are absolutely correct...it IS personal. These types of feelings are way too intimate to be taken in any other way.

I don't know any of the specifics of your case, but I would venture a guess that there are circumstances that either aren't in your post, or that you perhaps aren't aware of yet. For many of us, the search process may be less about reuniting and creating long term relationships as it is about finding answers. I think it may help to hear from b-moms as Caths suggests, but have you considered searching for the answers to the questions you have? No guarantees that you will like the answers, but at least you will have something concrete to be upset at instead of "being adopted" and feeling that it's your doing.

Lastly, as much as the past can hurt sometimes, don't allow yourself to believe that being adopted makes you in some way less of a person, or less "normal." I hope you find your answers.

Best,
PADJ

[cirrus]

ok.. i'm in no way trying to negate or dismiss your feelings here, believe me - but how many babies actually have that much of a personality that it could actually be personal? seriously, most babies cry and poop and sleep and that's about it.

Could it be that they just realised that they were in no position to look after you? or they doubted their own ability to be good parents?

Me, I've always loved being adopted - when I was little and in school, kids would try to wind each other up by saying "you were a mistake you know!" - my come back to that was always.. "no way man, my parents picked me out of an effin catalogue of hundreds"

:-) chin up mate.. seriously, it was not personal. if you were like 12 and they said "wow, we really hate you", and left you at a truck-stop.. ok.. THEN it would be personal.

you know, sometimes things in life can be really hard - but the stories we make up in our heads about the hardness are usually SO MUCH WORSE. These are just thoughts, and thoughts aren't facts - and they aren't you. adopted or not adopted, everybody goes through stuff like this - but please stop believing everything you think

all the best

-c

[JustPeachy]

that nagging voice telling me that if the one person thats naturally programmed to love me ( my Bmum ) can't/ didn't/won't then who can

Hope you don't mind a birth mother chiming in here. It seems to me you are making the assumption that if your birthmother loved you, she wouldn't have placed you for adoption, hence, she doesn't love you. I can't speak for your birth mother, but with regard to me, I have always loved my son, even before he was born. Placing him had nothing to do whatsoever with not loving him. I was not in good circumstances and did not feel I could give him what he needed and deserved, and my options were extremely limited, which made adoption the best choice out of a whole lot of crummy choices. I also did not reject my son by placing him (or abandon him, which is another word that gets tossed around a lot). It may FEEL that way to some adoptees (my son has expressed that he doesn't feel this way, but I know many adoptees do), but my intentions and reasons for placing were not about rejecting my son.

Of course, that doesn't change how you feel, but it might help to know that pretty much every birth mom I know loved her baby very very much and never stopped loving her child. Have you thought about searching for your birthmother? Perhaps knowing her reasons, and knowing what her circumstances were, and hearing directly from her what her situation was, might help you. Counseling is also beneficial, espeicially if you can find someone versed in adoption issues.

[identicaltwins]

Originally Posted by andie1977

I can't help but to feel it's personal, I know it's not but I was a planned pregnancy and even named and yet I was still given away. I find rejection very difficult to cope with and there's always that nagging voice telling me that if the one person thats naturally programmed to love me ( my Bmum ) can't/ didn't/won't then who can.

I HATE BEING ADOPTED I WISH I WAS NORMAL!!!

Another Bmom chiming in.

Being named by your bmom is quite "normal". It is the one thing we can give our babies even though the Original Birth Certificate will be sealed away. Many of us still feel that it is better than not having a name on your OBC.

And as for your last statement "I HATE BEING ADOPTED I WISH I WAS NORMAL!!!"

Yeah, we all wish we were normal, but we are trying really, really hard to get there.

Hang in there, we are all products of our societies, our circumstances and our reactions to such. Come here, hang out, and you can get a handle on the mind of a bmom that may help you heal.

[belleinblue1978]

You know, I used to feel like it was a personal thing that my mom placed me, then I got pregnant, was in a bad situation and ended up placing my son. Wow, did I learn it was nothing personal.

That doesn't negate that feeling though. I know I spent many a day wondering what was wrong with me, why did she keep five other kids and place me? For myself, I just had to come to a place where I knew it wasn't me, it was her situation. That is what it really comes down to, is the situation moms are in when they choose adoption. I think for most of us, it comes down to adoption being the least crappy choices of the choices available to us.

FWIW, I was named at birth and I also named my son. It was one gift I could give him.

[PADJ]

It's very interesting to hear "both sides of the story" on the question of whether it's personal or not. I don't want to hijack Andie's thread. Hopefully she will read this and chime in again, but I find it interesting how the adoptees tend to fall on one side of the question and the b-mom's on the other.

Both are correct, and the difference is in the perspective and the information that one has. As an adoptee who has found my b-mom and some of my own answers I understand where the "it's not personal" comes from...bad situations, the best option from a list of bad choices, etc. But looking back to before I had contact with my b-mom, I also know that without that perspective it is very personal. If we don't know any better the mind tends to fill in its own blanks.

That's the biggest reason I hope that Andie can find true answers to build on and heal.

