[curiositykitten]

Last week was my birthday and my biomom didn't call, send a card or recognize it. After telling me how depressed the day always made her and now she's come full circle ect.. she didn't even bother to call. Last month was her birthday and I sent her a card and a small ornament, nothing fantastic but a token. She didn't even call to say she got that. Then when I sent her an email about my daughter she replied by sending me a forwarded email about toilet paper.

Honestly, I'm beginning to just feel like I need to delete her number from my phone and be happy that she didn't raise me after the last two or so years of what I've done through trying to relate to her.

To be fair, my biodad also forgot it too, but my half sister didn't and was nice enough to send me a text message.

When do I get to stop feeling like the kid that keeps staring out the window waiting for something to happen?

[Dickons]

Curiositykitten,

No idea but hazarding a guess...it is even harder to reach out and celebrate the day she lost you and mourns that you don't have the mother/daughter bond you would have had...and probably have with your mom?

It is such a hard road sometimes - pull back happens and usually has absolutely nothing to do with the other person...just too many emotions and you can't put them back in the place the used to be.

Happy Belated Birthday! Focus on the good parts and keep the door open.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[SuzySSunshine]

Focus on the people who are actually a real part of your life. This particular person is not interested in you. That is OK. Don't make it more than it is.

[curiositykitten]

Originally Posted by SuzySSunshine

Focus on the people who are actually a real part of your life. This particular person is not interested in you. That is OK. Don't make it more than it is.

Wow. That's awfully harsh. Ouch.

[curiositykitten]

Originally Posted by Dickons

Curiositykitten,

No idea but hazarding a guess...it is even harder to reach out and celebrate the day she lost you and mourns that you don't have the mother/daughter bond you would have had...and probably have with your mom?

It is such a hard road sometimes - pull back happens and usually has absolutely nothing to do with the other person...just too many emotions and you can't put them back in the place the used to be.

All of these are excellent points.

I'm not so much worried about the pull back because I expected it. I guess that I'm trying to reconcile the words that she says and how her actions don't match them. Then trying to figure out how to process that all.

[belleinblue1978]

My first mother isn't interested in contact with me, and I have just had to learn to accept that I can't know what has happened to her and why she acts the way she does.

I know that doesn'tmake this the same, but I'm guessing it was easy for her to say she is full circle, but not really feel it. Maybe she thought you wanted to hear that? That she was saying the right thing to you?

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by SuzySSunshine

Focus on the people who are actually a real part of your life. This particular person is not interested in you. That is OK. Don't make it more than it is.

That's pretty easy for someone to say, but this woman gave birth to her. How horrid it is to feel like the person that is supposed to love you the most in the world can't even send a bday card. More than it is? I'd say it is pretty darn huge.

[SuzySSunshine]

I'm sorry you see it that way. It is intended to help and encourage you.

[healingfeeling]

hey curiositykitten,

i'm sorry you're feeling sad about your bmom letting your bday go by.

this year was my 30th and my biodad didn't call, write, send a card or even relay a message in anyway. his mother did call and leave me a message on both my cell phone and home phone. however, i'm just as bad as he is because i didn't even return her call, in fear that biodad would answer the phone and i'd have to speak to him and it would be weird since we haven't spoken in quite a while.

i have accepted that he cannot handle the emotions of being in a meaningful, honest and real relationship with me, his only child. his family blames his addiction and that could very well be true. however, i am not addicted to anything and am a happy and whole individual and even i cannot handle sending him a card...his bday was last week, and i really do love him, i just can't go there right now.

that may have been confusing...lol...but i'm just trying to say that sometimes even people who do love you cannot visit certain emotions and like another poster said, your birthday is probably filled with emotions for her too. avoidance is a powerful, but dangerous tool.

[curiositykitten]

I've been cautious in my reunion not to open myself up too much and I think that it is probably a good thing that I have. My dad used to tell me that people can say whatever they want, but it's how they back it up with their actions, and I guess that I'm going through the painful process of realizing that she's able to say one thing, but do entirely different things.

For all the times she's said how important this is, and how it's come full circle and all the offers to send presents and gifts (which I declined) her actions just speak so much louder than her words. I think that I'm going through a painful period of seeing that and having to decide just how much more I want to leave myself open to that.

[curiositykitten]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

My first mother isn't interested in contact with me, and I have just had to learn to accept that I can't know what has happened to her and why she acts the way she does.

I know that doesn'tmake this the same, but I'm guessing it was easy for her to say she is full circle, but not really feel it. Maybe she thought you wanted to hear that? That she was saying the right thing to you?

I'm sorry to hear your first mom isn't interested in contact with you.

It's just hard hearing how she's been searching for years, and this is so important to her and her family, and it seems like they just wanted to use a reunion to try to justify to themselves that the decisions that they made that lead to my adoption are right and it sort of validates that they are not bad people.

Maybe that's what they needed from me in this and got that when I said I don't blame anyone, and they've moved forward?

I'm not sure, I'm having a hard time dealing with a person who's words don't' match their actions, and if I want to keep pursuing a relationship with someone like that.

[JustPeachy]

This particular person is not interested in you.

