[Dickons]

Hi Guys,

I keep seeing good adoptee = must have had a good adoption experience vs. bad or angry adoptee = must have had a bad adoption experience threads.

So are there any people who would like to weigh in and define what they feel makes a person a good or bad adoptee? Is it their upbringing, their personality, their questions, whether they search or don't search, call their parents daily vs weekly, their own views, just what makes a person either a "good adoptee" or "bad adoptee"?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[St3v3n]

I'm not sure the term actually has any meaning. An adoptee is something I am, not something I do, so there's not a right or wrong way to do it.

It almost seems like many of the "good/bad adoptee" concepts revolve around whether the adoptee does things that make others feel good or bad. That's not what it's about. How adoption affects a person and how that person deals with those issues are about that person only, not about the others around them.

Sure, there's the societal pressure to be a "good" adoptee by not asking questions and not feeling anything about the adoption or about the birthfamily, but that's just not realistic for most people. Ignoring an issue is not a good way to deal with it. If you have issues or questions or needs, you need to address them. If the way you address them resolves things for you, then you did it a good way, but that still doesn't make you a "good adoptee."

[hpfreak080]

thanks for bringing this up Dickons.

I think "good/bad adoptee" terminology is almost as annoying as "real mom/dad/family" terminology.

I've said it before only because I'm being sarcastic and using a stereotype to describe myself. I have seen it used in the context of "good" adoptees being ones who don't search (or only for basic info if they did), ones who don't feel any negative feelings due to adoption, etc.

Really, I don't believe there is any such thing as a "good" or "bad" adoptee...I mean, "good" compared to what???

I certainly don't feel like I'm better than or more "good" than someone just because I don't have the same feelings about adoption/searching that they do. That's ridiculus. We are all shaped by a myriad of factors and that is why some of us feel things others don't and why some search and some don't.

Sorry about my little mini-rant there (lol), I've just seen this used a lot as well and think those are VERY ambiguous terms.

I guess from what I've seen in a number of places, I'm a "good little adoptee" (which, according to some people (not necessarily on this site) means that I'm "in a fog" and "in denial" of my real feelings...who knew?)

[Dickons]

Thanks guys,

I see posts all the time from non adoptees who have issues with some family member or have a differing opinion yet no one says they must have had a bad experience growing up.

Why just adoptees? Is it because they can't get past the part where we grow up and are actually their age or older so therefore we are deemed good or bad and without saying it - our parents were bad and their children will never be that way because they are good parents?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[epenn922]

okay -- I think it MAY have to do with blood links -- i grew up in a family where all of my stepsibs were blood to their mother -- she definitely tried to be fair and tried to do that right thing -- having said that, if her biokids screwed up, their bond was still there -- her kids still looked like uncle whatever and acted like cousin so-and-so, you can almost forgive someone's behavior because this one and that one acted the same way!

akids, we screw up and we're ungrateful, don't appreciate what we have and are more - it seems to me -- ugh, disposable... if a biokid wanders away from the family, relatives would take years and go broke to relocate that wayward relative...

I may be wrong -- just thinking outloud

[epenn922]

don't know why it posted twice....

[shadow riderer]

I don't think there is such a thing as a good or bad adoptee. I think the label comes from the discomfort of and incapability of people, who are not adopted, to understand something different from themselves. They have expectations of how things should be, how people should behave, and when their expectations aren't met, the need to explain and/or blame something takes over.

AS a person with a disability, I see the same things being said of the disabled. You see a disable person overcome great obstacles, and people say how fabulous and amazing they are. What a great attitude they have, etc. You see a disabled person struggling with acceptance of their disability, angry, etc., and people tell them to get over it, pick themselves up get on with their lives, or avoid them altogether.

People don't like to see others hurting , angry, etc. It makes them uncomfortable, feel helpless, and afraid. It effects them, so they look for a reason and something to blame. They look for something to make themselves feel better.

If we are happy, we are good. If we are angry, sad, etc., we are bad. It doesn't matter if it's adoption, disabilities, skin color, or anything else. Hope this makes some sort of sense. I seem to be having trouble putting my thoughts down today.

[epenn922]

Originally Posted by shadow riderer

They have expectations of how things should be, how people should behave, and when their expectations aren't met, the need to explain and/or blame something takes over.

I totally agree. -- I hate the word 'should'

[ReOcB42008]

I don't think being justifyably (spelling) angry over being adopted is wrong - in fact is probably natural. I just am not sure WHO to be angry AT! g~! I told a therapist once that in my head I can say I am NOT angry at my birthmom (who may have been forced to give me up) but in my heart there IS a bit of emotional anger over not being "kept" - especially as my adoptive mother was a controlling, manipulative. psychotic woman who should have never been entrusted with a child. I feel like I was the parent - KNOW I was the main caretaker of the house AND the 2 adults from a young age - and I didn't deserve it or the physical, mental and emotional abuse I received. I finally left town and cut off all contact with those people and their relatives. Now the female aparent tells everyone what a horrible, unthankful, brat (BAD Adoptee!) I am. All I did was try to save my sanity - and my life - by getting the hell away from a horrible situation. DOES that make me a bad adoptee? NO!

