[LisaE1971]

ive pretty much decided on giving up on searching for my birthparents. i have been searching since 1995, and just have had no luck...i guess if they wanted me to find them, they'd have registered im just done i guess its not worth it

[BethVA62]

Sorry Lisa,
I know how horribly frustrating it can be.
I searched for over 20 years on and off.
I'd get frustrated, hurt, mad and just put it away for my own sanity.
Then I'd get frustrated, mad and pick it back up again for my own sanity
It wasn't until I got extremely mad, and knew for certain that I and my kids were worth all the trouble it could ever be, that I found them.

It's ok to put it away for a while, take a rest, enjoy the day, it takes a lot of strength to search and it takes a lot out of ya. And it's certainly ok to give up, if that's what you really want.

Mine never registered anywhere. That one stings.
She believed a lot of what she was told, she shouldn't search for me, she would interefer with my life if she did, I wouldn't want to know her anyway, and she and her secret were in hiding which was no help to her, or me, at all.

Now, 10 years after I found her and at first, she's thrilled to know me, and me her. She's glad I went to the trouble, me too. We talk once a month or so and send presents whenever we feel like it.
She sent me a jewlery box recently, it says: "Dearest Daughter, you're proof that heartfelt dreams come true."

Things like that make me know it was all worth it for me.

As you can see, I am a lousy searcher lol took forever, but if you want I will help however I can, or at the least point you in a good direction.

Sounds like you need a break, hope you can go have some fun hun.

[epenn922]

I'd hate to hear that someone quit. Maybe you need some time away from searching to recharge. Have you worked with any search angels yet? There are so many roads you can take. Very few birthparents register, sadly. A lot of them are of the belief that they have no right to search. Rest, but please don't give up!

[jhall]

I am 29 and was in the same situation as you. I got frustrated, disheartened, and looked off and on. My mother never registered with the state. I got lucky one day. The person at the agency who was the original case worker retired. She had told me that my mother never wrote me a note. After she retired I got a letter from the agency stating that there was a letter waiting for me. The letter had a couple of dates that helped me find her. I asked her why she didn't register and she said that she never knew she had to and the day that I got in contact with her she had called the agency to see if they have heard from me.Don't give up. Maybe your parents just don't know and they are having the same road blocks as you. They could be looking for you too!

[SoniaRose]

I know it's discouraging to keep looking, but never give up. I was finally "found" at the age of 54 by some cousins on my bdad's side -- they were curious to know what had ever happened to that baby given up for adoption. Although my bparents died long ago, I have learned who they were and have seen their pictures.

I would suggest that you keep your information current on all the registries -- you never know who might be looking...Sometimes it's the child of a bparent who learns that his/her mother relinquished a baby years ago and then wants to find the long lost sibling.

Maybe you need to take a break from active searching. Just keep your listings updated on all the registries. Best of wishes, and good luck. Never ever give up!

[LisaE1971]

i have my 2 1/2 yr old who keeps me very busy and i have a very supportive husband who has told me not to give up searching. i havent ried any search agents, as my husband and i are both unemployed and cant afford to pay anyone to help me out. anyone willing to help point in the right directions, i would appreciate it. i dont want to give up. i want at least my birthmom to know she has a wonderful 2 1/2 yr old grandchild. you know what, i never knew my birthmom, but i have this hole in my heart, where i know she belongs....even after searching for so many yrs.

[bakerjw]

I understand the discouragement that you feel. Sometimes both sides are sitting there waiting for the other side to make the first step. Neither wants to intrude on the other. These suggestions are based on the assumption that you've not done these yet.

I assume that you've registered on the main adoption registries. ISRR, here on adoption.com/registry, Adopteeconnect, G's registry, etc...

I also assume that you've registered with the New York state registry. From what I've read, registering with the state registry is a requirement before they will give you non identifying information. If you don't have this then you need to request it from them.

You also need to request ALL non identifying information from the adoption agency who handled your adoption. If the information that you have is a few years old, then request it again. By all I mean specifically state everything that is non identifying. A person on here recently requested their non identifying information again and got copied of documents where a marker had been used to black out names. Of course they held it up to a light and got the names which put them on the right track.

Once you get more tidbits of information you can proceed from there.

[LisaE1971]

i registered in 1195 with nys registry and i just registred again, and they told i was already registered and that if my birthparents register, i will be notifyed. i got non identifying information back in 1995 when if fuirst registred. they will not even give my my medical records i found out out my birth mom was 20 and my bf was 26. she or they gave me up at 2yrs of age. my birthmom was afraid she would hurt me, and she bounced from job to job to job, and lived with severeal different people. i know im part indian french and polish. i know my father was or is a trucker and i was born in rochester ny but dont know what hospital its just all getting frustrating.

