[epenn922]

Since my nmom has never (and probably will never) speak to me or explain anything to me, I was always left with no answers. Today, I read these two articles and, to me, they explain a lot and were very powerful... I am not insinuating that this is everyone's experience all of the time, but I certainly believe this was more than one woman's experience....

Not By Choice - Karen Wilson-Buterbaugh - Eclectica Magazine v5n3

Moxie Magazine - Perspectives

[ripples]

Yes, sadly, these injustices were (and in many parts of the world still are) widespread. I fully empathize with women who were forced to relinquish their babies and then blamed and stigmatized by society for doing so.

Unfortunately, we live a society of contradictions. 1) media encourages sexual activity, yet 2) sex education and access to safe contraception is limited in many communities, 3) even if contraception is available, women (especially young women) are made to feel bad if they do practice using or ask their boyfriends to practice using contraception 4) single women are labelled immoral if they become pregnant and 5) then they're pressured into relinquishing their babies and then made to feel ashamed of doing so.

I don't know what the answers are but I think 1) providing women with greater access to safe contraception (and not stigmatising them if they practice using it), 2) providing pregnant women with greater information and support about all their options regarding what to do, and 3) encouraging men to take more responsibility for practicing contraception as well as supporting their partners if an unplanned pregnancy should occur, 4) greater community support for single mothers would be a start.

[RavenSong]

In an American Adoption Congress newsletter article, "Disenfranchised Grief and the Birth Mother," Nathalie Troland describes our experience; she says, "The birth mother was not recognized as a legitimate mourner; the loss of her child was not considered real." Troland continues:

"She lives in a world in which mothers are rewarded and others punished for their fertility; that most people failed her, that she failed herself; that she did the right thing; that she did the wrong thing; that she grieves, that grief is not appropriate; that she is un-natural in her ability to take such a course; that she is natural in thinking of her baby before herself or conversely of thinking of herself before the baby; that she was, and still is, isolated in her experience; that her grief cannot be resolved and must somehow be lived with alone."

The above paragraph brilliantly describes my own experience with regards to the aftermath of surrendering my baby son to adoption. Enough said...

[Longtimewaiting]

RavenSong,
I as a bmom, wholeheartedly agree with you. Here I am 34 years later, and I still feel like I am being "punished". Will it ever end? I honestly dont believe so.

Cindy.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Longtimewaiting

RavenSong,
I as a bmom, wholeheartedly agree with you. Here I am 34 years later, and I still feel like I am being "punished". Will it ever end? I honestly dont believe so.

Cindy.

Cindy, you ask whether it will ever end... I don't think so, not in our lifetimes, not for those mothers who surrendered back in those long-ago times. But we do NOT have to continue punishing ourselves. (Isn't it ironic that society punished us first, but then we took that role over in our later years?)

Although we can never regain the babies we lost, we CAN heal...and we can darn well make sure it doesn't happen to a new generation of young women.

I've sent you a PM so I don't hijack this thread too much.

[Jillalan]

Very good articles. A lot of what was written happened to me. Not all but some if not most.

Today, 43 years later, I'm finally dealing with the loss of my son through adoption and also my loss with his death.

I'm also learning to deal with my own adoption and the reasons behind it.

It's a long, painful and slow climb......thank you for posting those articles. I've copied them onto my hard drive to read over again when I've need.

[Dickons]

Really good articles Elaine.

Raven and all my other friends who went through this and who will forever be impacted and hurt (can't come up with the right words), I think you were wronged then, wronged now, and society as a whole should be the ones feeling the shame and blame for what was done to you.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[epenn922]

I just received 'Wake Up Little Susie' from a friend today. That should be interesting, too....

[RavenSong]

Elaine -- I've been meaning to pick up Rickie Solinger's Wake Up Little Susie and Beggars and Choosers, but I keep forgetting to go to Amazon. Thanks for reminding me!

BTW, there are a couple video clips over at YouTube of Rickie Solinger talking about the Closed Era. I just watched them the other day, and they're great -- she's a good speaker!

