[cujobyte]

I have this dream that somehow, someday this long nightmare for adopted people is going to change. The concept of closed adoptions is a 20th century experiment that has gone horribly wrong for people on both sides of the adoption divide. In previous centuries adoption was far more open. When will people see that the way the courts treat us is appalling! It is bad enough that we must be in this situation, not knowing our heritage, our ancestry, but to be treated as children long past the age of consent is maddening beyond belief. There is zero reason in this day and age that we should not have access to our information should we want it.

I paid the money to have the placement agency (Catholic Charities) search for my birth parents after many, many years of searching myself. I was galled to have to pay to get this information. However, in my case I am fortunate beyond belief. My mother wanted to know me, in fact wanted me period, and we are well on our way toward a fulfilling, wonderful, long-term relationship. I am truly blessed as I see that it is not always like that. Indeed, to all appearances my birth father does not want contact, but the case is not closed on him as of yet.

Do we honestly believe that women will cease to give their children up for adoption if the information were to be available to the child upon reaching majority? That somehow the "cone of silence" is all that is contributing to their decision to place us with a family who can better care for us? I don't know the answer to this question and would love to hear from birthmom's on this topic. I think that the closed adoption process is what breeds negative outcomes to searches, aka bmothers and bfathers denying contact or even basic information. A birth mother or father, assured that the information would never be given to the child, has lived his or her life believing that, only to be confronted many years later with the reality that a person, a living, breathing person, wants information. Wants to know the most basic human facts about him or herself. To have this denied is an injustice, a trampling of our basic rights as human beings.

After finding my birth mother, after gaining all the required consents, I asked the caseworker for a copy of my birth certificate. Guess what she told me...you got it...I am now "allowed" to see that document. Really? I, a 45 year old honest, hard-working, taxpaying citizen, am not allowed a true copy of my most personal of documents, the certificate that states I was born.

I want things to change for people in the future. Does anyone know of a group that is lobbying to change the laws regarding disclosure? Please let me know as I am mad enough to march on Washington by myself wearing a sandwich board declaring that I am not an animal, I am an adopted human being with rights.

/end rant

[mymotherssacrifice]

Hello. Thanks for this post, I totally agree. In many ways it feels like the laws boil down to treating babies as if they are the perpetrators while the birth mother and father were innocent victims in the whole fiasco. I believe it is a birth given right to know where we came from and it saddens me to see how many people are denied that right. My circumstances are a little different (if curious read my story thread) but not knowing the truth made a major dent in my life and caused irreversible damage. My adopted parents decided to raise me as if I were their bio child despite the fact that I am bi-racial and they are not. My adopted father has terrible genetic disorders that they would have rather had me believe I would inherit. On top of this both of my adoptive parents were racist. I had asked many times if I was adopted and was told no by my adopted mother. Finally two years ago when I was pregnant with twins (child 2 and 3) I decided it was about time I knew the truth. Luckily for me I live in an open adoption state, had it not been for that fact I don’t even know if I would have been able to find out that I was adopted. My adopted mother is really my biological aunt. The saddest part of this all for me is that I had been very close as a child to my great-grandparents who are now both deceased. Their home was full of old family photos and my great-grandmother kept records of everything. I had at one point requested to get some of the photos just because I thought they were neat but never pushed the issue because I did not think that they a completely Caucasian family were related to me. (I didn’t even know my birth mother existed so the thought that I was adopted by my own blood relatives never occurred to me.) A different aunt threw everything away. My adoptive mother kept me away from my great-grandmother (wouldn’t tell me where her nursing home was) in her final years because she had dementia and I think she was worried that my great-grandmother would tell me. I was also hidden from most of my extended family, every year there were huge family reunions and coincidently once I was born my adoptive mother stopped going to them. I have a lot of anger growing up convincing myself that I wasn’t related to these people only in the end to find out I was. All of those family stories and family photos are gone. My adoptive mother was furious when I began my search and flat out told me she was told by the courts when she adopted me that I would never find out. This attitude of keeping secrets and treating adoptee’s like they are criminals not worthy of even knowing who they are needs to stop, the other people move on with their lives, but for the adoptee there is always a void and emptiness of not knowing who we are. I have two co-workers that have wives that were adopted from closed adoption states (Washington state and California) where their birth mothers denied contact after they were contacted by the third party. These women both have children; one of them is deaf and has no family medical history. It has caused major pain for both of them to be denied the knowledge of where they came from. I would suggest looking at how adoption records got opened up in Oregon on their state’s website. I believe it got passed in 1996. Good luck and bless you for wanting to help others.

Amanda

[jerseygirl1212]

I too was adopted out of Catholic Charities in New Jersey. I have been looking for quite some time for my birthmother on my own. Was the "non-identifying" info helpful? Did it give you your health history?

[cujobyte]

For MyMothersSacrifice I don't even know how to begin to tell you how sorry I am for your situation. In my birth family my mom's (yes, I call her mom now) aunt adopted one of her siblings. She didn't find out that she was not her child until she got married and needed her birth certificate. Needless to say she was angry!

