[jmac66]

Ok so I tend to be a private person. I really enjoy being alone and I dont tend to form close friendships but I dont feel like I am missing anything. My dream getaway is a mountain cabin by myself. So the question is.. Am I this way because I am adopted and never formed proper relationships or is it just who I am? I had a wonderful adoption experience, adore my family, and my bio-fam recently found me. But I can't help but notice other people have these very close family/friend relationships and I dont. Any thoughts???

[epenn922]

Could be many things... possibly, nature & nurture both. I grew up in a crazy, chaotic household. Quiet, peaceful times were not a reality. I went thru a time (before kids and husband) that I would happily hole myself up in my apartment for days.

Your bio-family may be able to give you a hint about the different personalities in the family. I was always told growing up that I was a 'cold' person. After finding my bmom, I realized that out of the two of us, I'm the warm & fuzzy one! Talk about cold!!! But since I'm aware of it, I try to make a conscious decision to not allow my coldness to take over.

You said that you had a wonderful adoption experience and adore your a-family-- sounds like you have a close relationship with them. Where do you feel it's lacking?

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by jmac66

Ok so I tend to be a private person. I really enjoy being alone and I dont tend to form close friendships but I dont feel like I am missing anything. My dream getaway is a mountain cabin by myself.

my dream job would also be working in a cubicle where i never had to talk to a soul. i love being by myself. i don't have many friends, bc i'd rather be by myself. i get energy from being alone. i am TOTALLY an introvert...and very happy about it. i am not adopted. i love my family. my life was not traumatic in any way. it is just how i have always been. sometimes i think it just how you are "wired."

[Jon_C]

I've got a couple close friends, but I tend to be very independent. I've been known to take vacations all across the country by myself. Some people might find this a bit weird, but I tend to have more fun by myself.

[Drywall]

It's hard to know if the separation in adoption is the whole reason for wanting to be "separate," or an outsider...or there is a strong feeling that requires a personal space that cant be invaded.

Being an outsider seems to telegraph to other people that its the way you are. You may allow them to get close, but you dont want them to invade your space or come into your life without being monitored.

As an adoptee, you are "not better." "not unique" simply, "separate from" them.

Adoption seems to place on us a "different" status than for non adoptees.....we may be more vigilante...when meeting new people we may hang back until we decide how far into our lives we will let them come....or even how much of our family life we will share.

It seems that we as an adoptee, need people less than our friends and peers. We have a few close friends on whom we can rely, but even those may not know much of our story.

Perhaps its the feelings of the adoption legacy in which we may feel we will always remain an "outsider."

In the many stories here, it seems that all adoptees seem to have some feelings of being an "outsider." Even those who have successfully re-united often state that the re-union has not changed much in regards to the adoption legacy....there continue to be missing gaps and the healing they hoped for has not been 100%.

I wish you the best.

[JustPeachy]

I'm not an adoptee and hope you don't mind my two cents. To me, you sound more like an introvert. I'm the same way as you. I need lots of time alone to recharge my batteries. I get drained around other people. I love my alone time. I think people confuse introversion with shyness, but I am not shy and have great social skills. It's just that I mostly prefer to be by myself or in one-on-one situations rather than a whole group of people. I can't say I don't have friendships, but "closeness" can mean different things to different people. If you are talking about the standards of closeness that most of society (which is largely made up of extraverts) subscribes to, then I don't fit that mold. Some of my best friends I only see once or twice a year, and many of my friendships are phone or email friendships. I value these relationships highly and consider them very close, but most people would say they are not "real" friendships. I try not to let other people define me or use "life script" standards as a measuring stick for what is appropriate for me. If we were all the same, the world would be extremely boring.

[SoniaRose]

It's that old nature vs. nurture question that plagues us adoptees.

Jmac66, you say you have been found by your bfamily: have you found that you share different personalities, or are they solitary people like you?

I too am something of a loner -- I need a lot of space. I have been married 28 years and have 3 kids, so I don't have problems with relationships. But I don't seek friendships and don't like to socialize too much. Sometimes I've wondered if that's because I felt like an outsider as an adoptee, but as others say, it might be just the way I'm wired.

