[kycats7937]

I am a 39 year old female adult adoptee. About 3 years ago without searching I was given my birth mother's name. I was blown away - not knowing what to do with this information. On and off I would do searches on the internet hoping that I could find a picture of my birth mother b/c I just wanted to know that I looked like someone. I have never had issues with being adopted. My parents told me from as early as I can remember that I was adopted and I am so grateful that my birth mother who was 16 when she became pregnant, gave me the beautiful world and family that she did. My adopted family wasn't perfect but no family is and I love them with every ounce of energy that I have.

Long story short, I have now found my birth mother through the internet. I'm positive it is her because we look so much alike that when I showed my mom my birth mother's picture I didn't tell her who it was but asked her what she thought of the picture and she said, "Well I don't know who those other people are with you but you look good." Her name and siblings' names are also exactly what I was given.

So now I am just stuck. What should I do? My birth mother got married and had two children. She is doing great and her kids appear to adore her (as does her husband). Do I have the right to possibly destroy her life by contacting her when she so selflessly gave me the wonderful life she did? I don't want to hurt her but I also really want her to know how much I appreciate what she did for me. I'm not looking for a mom b/c I have the most incredible mom on earth. I'm not sure what my motivation for contacting her would be. I feel selfish for wanting to contact her.

Can anyone offer advice? Birth Mothers - would you consider it selfish if the child you gave up contacted you as an adult? Should I just let things be and not take the chance of upsetting her? She's never contacted the adoption agency or put any information on any adoption sites so she's not looking for me. Should I just drop it out of respect for her or is it fair to try and contact her?

[lglysson]

I don't think it's selfish. I know some birth mothers don't want contact, and I just don't understand that. I would love it. I am a birth mom, btw. I would send a note, with a reply postcard that she can use if she is just not ready for contact.
Wishing you all the best!

[bakerjw]

You're not going to destroy her life. You may shake it up a little bit if you contact her but it isn't going to destroy anything.

If you've read here for any length of time you will know some of the things to follow. Take it slow, be open, and be honest. So many times a simple misunderstanding can throw a monkey wrench into the whole process.

Do you have a mailing address for her? I personally prefer mail because it adds a time factor to allow things to be thought out before responding. If so I'd send her a simple unassuming letter letting her know that you think that she may be your birth mother. You may be 99.9% sure but there is still that .1% chance. Keep any first contact letter simple and try to keep the emotion level low key. If mailing a letter, also include a postcard with the usual check boxes. e.g. Yes I want contact, Yes, but give me time, No not at this time.

Be aware that it will be a shock to her. She may be expecting that you would look for her someday, she'll just not be prepared for when you do. So again, time will some into play. She'll need it to come to grips with how to respond or explain to family etc...

Also remember that you are coming to her as a complete stranger. Even though there is a link there, we are all strangers to our birth families when we meet.

Just go with the flow and enjoy the ride. I envy you.
Hope it turns out great.

[St3v3n]

Don't just assume that she doesn't want contact because she hasn't registered on sites that you have. She may be registered somewhere else, or she might feel that she doesn't have the right to search for you (and possibly disrupt your life). A lot of bmoms were told they should never try to search, but many of them are happy when they are found. You'll never know until you try.

I agree with bakerjw that sending her a letter is the best option for first contact. It will certainly be a shock, and getting a letter lets her process it for however long she needs, unlike getting caught off-guard with a phone call. It also lets her decide how/if to tell other family members, rather than having them be in the room when she gets a call.

I would suggest you go ahead and contact her, then let her decide whether she wants that to continue.

[txrnr]

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I also have had my info for a few years, and was really afraid that I was going to ruin her life by showing up. I struggled with that alot.

I began reunion on Sunday. Much to my relief, my birthmother has been more than welcoming and assures me that I have not turned her life upside down. Of course, you may have a different experience.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[kycats7937]

Thank you all. I have put together a letter to her that is an unemotional as I can possibly make it. I will send it with a response card for her. I am also going to send pictures of me and my family just in case she decides she doesn't want to have contact with me. I think she would still appreciate seeing how I turned out. I really hope this is the right thing to do. I keep getting insanely nervous and am almost going through a strange depression. I think I'm just inundated with emotions and don't know how to handle them all.
Thank you, everyone, who gave me feedback. I'll keep ya posted.

[healingfeeling]

hey just a quick "good luck!"

i've been where you are...i attempted contact 3 times over 5 months. it was so hard, but every aspect of the reunion process has been hard in my case.

once we made contact i had never had a happier moment in my life...so i just wanted to give you the advice of taking it all in...remember every second good or bad because you won't be able to process it for a while.

whatever does happen with you, this is such a huge step and your life will never be the same, i'm sure the self growth that you'll experience will be immense!

[BlackSheep]

I don't think you are being selfish for wanting to know about yourself. Sending a letter or asking a 3rd-party to send one on your behalf is not ruining another's life. You are both adults and can make up your mind if/when you decide to have a relationship. You don't know if she has been "waiting" for you to contact her all this time. The advise of the other posters about the letter is good and I would agree.

I am both an adoptee and a birthmom. I have reunited with both bparents and hoping that a relationship will happen with my bdaughter. The not knowing has always been the hardest part for me. Questions like you of, who do I look like? Where did I come from? and for my bdaughter, is she alive? Has she had a good life? Was her family good to her?

I took "the plunge" on the belief that if my bmom was anything like me, she would want to know.

Good luck to you! I hope and pray that all turns out wonderful for you whatever you decide.

[Drywall]

kycats...its easy to understand our feelings and concerns.

In reality, you have probably given this a lot of thot and I dont believe you can put it on the back burner and be comfortable with that decision for very long. Im sure you have considered all the alternatives.

I would suggest a contact with the agency.

You are requesting an intervention in terms of a contact with her. Be sure they understand exactly what you want.
You can leave contact information with them. Once Bmom knows you want contact, she can make a decision.

Bmom may not feel as threatened to hear from them as she would a direct contact from you .

I wish you the best.