In my adopted family my eldest brother, the only one to have children, did not tell any of his girls that he was adopted. The topic was completely taboo in his home while the kids were growing up. This was incredibly hard on their aunts (my sister and I) as we were always afraid to spill the family secret accidentally. I believe with all my heart that this cancerous secret keeping led us to not be as close to the girls as we would have had this been an open topic. It was strange too as my adopted parents told all of us we were adopted when we reached the age of 7. My brother finally told his now adult girls this past summer when I found my birth mother. He did this at my request because I did not want to have to keep my new family a secret from them.

For you, JerseyGirl, I did get the non-identifying information and no, there was no medical information in there other than my mother was 5'4" tall and healthy. One of the first things my mom told me when I spoke with her on the phone was that I could have a rare genetic clotting disorder that could kill me and that I should be tested!

For anyone who might be interested in my story, I am a historian and an avid genealogist. I have spent my life doing other people's genealogies, including my adopted family's. I was raised thinking that I was Lithuanian and Irish, half and half. I began my search 15 years ago by going to the hospital where I was born and requesting my birth certificate. I got a call a few days later when I returned to my home state from a nice lady at the hospital in Virginia (a closed adoption state if there ever was one) and told they could not locate it. She said she could not find my records. When I told her that I was adopted she said she couldn't give them to me anyway. I asked her how many baby girls were born in the hospital on that day and she said 3. I asked how many at 9:54 a.m. and she laughed. She said that she would send me back my money. She did, with the three names of the girls written on the back of the paper!

Being that I thought I was Irish, I thought it was the Irish name. When I got my non-identifying information I found that my name was 9 letters long! Definitely not the Irish name! I once came very close to finding my mother about 5 years ago, I came across an obituary for a child of my grandmother's but there wasn't enough information to act on.

I finally paid the money last spring to Catholic Charities. My sister, born in Hawaii had done the same thing last year only to be told they couldn't locate her mother and her father had denied contact. I was heartbroken for her. It is truly her father's loss as my sister is one of the most wonderful human beings on the entire planet! She did find out her mother, who's name was Phyllis Clayton, was from New Jersey! Guess what I call her now? You got it...Jersey Girl!

I got the call on a monday morning in late July. The woman in Virginia said that not only had they located my mother but she was overjoyed to hear I had been found! She was married, had been married in fact for 44 years to a man who was not my father and that she had three children who all knew about me!!! She had told them when they were teenagers.

I also found out that she had met my step-dad two months after I was born and married him two months later. After the wedding she and my step-dad went back to Catholic Charities and tried to get me back!!! She was told no, that was impossible as I was already placed with my adopted family, though the adoption was not final for another 4 months. I had, and sometimes still have, a hard time processing this information. I understand rejection, it is a primal fact of my life being an adopted child. I do not understand being wanted. I wept when I found this out. In fact I am still crying a little now thinking of it.

My mother sent me pictures of herself. When I opened one that was taken when she was in her thirties, I kind of looked and went, hmmm, she looks a little like me. Other people looked at it and gasped, I am the spitting image of that woman! Only after I looked at a picture of her side by side with a picture of me did I realize they were right. As an adopted person, never knowing anyone who looked like me, I really had no internal conception of what I look like! Yes, I look in the mirror, we all do. And yes, I have pictures of myself. But I had no external basis or confirmation growing up of here is where I got my nose, my eyes, my chin.

I met my mother and step-father in August. We met up in North Carolina as they live in Florida and I live in Maine. The moment when we met was amazing! My step-dad captured it on video. In case anyone is interested in seeing it you can download it and watch it (PC only) at http://www.dominionofnewengland.com/meeting.wmv.

That five days was the fastest five days of my life. We spent every evening staying up later and later talking into the night. After about the second day I stopped calling my mother by her first name...it just didn't seem right. On the last night I told her that I only had one problem, what to call her. She said of course I could call her mom if I wanted to. We cried. It was a little odd at first but it is easy now.

I lost my adoptive parents when I was young. My father died when I was 11, my mother when I was 23. I have not had parents for a long, long time. I am graced, gifted, and blessed to have these people in my life now. My birthday was last week. It was, bar none, the best birthday of my life. I awoke and gave thanks to God that I knew who my mother was and where she was at that moment. We both sent gifts to each other. I am wearing the necklace my mom gave me, an identical one to the one she has been wearing for the past thirty years. I promised her I would never take it off and I won't.

I am going to Florida for Thanksgiving to meet my family. My grandmother is still alive, and I have 8 aunts and uncles, most of whom will be there, as well as two of my three siblings. I am nervous but incredibly excited.

So that is my story. I am joyous over my own situation but grieve for those who still seek and find nothing but red tape and brick walls. My home state now, Maine, is an open state and had I been born here I would have been able to just walk into the county courthouse and get my information years ago. I know that this is a state by state issue but I find that fact frustrating. Where you were born should not dictate your access to information. We are all human, we all have, or should have, the same rights to information. I will look into how the laws got changed here and in Oregon, thanks for the tip, but I think a national campaign is in order. Who is with me! We need to rise up and tell anyone who will listen that we are human and that our basic rights are being trampled upon.

