[BrandyHagz]

I am hesitant to even post. I hate posting about my situation - it's just so darn frustrating.

Those who have been long time members (and recall my stories, posted years ago) know the difficulties I've had with my birth mother.

We have/had/whatever an open adoption. It wasn't bad - but it wasn't good. In the long run, I am thankful to have had the information I had and more than thankful to have always known who she is. I'm not so good at 'not knowing' stuff. Call me a control freak if you must - but it's just who I am.

Anyway, over the course of our thirty*cough*cough* years - I've asked about my birth father - each and every time, I am denied.

Once, she thought telling me he had a nice butt in his jeans and beautiful red hair would appease me (yeah, not sure why...but whatever).

Once, she blew up in my face and threatened never to talk to me again...

More recently (last Aug) she just blurted out of no where that he was dead and drunk himself to death (I had emailed to update her on some medical concerns and to ask about any of HER medical info I might not have...she'd already made it pretty clear, birth dad was off limits).

The bottom line for me is, I have a very serious terminal disease - it's not going to kill me in the next 16 minutes - but my Dr.'s tell me I have 10 years - 15 if I can find a donor and get a transplant during that time. Either way, my quality of life has been altered to a point where, many more surprise medical conditions would be devastating.

My condition is genetic. It couldn't have been prevented, but it can be exacerbated by other medical issues - so it'd be nice to know what I might want to keep an eye out for (and of course, it'd be nice to know what other family members have been struck down by the illness, so I know how theirs progressed, etc.)

My birth mom is adamant that she has no medical history beyond the typical 'high blood pressure' blah blah blah (although, every time we've ever really talked about medical stuff, she surprises me with some major medical something - which really gets my goat!)

(By the way, this is private (Hahah as private as it can be on the forums) - I don't blog or anything about the seriousness of my condition, because my adoptive family, who reads my blog, wouldn't handle it well...long story)

At any rate - I woke up this morning angry and frustrated over my situation - then I read a thread here on the adoptee forum about the adoptee who didn't have any info on her birth father (same as me, records full of lies) and that just sent me over the edge.

So I wrote all of the above because I sat here this morning and wrote my birth mom a letter and I don't know if I should send it. She said he's dead...so what does she have to lose? It hasn't gone well in the past, so I suspect it wont go well this time - but I just don't know.

Is it worth the frustration and anger to even bother?

(My step mom just called and told me my adad was airlifted to the hospital - he had a heart attack - so maybe my mood has more to do with that? I mean, even though I didn't know this morning...sometimes, you just *know*, ya know?)

This just sucks. I think I'll go back to bed.

[mommytoEli]

oh..i am so sorry. i hope you can find some answers some how.

[crick]

Well, at the risk of being more than my usual pita self that I already am...

Badger the heck out of her. Seriously. You don't have anything to lose with her, imo. Being the person she is and the fact that your relationship with her is toxic at best, I say throw it all out there and get the info you need and DESERVE.

Give me her number...I'll badger her for you.


((HUGS))
Hang in there...

[amyfk]

Man I dont know the exact words to say but big

hugs

Amy K, NJ

[lovemy6]

First of all, I'm sorry you're dealing with these health issues. Life throws us some so undeserving issues sometimes. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

Secondly, even if your bmom knew about your bf's health issues THEN, they could have changed over the years! Our kids' bp's are dealing with issues now that they weren't dealing with eight years ago. We wouldn't have known had we not kept our OA open.

I agree to keep badgering her. It doesn't sound like you have much to lose. Let her know that if she really loved you and wanted the best for you, she'd treat you like the adult you are and give you YOUR information.

Pisses me off when people keep secrets that affect us!

[Suziebearhugs]

I say definately put her on the spot. Let her know that she is holding back information that is YOURS and crucial for your health.

IMO she is a selfish scaredy cat if she can't put whatever fears she has aside and give you the information you need and deserve.

I mean it's been years and years and years what does she have to fear by telling you the truth. Rediculous! Call her out on it and if necessary terminate whatever shreds of a relationship you do have with her, if she isn't willing to treat you with the respect you deserve.

