[Amandak249]

I have been corresponding with my birthmother for a few months now,after a nearly 3 year hiatus. We didn't stop talking for any concrete reason..she just stop calling (typical behavior for her). When she did begin trying to contact me again, I was hesitant. I didn't want to be hurt. But being who I am, I couldn't reject her, I just couldn't hurt her like that. She's called me once every 2 weeks or so for the past few months, and has left me many many voicemails. She seemed to be doing well. I thought that maybe, just maybe, she has changed.

Yesterday was my birthday. I KNEW she was going to call. I just knew it.

Of course, I was wrong. Not a peep. Not a call, a voicemail, or even a message.

I should have seen this coming, but it still hurts. Why can't I just learn?

[epenn922]

First off -- Happy Birthday!!!

I try to keep myself busy on my birthday, bmom's birthday, and pretty much every holiday because I don't want the adoptee stuff overtaking the day.

I don't know how any mother, whether they lost their child or not, could 'forget' their birthday. Some bmoms seem to be very skilled at supressing memories and anything connected to us. Thankfully, I don't get it.

[austin0i]

Amanda,

Happy Birthday!! You deserve to be happy, so take care of you.

I understand your issues, as I have experienced some issues with a birthmom who is at times, self absorbed. So, I will tell you this

Set your limits and stick to them. You have two choices. Accept her inconsiderate behavior, while setting boundaries within yourself to protect yourself from future disappointments ( SHE WILL DISAPPOINT AGAIN). Dont fool yourself. People like her really do not change.

or....you can chose not to have a relationship with her.

Ask yourself this?

Does anyone else in your life show you such inconsideration? Have you been treated like this before?

If the answer is NO, than you need to really think of you. She is responsible for her behavior. If she gets hurt, so be it. That is the consequence of HER behavior.

Take care of you. She really isnt a "mother".

A real mother doesnt do stuff like this

Kim

[Jon_C]

Not sticking up for the birth mother, but some people are really bad at remembering dates.

Happy belated B-day!!

[thanksgivingmom]

I'm so sorry Amanda. There's nothing else that I can say to change/fix this.

[hpfreak080]

ugh Amanda, I'm sorry girl!

I wish there was something somebody could do--unfortunately this is something your birthmom will have to change herself.

Anyway, happy (belated) birthday!!! Do something fun (if you haven't yet) and celebrate the awesome person you are =)

[Amandak249]

I'm so flipping sick of this BULL. Why do I waste my breath, my energy, on someone like this?

I can't believe I felt GUILTY for being hesitant about letting her into my life again. I'm not a flipping doll, not a freaking toy she can play with when she feels like it. I took a chance on letting her get back into contact with me, and on some level I was asking for this to happen, because I knew better. EVERYONE told me I was making a mistake.

The closer you get to the fire, the more you get burned.

I'm tired of exerting my energy on this woman. I have tried and tried again to maintain some sort of relationship with her, but I don't think I deserve this. I know it's just a **** phone call for my 24th birthday. I get it. It's not a big deal. But it's what it represents that annoys me. She only wants me when it's convenient for her. She can pop in and out of my life unannounced as she pleases, but then on the ONE day a year she should probably give me a call if we're in a relationship, she opts out?


I'm so tired of this bull.

Someone said earlier that this is not what a mother does- and it's true. She wants me to call her mom, to call her on mothers day, and to be her friend. But I'm done. I'm so done.

If I'm not important enough for a phone call, an email, a card, or even a freaking text message, she certainly isn't worth the effort.

I knew this would happen. I knew she would never change. This really hurts me. I've made this mistake for the last time.

[RavenSong]

(((Amanda)))

I'm probably the last person you want to hear from right now. I am so sorry your birth mother didn't call you for your birthday. I won't try to make excuses for her behavior...I don't have a clue why she did what she did.

Is there any possibility that she confused your birthday with one of your siblings? I seem to recall that she had a LOT of kids. Do you think she could have mixed your birthday up with someone else's?

The other thing that comes to mind is your recent reunion with your sister in California. Did your birth mother know about it? Has she talked with you about it since you came home? I'm wondering if she's jealous or upset by the reunion for whatever reason.

Happy belated birthday, Amanda. I hope the coming year will send many blessings and much love your way.

[austin0i]

Originally Posted by Amandak249

I know it's just a **** phone call for my 24th birthday. I get it. It's not a big deal.

Amanda,

It is NOT "just a **** phone call".

It is about taking the time to educate yourself about the unique feelings, vulnerability and needs your surrendered child has and being sensitive to them. It is about taking care of your child, which is WHAT A REAL MOTHER DOES.

It is about taking a freaking few minutes to educate herself on what an adoptee feels in reunion. If she would care enough to educate herself, she would know that things such as this, dig in the very soul of an adoptee and inflict serious pain.