I don't think this is necessarily true. It could be that she is just too overwhelmed with her own emotions at this time. Not trying to make excuses, but sometimes these strong emotions are very hard to face and deal with. She also may feel that it is not something you would put a great deal of importance on or even care about. This is hard to articulate, but as a first mom, over the years I often felt that because I gave up my rights to raise my son, it was somehow "not right" to express my feelings to him through letters and cards. I didn't believe this to be true logically, but felt on some level emotionally that I was imposing on him and his family, or possibly overstepping my bounds if I expressed my feelings to him in this way. Your self-esteem really does take a huge hit when you relinquish a child. There is so much loss and pain, it's very hard to explain this mindset. I had a semi-open adoption, but it was so very difficult to write, even though I had every intention to do it and wanted to do it. I was always worried that I'd say something "wrong" or that I'd be intruding somehow, and I never realized that my correspondence even meant anything to my son or his family. We were told that we were no longer our child's mother, we had no right to them, they have a new mom now, and so many other messages designed to put us down and out of our child's life. Then when, in reunion, the time comes to be "motherly" it's still hard and confusing because if we come on too strong, we are making our kids (who are "not our kids") uncomfortable, but if we don't show enough of the typical "mom" stuff, we are seen as rejecting and cold. It's a tough balancing act and sometimes the fear of doing the "wrong" thing just stymies us.

I never had a lot of sadness around my son's birthday, but only recently started sending birthday cards. It was something I always wanted to do, but was rather frowned upon at my agency at the time I placed. So I felt I would be overstepping if I did this, or somehow it would be seen as inappropriate, or that he would feel awkward getting cards from me, or it would stir up feelings in him that were uncomfortable. When you are simultaneously a mom and not a mom, you sometimes don't know how to act. We are not yet in reunion, but I communicate indirectly with him through the agency. I finally sent a birthday card to him on his last birthday. I still second guess this. Was it the right thing to do. Did it make him feel "funny." Does he even want this from me. It is so hard to know how things will be received.

Can you express your disappointment to your birth mother about not getting a card from her? Can you do it in a way that is just direct and straightforward, and not accusatory, but let her know you are confused that her words and actions aren't matching up to you, and maybe ask her if it is hard for her on your birthday? You could also express that it's hard for you, too, to not be acknowledged on this day by her and that you would welcome this from her. Sometimes knowing with certainty that a card or letter is welcomed and expected makes all the difference in the world. Maybe you can open up a dialogue about it and have an open discussion instead of going on assumptions that her actions mean certain things that they may not mean at all. Of course, it is possible that she just doesn't care, but you won't really know this unless you try to talk more about it. I'm sorry you did not get the acknowledgement from your birth mom that you hoped for, and hope that you will reach a point in your relationship where she will be able to send you cards on your birthday in the future.

[BethVA62]

It still makes me sad when this happens to me, and I have done it to my mom in the past too. And couldn't believe I did it, huge shocker, it felt horrible.

It's easy to get frozen thinking of a date to come, especially a birthday in common, freak over what to do, plan to do all sorts of things and end up doing nothing at all... then the worst part - freaking over not doing anything at all. I hate that feeling, and the convo full of apologies and attempted explanations that comes after.

Maybe since I've done it myself it gives me more of an understanding of why it is done to me too. I think it is important to talk about it with each other, understand it, get past it, forgive it. Easy to say, hard to do, espcially when feeling jilted.

I'd even go so far to say that this "pull back" seems to be quite normal in this type of relationship.

Me and my mom have talked about it, we now try to send birthday wishes early, call the day/week before and/or the day after. We've realized that waiting for THE Day is just too much for either of us to handle sometimes. It's odd and confusing to feel that way. And even tho me and my mom have made a deal about forgiving the frozen one, and not taking it personally, it still hurts if it happens. Especially if it's my birth day.

I get what you are saying about wondering how much more of this you want to deal with. It can really knock the wind out of ya. I think it's wise to let your mom know how it made you feel when she didn't call, and maybe let her know that you understand (if you do) She is probably thinking she has ruined everything between you about now.

It's easy to close bridges, put someone in the back ground and move on, guard your feelings, concentrate on daily outside 'real' life, real easy, too easy, especially for many adoptees and their moms, a lot of us have had years of practice at it, we are pros at that. It's the easy way 'out'.

[shadow riderer]

It can also be very difficult to pick out a card for a birthchild or birthparent. Finding one that doesn't say too much or too little is extremely hard, and can bring up all sorts of buried emotions while reading all those sappy cards. It's not an excuse, but there aren't birthday cards for our adoption situations, especially when the relationships are new or a little strained.

My birthmom has never called me on my birthday. Sometimes I get a card. Sometimes not. in the beginning, years ago, she would occasionally call before or after my birthday...never on my birthday. It still hurts and makes me sad, but gets better with time. Now, when my birthday comes, I grieve a little for what I know wont happen, then do something special just for me. Could be any number of things. I figure whoever doesn't want to celebrate with me, just misses out. Do something just for you Kitten. It's your birthday. Happy belated birthday.

[curiositykitten]

Thanks to you all for your excellent thoughts and ideas.

I'm not sure that I could have this sort of discussion with her because she tends to over react and blow up and feel very attacked anytime you say anything to her that might be seen as criticism. We had a bad blow up a year or so ago that I'm not sure I even recovered from where she told me that she would just 'cut off all contact' because 'I didn't want to hear from her.' she took a passing comment very far out of context.

The first year I got a card from her and her mother. This is the second year and nothing from either. Sometimes I wonder if I went down the right path when I chose reunion.