[hpfreak080]

Some of it is not always the words themselves, but how they are presented. I didn't read Amilynn's entire post but I think she touched on this a little.

My parents also used the phrase "gave up for adoption" (this was the 90s if that means anything to anyone). They also referred to my bio-mother as my "birthmother." I SERIOUSLY doubt that my parents have/had a hidden agenda to diminish my bio-mother or make her seem unimportant. In fact, whenever she was spoken of, she was very much respected and my parents spoke with much compassion about her (even though they never met...closed adoption). So, though some words/phrases may be "politically incorrect", they are not necessarily being used to "sugar coat" or diminish anyone.

Like Dickons said...it is what it is.

[BethVA62]

I agree HP, it's not always the word, but how it's presented. And I know most wouldn't use the birthmother term in a negative way.
But many do.
And many often don't know that using a particular safe feeling PC term can help to further negative implications to others when it becomes an everyday word.

I pointed out "birthmother" because it is well documented, researched and it's reason for creation is known.

A lot of people told me that it diminished my connection to my mother, on purpose, as if she was only my mother at birth.... and they showed me the many documented reasons for the creation of the word.

I am a birthmother, I've rasied both of my children, didn't make much sense to me really. And I also witnessed how this term could be coercive to women who "made an adoption plan" who were at that time called birthmothers even before they gave birth or signed any papers!

We've seen the recent change to expectant mothers, here, thank goodness for change.

if it's done for good, great.
If it's done to aid in advertising or to aid an expectant mother in choosing to make an adoption plan before she gives birth, not so great in most cases if you ask me. Consider it sure, but plan on it?

I guess I could go out and look and see how it is being used... but I could always take my husbands advice, and not let it, or what it could do to others concern me But oh no, that would be too easy, I always have to ask why! LOL

I guess it's better than "your mother 'chose' adoption for herself and you" Is that still PC? Did they change it becasue it sounds better? chose to make an adoption plan versus chose adoption? I can't help it LOL what is with the plan thing?

[BrockBaby]

I agree that as an adoptee, "it is what it is". I am not bothered by many adoption words, at least not at this moment! That is subject to change though.

However, for some reason thinking of "putting up" can goods, reminds me of beets!!! Hmmmmmm

[Dickons]

Brock,

The canned goods comment still makes me laugh.

Okay - cannot resist...I LOVE BEETS...my hubby HATES BEETS and says he will divorce me the first time I have them in the house...I compromise and have them every time I can elsewhere and continue to tease him that I will pick them up at the grocery store.

I LOVE BEETS...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[shadow riderer]

[quote=JustPeachy]I think part of the problem with any adoption language is that there are so many conflicting feelings (at least from my perspective as a birth mother, but I see this on all sides of the triad, too). There was the negative feelings of grief and loss, and yet positive feelings about bringing my child into the world. Negative feelings about being separated from my son and positive feelings about what he was given as a result of my decision. I could think of many more examples of the incongruent feelings that go along with adoption. How on earth can you begin to find accurate language that depicts both the positive and negative simultaneously? Usually it takes more than a word or phrase to accurately describe things related to adoption. The language is very limiting.[/QUOTE

Peachy, I think you said it very well. For every loss there is a gain, and for every gain there is a loss. I, like many other adoptees, grew up, basically, thinking my Bmom was young, unmarried, and couldn't keep me. Though I don't really know that anyone ever actually told me, or where I actually came up with it, but I always assumed my Bmom placed me out of love, and that she had no choice. All mothers love their children. Thinking anything other than that, uh, who would want to do that. Who wants to think that their mother didn't "want" them, or even that their mother "chose" to give them up. As an adoptee, it can get very confusing if you dwell on it for long. Even as an adult, thinking aboutit can be bittersweet.

As a child, even though I was secure with my Mom and Dad in my adoptive family, after all that's all I knew, I think somewhere I knew that something just wasn't quite on the up and up, so to speak. As a child, I didn't have the ability, emotionally, or intelectually to truly see the complexities of adoption. As a child, why would I even bother trying to figure it out. My needs were met by my APs, and BPs, were a mystery. I would think most children would choose to believe what most of us believe, the exception being children adopted from foster care. Again, why not believe that what most of us grew up believing. It's not exactly "not" true in most cases. After all isn't the alternative of believeing we were not placed out of love a bit too unpleasant. Is it not? It is for me, and adult, understanding the complexities of life, so for a child? Just my mind rambling, and trying to understand my own situation.