She probably will say things like, you are being too sensitive and belittle your feelings, but don’t you dare let her. What else would she say? She probably hasn’t owned up to anything she does.

Adoptees deal with a certain set of emotions, feelings and vulnerabilities, most do not understand, when it comes to the bio mom…..and for the love of God, if the bio-mom cant take the time to learn about these issues, you are opening yourself up to a world of hurt.

Good luck sweetie and really think about what you are opening yourself up too. Think about if contact is really "worth" this.

I really know how you feel and it is heart breaking. I have experienced your pain myself.

I understand completely.

Stay strong and love yourself. Her limitations and actions are not about you. You deserve better.

Protect yourself

Kim

[lglysson]

Amanda, a birth mom here. You are right, there was no excuse for this. Bad with dates, mixed up dates, bull****. I am so sorry. You do need to take care of you. And her behavior is a reflection of who she is, and not you or your value as a person. You are worth so much more. Surround yourself with people who see your value.
Happy Birthday!!

[austin0i]

Originally Posted by lglysson

Amanda, a birth mom here. You are right, there was no excuse for this. Bad with dates, mixed up dates, bull****. I am so sorry. You do need to take care of you. And her behavior is a reflection of who she is, and not you or your value as a person. You are worth so much more. Surround yourself with people who see your value.
Happy Birthday!!

lglysson,

Thank you

As an adoptee who really understands Amanda's pain, I want to say thank you for validating her feelings, thoughts and pain from a bmothers perspective.

Your bchild is lucky to have a woman like you for a bmother.

It is great to know there are bmoms like you out there.

Thank you

Kim

[Mom7123]

Hi Amanda, I'm not familiar with your story or the history with your birthmom but I just want to say I think it absolutely sucks that she didn't call. Maybe there *is* a valid reason though. Maybe an illness or a family emergency or something that prevented her from calling or occupied her mind. Try to be cool until you speak to her and if it turns out she simply forgot or gives some lame excuse, then blast her. She deserves it.

[Rubygirl]

Wow Amanda! I feel like I'm reading EXACTLY my story!! I also reunited with my bmom 11 years ago and contact stopped about 6 years ago for no appartent reason either. I recall sending her an e-mail or 2 and getting no response back from her and we just stopped talking. I, like you, gave my bmom a second chance about a year ago. I was hesitant too, because I did not want to get hurt again either! Well, things were great in the beginning (of course). We were getting together for dinner about every 2 months, e-mailing back and forth, and occasionally texting. Then my birthday came and went in July and really NOTHING from her. WTF! I received cards, e-cards, Facebook posts, and texts from everyone. And what did I get from the 1 person who carried me for 9 months and gave birth to me? I got a late text from her about 9:30 the night of my birthday stating that she was sorry but my birthday card was going to be late but it was on it's way. Well...nothing ever came in the mail and we haven't talked, e-mailed, texted, etc. since then. I just don't understand her at all! My birthday was 2 months ago! I'm so sorry Amanda that you have to go through this, but I hope you find comfort like I do, that you are not alone! Best wishes!

[SoniaRose]

Amanda, belated birthday greetings from me too!

I don't want to make excuses for your bmom, but some people don't really care about birthdays. You should be hurt if she exchanged birthday greetings with every other family member but you -- that would be unforgivable. But perhaps she doesn't bother acknowledging birthdays. I find that as I get older, I care less and less about birthdays. My kids are all adults, and although I acknowledge their special day, I feel I don't need to make a big fuss as I did when they were younger.

I had to chide my abrother for recently forgetting my birthday -- he has no excuse since we're now facebook friends. We keep in touch and email each other about twice a week. Now that I think about it, I don't think he has ever sent me a card even though I always send one to him. That's just the way he is...

Sometimes I think we just have to lower our expectations of other people. I understand your hurt, but I suggest you just try to forgive your bmom's oversight. Just acknowledge that she is far from perfect, and accept what you have. And it's perfectly fine to distance yourself as much as possible. If you don't expect something, you won't be as disappointed when it doesn't come.

[Amandak249]

Is there any possibility that she confused your birthday with one of your siblings? I seem to recall that she had a LOT of kids. Do you think she could have mixed your birthday up with someone else's?

I suppose that's possible.. but my birthday is 9/11, which is hard to forget? She does have 9 children in total, only two of whom she is in contact with (myself and my oldest half sister, whom she sort of raised.)

I have no idea what's going on in her head. She has NEVER , in 10 years, discussed my adoption with me. It's too painful, and in the end, it's all about her. It makes her uncomfortable so she won't talk about it.

I just am annoyed, selfishly, because this is just one more example of how she'll never be what I want her to be, she'll never be able to have a functional relationship with any of her kids, including me.

Even if she's not into birthdays, you would think if she wanted a relationship with me, she'd at LEAST give me a quick call.

I feel like I'm acting so immaturely, I'm just so ticked off & hurt..