[dpen6]

You know Brandi, I just don't get it....given you a name is not going to kill her but do nothing but help you. Its not like she is ashamed of you as she is open about your existence and has been. Its not like you are going to ruin her life by you knowing who the heck isresposbile for your existence. Its not like you are a little child that needs protecting...and if it were true that bfater was a sociapathic ax killer well she should still tell you as you are capable of doing what you need to protect yourself.

You no knowing is doing nothing but hurt you, emotionally(stress can excaberate any illiness...especialy serious ones), the lack of knowledge...yes, it may not have preventedthe illiness but if its in your fathers family maybe they know how to treat it better..what works, what does't. Maybe not but at least give you the respect of knowing one way or the other.

I honestly beleive that a lot of the time its is just plain power...a power trip over you and its sickening.

Maybe she is ashamed of her bahavior back then and does't want you to know that..either way its has ceased to be about her any longer and its really about you. But that does't seem to get out there does it?

[wishfulthinker]

It just doesn't make sense. Everybody should know who their parents are. I don't understand why on earth she won't just tell you who your father is. What the heck is her reasoning??? Ridiculous.

[BrandyHagz]

FYI, I sent the email.

I had "Evil Crick" review it before sending - of course, she said I was way to nice and I needed to put on my big girl shorts and be more demanding...

Either way - the email is off. I already know what the reply will be if/when it ever comes...it will involved a lot of CAPSLOCK typing as well as a few lines of !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & 1111111111's for good measure.

Can't wait!

[greenbottles]

I have a better idea. Can you do some investigative work and find out who her best firends where back when she got preggie, explain the situation and plead for their help to identify the BF. She would have blabbed to someone... and now 30 years later they'll think - what's the big deal especially if he's dead...

[RavenSong]

Brandy, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your birth mother hasn't come clean about your birth father. I never understand why some women withhold that information...

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm not sure if it's a kidney you're waiting for or not, but I wanted you to know that the wait might be shorter than you think. My aunt went on the list for a kidney transplant about five years ago. She and my uncle thought it was going to take forever...but it only took a few months.

I hope your birth mother responds to your email in an honest fashion. Since this is a genetic or inheritable illness, it's critical information to have for both your children, as well as yourself. I wish you the best...

[Dickons]

Brandy,

I know you know your mother but have you ever petitioned the courts to open your file? The courts opened my file due to life threatening illness and although my father was not named on my birth certificate, he was named in the homestudy (?) report contained in the files...The other court thought is could a judge compel your mother to name the father?

Or perhaps getting your mother to go with you to the doctors so they can explain the extreme need to know? Sometimes people just need someone they have been taught to look up to, to truly understand the need to know both sides of your medical history?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[bromanchik]

I am glad you sent that e-mail. It is not being a control freak to know information that can add years to your life. I want you around longer. Call me selfish.

I would try court next.

[BrandyHagz]

To answer some questions:

The man listed in my file is not my bfather - he was her husband at the time of my birth (and even then, she claims she has no idea how how HIS name got involved, because she had yet ANOTHER man (good friend) go to bat and pretend to be bfather).

So there are three men involved here:

1. Unknown Birth father
2. Named Birth Father in my records (Legal Father, according to Texas law. Her husband)
3. The guy she THOUGHT was listed, but isn't any where in any of my records, who is not my birth father.

Legal Father and Fake Father aren't bio-related to me.

As for the best friend, that'd be fake father - he's a good friend of the family and doesn't recall.

Funny, because my adad, fake dad and bio mom all worked together/knew each other priror to the pregnancy/birth - yet no one knows anything.

I think my adad would tell me, if he knew...in fact, I'm certain of it...there is nothing to 'hide' (from my aparents side of things).

Its just wonky.

If she doesn't reply (or does reply in a rude/nasty way) - I will hire an attoreny and go the legal route. I think I'd like her to be required to disclose - it's her emotional uncomfort, I get that - but its my stinkin LIFE.

[BethanyB]

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I too think it stinks that women are not always honest about the man who fathered their child. My kids bio mom will not name a father for either of my children and it makes me so mad for them. It's not fair that they will never know who their father is. Not a name, not a picture - nothing.

I am glad you sent the email. I think you should just be brutally honest and demand the truth. It is your right.

I do not know what your health condition is but I have chronic kidney disease and had one kidney transplant and am going on the waiting list for another. If that is what you are dealing with and you want to PM me, feel free. I have been dealing with this disease for the past 20 years of my life.