The first time I heard the term "Forever family", and received a "Forever family" announcement, I cried. They were bittersweet tears. On one hand I love the term. It gave me a warm happy feeling, and I'm glad it exist. I witnessed the happiness of this new "Forever family", and it was totally contagious. On the other hand, the adoptee in me, felt the loss of this sweet childs bio family. The term somehow made it feel like the bio family no longer existed; had been erased, and wasn't "forever". The "gotcha" term has the same effect. How I see those terms, depends on my mood at the moment. AS has been stated many times already, it is what it is, no matter what terminology they come up with, but how do you explain the gains and losses of adoption to a child, and not confuse them.

As an adult adoptee, and speaking only for myself, the terms can seem a little bit like sugar coating sometimes, and can seem like they are trying to put on those rose colored glasses, but, like Peachy said, what terminology could, honestly, and truthfully, describe adoption?

Terminology wont change attitudes of people who don't want their attitude changed. Thankfully, the term "illegitimate" is no longer used...much, but people still look at adoptees, adoptive parents/family, and birth families, as a bit, "less than" something at times. Blood still holds a higher status in societies eyes. It is what it is. I'm just grateful that there are people, like the ones on this board, who don't follow the rules of society.

[dpen6]

[quote=shadow riderer]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I think part of the problem with any adoption language is that there are so many conflicting feelings (at least from my perspective as a birth mother, but I see this on all sides of the triad, too). There was the negative feelings of grief and loss, and yet positive feelings about bringing my child into the world. Negative feelings about being separated from my son and positive feelings about what he was given as a result of my decision. I could think of many more examples of the incongruent feelings that go along with adoption. How on earth can you begin to find accurate language that depicts both the positive and negative simultaneously? Usually it takes more than a word or phrase to accurately describe things related to adoption. The language is very limiting.[/QUOTE

Peachy, I think you said it very well. For every loss there is a gain, and for every gain there is a loss. I, like many other adoptees, grew up, basically, thinking my Bmom was young, unmarried, and couldn't keep me. Though I don't really know that anyone ever actually told me, or where I actually came up with it, but I always assumed my Bmom placed me out of love, and that she had no choice. All mothers love their children. Thinking anything other than that, uh, who would want to do that. Who wants to think that their mother didn't "want" them, or even that their mother "chose" to give them up. As an adoptee, it can get very confusing if you dwell on it for long. Even as an adult, thinking aboutit can be bittersweet.

As a child, even though I was secure with my Mom and Dad in my adoptive family, after all that's all I knew, I think somewhere I knew that something just wasn't quite on the up and up, so to speak. As a child, I didn't have the ability, emotionally, or intelectually to truly see the complexities of adoption. As a child, why would I even bother trying to figure it out. My needs were met by my APs, and BPs, were a mystery. I would think most children would choose to believe what most of us believe, the exception being children adopted from foster care. Again, why not believe that what most of us grew up believing. It's not exactly "not" true in most cases. After all isn't the alternative of believeing we were not placed out of love a bit too unpleasant. Is it not? It is for me, and adult, understanding the complexities of life, so for a child? Just my mind rambling, and trying to understand my own situation.

The first time I heard the term "Forever family", and received a "Forever family" announcement, I cried. They were bittersweet tears. On one hand I love the term. It gave me a warm happy feeling, and I'm glad it exist. I witnessed the happiness of this new "Forever family", and it was totally contagious. On the other hand, the adoptee in me, felt the loss of this sweet childs bio family. The term somehow made it feel like the bio family no longer existed; had been erased, and wasn't "forever". The "gotcha" term has the same effect. How I see those terms, depends on my mood at the moment. AS has been stated many times already, it is what it is, no matter what terminology they come up with, but how do you explain the gains and losses of adoption to a child, and not confuse them.

As an adult adoptee, and speaking only for myself, the terms can seem a little bit like sugar coating sometimes, and can seem like they are trying to put on those rose colored glasses, but, like Peachy said, what terminology could, honestly, and truthfully, describe adoption?

Terminology wont change attitudes of people who don't want their attitude changed. Thankfully, the term "illegitimate" is no longer used...much, but people still look at adoptees, adoptive parents/family, and birth families, as a bit, "less than" something at times. Blood still holds a higher status in societies eyes. It is what it is. I'm just grateful that there are people, like the ones on this board, who don't follow the rules of society.

God post and right on target to how I feel.

Whenever I hear "positive terminalogy" I alwys ask positive to whom?

Like others have touched upon "positive" is relative to whomever is feeling the postive or negative connotations of the words.

Natural mother makes bmoms feel good and causes amoms to cringe. The child becomes either a natural(real) or unnatural(fake) child....

