[SeekingBalance]

I have been in reunion for a few months now and it has taken over my life. I also have not been able to date at all. i have lost the ability to express emotion or interest and I am getting more ambivalent by the day. I am experiencing a detachment from myself and my body. I was wondering if anyone can relate or give me advice on how to move forward from these issues?

[Emily358]

I think joining this forum will help--it has for me. What you're feeling is normal, in my opinion. I was married when my reunion w/ my bdad started more than 7 years ago, and it took over everything. Work, friendships, marriage, family--all took a back seat for a year to a year and a half, looking back.

It gets better, though, with time! (Now I have brief episodes of obsessing, but they no longer overshadow things.) Reading books on reunion journaling, and posting here will all probably help, too.

I wish you the best in your new reunion.

[healingfeeling]

i think to a degree we all go through a phase like that where we eat, sleep and breath the reunion...looking back i want to gag over it!!!! lol...but honestly, you will find some normalcy one way or another. i hate to say it, but once the novelty wears off you will find your way back to yourself and your life...it will be different but it will be yours again!!!!!!! the emotions i felt when i reunited with my bdad were very overwhelming. i almost broke off my engagement to my now husband because we were fighting because of my "obsession" and yes, i admit now that i was obsessed and irrational. thank goodness we didn't break up because things are no longer crazy and reunion is not on my mind very much anymore and i love my husband! lol... its been 3.5 years since i've reunited...things were crazy for about 9 months for me, then after i actually said my marriage vows reality sunk in that my life was MY LIFE and i could only live it once so i better make it work and make it good.

emily! so glad to see you posting, we haven't chatted in quite a while

[Emily358]

Good to see you again, too! Is that your baby in your proflie pic? What a doll! I can tell it's been awhile, because last time I posted, he was a newborn!

[Emily358]

You are so right, by the way, at how one day we inevitably wake up and realize that our lives are passing us by and it's time to start living in the moment!

Now my bdad is just a normal (well, almost normal) part of my life and a close friend, but no longer an unhealthy obsession.

[hrisme]

Do you have access to a therapist? Sounds like a good time to talk some things out with one. Shutting down when our feelings become overwhelming is a normal, but not always healthy, coping technique. What you're going through is very normal, but if you can't find a way to work through the feelings they can become all encompasing & quickly lead to more severe issues. A mild anti-depressent may be helpful while you work through some of this.

Talk it out with friends if you have those that will listen, like others said the boards can help, as can journaling--I blog. Just putting it into writing can take some of the power from the emotions away & make them more manageable.

For the time being, try self nurturing. Do at least one nice thing for yourself each day. Utilize each of the five senses, I've made a "comfort box" I pull out when I need it (soft/smooth items to feel, scented oils, bath salts, a good book, and of course chocolate).

I don't know where you are in the reunion process & what your current relationships are like, but taking a break may be advisable. Or set specific times where you can deal with the issues--over weekends, holidays, etc. when you don't have to deal with other aspects of life as intensely.

[SeekingBalance]

Comfort box... interesting idea! I have been attempting to make my room comfortable for me, but I am too busy to make that work! I guess i have to redefine what makes me feel peaceful. Just exercise used to be enough, but now it's a new level of stress! And setting times to deal seems like a great idea, but when the flood of emotions kick in... I can't control it yet. It seems to happen most often when i am driving. Probably because I am not on the phone or computer?
I am def taking a break though for now... I feel guilty about it.... but stronger. i need to not be a pushover and run to her whenever she comes around. That's bad character I am building. lol I tried therapy, I have my second appt tomm. I overwhelme him last week, and myself. I guess I'll see what happens this time. Wish me luck!

[SeekingBalance]

Originally Posted by healingfeeling

i think to a degree we all go through a phase like that where we eat, sleep and breath the reunion...looking back i want to gag over it!!!! lol...but honestly, you will find some normalcy one way or another. i hate to say it, but once the novelty wears off you will find your way back to yourself and your life...it will be different but it will be yours again!!!!!!! the emotions i felt when i reunited with my bdad were very overwhelming. i almost broke off my engagement to my now husband because we were fighting because of my "obsession" and yes, i admit now that i was obsessed and irrational. thank goodness we didn't break up because things are no longer crazy and reunion is not on my mind very much anymore and i love my husband! lol... its been 3.5 years since i've reunited...things were crazy for about 9 months for me, then after i actually said my marriage vows reality sunk in that my life was MY LIFE and i could only live it once so i better make it work and make it good.

emily! so glad to see you posting, we haven't chatted in quite a while

When you say one day I will move on and things will be different, but my life will be mine again, what do you mean by that? As in how has yours changed since reunion? How has reunion changed you?