[hpfreak080]

shadow--

you made some EXCELLENT points that I had never even thought of. You are completely right about people's thoughts toward people with disabilities. I just wanted to let you know that you made perfect sense and gave me even more insight into this. It makes perfect sense!

[epenn922]

when you hear 'why are adoptees so angry?' -- it's like DUH!!! when my daugther was born 13 years ago, she was the FIRST person i ever had similarities with. besides my asis, i didn't know anyone else adopted growing up -- it was like calling someone a name or teasing somone to say 'oooh, you're adopted'... it felt many times like i was an alien just dropped down from the sky -- everything was different from everyone else -- my likes, dislikes, politics, sense of humor... i did feel like an alien

[hpfreak080]

Originally Posted by epenn922

when you hear 'why are adoptees so angry?' -- it's like DUH!!! when my daugther was born 13 years ago, she was the FIRST person i ever had similarities with. besides my asis, i didn't know anyone else adopted growing up -- it was like calling someone a name or teasing somone to say 'oooh, you're adopted'... it felt many times like i was an alien just dropped down from the sky -- everything was different from everyone else -- my likes, dislikes, politics, sense of humor... i did feel like an alien

wow...that's terrible that you were teased for being adopted (I'm assuming I gleaned that correctly). I know you're not the only one. Fortunately, I was never made fun of for it...I just had a LOT of questions thrown my way lol.

Maybe part of why I'm not 'angry' is because I've always had a lot in common with my dad. He and I have similar personalities, similar interests (math, science, and theology), and similar senses of humor (my mom falls into this too lol). I'm not going to go so far as to say everything's perfect (perfect is boring anyway LOL), but I cannot recall a time of feeling like an alien.

I hate that ANYONE has walked through life feeling that way. All I can do is offer lots of hugs and support =D

[epenn922]

I think non-adoptee kids don't even think about it -- they say it to each other-- not even nastily, it's said just to rib each other, but when you're already feeling different....

But, I think it's probably the same tormet that kids put each other thru -- they pick on something they know will get a reaction...

[bakerjw]

I had a great family growing up but I did have some cousins that used to call me an orphan. At 3 or 4 years of age I was aware enough to know that they weren't orphans and I didn't want to be different than them. But my adopted family was great so I would be called a good adoptee I suppose.

Now, however, it is a different story completely. I am a bad adoptee. I am one of those who is PO'd to no end at the system and will take any steps that I can legally take to bypass and circumvent the system. Have I walked into Catholic Charities with a baseball bat suggesting that they give me my file? Not yet. Will I? Possibly some day. Bad adoptee I guess.

[shadow riderer]

You know what I find interesting about the whole good/bad adoptee thing? Most people seem to thingk that we are angry (those of us who are) about being relinquished. In most all my conversations with people, bfamily, afamily, and others, about my anger and adoption issues, they keep pointing back at the situation when I was bornh. Just last week, I was talking with my Buncle about Bmom, her issues, and my relationship with her. She's not exactly on my Buncle's list of favorite people, so I was a little surprised when he headed down the "you need to understand/she had no choice" road. We weren't even talking about my relinquishment. I had to explain to him that I wasn't angry with her for placing me. I am angry with her for how she has treated me since I came back in her life. I seem to have to have this same conversation with everyone.

I can't sppeak for all adoptees. I'm sure some are angry about being placed, and probably with good reason. I think a good majority of adoptees aren't angry about being relinquished. To me, it's almost an insult to treat us like we aren't capable of understanding the circumstances that cause us to become adoptees. Most all of us can understand that stuff happens in life, and people do what they feel they have to do at the time. It's all the BS surrounding adoption that makes most of us angry.

Like Elaine said about feeling different, I know several people, who as children, told their siblings at one time or another, they weren't their real brother/sister that they were adopted. They were being kids, and just trying to tease their sib to get a response. I also know those sibs got angry when teased like that. Kind of ironic when people tolerate that; understand the child's anger at being teased, but tell an actual adoptee they should be grateful for being adopted; expect us to not be angry? Kind of a double standard, isn't it?

Who wouldn't be angry about being treated like a dirty secret by their birthparent (something to be ashamed of), lied to about biology with sealed records, told they couldn't have the same basic right of medical information and the names of the people who created them just as everyone else has,not to mention, all the stupid remarks: Afamily isn't real family, lucky to be adopted, be grateful, why do you want to know someone who gave you away, You were unwanted by one/chosen by another and other type things adoptees hear all their lives?

Sheesh, we are derned if we do want to search, and derned if we don't want to search. Basically, we really just can't win, and it doesn't matter whether we are a good adoptee or a bad one.

Adoptee's are the only ones in adoption who had no say/no choice in their adopton, so just exactly why are we always the bad guy, so to speak? None of this was our fault.

Stepping down from the soap box now.