[L.M.Merry]

Hey everyone! Just when things seemed to be settling down some it all gets stirred up again. This roller coaster ride is crazy and never seems to end. I guess hearing from my bmom last week did this to me. I was glad to hear from her as I thougth things were slowly fading away with her. Nothing major with her call but it sure sent my emotions flying all over the place.

I never knew I could feel such a range of emotions. It gets so clouded and confusing. It's been like one of those snow globes all shaken up but the little snow flakes aren't coming down, they're all still up in the air and floating around.

I've never been like this my whole life until I found both of my bparents. I know it will all settle down but this week has been something else. One minute I want to scream and throw things and the next I'm crying my eyes out. I can't get a grip on it and have wanted to pull away from everyone bparents, aparents.

While I'm whinning and complaining her in my self pitty party there is a word that really bugs me to pieces. For 37 years I called those two wonderful people who raised me Mamma and Daddy. That's who they were (are). But now since I have found everyone I've begun referring to them as the "adoptive parents". I know I have to distinguish who I'm talking about but I have felt the most guilt over that word. To me and for me only I feel that I've lessened their value and that they do not deserved to be called "the adoptive parents".

I've really gotten off track here and feel better just letting things out. I love reading what everyone has to say and what they are going through. It's good to know during these times I'm not alone and others are riding that emotional roller coaster too. I don't comment often but I sure read what's going on with everyone and I sure think of you guys often.

Thanks everyone! LM Merry

[healingfeeling]

hi lm,

i felt the same way when i first reuinted. i hated having to call my dad my adad and it really got into my head and made me question what parents really are and what family even means to a person. it was mind boggling.

things started to go south with me and my b-dad when he kept referring to my dad as my step-dad. i told him that he wasn't my step dad, he adopted me, he's my father now. i thought that scared my b-dad off, but it turns out he was just heavily using again and thats why he disappeared.

now when i speak to my b-family about my a-dad i simply say "my parents" and make it plural, that way they know HE is my father not just my step or adoptive father. i also acknowledge my bdad as my father, but he is incapable of that role right now so its not an issue.

hang in there!!!!!

[Dickons]

L.M.

Your mom and dad are your mom and dad - plain and simple...do not refer to them as your adoptive mom and dad.

I am very clear in who I will call mom and dad and when meeting any of my birth family I clarify it when the discussion turns to my famiy - not that I have met either of my birth parents. When I think of my birth/first mother and father it is by their first names. Could you try that?

I don't think you are having a pity party - just need to give voice to thoughts most outside of our world can never understand. You are doing fine.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Amilynn22]

I'm just a few weeks into "reunion" (I hate that word...how can you be reunited with a stranger?).....anyway, I made it very clear from the beginning who my mom and dad were and if my bmom can't handle it, that's her problem! She is nice and I'm sure we will be friends at some point but I only have 1 Mom, 1 Dad, and 1 family. I am and always have been very secure about who I am and where I come from. My bmom carried me and gave birth to me but it ends there. She is very much a stranger to me. I think when people start the "reunion" (cringe..) process, they make it harder than it has to be. I guess your state of mind depends on why you decided to search in the first place. When it comes to labels on here....I call my parents "my parents" or Mom and Dad and I call my bmom just that. I honestly don't know why people use "amom" and "adad"....we don't refer to ourselves as an "achild".

I am sorry that you are feeling conflicted! I hope you find some inner peace soon. Just remember where you came from and who you were before "reunion" and just stay that person....the rest is just extra. Good Luck!

[ripples]

Originally Posted by Amilynn22

we don't refer to ourselves as an "achild".

Great point! BTW - I just thought of a possible solution to the dilemma about how to distinguish between the two sets of parents. How about 'older mom' and 'younger mom'? I know it's not perfect, but it parallels how families refer to their 'older daughter' and 'younger daughter'.

[BethVA62]

I think this is a stage we get to go thru, I did, and it wasn't easy!
It did lead me to see my parents in a different light, but I think it's a good grown up kind of light. Maybe that's why it is mind boggling, kind of like growing up and feeling more independance when we don't want to

It's hard when you are typing here or talking to strangers, cause you have to use terms you might not use at home just to make yourself clear.

I don't like using prefixes for any of my parents. But here you almost have to to be clear. I use the a's and b's when talking about parents in general, but with mine I try to just say my dad or my father, my mom or my mother. And it depends on the conversation. I think it takes practice. I get to the place where I don't care if people could understand or not, I'm calling my dad just plain ole Dad, cause that's what he is.

At home when talking to my husband, and I say Dad said blah blah blah, he gets lost, cause I call them both dad to their face. So I say Dad and add first name, or the state they live in.

Using my Dad's first name was wierd at first, but now I like it, I don't use it with him, but it makes me see that he is more than my dad, he's an individual, he even has a name, imagine that.

It's easy with my kids... grandad, grandpa, nana, grandma.
I use those terms alot lol

[BethVA62]

Originally Posted by ripples

Great point! BTW - I just thought of a possible solution to the dilemma about how to distinguish between the two sets of parents. How about 'older mom' and 'younger mom'? I know it's not perfect, but it parallels how families refer to their 'older daughter' and 'younger daughter'.

