[truelife]

Today is my birthday. I always take my birthday hard. Matter of fact I've hated my birthday since I turned 18 (today 31). I found out I was adopted on my 18th birthday. My parents never told me and I found out by looking through papers. So from that point I've never felt like celebrating it because I never really got over it. Being adopted is really holding me back on moving on. I feel like I never want to get close to anyone. I let it mess up my relationships a lot. All my my friends and family always want to go out and have fun, because no one really knows how my birthday makes me feel. I hide my feelings from everyone because I don't want to bother or hurt anyone or I just think they won't understand. I just wonder if my birth parents think about me on this day and wonder if they realize what they are missing out on and what heartache I deal with. Birthdays are so hard!

Happy Un-Birthday
My birthday is different and sad
It's a day I want to forget
I don't wanna go out, eat cake and be glad

It's hard to think about the what could have been
What I'm missing out on
All the other family and friends

It's a happy un-birthday for me to share
My heart hurts and eyes burn from the tears
I have to still wonder if my birthparents care

HAPPY UN-BIRTHDAY TO ME

[ReOcB42008]

Dear True: I think alot of adoptees hate their birthday - for me it is because it was the first - and last - time my other saw me (she checked me out to see that I had all my parts -giggle - but didn't HOLD me)! Also I too wondered every birthday if she was thinking of me or forgot me like a bad cold! I LOVED your poem. It is kind of similar to one I wrote. It was called "To Mary Joanne"

To Mary Joanne - or To My Birthmom by Mary Jo Marvin
A young child's musings,
an AWESOME need,
a hunger for love only YOU can feed.

A gentle smile,
a soothing touch,
a feeling of acceptance,
love and such.

These were the dreams of a hurting child,
lost and lonely,
dreams all defiled.
So I took refuge in the embrace of a toy pup,
dreaming it was instead
the one who had given me up.

A little bit older,
I can not sleep.
Wishing for a "Mama" -
one who gave love,
one who would keep.

Teen years saw me
drawn into a shell,
lost in a no-name,
identity hell.
Looking for a heritage,
AND a name.
Caught in a confusing,
frustrating game.

Then I was grown,
called an "adult".
Still my identity
felt under assault.

Now, middle-aged,
birthday is near.
Why do I STILL
wish you were HERE?

I wrote this poem on the eve of my 46th birthday. I tried to share my
feelings about my birth mother through the years (usually wrote her a letter around my birthday, telling her what my life was like at that point).
Starting with the dreams of that elusive concept, a birth mom, when I wasyoung, to my feelings now. Thought it would help adoptees - and birth moms -out there (and even adoptive parents) to understand.
PS: I was emotionally and physically abused by my adopted mother- just to help you understand myfeelings about my birth mom (how I dreamed that she was gentle, loving, ACCEPTING). MJM

[truelife]

That was beautiful. I find so much comfort from this site. I feel like I belong and others can understand. I've only told a few of my friends and even though they try they don't really get it. I started writing because it helps me work through my anger and feelings. Thanks for the share I needed that.

[wishfulthinker]

Birthdays are emotional. Mine was a week ago. I just can't help but thinking how ridiculous it is that I'm here thinking about my birth mother and she is (hopefully) out there somewhere thinking about me and yet the ignorant sealed records laws keep us from knowing each other. What is wrong with this world???


Birthdays are different for us adoptees. I really don't think it's possible for others to understand. Usually a birthday is a celebration of life and a time to remember the joyous day a child was brought into this world, welcomed by family with nothing but love. It hurts to not know anything about our actual birthday and the thought that my being born brought nothing but pain can be overwhelming.

Life is precious though. We are all here for a reason and we all have people that we love in our lives. That helps take the sting out of birthdays....of course, some cake helps too!

[sparkybites]

Don't be sad on your b-day. I am a birthmom who found my daughter last November. She has been in my heart and soul since the day she was born. Your Birth Mom probably still thinks about you. Have you thought about searching for her? My daughter is 38 and it was not my choice to give her up. It completely destroyed me. I am still an emotional wreck. Your natural mom may even be searching for you. Please try and be happy, especially on your b-day. B-Days are the hardest days for us to cope with too. More than likely, your natural mother is thinking of you and praying you are happy. I'm here if you need to talk.
Sincerely,
Kathy

[truelife]

I have thought about searching and I'm just not sure. I'm not sure I'm ready for the outcome. If they don't want anything to do with me I would be crushed. It's so hard sometimes. I have heard different things like my birth mom gave me up because I was bi-racial and was feeling pressure from her family, but once I was adopted one of her family members stepped up and tried to get me back. My adoptive parents went to court and fought to keep me. It's hard to know what or how much is true, because we just don't talk about it. They have always looked at me as their child no difference. But there is still something missing. I know from my records that I have an older sister or brother. I love my family they are all I know and I just don't want anyone to get hurt including me. There is just part of me that would like to know, would like see who I look like, and just know the truth.

[JustPeachy]

I don't know any birth mother who does not think of her child(ren) on their birthday. In fact, most birth moms will tell you that they think of their child(ren) every single day. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I've never come across any. And I've talked to a lot of them, both here online and in triad support groups. Not only do I think of my son on his birthday, I celebrate it! As painful as it is to surrender a child to adoption, I have never considered HIM the source of my pain. His birth gave me great joy and he was indeed celebrated (at least by me and those who visited me in the hospital) and has been a source of happiness and pride to me. It is my circumstances that lead me to make the decision to place him that are the source of my pain. He had nothing to do with that at all. I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does.

truelife, I understand being fearful of searching and not knowing if you will be met with open arms or a closed door. OTOH, you will never know until you do. It could turn out positive. Have you thought about maybe seeing if there is a triad support group in your area? I have found it so helpful to speak to others who have been through search and reunion, and hearing all sides has been very beneficial.

[truelife]

I thought about groups and even seeing a therapist just to talk. I'm just not that open to talk about my feelings. This seems to be the one place that I feel comfortable. I'm the type that just tries to wear a smile and fake it. I think I'm gonna work on finding a group it just may be what I need to take that extra step. thanks