I really beleive most language is about intention...what is the intention of pushing certian patterns of language. Is it to change peoples feelings ? Is it to make peole feel better, one up the other? Or is it to express truth?

[dpen6]

Dickons..
Years and years ago therewas a thread about BEETS.....

whats with BEETS and adoption? LOL.....

[Dickons]

Dpen,

I remembered the thread on Beets and thats why I just could not resist.

Cheers!
Dickons

[Amandak249]

Honestly? I'll take "gave me up for adoption" just as easily as "placed me for adoption."

I have a feeling this is one of those things that is greatly influenced by what we know about our birthfamilies. Mine? Well my birthmother wanted me and my birthfather REALLY didn't.

"Made an adoption plan" for me, creates the image that my birthparents desperately wanted me, and fought against their unfortunate circumstances to keep beloved me. Sure it sounds nice, but it's not true at all. My birthfather had just started his own business, and didn't want a child. He broke up with my birthmother when she refused to give me up ( after my parents had flown down to get me) and the only way he'd get back together with her is if she placed me for adoption....

We all know how that story ended. To me, "gave me up" is indicative of a sort of surrender, an admission of defeat. And what was my adoption other than a submission?

I don't see it as being abandoned or given away. "Giving up" indicates that I was surrendered when the game was finally up. The pressure was just too much, the bad outweighed the good-and I was given up as a last resort- as the only way to salvage their family.

Just my 2 cents. I think it's a situational thing.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Dickons

Dpen,

I remembered the thread on Beets and thats why I just could not resist.

Cheers!
Dickons

LOL!!!

[bluebonnet_72]

I never thought of the forever family term being a problem. For our daughters it carries one of the most important messages they needed to know about adoption. When my daughter came to us, she was 5 and ours was the 5th family she had been in. One of the most important things she needed was to be able to finally trust that this family was her's forever. Even for my oldest who was 10, and had also had 4 other families, the thing she wanted most out of being adopted was the security that she wasn't changing families again.
I guess I never thought of forever family being in contrast to a birth family, but as being the opposite of a foster family which is meant to be temporary.

[crick]

Originally Posted by bluebonnet_72

I never thought of the forever family term being a problem. For our daughters it carries one of the most important messages they needed to know about adoption. When my daughter came to us, she was 5 and ours was the 5th family she had been in. One of the most important things she needed was to be able to finally trust that this family was her's forever. Even for my oldest who was 10, and had also had 4 other families, the thing she wanted most out of being adopted was the security that she wasn't changing families again.
I guess I never thought of forever family being in contrast to a birth family, but as being the opposite of a foster family which is meant to be temporary.

That's why it is used in the foster adoption or orphanage adoption families and not in domestic adoption families. I've never met a mom with a child from domestic adoption refer to their family that way. It's for "US" and not for every family.

[shadow riderer]

Bluebonnet, I think, especially in your situation, "forever family" is a beautiful term. My feelings about it have more to do with what was going on in my life at the time I first heard it. I actually posted about it, at the time, but it was a long time ago. I can't remember what I titled it. I hadn't been reunited with my Bdad very long, had just met his side of my bio family, and my recently found cousin and his wife were infertil, and considering adoption. Amanda is right. How we see the terminology, has a whole lot to do with our personal situations.

P.S. I love Bluebonnets. I have a part of my yard designated as "blueboneet area". They come up every year...sometimes better than others. I always plant seeds to be sure. Hubby isn't allowed to mow that area until May. He doesn't complain. lol Wishes I would plant more and they would spread all over.

Dpen and dickons, I think I remember that "beets" thread too. lol

[BethVA62]

I think forever family is great for the kids security.
As an adult, I can deal with the... whatever it is, the conflict, confusion or turmoil of it if it helps the little ones.

But I really do wish the rescue a pet people would quit using the same terms! LOL
The adopt a pet thing hasn't bugged me much.... until I saw an advertisement on the News, a private animal shelter was full, over full and they were encouraging people to foster to adopt, or just foster until an Adoption placement in a Forever Family could be found.

This one bugged me as an adult. That's got to bug a kid too if they hear that sort of thing, even when they know for sure their situation and a dogs situation just aren't the same. I dunno, it was wierd.

[shadow riderer]

Crick, I hadn't realized that. I was just sitting here wondering, how exactly, forever family worked in something like an open adoption? Would be a little weird, or maybe awkward is a better word, wouldn't it? Come to think of it, my cousins were not foster parents, but the little girl did come out of the foster care system.

Makes a lot more sense now.