[epenn922]

She's going to be at a conference in NYC, Sept 2010... I already told my husband that I plan on going!

https://www.adoptionhealing.com/Conference/

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by epenn922

She's going to be at a conference in NYC, Sept 2010... I already told my husband that I plan on going!

https://www.adoptionhealing.com/Conference/

Elaine, you'll be in good company. There's quite a few moms from the BSE on these forums who are planning on attending the conference. I really, really hope I can go. I'd LOVE to see and talk to Rickie Solinger!

They've got a great lineup of speakers next year...I hear that Ann Fessler (The Girls Who Went Away) and Nancy Verrier (The Primal Wound) are going to give presentations, too.

[JustPeachy]

I did not experience the injustices of the closed era, however, this still resonated very strongly with me:

"She lives in a world in which mothers are rewarded and others punished for their fertility; that most people failed her, that she failed herself; that she did the right thing; that she did the wrong thing; that she grieves, that grief is not appropriate; that she is un-natural in her ability to take such a course; that she is natural in thinking of her baby before herself or conversely of thinking of herself before the baby; that she was, and still is, isolated in her experience; that her grief cannot be resolved and must somehow be lived with alone."

Also this:

Many of us are taking back our rightful title--we are the mother of all of the children we have given birth to, whether lost to adoption or not. Although we were not allowed to parent our lost children, we have always loved them and have the same concerns for them that any other mother would. We surrendered our children to adoption--we did not surrender our motherhood.

To have been told I am not my child's mother because I "gave up my rights" has been one of the greatest lies told and one of the greatest disservices done to me. You cannot erase your motherhood, it cannot be signed away, or pretended that it didn't happen, or shoved in a closet. And putting a qualifier in front of it (i.e. "birth mother/first mother"), still does not change this. I am a mother who placed a child for adoption, plain and simple.

[epenn922]

I've been talking to a lot of nmoms lately and more and more I keep hearing that 'birthmother' is deragatory. They would pefer only 'mother' without any prefixes. While I totally get that, I've had a mother who gave birth to me, a mother who adopted me and two stepmothers. If I said 'mother' without a prefix, not even my family would know who I was talking about...

'Wake Up Little Susie' is certainly eye-opening. I've been skipping around because the first thing I went to was about the maternity homes -- wow -- it is beyond awful. And when a mother said she wanted to keep her baby, she was told that all the medical fees and fees associated with her care were due immediately. It's just unlawful. These young women had no resources...

[ripples]

Originally Posted by epenn922

While I totally get that, I've had a mother who gave birth to me, a mother who adopted me and two stepmothers. If I said 'mother' without a prefix, not even my family would know who I was talking about...

Very tricky issue - which prefix to use. With sisters and brothers in non-adoptive families, at least we can distinguish them by prefixes such as 'second eldest', 'younger', etc; And in families through re-marriage we have 'step'.

Yet in adoption, I understand how using the word "birth or biological" vs. "adoptive" distinguishes both sets of parents by referring to the origins of the relationship. However, I understand how birth parents, particularly women, would feel that the term "birth" or "biological" somehow just relegates them to a physical bond - sort of like a machine - and therefore is dehumanizing and derogatory.

On the other hand, using the term 'natural' could be interpreted that adoptive parents are somehow unnatural, and therefore feels derogatory towards them.

And using the terms 'first mother' versus 'second mother', while it accurately reflects the chronological order of contact, it could also be interpreted by adoptive parents as them somehow being 'second best'.

And yet referring to both as one's mother would end up in not being able to distinguish the two. Imagine a sentence that says, "My mother and I first met my mother yesterday".

Maybe the Oxford Dictionary should run a survey/focus group that involves both sets of parents and then make a final decision.

Luckily for me, I can use multiple languages to distinguish the two sets of parents. I refer to my (now deceased) Taiwanese parents using Taiwanese terminology and to my adoptive parents using English terminology.

[epenn922]

Yes, it's very tricky... don't want to offend anyone, yet want to be clear who I'm refering to... and things change -- i thought bmom or birthmom was okay, but it doesn't seem so okay now...