[BethVA62]

((Lisa)))

I hope you don't give up. I remember being in the place you are now, and it really hurts, especially with a little one sitting next to you. I was unemployed when I found my people too, which adds it's own issues. I'd lost my job a couple months before, just happened to have bought our first computer and got online. I remember cause I spent days and weeks doing nothing but searching online. My family wasn't really so thrilled about it all, but I had to do it, and they did support me while they begged for dinner. But I was happy I wasn't working when I found them cause it gave me time to deal (freak out) and go visit without worring about loosing my job.

It shouldn't cost any money to search, if it does, move on. I suggest you call and call and keep asking for more non-id. Cry, talk about your baby, cry some more, plead, call back again. Don't worry about bothering them or making them mad, BUG THE CRAP OUT OF THEM in a nice way. Keep asking for more info, say Are you sure that all you can tell me??? That's all the info you can give me??? Try to get birthdates, or years. Ask every question you can think of. Write letters, send cards to a specific person there that can help. While you are asking, just remember - They have your mothers and fathers names right in front of them.

I read thru the blacked out names on my non-id, and they forgot to black out my paternal grandmothers name after the 3rd or 4th time they sent info. That's all I needed, found my dad the next day, then his family knew how to find my mom.
If they ask if they've sent certain information before, say no, or I lost it, send it again.
bug em They will want to get rid of you

I will find some info to send on free search angels and sites.

[Amilynn22]

I don't know what state you are from but in my state (KY), I just had to fill out a petition to the family court for my records. The state had 6 months to find my bmom and sent her a form to fill out on whether or not she wanted contact. If she hadn't, I guess they would have turned over my records to me but since she did, she just filled out all of the medical forms and a paper with all her personal info on it. I've had it for a while (haven't done anything with it though...another story, another time). It seemed relatively easy in my state. It did take a while to contact the appropriate family court people and of course, they lost my paperwork...TWICE! Anyway, it wasn't as hard as I thought. I don't think my bmom put my bdad on the birth certificate so I didn't get anything on him. Good luck!!

[Jody M]

Hi Lisa, as others have said, take a needed break and rest from your search, but keep hope alive. I have lead an adoption triad suppport group for years and many birth mothers felt they did not have the right to search for their children. Many were told by parents " we will never speak of the baby again" and to move on and just forget. ( next to impossible to forget! ) Can you let us know here where your adoption took place as some of us know persons from different areas who can help or some of us may be familiar with your state. I agree with someone who posted the suggestion to be assertive with the agency workers and continue calling and asking questions. In my search, it took many years and I registered with the agency I was adopted with to do my search. Finally when my case came up, I found out my birth parents had died many years before and so they could not give me any identifying information. But I kept pursuing more information as I did have a last name. A year later I found my birth family by continuing to write the hospital I was born at. They finally sent some of my records to the adoption agency who forwarded them to me. But I wrote over a half dozen letters to them. As I look back I see God's timing in my reunion with my birth siblings. Had it been a year earlier, my birth sister was in rehabilitation and the timing for reuniting would not have been good. So hold on to hope and continue to share here so others can encourage, help you and offer tips, and suggestions. Praying you will have success!

Blessings, Jody, reunited adoptee with siblings

[BethVA62]

It kills me that it is this hard for so many adoptees to get their info. It's hard enough to just go thru it if we choose to without our state governments making it even harder on purpose.
I think it's crazy and ignorant that all the states don't have the same rules.

Amilynn
I'm glad Kentucky was somewhat cooperative and helpful to you. It must make things soooooo much easier when you can avoid years of searching and begging for more info. I wonder tho, if your mother had refused contact if they would have been willing to give you anything other than the non-indentifying info.

My adoption was done in WV. I begged for help for years, nearly two decades. They offered to help find her, they looked in the phone book and didn't see her or her family listed, that was all the help I got with that. And like jhall, I got a new employee to talk to who gave me some new clues which eventually led me to them. I petitioned the court 3 times over the years, they said no every time. After I magically found everyone anyway, I was 40, as an adult I got written notorized permission from all my mommies and daddies that it was permitted by them. They still won't give me my BC or anything more from the adoption records.

That's just plain mean if you ask me.

[KittyMay]

I almost gave up too. My bfamily had searched for years, I searched for years. My bfamily never registered anywhere, they had my name spelled wrong. I was going on my bmom's maiden name which hadn't existed for over 40 years. It was a string of coincidences and fate that came together in June and it all fell into place we both had the information within 2 days of each other after years of searching. 2 days, less than 48 hours after 25 years of searching! Take a breather, but don't get discouraged. The laws suck, there needs to be a law against treating adoptee's like merchandise instead of thinking, feeling beings with a RIGHT to KNOW.

[LisaE1971]

i dont even know birth mom maiden name or possibly married name. i am thinking they just dont want to be found. it is hard not knowing who they are. i have this place in my heart where i feel they belong. i would love to know if i have any brother's or sister's.....its just so hard to not give up.