[BethVA62]

ohhhh the car crying is the worst!
I think I have always done it, especially when overtired/stressed and on the way home from work, but with the reunion stuff it became an everyday thing. It was like i could barely make it to my car after holding it in all day, there was no stopping it. But it wasn't always sad tears, it was like happy and sad all at once (which is even funnier looking to those passing me on the interstate)

Country music is not allowed when I am alone in my car LOL I tried the monster rock to toughen up, but that just made me angry LOL I was so thankful I got satellite radio that xmas with all the comedy channels. I bought books on tape and funny cd's to play too.

I have to agree with the getting your life back thing, same life, but I have noticed big differences one would expect, and many changes in some of the strangest ways.

Just the way I think about the world and all of my relationships is different. One particular thing I remember well was the first outdoor fire I was near after reunion. I've spent a lot of time starring at campfires wondering about everything, daydreaming, sending out signals. Campfires are completely different for me now. I didn't know what to do at my first fire, it was shockingly different LOL I just sat there, wasn't sure what to do, found myself staring at the flames in deep thought as usual, but with a huge grin, and with all new daydreams. Even nature looks different. The moon is different. I think of my marriage and my kids in a more whole light. It's hard to put into words...

<Looking at my feet> I swear I still feel roots growing and setting in. It's hurt, it's been difficult, but it sure does feel good to me, even if it still makes me cry with grief sometimes. Tears can pick up your little boat and float you to somewhere new, somewhere better.

[shadow riderer]

I like the comfort box idea. For me, it's soaking in a hot bubble bath. I did a lot of grieving, and healing, just soaking in a tub full of hot water and tons of bubbles...for uhm, hours.

That feeling of being detached from yourself can feel so strange. I felt like two different people for about two years. When I reunited with Bdad, my Bmom completely freaked out. To put it mildly, she didn't deal well with the situation at all. Add to that my Bdad, with his issues, his wife's emotional issues, their completely codependent, disfunctional relationship and family issues, and other emotionally unhealthy things, well, saying I was a little confused doesnt even come close to describing what happened to me emotionally. It's like I became swept up in a catagory 5 tornado, which I had many dreams about, and then that tornado slamming me into a tree, picking me up again, and slamming me into another tree, repeat...repeat. You get the idea, I'm sure.

Before reunion, I was fine; happy with who I was as a person. It seemed like, inside me, there was this volcano of emotion that was rumbling and, oh, yeah, it finally erupted with a vengence.

All that time, I kept wondering where I, meaning the me before reunion, had gone. What happened to that person. I missed her, and was shocked at this other person I couldn't seem to control, much less understand what was happening to her. There was the old me watching all this and going, "whoa, whoa, whoa. Did they really just say/do that? Did that really just happen? Why are they doing this to me?" among other things. Then there was the reunion me, drowning in my own emotions with everyone else pouring their own emotions on top, and expecting me to keep my head above water, as well as, rescue them. I couldn't do it.

Until reunion, I didn't even know I had any issues with my adoption. My issues coming to the surface, brought on by my BPs behavior, along with their personal and emotional issues, finally started effecting me physically, as well as, emotionally. Upon the recommendation of my ffamily doctor, I started seing a therapist two years into reunion. I had no idea until then that what I was dealing with was tons of repressed grief, among other things. What I learned through all this is how to allow myself to grieve. Just allowing myself to grieve all the losses in my life did wonders for me emotionally.

Now, after two years of therapy, 20 years of reunion with Bmom, 4 years with Bdad, I've come out of this a much stronger person. I am not the same person I was before reunion. I don't know that I can really explain it. I guess, I feel like a more complete person, and hopefully a wiser more compassionate person. I'm not sure if that's what Healing was trying to say, but that's what it felt like for me. My relationships with my BPs are pretty much nonexsistant, which makes me sad. Until they deal with their own issues, it's for the best. I do, however, have some very close relationships with other bio family. The reunion journey is not an easy one. There is, however, a light at the end of the tunnel. It will just take you time to work through it all.

In the meantime, we are all here to help you get through.

