[Kflie83]

I've always known I was adopted. My adopted parents are "fine", but when I got to my teenage years and now on to my adult years I've noticed how much it really bothers me. I just don't seem to click with them. When I was 14, I found my birth mother. I had an open adoption so there was plenty of paperwork waiting for me to find in my parents house. I found that my birth mother was from a big close family, was 31 when she had me, and gave me up for adoption because she had been engaged to my birth father but he was emotionally abusive to her so she called off the engagement. She wanted me to have a traditional family with both father and mother. I am admitting to myself now that I am angry. She wasn't some crack whore, or a 16 year old, or raped, or any of the other things that give women 'good excuses'.

I had my first child two and a half months ago. He is the light of my life. Blond hair and blue eyes *just like me*. A big stretch from my dark haired parents and Brazilian little brother. My birth mother drove the 4 hours to see us yesterday and told me how hard this has been on her. How she was upset about having to miss "this".

This woman chose a long time ago to mean so little to me, yet she still means so much. About 8 years ago I remember having lunch with her. She looked at me across the table at Cucina Cucina! and said, "I am so glad I didn't have an abortion". Ummm ok??? I am too? What do you say to something like that!? At the time, I just thought she was a little weird. Today though, I look at my sweet, perfect little baby boy and silently thank her with everything in my soul.

She called me today to thank me for letting her come over and told me about her bible study focus tonight.
"You cannot amputate your history from the fulfillment of your destiny."

I don't know how to put how I'm feeling into words. Am I angry at her? Grieving for a life of a different path? I can't stop myself from crying, although I did a pretty good job of holding it in while I was on the phone with her. I look at my son and don't know how she could have done it. The relationship she wants from me now sometimes hurts my heart to give her, but at the same time I want nothing else but to grab on to her and soak up all the things I've been missing. The way she thinks is so much like me, where as my parents usually seem to come from a different universe. I am just having such a hard time right now. My husband has been trying to understand, but I am hoping to get some understanding and support from someone out there.

Thanks for listening.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by Kflie83

I don't know how to put how I'm feeling into words. Am I angry at her? Grieving for a life of a different path? I can't stop myself from crying, although I did a pretty good job of holding it in while I was on the phone with her. I look at my son and don't know how she could have done it. The relationship she wants from me now sometimes hurts my heart to give her, but at the same time I want nothing else but to grab on to her and soak up all the things I've been missing. The way she thinks is so much like me, where as my parents usually seem to come from a different universe. I am just having such a hard time right now. My husband has been trying to understand, but I am hoping to get some understanding and support from someone out there.

Thanks for listening.

Hi Kflie83, You do have much to grieve and the confronting of all that buried emotion is a lot to deal with. Good for you for letting yourself give light to emotions that have been buried for so long. There are many people here on this forum who understand what it's like to grieve adoption-related loss. No matter how much our 'fine' adoptive parents and lives were, we have missed out on so much that non-adopted people take for granted.

May you grieve at your own pace and find mcuh support and understanding on this site.

[LAC1970]

hi, just read your comments, i am 40 and just starting down the path of looking of for my birth mother, totally agree with the last comment that you are going through a greiving process. I feel like i have been silent for years, never wanting to upset my mum and dad now i feel angry at everyone, including someone i have yet to meet. i am not really giving any advice, just wanted you to know are not alone. take care.

[chosenangel]

Hi Kflie83,
I believe there is for most of us, a time when we have to go beyond being grateful for having been born and adopted, to a real search for our 'selves'. It is our right to know our history. All of it. Good and bad. It is our story from beginning to end. We can't just pretend like the moments prior to our being adopted don't matter. They absolutely do. As a fellow adoptee I support and understand 100% what you are going through. I never wanted to replace my family, but I did want to know where I came from. I met my birth mother. We don't keep in touch, but at least I know her. I am a perfect mix of my birth parents and bi/tri-racial, so I didn't see myself in her. She has had a drug problem most of her life, experienced abuse in her relationships, and generally lived with out the privileges I had already had in my life at the time. We really had nothing in common and I did not feel a bond with her, but I know who she is. I know who my birth dad is, and I am very close to his sister, my aunt. I look just like her. All of these things are important to my identity, but they never meant that I wanted a new family. I wanted to find myself, and it sounds like you do to. I carried a lot of grief in my heart my whole life. I now know that it was from the loss of my birth mom. Once I recognized it and understood it, I have been able to heal and move past it. That grief was real and It had to be addressed. If adoption was recognized for everything that it is, losing and receiving, we adoptees would be able to heal sooner and live fuller lives. You are on your way...
Peace to your mind...
Strength to your soul...
Love to your heart...

Paula

Myself and a girlfriend who is an adoptee too, write on our blog at adoptedgirlz.blogspot.com about a lot of what we go through. Writing seems to help a lot.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by chosenangel

If adoption was recognized for everything that it is, losing and receiving, we adoptees would be able to heal sooner and live fuller lives.

Paula,
Thank-you for writing what you did. You've expressed so well what I've been thinking/feeling.

I think what gets me about our society and adoption is all the denial about the loss part of things. It's about as ludicrous as people saying that refugees have gained a better life in their new country and denying that refugees also lost their former country, etc;

[Kflie83]

Thank you all for your understanding! It really does help to know that other people understand what I'm saying.

[bakerjw]

I was raised by really wonderful adoptive parents. For most of my life I never had any desire to know anything about my birth mother but then again my adoption wasn't something that we talked about very often. When my adoptive parents both passed away finding her became a bit more important. My search wasn't driven by the fact that I was trying to replace my adoptive mother but more that I started to realize that something was missing in my life. There was a loose end that I started to notice flapping in the wind. If I were to ever find my birth mother then I am sure that I would be dealing with the same exact feelings that you are dealing with. We can't go back and change the past although we'd like to some times and even though we can kind of stand in someone else's shoes we may be facing a different direction and may have been wearing a better jacket than they had at the time.

The long and short. Be glad that you found her and that she wants to be involved in your life. You weren't a product of one of the normal reasons for being placed for adoption (rape, teen mother, etc...) which leads me to believe that your being placed for adoption was a well meant and well thought out decision. She did want what was best for you and came to the decision without a lot of the heavy emotional turmoil that typically would be involved. Give her a hug and cry on her shoulder. Let her know why you feel the way that you do and I'd say that together you'd both be taking a step forward in the healing process.

[Dickons]

Could I suggest a couple of books that really helped me?

To better understand the perspective of a birth mother please read: "The Girls Who Went Away" by Anne Fessler.

The other book people either gain insight from or deny any relation to is: "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. If you do gain something from it then there is a sequel called "Coming Home to Self". I personally found many insights in the book and could see myself and my siblings in many different areas.

It's hard to grieve something that you do not know and cannot understand. Just be gentle with yourself and know others have gone through, will go through and continue to go through what you are going through now. Also the birth of your child is a common trigger among us adoptees...

Peace,
Dickons