Sounds good to me, but I'm too chicken LOL
If my 'older' mom heard me say that, I could possibly die a horrific death!
I doubt my younger mom would mind tho

[belleinblue1978]

Ripples,

Older mom and younger mom doesn't really work either for some of us, my first mom and mom are the same age. The only time I ever use adoptive parent is when I need to clarify.

As a first mom myself, I guess I see it this way, there are labels that everyone has to wear for clarification purposes sometimes. When it is being used for clarification, I don't worry about it too much. When I talk to my brother in my first family (see clarification) I just use mom and dad. When I talk to my mom and dad about him, I don't clarify that he is in my first family.



Some of us do get referred to as our adoptive parents adopted children. If you grow up in a family with both biological and adopted kids, occasionally, again for clarification purposes, I get referred to as one of the adopted kids. I'm totally ok with that, I am my parents adopted kid, just like my baby brother is their bio kid.

As for calling it reunion, sure we are relative strangers, but we aren't strangers to our first moms, so for them it truly is a reunion, and really, a family that was intact at one point is being reunited.



I think part of it comes down to just being comfortable with the status of who we are and what our MANY labels are. I bet if you sat down and wrote down all the different things you get called, you'd be amazed at all the labels there are and the ones we use in the adoptive world are just a few more.

[BethVA62]

Let's all try not to use the a's and b's for a while
and see what happens?

I bet we could make sense without them.

[BethVA62]

LM Merry,
I remembered this and thought maybe it could help some.

I actually got the guts up to talk to my mom about this one time. I was afraid she might somehow see something I had written or what ever while refering to her as 'amom' and my other mother as 'mother', and it would hurt her feelings.
I despise using the B terms for my family, especially after reading all that I have read about using the B words. So I wanted to explain to her what was up with that.

She said she understood, and it was OK, cause she is proud to be not only my mom, but my adopted mom too.
She said she liked adopted mom, versus adoptive, cause it sounds like I adopted her.

go figure

[BethVA62]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

As for calling it reunion, sure we are relative strangers, but we aren't strangers to our first moms, so for them it truly is a reunion, and really, a family that was intact at one point is being reunited.

Thanks Belle for that point of view
I've never really thought of it in that way before

[ripples]

Originally Posted by BethVA62

At home when talking to my husband, and I say Dad said blah blah blah, he gets lost, cause I call them both dad to their face. So I say Dad and add first name, or the state they live in

That sounds like a good solution - calling both Dad and then adding their name to distinguish between the two. Come to think of it, my niece would refer to her two grandpas this way by calling one Grandpa-P (P is the initial for my dad's name) and Grandpa-G (G is the initial for my stepdad).

[BethVA62]

was talking to one of my buds today.
Since he doesn't know my dad's names...
I said my Kentucky Dad is coming to visit next week, and I am going to visit my Carolina Dad in November.

My bud said, what, do you have a Dad in each state or something?

[JustPeachy]

While I'm whinning and complaining her in my self pitty party there is a word that really bugs me to pieces. For 37 years I called those two wonderful people who raised me Mamma and Daddy. That's who they were (are). But now since I have found everyone I've begun referring to them as the "adoptive parents". I know I have to distinguish who I'm talking about but I have felt the most guilt over that word. To me and for me only I feel that I've lessened their value and that they do not deserved to be called "the adoptive parents".

There is really no reason for you to have to put the "adoptive" in front of "parents" when referring to your parents. You only have one set of parents. I would never expect my son to refer to me as his parent. I did not raise him.

I also don't expect him to call me "mom" even though I am one of his moms. If he wants to and feels comfortable calling me "mom" that is fine, but I would never expect it. I figure if we ever do meet and form a relationship, he will probably call me by my first name, and will likely describe me as his "birth mom" for clarification if other people ask who I am or how I am related to him.

[BethVA62]

It's like a facts and feelings tornado
It hit me too
While I know exactly who my parents are, who has parented me
the meanings of the word 'parent' are:
-one who brings forth offspring
-one who cares for and brings up another
parent - Definition from the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

so factually my father would be a parent, both of my fathers would be my parent

now my feelings of who is my father or parent could be entirely different than the meanings of the actual word.

If you want to stay stuck in this guilt, then of course you can, if you want out, you'll need to think of it differently.
it might be helpful to remember that your parents wanted to be adopted parents, and sounds like they deserved to be adopted parents and probably like being adopted parents, and you're probably glad that they are adopted parents! I know calling them such is so freaky!

Most of us have never refered to them like that, unless we were stuck answering questions
You know, where you end up saying things like-they adopted me or they are my adopted parents not my biological parents.

Just like they never refered to us as their adopted children, sometimes it just comes up and we have to say it.

I wonder, no matter what we call anyone or how we think of them - if we should feel so bad about calling them such prefixes when talking about all of our parents, or mothers and fathers, and trying to help others know who we are talking about?