BTW - I found out after doing an extensive genealogy on my own family that I am not Irish! Not even a little! I am English, Scottish, German, a small part Lithuanian and Belorussian. But mostly Scottish. I'm delighted, because after all, if its not Scottish, its crap! LOL!

[mymotherssacrifice]

Thanks for sharing more of your story. It is amazing to hear success reunions. I’m sure it is weird having your bio mother in your life, but on the other hand it sounds like you have also formed a relationship with her that is very special. How exciting that soon you will be meeting even more of your family members. I think that is awesome that your bio siblings know the truth and if they are like your mother I’m sure they are looking forward to meeting you.

I commend you for being such a strong woman despite all of the obstacles in your life. I cannot even imagine how difficult digesting the fact that your bio mother did try to get you back must be. For myself there are so many little pieces that I put up on a shelf until I’m ready to try and digest another piece because if I take them all off the shelf at once I find myself overwhelmed.

It is very interesting how everyone deals with adoption differently. Do you think your nieces would have preferred to be told when they were younger about your brother being adopted? I don’t get the taboo. My husband has a cousin who had a similar thing of never being told she was adopted. To me by my adoptive mother not telling me it just feels like she is so ashamed of who I am that she can’t even talk about it, like I am not good enough and I feel completely rejected. Lots of people are adopted; I just don’t understand why some people see it as such a negative thing. In my life I am so big on honesty and like you said it put up a barrier to your relationship with your nieces.

That is really neat that you do genealogy work. I’ve done a little bit of searching. From what I can tell on my bio fathers side the last name was a slave name, so half are Caucasian and the other half are African descendants. From looking on myspace and facebook I would say the majority live in the south. I do hope to eventually look in to more genealogy on both sides of my family.

I have no experience with changing laws, but I am definitely willing to get involved. In a perfect world all states would be open adoption states. A side from looking into open states I’m curious how adoption is handled in other countries. I think you have a great idea, and that there are a lot of us that would be on board to helping others to find the truth.

[cujobyte]

I did find a group that is working actively to change the laws. You can find them through Bastard Nation, bastards.org. I paid the fee yesterday to join them. There is a march planned for July 25th next year in Kentucky. There will be a big meeting of all the state legislatures so we can get some bang for our buck there. Bastard Nation has some fascinating information on their site about the adoption industry and laws. Looks like I was right, closed adoptions are a completely 20th century construct, really only coming about after World War II.

I think it is vital to tell kids when they are really even too young to completely understand. Growing up adopted is a process, one which requires bits of acceptance at a time. In my case I was told young, but was also told that I was Irish. When I was a young woman I had a doctor tell me that I was biracial as well, though you would never know it to look at me. The only indication is my gums are very, very dark. In doing my genealogy I found on my birth father's side that my great grandmother is listed on one census as African American and on the next she is listed as white. My guess is she was very light skinned and "passed" sometime prior to her marriage.

As to the Irish thing, I spoke with my birth mother about that last night, as that is still kind of a sticking point with me. She said that she never told the adoption agency that I was Irish. Then it hit me...my adopted mother told me many years ago that they had specifically requested children of Irish descent. All my siblings are part Irish. Now I think that the adoption agency lied to my parents in order to place me with them! Both of my adopted parents were 100% Irish, their families immigrating to the US in the 1870's and 1880's. I married an Irish guy who's dad was delighted that his son had found a "nice Irish girl". Not that my father-in-law is not completely accepting of who I am now, but it feels weird to have thought something about myself for 44 years that just wasn't true! In some way I am glad my adopted mother is not alive to hear this news as I am certain she would have been upset about it. Irish heritage was very important to her and I did confirm that the records clearly state that I am Irish. I suppose this is just another example of the lengths that the adoption industry will go to in order to place children. The facts of our heritage are meaningless to them, witnessed by their behavior in trying to keep information from us as adults. Has anyone else out there had a similar experience? How did it make you feel to find out your deepest beliefs about your heritage and ancestry were a lie?

[jerseygirl1212]

Cujobyte: thank you to you and to MYmothersacrifice.The woman on the phone at Catholic Charities did tell me I have siblings out there somewhere.My parents also adopted my younger brother who is my half brother. That means there are more of us out there. It is driving me crazy that I don't know where else to go to get my records. I sometimes feel like I was found under a rock somewhere.It feels good to talk to others. I thank you so much.Jerseygirl11212

[named-me-Marian]

I am 43 and do not know were to start. Can you point me in the right direction. Born in NY, Elmhurst City Hospital. May 23, 1966. Louise Wise Agency. How do I go forward. To find good results like your self.

[cujobyte]

Hi Marian,

Your agency has contracted out their post-adoption services, which would, I believe, include searches. The contact info for post-adoption services is:

These services are provided for Louise Wise Services by Spence Chapin.
For information at Spence-Chapin call Kara Styles, (212) 360-0259 or email her at kstyles@spence-chapin.org.

I would start there. I wish you all the luck in the world with your search!

Peg

ETA to meeting the rest of my birth family on my mother's side...9 days!