I was told my bmom was shy and introverted, and my bdad was fairly quiet. (Both are deceased). I would be really surprised to learn if they had been boisterous/gregarious people -- because I'm not like that at all.

I don't think my amom ever understood me and my need to stay home and read books instead of going out to parties...I guess I'll never really know why I am the way I am. (My kids are all more social than I am.)

[Dickons]

I have never had tons of friends...just not in my makeup. As to whether it has anything to do with adoption...probably somewhat but more likely a mix of both being adopted and genetics with the genetics being the stronger component in the mix.

I am less introverted since my stroke - way less but still do not even come close to being social. I would rather escape to a cabin on the top of a mountain. But I am like SoniaRose in that as an adult I have always had a long term relationship but those relationships have always included what I call "down time days" where I am free to just read or do whatever I need to do to regenerate.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[gemini678]

I am a private, distant person as well. I do feel the events surrounding my abandonment are a direct result as to why I am the way I am today. Plus, there were a few other relatives and friends that I had grown close to and for various reasons, those individuals were not there in my time of need.

The bottom line for me is this.....If the one person that was supposed to be there was able to walk away, anyone can and will. Therefore, I don't too attached to others because I feel they'll leave when needed most.

Even though I am happiest when alone, I wish I could open up some and have some sort of 'norm' in my life. Relationships suffer because I push everyone away. And there are times when I long to be in a wonderful relationship. I thought by now, I'm 31, all of those issues would be in the past and some guy would've come along to prove me wrong. But I definitely associate my want/need to be separate with being left behind as an infant.

[puddles66]

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Hi there I'm really new to these forms, I'm Jacci I'm 43 yrs old. Childless , but my husband and I are going to start the process again, for the fouth time, we have had three failed adoptions,one private,one indepentant,and special needs.Each time the birthmother decided to keep their baby or worked to get back her child.SO we are trying again because... (we are CRAZY!!! just kidding 80) But what I wanted to ask, is am I the only one out there that no matter how deeply I want the one thing I cannot have and want it more than life itself,...It's hard to admit it but around my nieces and newphews, and other friends, kids I put up this emotional wall..I HATE it but I just have been "the bridesmaid" and not the bride so many times I feel this sadness inside that the kids can feel,I'm sure of it,being adopted myself putting up walls is so easy and feeling somewhat detached is always inside of me, it can be very hard to connect with the kids that I love so much!! has anybody else felt or feel this way around other people and especialy other people's children ??? I hate feeling like "the bad Aunt" because I'm so sad inside, This Is the second post I ever made on this website,I'm sorry if this isn't the right way to paste it, but I wanted to show you the how sheltered I ALWAYS FEEL until I found this website I kept these feelings bottled up.I too have no close friends, prefer the company of my dogs or facebook,moives ect .It's funny because I'm professionally very social, and make a living doing alot of marketing and P.R, I look at it as a "performance".I have not looked for my birthfamily,I haven't felt the need.and I;m glad for that .but it doesn't help to holes I feel inside,I don't know I that will ever happen.

[Dickons]

Hi Jacci,

Welcome to the forums...

I found your comment about being very social at work and performing very similar to me. I always put on my 'work hat' and was fine but if I was not working...no way.

If you can do that then perhaps you can mentally put on a 'aunt hat' too? And I get that feeling as well but always just put that down to my personality as a child and not being interested in playing with dolls/trucks etc, I was always more comfortable with adults than children as a child.

Anyway, wanted to say hi and welcome. Keep posting - you did just fine. As you are also wanting to adopt I hope you introduce yourself to the adoptive parents on this site, nice group of people.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[jmac66]

could it be that your problems having children affect how you feel about other children? OR maybe your just not comfortable around kids and thats OK.
Thanks for all the feedback. I guess I realize I am just not a very social person. People that know me well, think I am an extrovert but I know I am not. As far as the B family, neither parent is very social and they both seem happy with it.