[healingfeeling]

Originally Posted by SeekingBalance

When you say one day I will move on and things will be different, but my life will be mine again, what do you mean by that? As in how has yours changed since reunion? How has reunion changed you?

hey there, glad you asked ...i'll try not to be too confusing...

before reunion i felt that i had this dark cloud of a past...it was more like a black hole...i would stare into it every once in a while and see nothing and feel very empty and alone. i was a happy funny person, don't get me wrong, but i did have MAJOR issues with men and fear of abandonment by them. i didn't value myself very much and was always trying to push myself on men and then pull away and then freak out when it didn't work out. on the inside i also had a lot of anger for my a-dad (side note: i'm half adopted, so i stayed with my mother when i was born, she was 17 and got married to my a-dad when i was almost 4).

i moved far away from my family with my then boyfriend (now hubby) (3,000 miles) and had more time to think on my own with less influence from my family. i wanted to complete the picture and began to get urgent feelings for the need to TRY to make contact. i actually wasn't sure if my bdad would want to see me because i was under the impression my whole life that he didn't want me. i actually thought and felt that the whole b-family would hate me and be mad at me for messing up their life back then and now if i resurfaced.

so i did attempt to make contact 3 times...and finally 4 months later i received a phone call and things snowballed from there. my bdad was calling me 3 times a day and all of the sudden i had another grandmother, 2 more aunts and 3 more uncles, along with cousins, who all wondered about me and remembered me and wanted me in their life. it was overwhelming and i can remember the feeling of being a constant flutter in my heart, it wasn't necessarily a good feeling but it was intense. it was all i thought about for at least 6 months. i literally felt out of control and like a lunatic! i was on these boards like 8 hours a day...it was getting out of hand...i wasn't even doing laundry or spending any time with my dh (who was then my fiance). i think my feelings may have been exacerbated by the fact that my mother and a-dad and my sister would not speak to me at all during this time. they felt i had betrayed them and they turned against me because they felt that this was "my mother's past and none of my business". so i was feeling abandoned by my family and i was in the midst of the "honeymoon phase" ((((PUKE)))) with my bdad's family.

anyway, after i had my son who is now 2 i realized what my bdad walked away from. and i pulled back but didn't close the door. he has since pulled completely back and we haven't spoken in 2 years. but i feel much more normal now and i'm still so glad i had my reunion. i am still in touch with my grandmother and aunts and they are great, i feel close to them without any pressure or manic feelings.

as a whole, since i have been reuinted i feel complete...i know its cliche, but its true. i feel that i have seen all there is to see about myself as far as my past and genetics. i've seen the good things that i get from my bdad's family and i definitely see some of the bad. i feel validated in a very satisfying way!!! for once in my life i made a decision about myself FOR myself and it made me realize what i am capable of dealing with and how far i've come in life. reunion has given me a feeling of SELF that i have never felt before...and i really, really love it!!!!!

no matter how much drama i have dealt with and some truths that i have learned that are ugly i still wouldn't change a thing because all of these aspects have shaped my life and my TRUE WHOLE SELF!!

and just for the record i am back to "normal' with my mom and adad and sister....

[SeekingBalance]

Originally Posted by BethVA62

ohhhh the car crying is the worst!
I think I have always done it, especially when overtired/stressed and on the way home from work, but with the reunion stuff it became an everyday thing. It was like i could barely make it to my car after holding it in all day, there was no stopping it. But it wasn't always sad tears, it was like happy and sad all at once (which is even funnier looking to those passing me on the interstate)

Country music is not allowed when I am alone in my car LOL I tried the monster rock to toughen up, but that just made me angry LOL I was so thankful I got satellite radio that xmas with all the comedy channels. I bought books on tape and funny cd's to play too.

I have to agree with the getting your life back thing, same life, but I have noticed big differences one would expect, and many changes in some of the strangest ways.

Just the way I think about the world and all of my relationships is different. One particular thing I remember well was the first outdoor fire I was near after reunion. I've spent a lot of time starring at campfires wondering about everything, daydreaming, sending out signals. Campfires are completely different for me now. I didn't know what to do at my first fire, it was shockingly different LOL I just sat there, wasn't sure what to do, found myself staring at the flames in deep thought as usual, but with a huge grin, and with all new daydreams. Even nature looks different. The moon is different. I think of my marriage and my kids in a more whole light. It's hard to put into words...

<Looking at my feet> I swear I still feel roots growing and setting in. It's hurt, it's been difficult, but it sure does feel good to me, even if it still makes me cry with grief sometimes. Tears can pick up your little boat and float you to somewhere new, somewhere better.

Wow, I totally know how you feel. I read this post this morning and it really blew me away. Esp the nature thing. I always knew things were beautiful, but i would awknowledge it and wish someone else was there with me. When i was dating, i would think it was my significant other i was missing and wishing they were there with me... but then when they were, i still would not feel whole.
i think now there is just somewhere to miss someone, someone to focus on, and not ust an energy I am missing. i still have not yet met her, but knowing she is alive and actually putting a face to the energy is epic. I can also really relate to feeling more grounded. it is a real physical sensation as well as psychological. i've gotta admit i prefer the physical part of it. i am not yet ready to date, but when i do, i think it will be much healthier now. i can be present, not clingy and absent. so strange, the mix of the two...