[RavenSong]

Andie,

I am so sorry you're feeling unloved and rejected by your birth mum. I can't speak for her obviously, but I can tell you a little bit about my own experience in surrendering my baby for adoption. I was a teenager when I became pregnant in 1971, 16 years old to be exact...17 when I delivered my son in 1972. I tried my hardest to find a way to be able to raise him myself, but I just couldn't figure out how to do it. Back in those years, there was still a huge stigma surrounding children born out of wedlock, and unwed teenage mothers often couldn't find landlords who were willing to rent to them or employers who were willing to hire them. Neither of my parents were willing to help me at all in terms of emotional support, much less financial support. My boyfriend, whom I had been going steady with since the age of 14, up and left me when he discovered there was a warrant out for his arrest on the grounds of statutory rape. (To this day, I don't know if my mom pressed those charges or if the social worker at the Public Welfare Department did.)

For the first seven months of pregnancy, I never considered adoption. I bonded very deeply with the child growing within my womb, and I loved him with all of my heart. I talked to him all the time, sang and played my guitar for him for hours on end every single day, read nursery rhymes to him, fantasized what type of person he would become. But then fear set in...reality hit me right between the eyes, and I knew there was no way I could keep him fed and clothed, at least not until I was a little bit older.

I named my baby by my third month of pregnancy. I always knew he was a boy, although ultrasounds weren't being routinely performed back in those years in America. But somehow I just knew...much the same way I just knew within minutes of conceiving him that I was pregnant. I can't explain it in logical terms.

The day my son was born was probably the most euphoric day of my life. I couldn't legally sign the surrender papers until we were discharged from the hospital, so for the first four days of his life, he was all mine. The doctor and hospital staff wouldn't let me see him, though. My doctor was afraid that I had bonded too closely with my son before he was even born, and he feared that I wouldn't be able to go through with the relinquishment if I saw him or held him. The adults kept telling me that if I loved my son, I would give him up...I would let him be adopted by an older, financially secure married couple. I convinced myself that he would have a better life without me...and I ended up hating myself for many years because of that decision. My son did not have a better life at all; he certainly didn't have the type of life that I was promised he would have. But by the time I discovered that fact, he was already 18 years old and on the cusp of manhood.

I didn't give my baby up for adoption because I didn't love him or because I was rejecting him. I thought I was doing the best thing on his behalf...because that's what all the professionals and adults back then said over and over again.

I know it's hard for you to NOT take it personally. My son struggles with the same thoughts, even though we have been in reunion for almost 22 years now. It just about killed me when I realized he felt down to his very core being that I had abandoned him. It breaks my heart every time I think of him being a small child thinking that his own mother had abandoned him. If I had ever known when I was pregnant that he would feel so abandoned and unloved, I swear I would never have surrendered him to adoption.

[Sunshiny]

There could be many reasons you were placed for adoption. Since you were planned and named we can safely assume that something or things went terribly wrong. One of the things that I have never seen discussed on these forums is severe post partum depression. If a birthmom finds herself in this situation (of no fault of her own) she may be so depressed as not to see a future for herself or her child. The natural inclination would be to try to "save" the baby. I am not saying this is the case, but it is a possibility.

[NobodyNotReally]

Well i am apparently the youngest of 5(possibly more) and the only one given up for adoption......

.....and i take that personally. Also on top of that, i she kept me for THREE MONTHS then put me up for adoption.

Sounds/Feels personal to me.

I can totally relate to you!

[andie1977]

i found my birth mother and i asked all the important question and the answer she gave me was '' i don't really remember'' i've got and read my file and at one point she was going to have me back but then changed her mind on the day as she had planned to go to the pub that night and she didn't have a babysitter.

[murphymalone]

You are normal. Feeling the way you feel is hard. But if you didn't take it personal you would be pushing something down under the surface which will only fester and erupt later. There are a thousand reasons for giving up a child but that doesn't make any easier to accept. Time will help and talking about your feelings will help. Just know that you aren't alone. Of course it's personal. It's your story. We would be lying to ourselves if we didn't take it personally. The more information you have sometimes puts things in perspective but try not to take on someone else's issues. You couldn't have changed anything being a baby. Remember you had no control over the situation. But you certainly have the right to feel whatever you are feeling. There are many of us.

[Allon]

andie, I’m so hoping you truly understand that the problem isn’t you. I wish I had the words to take that pain away, but your last post has left me at a bit of a loss.

I try to not be judgmental towards others, but to me that behavior is insane. You are not the issue.

[copperhead]

I think we all feel this way as adoptees at certain times. I was very indifferent to being adopted until the last few years in my late 30's. When the reality of what I had lost hit me or at least what I think I may have lost, it was like hitting a brick wall. I think I repressed my feelings because looking back I can't imagine dealing with this kind of pain back when I was a teen or in my 20's. There are times when I'm fine and I think I'm over it and there are times when I feel like somebody died. As human beings, it seems to go against the grain to think that our birth parents who should be our ultimate protectors, were willing to hand us over to strangers being told they would never see us again. I do feel for the birth mothers from the closed adoption era and I know many were given no choice. I know they were probably pressured by society and family and were convinced they were doing the best for us. I did read somewhere that a birth mother said they were rejecting themselves as parents, not us. Sometimes the thing that makes me feel the angriest is the lack of support from family members (mainly speaking of our biological grandparents). It feels like such a betrayal. It's as if family members are only as good as they are convenient and god forbid a child being born out of wedlock. The loss of not having the opportunity to have relationships with our biological families is immeasurable. Maybe if I'd met mine and found they weren't so great after all, I'd feel better.